AIBU to have never felt degraded by the fact I don't earn "my own" income?

[Incognit0]

I'm fairly new to MN, but recently have read a lot of threads which seem quite judgemental about women who do not work outside the home, particularly once the DC are at school. I have never come across this attitude in real life, so wonder if MN is an anomaly, or if I'm actually missing something?

OP the senior male managers in my industry previously don't take ownership of housework either when they have someone to do it at home. Those managers whose wives are also in comparative roles will always split housework even if they didn't in previous marriages.

My dd pretty much knew what she wanted to do when she was about 3.
Whereas many parents would laugh it off, I got behind her and let her run with it.
I'm not saying I'm right, but it's the choice I made. I didn't push or try to control, but would always do my best to manage what she wanted to do.
I believe that you should encourage your children to aim for their goals, aims, ambition and their dreams.
I personally favour this attitude than do well at school and get a well paid job.
We are all different.

Am only half way through so sorry (p16) so sorry if crossposting.

I think everyone should shut up and not judge.

There are fewer and fewer people who can afford/be happy with a SAHP because rents/mortgages are so high - if you live in the SE you'd be lucky nowadays, and wherever you live jobs that fit around a school day are few and far between and others don't justify the cost of childcare/commute.

Some parents feel driven to work and/or aren't natural parents - far better they work and leave the childcare to someone else. Dad, mum, day care or whatever. Margaret Drabble and other 40s/50s children remember highly qualified and driven mothers being depressed and maddened because they couldn't work - in part because eg teachers had to resign on marriage or just do supply. Equally there must have been mothers desperate to stay at home with their DC but couldn't because one salary wasn't enough or the father was unable to work or pissed it away. So many variables.

The vast majority of us try to do the best we can and always have done.

gilly up to 18 we've encouraged both. It's been a tricky juggling act for sure.

The next step will be DD's choice. Academic or vocation? It's not proved easy.

I'm not judgemental, but do feel you are missing out. I get tremendous satisfaction from working, but then I have only not worked during 2 mat leaves, since I was 14 so not working would be very strange to me.

Missing out on what still

Carl

My dd has never shown any interest in academic studies, so has been quite easy for us.
I must admit when I wasn't working it was very easy, no juggling at all.
I dedicated a few years to letting her lead her education, again not suggesting I'm better or right.
When older dc were little although there was little childcare available I had decided I wanted to be a sahm because it worked best for us. I encouraged them with their dreams too, they took normal everyday jobs and are happy enough.
The result has been that dh career has progressed, but he's done as much raising dc and domestic stuff as I have. He's done up houses, learned how to plumb, build, most things but not electric
He's always done the gardening, DIY, anything high as I'm small and don't like ladders
I do get your point about some corporate types, but neither of us have ever worked for an employer. Even when I worked before dc, it was my own business.
So, me not working has really not had an adverse affect on the division of labour, equality of relationship etc.

I don't judge esp if your DH has a high paying job. I am curious though what SAHM do the while day while the kids are at school?

Two days a week volunteering in primary school, a couple of hours a week cleaning the church, two hours a week teaching catechism (depending on time of year), a morning a week helping a friend with charity fundraising.....

School was a 20 minute walk away so after drop off I would go home via the shop so back about 9.30 then I'd be leaving again at 14.45 for the pick up so only just over five hours to fill.

As I said upthread, I am less busy now that I've gone back to work! Never had time to spend in Mumsnet back then!

I wouldn't judge you and you have no need to feel degraded if you don't earn your own income.

If it works for someone and their family then that's perfectly fine and no-one else's business. If I could afford it then I would not do any paid employment at all. I would do some form of part time voluntary work instead.

Tbh I don't particularly care what DD ends up doing, as long as she's happy. For now i support her academically,building up life skills and whatever extracurriculars she might have an interest in.

However(and i do realise this is so off the thread it probably needs it's o n thread) i find it rather sad and dunno disconcerting that she is the only girl at the school football club(reception to y3).

I suspect that the OP is in a certain kind of situation that makes returning to work pointless. The DH sounds like many men I know and quite frankly, there is a cat in hell's chance of them adjusting their work schedules to do "their share" of housework.They don't even expect their wives to do housework, fgs - they have cleaners, gardeners, the lot! They are not quite of the same mentality as the "senior managers" mentioned upthread. More like extremely-driven workaholics who earn multi-millions. In that context, any job the OP returned to, she would have to really want to do it. If she was full-time in a "career", it would make for a very high-pressure family set-up which would be detrimental to the DC.

DH would have stayed home quite happily but it was me who appears to be the only one of us who can get pregnant. It was far easier for me to take a chunk of years out than dip in and out with each kid. No way that would fly at a senior level in my industry. I was working when I was pregnant with DC1 and it was hard going. I was so tired. I had the choice to not do that to myself again so I didn't.

