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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have never felt degraded by the fact I don't earn "my own" income?

999 replies

Incognit0 · 30/04/2017 19:58

I'm fairly new to MN, but recently have read a lot of threads which seem quite judgemental about women who do not work outside the home, particularly once the DC are at school. I have never come across this attitude in real life, so wonder if MN is an anomaly, or if I'm actually missing something?

OP posts:
Spikeyball · 01/05/2017 22:13

Setting a bad example is irrelevant to my child.

RebelRogue · 01/05/2017 22:15

Mmm time alone in the house

goes to buy lottery ticket*

GetAHaircutCarl · 01/05/2017 22:17

I would work still even if I won the lottery.

I love it. Most people who do it, do so for no/very little money. Personally I don't but ...

MommaGee · 01/05/2017 22:17

user1466690252 its a perfectly fine examoke to teach kids the importance of volunteering and giving back in whatever way they can

Crispmonster1 · 01/05/2017 22:17

I think Flimbo wants to be a SAHP.

RebelRogue · 01/05/2017 22:19

I wouldn't. I hate people,going outside,wearing a bra. And I'm very happy in my own company,which I don't get much of lately. Oh well..

Original poster
Incognit0 · 01/05/2017 22:20

Considering this thread,it's very odd that nobody in my life has ever asked me what I do during the day. Even DH has never really asked me that Confused.

OP posts:
MommaGee · 01/05/2017 22:20

I'd buy a coffee shop

lelapaletute · 01/05/2017 22:31

Gilly but WOHP look after their children on weekends, evenings, holidays etc. As do SAHP, but SAHP of school age children have a great big slab of extra child free time in the middle of the day. So it's hardly the same, is it?

lelapaletute · 01/05/2017 22:35

Also this is a slightly daft thread as the OP had subsequently made it clear that both she and DH have a shitload of money, as do most people they know. She lives in a different world, one with I daresay its own challenges but one so different from the life experience of the average working parent, or indeed the average SAHM, it doesn't seem a sensible basis for a discussion of how most parents should or do tackle this tricky question.

absolutelydelightful · 01/05/2017 22:39

OP sorry but what do you mean, your DH had never asked what you do all day? Shock Does he know you live there?

Yours is a ridiculous position to be in if you are educated and have not worked for 15 years. There is no excuse really. You are living in Lala Land to justify this. My DH would do his nut in this scenario. Where do you live that this is the norm? All this talk of it being "relative" is nonsense. I can't get my head around this lifestyle choice, if it is indeed a choice.

CotedePablo · 01/05/2017 22:45

I didn't give a stuff what anyone thought about me not working outside the home. They were (and are, albeit very grown up now) my children, and no way was I handing them over for someone else to bring up.

gysukpub · 01/05/2017 23:12

I have read lots of responses to this thread and feel pretty deflated that someone would judge me for only working very part-time. I'm trained for this and I enjoy it. The extra cash I use to treat myself although I also treat myself from DHs / family money.

What they don't see - because we keep it private - is that our children have 'minor' but significant SN which impacts on every area of life. We claim no benefits, we don't want to.

I run my own small business whilst my children are in infants and juniors so that I can do the school runs and go to school with zero notice for illness/helping out etc...

With all of the above plus the after school clubs and holidays etc I'm still extremely busy some days - partly because I've got quite a big house and it takes a lot of work to keep things ticking over.

I also look after all the money so I know not a penny is being gambled etc.

What else would society have me do? Why does everyone just hate women? Even other women? I don't judge any other parents. I don't understand all the extreme views...

RestlessTraveller · 01/05/2017 23:16

I simply cannot understand being so lacking in ambition and self-worth that It feels perfectly acceptable to have someone else work and pay for everything I own/eat/wear/drive/do.

user1489179512 · 01/05/2017 23:20

But if you are actually properly educated to graduate | post graduate level, surely you want to put your education to proper use? Otherwise, what on earth is the point?

minifingerz · 01/05/2017 23:26

"But if you are actually properly educated to graduate | post graduate level, surely you want to put your education to proper use? Otherwise, what on earth is the point?"

Because education is emotionally and creatively enriching regardless of whether you are economically active. My part time work is not in any way related to my first degree(s). Doesn't mean my first degrees were pointless.

minifingerz · 01/05/2017 23:31

Gysukpub, don't fret.

I work p/t because I also have children with significant SN which would make it pretty impossible for me to sustain a f/t 9 to 5 job.

I just accept that our culture is pretty brutal now. Read this thread and marvel at how far our culture has moved to the right. People really are only valued for their economic activity. There are posters here describing individuals who don't work as leading a worthless existence, regardless of how happy and fulfilled the individual is.

