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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have never felt degraded by the fact I don't earn "my own" income?

999 replies

Incognit0 · 30/04/2017 19:58

I'm fairly new to MN, but recently have read a lot of threads which seem quite judgemental about women who do not work outside the home, particularly once the DC are at school. I have never come across this attitude in real life, so wonder if MN is an anomaly, or if I'm actually missing something?

OP posts:
RufusTheRenegadeReindeer · 01/05/2017 17:56

evie

Wow...just wow

GetAHaircutCarl · 01/05/2017 17:57

incog as I have said, I would not judge you for not working but I probably would judge your DH for being so disengaged from his DC.

I'm not impressed by men who dip out of all familial responsibility. And I don't think it's often as necessary as they make out. Just convenient.

PeanutButterBunny · 01/05/2017 17:59

gilly While my question was 100% out of curiosity, you sound very judgmental towards parents who do work. And I am sure most of uswho work still find time to cook, clean, drive, etc etc because it's necessary. I believe in the saying busy people tend to get more things done.

I grew up in a household where my mom was a businesswoman, I look up to her regarding ambition, career, and I think she still is one of the most intelligent, independent woman I've known. And she's still a mom, a carer to us. I just can't see myself being a SAHM due to my experience but as I said before I am not judging others who choose to be one.

In the case of my colleague, he doesn't seem happy about his wife not working and has told a few of us how he wished she would go back to work. Their children are 15 and 18.

Original poster
Incognit0 · 01/05/2017 18:01

Fair enough Carl, but it's all relative and it's what you're used to. We are both parenting. I'm taking care of the day to day stuff, he's funding their opportunities and the longer term plan for their / our futures. And he's not disengaged when he's here. It is what it is.

OP posts:
doggonedoolally · 01/05/2017 18:02

DH and I both had high earning senior jobs when DC1 came along. I was in my thirties and had a well established career. I've been a SAHM for 6 years. We tried it with me going back but it was a mess trying to coordinate travel schedules/childcare etc. We don't have family near us as back up and the kids weren't happy. It just wasn't worth it. For one of us to be in a senior role one of needed to stay home. If we had been middle management with back up childcare it would have been different. And I have help with the kids because DH often has to travel at short notice to far corners of globe. I might go back someday but if I do it will be part time and not in a senior role. I want to be here for the kids after school. I want to spend as much time as I can with them.

I wouldn't judge anyone because I'm not an arsehole and I don't need to boost my own ego by putting others down.

I have friends who work full time/have au pairs, friends that took a few months off with each kid, friends that left work to have kids and never went back. Each family has a different set of circumstances.

mummarichardson · 01/05/2017 18:03

I used to have a high powered and pressured job working silly hours and commuting and traveling a lot. Then I had a baby who was extremely poorly and died aged 7 weeks. I then realised that actually it didn't matter that I was really good at my job or that I had a career. All I wanted was my baby and anytime you have with them is precious. So when my second child came I made a decision to struggle financially but have time in abundance. I got to 10 months and knew that in order to be a better more patient mother I needed to have some time away from being a mum. I went to a job part time. For me this balance works well but in answer to your question I never judge, I made my choices based on my experiences, who knows why others make the choices they do and I think it's awful that we constantly have to explain and justify the choices we do

bitemyarsenic · 01/05/2017 18:06

Not nice Evie
How excellent post and very honest.
I know DH and I are very lucky in our circumstances and I would never denigrate those who dont have the same choices.

StealthPolarBear · 01/05/2017 18:06

Why woukd the nanny need industry knowledge?

bitemyarsenic · 01/05/2017 18:09

So sorry for your lossmummaFlowers

corythatwas · 01/05/2017 18:12

What we need to balance this thread is a man who was willing to fit his commitments round the career of his wife, travel when her job required it, be around to pick up a sick child from school or organise a doctor's visit at a moment's notice.

Step forward, db- I suspect you are in a minority.

ciderwithrose · 01/05/2017 18:16

Have to say that if your partner is unemployed/ill/addicted and unreliable etc or estranged, then work most definitely is the be all and end all.
However, if you are fulfilled and you know you can depend on your partner, then there's no reason for you to worry about other people's opinions.
My only reservation would be that I wouldn't want boys to grow up believing they should bear the pressure of being the sole breadwinner, not would i want girls growing up expecting that another adult will rescue them from financial responsibility. But those are my reservations. Your life is your set up. Would I judge you because you don't work? No.

Ollycat · 01/05/2017 18:18

I know a number of Dads who have either stopped work or work very part time whilst their wives worked very high flying/ pressurised jobs.

The thing which people are refusing to answer though is why it's not OK according to some people for a woman to chose to stay at home?

RebelRogue · 01/05/2017 18:19

Ignoring how other women feel about your life choices, I guess it's also hard to feel "degraded" when your partner does treat you as an equal,you have full access and autonomy over finances,equal input on major purchases,the ability to say no to something,not have to ask for money or justify every spend etc.

