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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have never felt degraded by the fact I don't earn "my own" income?

999 replies

Incognit0 · 30/04/2017 19:58

I'm fairly new to MN, but recently have read a lot of threads which seem quite judgemental about women who do not work outside the home, particularly once the DC are at school. I have never come across this attitude in real life, so wonder if MN is an anomaly, or if I'm actually missing something?

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 30/04/2017 21:45

Hear hear djbaggy

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 30/04/2017 21:45

Don't bother justifying yourself Natalia the mn bullies are out in force.

SallyGinnamon · 30/04/2017 21:46

Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

DH and I chose me to be a SAHP even though I earned more because I wanted to be, and DH had appreciated MIL being at home. I'd been unhappy with my DM working.

We have made sacrifices along the way in terms of holidays and general stuff. But everything is joint.

DC were aware that we didn't do things their friends did because I was a SAHM but fortunately even now, as teens, they're glad we made the choices we did.

DSis has no choice and has to work FT and is still making a damned good job of being a mum (though she has demoted herself a lot!).

HomityBabbityPie · 30/04/2017 21:46

sarah

Do you really not see the irony in complaining people look down upon SAHPs when you are looking down on those who work Confused

sarahmum27 · 30/04/2017 21:46

Stealth we'll have to agree to disagree then.
Iv worked my socks off over the years as has my dp, and we did it all for our children.
I'm now a sahp because that is what is best for my children.

Gini99 · 30/04/2017 21:47

We've been married 15 years so everything accrued since then is joint wealth.

I would just be a bit cautious about relying on this. As others have said the accrued assets can be hidden by fraud or wasted by debt. Also, and this is very important, it is becoming much rarer for people to be given any kind of ongoing maintenance payments for themselves (i.e. separate from the children) unless there are unusual circumstances. So if the wealth is well into the millions or you have separate income generating assets then you will probably be fine (provided the money isn't hidden). If the accrued wealth is an average house and a small amount in savings then even in the most amicable split you can end up with very little to live on and be in the difficult position of going back to work with a big gap on the CV. There's quite a lot of research like this that shows that women's living standard plummet after divorce and many end up in poverty.

Also, as others have said you have to take into account the possibility of death, serious illness, redundancy etc. Of course, dual incomes don't stop this but they can significantly reduce the consequences.

Someone upthread said this and I think that is the only sensible approach:

When we decided I would be a SAHM we did make provision for a lot of the "what ifs" - life insurance and critical illness cover for us both, plus income protection for DH. Some of the savings in DH's name were shifted across into mine to protect me in case of a split. We pay a small amount into a pension for me. We are well protected.

StealthPolarBear · 30/04/2017 21:47

Yes to that borders

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 30/04/2017 21:47

Women who say everyone secretly judges you don't actually speak for the rest of us, they just wish they did.

baggy did you just judge me secretly? Grin

NancyWake · 30/04/2017 21:48

I wouldn't judge you but would be unlikely to be friends as we'd have little in common.

Some people might take that as a plus. Wink

Seriously, who tf says that?

sarahmum27 · 30/04/2017 21:48

Homity shame you didn't bother to read my whole post. I said if you have a choice.
I'm not going to apologise for my opinion.
I posted what I did, in support of op because she's obviously feeling belittled by some stuck up comments made by someone.

TinselTwins · 30/04/2017 21:48

My friends who are SAHMs are really down to earth/blunt about it, either they can't afford to work or they're honest and say "I just don't wanna work, I like my free time" - okay! that's cool

could not bear to be friends with "its a full time job doing what you do as well as a full time job , I"m a teacher, I'm a nurse, I'm a taxi driver, I'm an accountant, a councillor….."
No you're not, you're not any of those things.

StealthPolarBear · 30/04/2017 21:48

Yes I think so. I find your attitude to women "choosing" to work while men "have to" provide financially deeply misogynistic, and, more frustratingly, illogical.

HomityBabbityPie · 30/04/2017 21:48

So, how does that make it different?!