It's grim. Sad

MommaGee · 01/05/2017 23:31

But within a certain sector of society its the done thing isn't it? I certainly went to school with posh girls whose Daddy earned lots of money and whose Mum stayed home to do school runs and volunteer and fundraise. And these were girls who went on to university to read law and medicine.
I get that people might resent that I rely partly on CTC, DLA and carers but if hubby earned a six figure sum there are lots of ways I can put my uni education to good use that doesn't pay cash

gillybeanz · 01/05/2017 23:46

Ok, my last post before doing something more fun.

why assume that a sahm lacks ambition because they don't woh.
why assume that they have no self worth.

When looking at Maslow's hierarchy of motivational needs I am happy with my self actualisation and couldn't give a stuff what others think of my choices.

Why on earth would I want to use my PgCE, teachers are leaving in their droves and the conditions are dreadful. My mental and physical health mean too much to me and my family.

Restless, I own half our marital home and have money of my own, as do many sahp's Confused

LondonNicki · 02/05/2017 01:17

I do think that it's a real waste of tax payers money to university study when people don't pursue a career. Just seems like a waste of learning and potential.

MaryTheCanary · 02/05/2017 06:04

If I had a PGCE and did not have to work full time at a school, I would soooo be tutoring. Set my own work and hours, teach my way!

seoulsurvivor · 02/05/2017 06:11

Quite interesting that some people are so against women staying at home.

Surely it's just whatever works for your family. If you can afford it, why not have one partner (whether it be the man or the woman) staying at home?

If you want to go out and work and have a career, that's fine. If another woman thinks she'd rather focus on a family, that's fine too.

If one partner stays at home, I would definitely advise making sure that there is life insurance and pensions and that the mortgage is in both names and so on, but basically it's that person's choice.

We have no kids yet but when we do, I plan to take the first three or so years off to raise them, and once they are older, my husband will work from home for a bit. We both want to spend time raising them and being the primarily responsible parent. We are lucky that we have the flexibility in our jobs to do that, but I hope no one criticises either of us for it!

MaisyPops · 02/05/2017 06:26

Quite interesting that some people are so against women staying at home.
Most of the reason this thread is still going is because almost nobody has engaged with many of the fair and balanced responses earlier on.

I'm not fussed if people CHOOSE to SAHP or if they NEED to because of childcare costs etc.
I'm not fussed if people CHOOSE to work or NEED TO work.
People can make whatever choice works for them.

I do get massively annoyed when a subgroup of SAHP come out with bullshit (as we've seen on this thread) like 'but I'm busy raising my children so they can actually have memories, I'm basically working 24/7 without a break, I'm a teacher, nurse, carer, cleaner and more so I'm basically doing 5 jobs!' That kind do stuff just bugs me because almost everything they say makes it a "job" is still what working parents do. Then they claim 'but you'd say being a cleaner and a nanny is a job, so why does it not count when I do it at home?'... because it's part of having kids and a house and everyone has to do that!

seoulsurvivor · 02/05/2017 06:31

I mean, yeah, I get your point and yes those 'I'm a taxi driver and a nurse' and blah blah posts also make me cringe.

But stay at home parents are doing a higher percentage of that work because they are with their kids a higher percentage of the time. Perhaps they feel a little defensive because so many people criticise their choices - I know I probably would.

But of course parents who work also do that stuff and it's not fair to act like they are lesser parents because they spend time working.

Original poster
Incognit0 · 02/05/2017 06:49

Well some of these comments are a pleasure to wake up to Hmm

absolutelydelightful - aren't you just. I think it's you who's living in Lala Land tbh. I'm in Chelsea on Planet Earth.

RestlessTraveller - "I simply cannot imagine being so lacking in ambition and self-worth that it feels perfectly acceptable to have someone else work and pay for everything I own/eat/wear/drive/do".

Confused

Because we are married we share everything. We have no concept of this "his" and "hers" money idea. If I was working, even full-time, the income would be negligible in terms of our bank balance. I'm sorry if that sounds like a stealth boast, but it's a fact and it's very relevant in my situation. My time is more "valuable" at home given this context.

My "self-worth" comes from the fact that I try and be a good person and my "ambition" is to be happy. Some people may change the world yes, but most of us grow to accept the small changes we can make and are hopefully able to derive satisfaction from the things that really matter.

My husband is always respectful towards me and has never made me feel indebted to him in any way. Quite the opposite. He knows that the money he earns has no relation to the intrinsic value of what he actually does. Nevertheless he does it because of the financial benefits and providing for his family is something that he takes very seriously as a husband and father of three. You could say we have distinct roles, but there is mutual respect and we're extremely close. I take care of him, he takes care of me and that's how we relate.

I am Italian (from the South) and DH is British-Italian. Where we come from, the family is everything. People do still understand the value of what I do and it's not mocked in the same way as it often is here, sadly (well on MN at least).

OP posts: