AIBU to have never felt degraded by the fact I don't earn "my own" income?

[Incognit0]

I'm fairly new to MN, but recently have read a lot of threads which seem quite judgemental about women who do not work outside the home, particularly once the DC are at school. I have never come across this attitude in real life, so wonder if MN is an anomaly, or if I'm actually missing something?

That woukd be helpful thank you.

Work isn't the be all and end all

Indeed it isn't. Neither is being a mother. Horses for courses and all that.

S

Well...we volunteer, we run the PTA, and charities, and will hopefully be remembered as nice people...how strange that you equate making money with 'making a difference'.

What has any of that got to do with being a SAHM though?
The woman who does the lions share @ our PTA works full time
All of the scout leaders and rainbows volunteers at our local groups work (even though a good few of the kids that attend have SAHMs, who don't help, and thats fine)
DH is involved in a communiy group. Everyone involved in the running side works

I work, volunteer, shop for a neighbour, help out with childcare for friends who have to work school holidays when I'm off, am involved in a club.

SAHPs really aren't keeping the community going for the rest of us in my experience

I work those hours Natalia. I'm a civil servant. Very flexible hours. I do appreciate it's not that easy in the private sector

I^m sure it has already been said... Anyhow: no, I wouldn't judge you for it. But I would worry, tbh.

I start work early, DH does school drop, he works later, I finish earlier due to early start so do pick up after a full 8 hours work - it's tight I go straight from work to school but it works. Quite a few kids in DDs classes have tag-teamey parents so they always have one of them dropping and picking up and aren't missing out on having a parent there.

I'm only on page 3 of the thread but it's just ridiculous to judge. Who the hell cares what goes on behind closed doors. I've been a SAHM for years with my three, in that time I've done a second degree, I volunteer in a highly regarded institution that schooled one of the UKs most famous historical figures.....I am solely in charge of the archives, I deal with requests from all over the world.......but I'm just a volunteer SAHM really.......and far more fucking interesting than a lot of people in full time employment, thank you very much.

I will go back to work one day, when I need to/ feel like it.

sarahmum27 by Gini what a miserable way to live? did you mean that it's a miserable to think ahead and plan for what might go wrong in life? I don't really understand why you would think that. Of course you can't insulate yourself from all problems but it would be very foolish not to plan for the, sadly relatively common, possibilities of death, serious illness and divorce. Of course, that doesn't mean you shouldn't SAHM (I've done that, part-time and full-time work myself) but if you do then you should think carefully about the possible scenarios as the poster I quoted had done.

I wouldn't judge you for not working, on here or in real life, but I have to admit I am ever so slightly jealous that you don't have to work. I choose to, I love my job but I would love to be in a situation where DH could give his up, he hates working and childcare would be far simpler.

I have never worked since I had my dc and I personally have never felt degraded by it, but I do know other women are judgemental about it. I just make a point of not discussing it and often, for people I'm not very close to, I just don't even mention it so they're not aware. I have a pretty relaxed life (my only dc is 18 now) and I feel fulfilled by the activities I do in my free time, and I don't feel the need to justify the situation or convince other people that I'm actually really busy or making sacrifices. I am financially secure with a pension and investments but I don't share that information with anyone.

Sarahmum27 - Gini what a miserable way to live?

Personally, I think recognising that life can and will throw you curve balls, usually when you least expect it, and taking steps to make sure you're prepared for that is not 'miserable' but the only sensible option. Surely part of being a good parent involves making sure that your family is as financially resilient and possible?

I know a lot of divorced women who spent all their lives working, and they're still up shit creek.

And I know a lot who are high earners and have managed to survive divorce without either themselves or their children suffering any loss in their financial situation. So what?

Gini - I do take your point about maintenance payments being capped etc. As I said I'm not worried about my financial status in the event of a split. I suppose it would be possible for DH to hide money, but still, he couldn't hide it all. I only actually know if two couples who have got divorced in recent years

Homity you don't work full time.
You have a balance that works for your family. I don't care if someone works or not.
All I care about is making people aware that sahp are wonderful people and should be regarded highly for all that they do.
I don't like the bitchiness of some working mums, that put their noses up and look at sahm as those they are worthless.

That's what happens when you have no existence outside of being a mother

To be honest I was bereft when my daughter left home for uni and two years in I still get all excited when she's coming home, and leave her little gifts and make her room smell of roses. And we text good morning every morning and she texts she loves me gnite every night, plus facetimes a couple of times a week and more so if she's buying an outfit or something and has me read her law essays to get my opinion on the strength of her arguments also.

I don't think working or not working impacts the relationship you have. How good a parent you are is a whole different set of criteria. And working didn't stop me crying like a baby when she left home. 😔

I have a pretty relaxed life (my only dc is 18 now) and I feel fulfilled by the activities I do in my free time, and I don't feel the need to justify the situation or convince other people that I'm actually really busy or making sacrifices.

I can respect that!

Much more sensible reply than all the "but WHO would run the PTA if I wasn't a full time mummy!!!"