This won't be popular but for me I didn't want someone less educated taking care of my kids. I wasn't going to comfortable farming out full time care of my kids to someone without much formal education.

Stillwishihadabs. I'm not judgemental, but do feel you are missing out. I get tremendous satisfaction from working, but then I have only not worked during 2 mat leaves, since I was 14 so not working would be very strange to me

I hadn't not worked from 16 till I had DS at 33. At one point I had two jobs and split weekends between 2 lots of volunteering. It isn't a lack of work ethic that makes people give up work. I'm also degree educated and have 11 years experience in my area of work - I'm quite capable.

But circumstances are circumstances and one of us had to be there full time.

I get tremendous satisfaction from being here for him all day. I'm " lucky" to be able to do that though our circumstances are not. I have adult company, enjoy reading and going to the threatre, nights out with friends. I might occasionally miss the camaraderie of the office but I don't miss customers. If you enjoy your job thaws great, I and other SAHP's enjoy being with the kids all day. Both options are fine

FFS are we still doing this? Round and round in bloody circles.

I shan't participate in this type of discussion until I see a talk board where men angst about whether they should return to work or not, whether they are setting good examples and fathers who have made one decision are pitted against fathers who have made another.

Still

I know you aren't judgmental.
Honestly, I don't think I have missed out on anything from not working for so many years.
I think I hit the jack pot tbh, and feel lucky to have hd the chance to do the things I have and lived the life I have.

If that sounds naff, my apologies, but wanted to answer your question.
The work I'm doing now is only temporary while we work out what we want to do property wise.
And of course morally in our circumstances it seemed wrong not to work at all.

Havent you technically just participated kerela ?

Technically. But I haven't then gone on to justify my lifestyle choices. Have been on mn too long and seen these threads same same same.

Off to drink some wine. Enjoy

Im just lurking now kerala

I just pop back now and again to watch the roundabout

You shouldn't feel 'degraded' for being a SAHM OP. Mums should feel happy and satisfaction in whichever path they choose on this one. I've been a SAHM (sort of ), part timer and now full, as my youngest is 8. I am trying to be a good role model to them, and help contribute towards the family finances and I enjoy my work and earning money. However I agree being at home and helping in the community /church/school etc is really worth while and benefits us all. I just think everyone should work hard at whatever they are doing.

Threads like this make me despair, partly because of the extremist sniping but mainly because it shows how far away we are from equality when it comes to sharing parental duties.
Does anyone else's DH work adjusted/flexible/reduced hours? After DC1 was born DH and I both went down to 4 days and alternate early starts/finishes. DC 1 and 2 go to nursery 3 days a week and we alternate drop off and pick ups so neither of us is always rushing out of the office early and can attend the odd work event. When I am asked (and I regularly am) about how he managed to get them to agree to this I just say he put in a request the same way the many women in his company did when they had children. I really wish that what he does will become the norm. We are partners and share both parenting and shitwork house responsibilities.
I am in a pretty senior role and I find that makes it easier to be flexible as there is a level of trust and assurance that you will get the job done. While I appreciate that this is not the case in some sectors, I must admit to an inward eye roll when I hear women say that their DH's job means they can't possibly ever make it home in time for bed time or take a day off if the DC are ill. I do think "i bet there are women in that office who make it work". And while I don't judge anyone the choices they make for their family, I do think that some of the mothers who choose to stay home because of logistics/finances may have made different choices had they not been up against a lack of willingness to compromise on their partner's front.

Funny also that on MN everyone's DH seems to be the higher earner/millionaire entrepreneur when stats show that men and women are fairly on par until women reach their 30s.

Yup my DH mine
And I got "how can you trust him" which he cared f or the DC on my working da y s.
I think we should be careful how we approach Sah/WOH and preferably share roles.

I can't help but think about a vociferous sahm on here a few years back -she was so anti career/WOH.
Her DC ended up working in a call centre and a supermarket and probably will never have real choice or opportunity.
Happy days

Yup my DH put his request in-apparently a first!

bite

The call centre worker went to another call centre where they are responsible for payroll system advice, over the phone or skype etc.
He has bought his first property for cash, and it's coming along nicely
The technical knowledge earned him a promotion so he's starting out, he's 22 now.

The supermarket worker owns his own property and has a rental property now too. He gets married next year.
Now an independant mortgage broker, he too gained a promotion, oh and a suit

The other one is a bit weird and will probably never have a run of the mill job. We're coming to terms with that

Maybe you should question if that poster was so anti wohm or just defensive because of the awful things that were being said towards sahm.
The poster probably works pt now themselves

I get a bit irritated with comments about how working sets a good example to children. It does but so does being a SAHP.

Gilly