MadgeMak · 30/04/2017 21:49

Lots of comments about how can a SAHM be fulfilled not working, how they don't have their own identity outside of the home, that they won't be stretched intellectually and how they are setting a bad example by not working. Really? What a crock of shit. All of these things can be obtained without working. I'm a SAHM to one school age child and one soon to be school age and I intend to remain a SAHM even with both of my children are at school full time, none of the above comment applies to me. Intellectual pursuits, fulfillment, maintaining my own identity, setting a good example - I do all of this without working, paid work isn't the only way to be a well rounded and useful member of society you know.

sarahmum27 · 30/04/2017 21:50

Gini what a miserable way to live?

I know a lot of divorced women who spent all their lives working, and they're still up shit creek.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 30/04/2017 21:50

Personally I get so much more pleasure out of working and contributing to society than I would have at home. It's not economic - I'm in a fortunate position where I have never needed to work - but in terms of making a difference or a mark in the world. I have just never understood how people who don't work can do that.

Well...we volunteer, we run the PTA, and charities, and will hopefully be remembered as nice people...how strange that you equate making money with 'making a difference'.

SallyGinnamon · 30/04/2017 21:51

And the workplace is not a friendly place when you're 50+ and have no conventional 'experience'. It brings me out in a cold sweat just thinking about it.

Seriously, don't worry it's fine.

Thanks for your concern but I started a new career again at 50 having had a long stint as SAHM and have just been approached for a manager role. Not ready yet.

It can be done.

Bluntness100 · 30/04/2017 21:51

Which means they would prefer to spend time at work then with their children. They would prefer to be at work and possibly miss their first step and words. They would rather be at work then pick their children up from school, and lets face it a lot of them prefer to out with friends at the weekend too

Nasty, judgemental and very wrong. I think that was aimed at me, so let me clarify , one of us always dropped her at school one of us always picked her up, we didn't miss either her first words or steps, in fact we taught her. Yes we maintained friendships, but she was never once left with a baby sitter to enable us to go out socialising. So yes, there was two of us managing it. and some incredibly good child care durIng holiday times when one of us couldn't work from home.

To insinuate parents don't want to be with their children And work to get away from them is really very low indeed. No choice is perfect, and each choice has to be the right one for that family.

If I was you I'd be deeply ashamed and your post says a lot about wh you are and very little about working parents.

sarahmum27 · 30/04/2017 21:51

Stealth what the f is wrong with you?
I don't give a shit who works!? My sister works and her husband stays at home, works for them and I certainly don't have a problem with that.
Stop making excuses to hate what I'm saying.

Gini99 · 30/04/2017 21:52

What's a miserable way to live Sarahmum27?

StealthPolarBear · 30/04/2017 21:52

So you genuinely can't see all the times you used the word "mother" in that post then?
Ok.

sarahmum27 · 30/04/2017 21:53

Bluntness no sorry it wasn't aimed at you, I didn't even read your post.

By the way, children go to school for 6 hours a day, not 8.

sarahmum27 · 30/04/2017 21:54

Stealth ok in future il day 'it' or something.

ShotsFired · 30/04/2017 21:55

Someone I know works part time in a non-career role for pin money.

Her sons are early 20s, and work, yet her whole life seems to revolve around them. Pretty much every weekend is taken up with an expensive and time consuming hobby the sons do; which parents still help fund. Most holidays are extensions of the weekends. Her FB is most pictures of them.

She has openly said she will be utterly bereft when they leave home and I bet my hat she'll be round there doing their cleaning and laundry every week.

That's what happens when you have no existence outside of being a mother Sad

HomityBabbityPie · 30/04/2017 21:55

sarah

Are you really so narrow minded that you can't imagine anyone might be different from you?

I only work two days a week. No I don't "have" to but I'm a much better mother for it. If I were at home constantly doing nothing but be a mum I'd be miserable and not a very good one.

Let me clarify that's no judgment on women who ARE happy being with their kids all the time - if that works for you brilliant. It doesn't work for me. Your kids are happy I'm sure. So is mine.