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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have never felt degraded by the fact I don't earn "my own" income?

999 replies

Incognit0 · 30/04/2017 19:58

I'm fairly new to MN, but recently have read a lot of threads which seem quite judgemental about women who do not work outside the home, particularly once the DC are at school. I have never come across this attitude in real life, so wonder if MN is an anomaly, or if I'm actually missing something?

OP posts:
Flimbo · 01/05/2017 21:28

No time to read 34 pages , got a few pages in - Yes I do Judge women who don't work outside of their homes.

It is just lazy and I would worry about the message I was giving to my kids, that sitting on your arris at home all day, was the way forwards

Cafecat · 01/05/2017 21:31

I think a good parenting model to any child is a happy parent, secure on their own life choices. You don't have to be perfect, just doing your best.
I've been a SAHM for many years and I don't think I've been a poor example to my DC, boys or girls. They see DH and I as equal, each playing to our strengths. It works for us because we both feel like we got the better deal Grin
We encourage all of our children to explore their talents and to work hard. The fact is though, that none of us know how we'll feel until children come along. Life perspectives can change. If my daughters wanted to prioritise bringing up their children at home and their husbands were in a strong financial position to support them in doing so, I too would support them in this choice. I hope by then, that women are not still made to feel demeaned for doing what, for some, is the most natural thing in the world. Then we will have real choice.

HomityBabbityPie · 01/05/2017 21:37

It is just lazy and I would worry about the message I was giving to my kids, that sitting on your arris at home all day, was the way forwards

What's an arris? Sounds painful.

You must have different sorts of kids to mine, anyway. I've barely sat down since he was born. That's one of the perks of going to work - a lovely sit down!!!

RebelRogue · 01/05/2017 21:40

This reply has been deleted

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MommaGee · 01/05/2017 21:43

Yes I do Judge women who don't work outside of their homes. It is just lazy and I would worry about the message I was giving to my kids, that sitting on your arris at home all day, was the way forwards

What about those of us with caring responsibilities that make our impossible to work during standard hours? You think handing the toddler over as DH walks in to work till gone midnight and then be up all night with the toddler and then up for the day at 7 would prove to my child that I'm a recent human being? You think working myself into exhaustion is better than showing my child that we made sacrifices to give him the SAHP he needs and a positive model of family life?

And I'm not on my arise all day.
We are out the house three days a week at play group. Hour commute on public transport each way spent reading books or playing dinosaurs or singing songs - all important skills. We go to the park and feed the ducks. We see friends and socialize. I don't consider it work, just raising my son so I don't propose that I work as hard as my wohm friends but were not all parking the kids in front of cbeebies for 8 hours whilst we figure out how to claim the most benefits

RufusTheRenegadeReindeer · 01/05/2017 21:46

mine

I was on 13k when i stopped work for ds1 and dh was on 26k when i got pregnant and 30k when i gave birth

At the time it felt like a no brainer to be the one who stopped working for a short while

Then it turned into a long while Grin

Flimbo · 01/05/2017 21:51

You think handing the toddler over as DH walks in to work till gone midnight and then be up all night with the toddler and then up for the day at 7 would prove to my child that I'm a recent human being

This is derailing - the threads OP is aimed at women with school age children as per post 1. I think you are discussing a different topic of being a stay at home mum / parent - which no one would every say is easy

Cafecat · 01/05/2017 21:54

If you did read the full thread Flimbo, you might get an idea.

DollyPartonsChest · 01/05/2017 21:56

I dont understand what there is to do all day at home - obviously if people have kids at home, but when they are at school all day - what is there to do?

One concern might be being heavily reliant on the man, as in literally having no life outside of the family - what about ambition or wanting to make something of oneself

Each to their own, but I think a lot of people would think it lazy to not work if you have school age children - they just wont say it to your face whereas on MN, well people say anything lol

RebelRogue · 01/05/2017 21:58

what about ambition

I've got none.