I have a friend who is a SAHM and is fairly miserable,but not because she is a SAHM it's because her partner treats her like a child,especially when it comes to money and purchases. She will agonise whether something is worth it,is it the right (best) choice etc,. He will check her bank account and have a go at her because she's overdrawn or whatever.

metalmum15 · 01/05/2017 18:19

Evie I really hope you don't have daughters, your nasty post proves you're not a great role model yourself.

MsHooliesCardigan · 01/05/2017 18:20

I absolutely love my job and it is a huge part of my identity. I know that I have stopped 2 people from taking their lives. I have had an instrumental role in turning around the lives of several people who were heading for a lifetime in the Criminal Justice System. I have fought for one of my patients to be given the right to parent her child and I was proved right and they are now doing brilliantly (I have also been proved wrong in a similar case). It's nothing to do with earning money to buy handbags, it's about performing a valuable role in society. However, I know that I am incredibly lucky in having been able to keep up my career. Firstly, I have always had extremely family friendly managers - my job mostly consists of home visits and they have always taken the view that, as long as my work gets done, they will turn a blind eye to me occasionally coming in an hour late or sloping off to see an assembly or school play.
Secondly, I have been blessed with the most amazing childcare- we had a total saint of a childminder who the DCs still see now (in DS1's case, 14 years after he stopped going there) who they genuinely see as an extra grandparent. I am still in touch with the childminder who cared for me - I am 48 and she is 92. Then they went to the most amazing nursery - it's a hospital nursery so staff are subject to
NHS pay and conditions so you don't tend to get the constant turnover of staff that you get in private nurseries. When DS1 started, his keyworker had been there for 10 years and was still there 10 years later when DS2 left along with many other staff. All my children adored nursery and they all made friends that they are still in touch with now.
They also had the benefit of an awesome breakfast and after school club which has been run by the same woman for 20 years and really is like a family. I honestly believe that the childcare my children have experienced has been a massive plus in their life.
I'm also hugely lucky in that the three of them are very healthy and very rarely off sick. I have friends/colleagues whose children are constantly ill and it is a nightmare.
I hate the way these threads go. Everyone has to do what works for them. The only people I judge are those that judge others.

GetAHaircutCarl · 01/05/2017 18:20

incog when you're surrounded by families where the fathers take no responsibilities except earning, it starts to feel normal.

The wives make light of how 'hopeless' these men are at all things domestic. And ensure they never have to do any.

The men are even encouraged to delude themselves that they're actually great parents.

GetAHaircutCarl · 01/05/2017 18:24

Interestingly these men, in addition to demanding work that requires 100% flexibility that leaves little time for family, usually have time consuming hobbies too.

SemiNormal · 01/05/2017 18:25

Evie is there really any need for such a horrible tirade of abuse?! Seriously some of these comments are just disgusting - on BOTH sides of the argument. Which in itself is baffling, there doesn't need to be sides. Not all children and families are the same, each have different needs and circumstances. I'm sure we all do what we consider the best for our own situations.

gillybeanz · 01/05/2017 18:33

Peanut

I can assure you I'm not against parents that work, it just wouldn't have worked for my family for various reasons. I don't judge people or their choices, I do jump on bad attitudes though. Not suggesting you have said anything btw.

I work myself, albeit 20 hours a week for min wage in a call centre.

My issue is with those that think because a certain situation is right for their family anybody who does differently is wrong.

My biggest issue is with the people who think you have to woh for your children to have a good work ethic, or to be a good role model, it's a bit ridiculous really.

RebelRogue · 01/05/2017 18:38

When DD was younger she wanted to be a doctor,astronaut,builder.
Now(age5) she says she wants to be a mummy and a teacher(I'm actually a TA but hey ho) like me.
I've obviously failed her.

gillybeanz · 01/05/2017 18:38

Stealth

Because she'd have to make decisions based on her knowledge or lack of it. Or somebody would, and this would probably have been quite expensive to find.
We are all different you see, I'm sure most parents wouldn't have to find a person to have industry knowledge and to chaperone their child if they were at work.

teenagetantrums · 01/05/2017 18:39

I wouldn't judge you. I have worked since my two were 12 weeks old. I would have quite liked someone who would gave earned enough for me to stay at home. But she he left me l was so glad l had a job. You do what's best for your family.

GetAHaircutCarl · 01/05/2017 18:42

rebel at 5 DD wanted to be a teacher. Now at 17 she wants to be an actress/writer/director.

I suspect I have definitely failed Grin.

Original poster
Incognit0 · 01/05/2017 18:44

Carl - he does take responsibility. It's hard to explain, but this is just how we work. We live in an area where everyone and everything is "hyped up" anyway, I suppose. It may not be normal to everyone, but that doesn't make it any less normal when you're in it.

OP posts:
UppityHumpty · 01/05/2017 18:47

My 8 yo wants to be a doctor or an astronaut or a mathematician or a policewoman - all depends on how she's feeling on a given day. Nothing to do with me (an investment banker) or her dh (engineer). All we do is ensure our skills are passed on. So I've given her a passion for computer programming which along with her teachers means she's now coding her own apps. DH has made her incredibly handy - she's building go karts, and able to pull apart fuses, and has recently learned how to fill the air in my tyres and jump start it.