Well I am a few months into not working and being a sahp - after working non stop since my mid teens

I am taking a break out while my youngest starts school and I find it good for helping with homework and keeping up with all the school stuff - my house is a bit of a mess as I prefer looking at how I can decorate or making sure I take the children to super interesting experiences that cleaning and how I don't feel I can justify a cleaner.

I find I am more up to date on world affairs as I try listen to the radio and podcasts while I run around the house. I miss my packed journey to and from work as that was my thinking time.

As a sahp I have had time to look into our finances and found my oh has had a major debt problem - which was super scary but this has been managed to be sorted.

Thankfully our house is valuable - and I feel he is on the straight and narrow with help.we were both working such long hours previously it was horrendous. I now realise that he couldn't really cope that well and I assumed he handled finances better than he actually did. It isn't an excuse for what he did but I would have felt more trapped if I found the debt with massive childcare costs etc if I found out while workiing - this is because I saved up money to take a break from work. So the shock for me was realising how intertwined our finances were and that he could muck up my credit rating!

I left work thinking that my financial situation was a lot more sorted - it still is going to be ok but I will return to work eventually and probably sooner than I expected. So in reality I don't think I can deep down rely on my husband long term.

I have faith in my abilities and am hoping that I will be able to return to senior position.

I don't think having a year off should dent my skills.

I imagine I will have to go full time at work - which for my type of role is a 55 or 60 hour week.

I don't judge people who choose not to work - also I know I have more than contributed financially and in being a good mum - so I feel that I have built up economic capital in the relationship to justify a break - I have supported the other half fully for other periods.

I am glad I am getting this time with my children - apart from the house work I put as much effort into my children and enjoying what life has to offer as when I worked.

I don't miss the long working hours with masses of unpaid overtime but I am often alone with the children for long periods as husband sometimes travels for work. When I used to have to handle both pick up drop off and long hours with no support or break then that was hard. I often would have to work through the night doing house work because my working hours were so long and just keep going.

I am hoping to use this time to revaluation what is important and also try to get fit.

I also love not stressing about holiday cover - I firmly believe primary school in the uk is set up for kids to have one sahp I think it is ridiculous but I am finally able to make the last minute concerts and all manner of costume changes.

One other thing my kids are learning more so that helps with their academic achievement - I am surprised at that for my older one.

One other thing my kids now think that daddy brings in all the money and have made a few comments which has been surprising.

Exactly Bluntness - Why would working parents be any less "bereft" when the DC leave home? It's a massive change in any household regardless of anything else.

Lizzie so what has marriage got to do with it?
I don't think taking 4 years out of full time work would make a massive impact on long term finances? Surely any mature adult would want to make sure their children are looked after in the event of a split??
If your seriously worried that your husband will go off with all the money and leave the children homeless, then you might as well get divorced straight away.
There are agreements you can put in place without being married you know.

I suppose it would be possible for DH to hide money, but still, he couldn't hide it all.

The longer in the tooth I get the more depressed I am at just how frequently men hide secret savings or assets or debts

I know one man who bought a whole other house in his mistresses name whilst still married without his wife knowing until a few years after their split. She wasn't a gormless bimbo who never checked in on their joint finances, she was a very smart woman who was making national level decisions for a public service!

Tbh I don't understand why people can't live and let live. If i work or don't really isn't anyone else's issue - i gave up work to care for my son because he needed a parent at home full time, and I wanted it to be me, my husband supported that. I have friends who have gone back full time, part time and who have given up work out of choice. We're all good parents setting good examples for our children.

I would be if a friend gave up work upon marriage to keeo house with no children, or if i had a friend who had never worked and say on benefits out of choice but caring for your child is an "option" some people choose and some people have to make

washlily
I wish more SAHP had your attitude. Aka "I stay at home, am financially sound and don't need to discuss that side of things, I enjoy my time and it works for us".

So much better than the irritating SAHP who say nonsense like "I'm a FULL TIME mammy"/"I'm volunteer and do all the things working parents can't be bothered with"/"my children KNOW I'm here for them"/"it's a full time.job running a house!"/ "I'm not just a mam. I'm a teacher, nurse, social worker, artist, entertainer"/"you can come home from work at the end of the day but I don't get days off". Like seriously, stop looking for validation that you're some kind of wonderful martyr.

I would be if a friend gave up work upon marriage to keep house with no children, or if i had a friend who had never worked and sat on benefits out of choice but caring for your child is an "option" some people choose and some people have to make

I did not work for 6years and I must admit I did feel a bit lazy and crap not being financially independent. I did receive some comments esp once DC went to school. I also think it is a class/educational issue. Professional, middle class and well educated people are more likely to see it as an issue and less likely to be financially dependent on a partner.

TinselTwins

Honestly, not just just men. I have a great aunt that did something similar...

I'm a SAHM & ive been judged in real life. When I said I probably wasn't going back to work my uni friends commented along the lines of how they could never be comfortable living off someone else, they need mental stimulation & kids need nursery to socialise etc. Now that I am a SAHM they make digs at me being a kept woman, wasting my degree, good little housewife & sitting watching CBeebies all day. Then there is the comments about us being lucky we don't have to pay for childcare, it's ok for us etc completely ignoring the fact we have lost a whole income which is more than childcare deductions. I avoid them as much as I can.