MommaGee · 01/05/2017 21:59

Yes I do Judge women who don't work outside of their homes you didn't say UP flimbo you said women who don't work outside the home. I don't work outside the home because my son spent half of his first 18 months in and out of hospital. Even when he goes to nursery and infants I will be mindful of what I can work around his potential medical needs.

it is just lazy perhaps you would be lazy as a SAHP bit it doesn't mean everyone else is sat on their arses. People study, volunteer, provide care - and yes WOHP do the same and some of them don't. Being lazy / being a good example is based on who you are not your job title

DollyPartonsChest · 01/05/2017 22:00

Each to their own Rebel, not all of us are wanting to climb the career ladder, me maybe back in the day, not so much now

MommaGee · 01/05/2017 22:02

when they are at school all day - what is there to do? I have a 2 yo so I'm only surmising

Study
Read
Volunteer
Care for family
Travel
Hobbies
Baking
Knitting blankets and hats for tiny babies
Gym
Swimming

Cafecat · 01/05/2017 22:03

Dolly and Flimbo - Serious question, if you were given say £15 million tomorrow, would your job still seem as important and might your ambitions change?

MommaGee · 01/05/2017 22:04

Surely not Cafecat because then they're just be useless lazy feckless layabouts setting a tragic example to their children

Flimbo · 01/05/2017 22:05

MommaGee - SCHOOL AGE CHILDREN AS PER POST ONE!!!

Reported you, as you just want to argue, about anything with anyone -and it is dull as ditchwater

Cafecat · 01/05/2017 22:05

MommaGee - by the time your little one is in school, you'll be more than deserving of a break.

gillybeanz · 01/05/2017 22:06

Why is it so hard to understand what a person does in their free time.
They do the same as anyone else does with their free time.
Whatever they want/ are into/ choose to do.
Everyone has free time, wohp have holidays, weekends, evenings or days. Confused

MommaGee · 01/05/2017 22:07

Then you should have said that you judge parents of school age children not you judge parents who don't work. You want to get your point across, try stating it

icy121 · 01/05/2017 22:07

Hahahaha "baking"

Incredible waste of time.

RufusTheRenegadeReindeer · 01/05/2017 22:08

Reported you, as you just want to argue, about anything with anyone -and it is dull as ditchwater

You cant report people for arguing and being dull Shock

Mumsnet will actually close!!

MommaGee · 01/05/2017 22:08

Cafecat don't mention the s word! We're contemplating nursery at 2. I won't get rest, I'll be camped outside the school for 3 hours!!!

user1466690252 · 01/05/2017 22:09

Prepare to get flamed a but here. But, dh earns alot. We are fortunate that I don't need to work, now my children are little, not in school little, so I'm a SAHP to take care of them. I'm unsure what to do when they are older, bur part of me thinks the job options around here are tight. We dont need the money, some families do, I remeber when we really needed the money and worked anything we could to make ends meet. The type of jobs I'd be going for would take away opportunities for people who really needed work. Even if I retrained and got a better job, it would just be something to do to fill time, seems a bit bad when there are others out there desperate for jobs for me to take one because others feel I should.
I feel It would be better for me to volunteer, put something back into the community rather than get a job, I don't understand why this isnt more common to be honest? I feel part of the issue is alot of society just take, we are all guilty of it I think, so rather than a few extra quid we dont need, why don't I help support a service that needs volunteers
And as for those saying it set's a bad example to our children. I don't think it does. We show our children that hard work gets you far in life, but also that DH and I are a team and we both give to the family on different ways for the greater good. We're loosing that as a little bit I think. I dont judge either way a family chooses to live. But I do think that we have stopped looking so much at what we do for eachother for the greater good rather than ourselves, this is an option I'm really leaning towards

Flimbo · 01/05/2017 22:10

Cafecat, Oh yes life would change without a shadow of a doubt- as there would be no restrictions and my husband would also be given the same choices as opposed to being the only bread winner.

I think I would take some of the money and go volunteer in the famine zone, and bring fresh water to the villages.

I am not really career motivated, its more of I wouldn't want to put the pressure on my husband that he had to be the only earner, along with I feel I would be immensely bored if I didn't work, as everyone I know does, so I would spend a lot of time alone in the house which would do my head in

RebelRogue · 01/05/2017 22:12

@Flimbo you are hilarious!! And very very angry...maybe you could do with a break?