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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to have never felt degraded by the fact I don't earn "my own" income?

999 replies

Incognit0 · 30/04/2017 19:58

I'm fairly new to MN, but recently have read a lot of threads which seem quite judgemental about women who do not work outside the home, particularly once the DC are at school. I have never come across this attitude in real life, so wonder if MN is an anomaly, or if I'm actually missing something?

OP posts:
metalmum15 · 01/05/2017 16:47

This thread is fucking shameful. MN at its absolute worst

Yep. Whether someone chooses to be a SAHP or WOHP, it's no fucker else's business. I know both and would never judge either for their choices. It's not my place.

Just curious, if you won mega bucks on the lottery tomorrow and could give up your job for life, would you? Or would you worry you'd be judged as a lazy bastard?

needsahalo · 01/05/2017 16:48

If you add up how much a nanny would have cost for 3 dc, a cook, cleaner, chauffeur and all the other many jobs I have done over 25 years, it comes in at much more than he has earned

If you dies, your husband would replace you with a cook, cleaner and chauffeur? Or would he get on with it himself and still manage to get to work on time?

corythatwas · 01/05/2017 16:51

zeezeek Mon 01-May-17 16:39:55
"Cory - yes I do. So what?"

Does it not follow, then, that the research I did as an unpaid SAHM and carer has less value than the research I am now being paid for?

According to your way of reasoning, the value lies in your pay and status. According to my way of reasoning, it lies in the quality of your work. And that goes for childcare as well as for any other job.

zeezeek · 01/05/2017 16:54

Annie - because bringing up,a child is not work. It is just something that humans do, and have done for generations upon generations. It is not a career. A career is something you go out and do for money.

It is ridiculous to pretend that a SAHM is a cook, cleaner etc. If you want to stay home and depend on someone else to keep you then knock yourself out. As long as I don't have to pay for it then I don't care. But don't try and pretend that it is a job, or that your partner would employ all these different people if you didn't do it.

zeezeek · 01/05/2017 16:55

I'm bored of this now.

gillybeanz · 01/05/2017 16:55

Do working parents think they don't contribute to family life then, when they aren't working?
Of course all parents clean, cook, raise children, do admin, etc.
It was stated that sahm does not contribute to the household, of course they do.
As I said if we had to pay for all those things it would soon add up.
We don't have to pay for those things because we do them together or as a family.
We all contribute whether working or not, it's ridiculous to suggest otherwise.
I just have more time in which to do it, than someone who works full time. I have less time than someone who doesn't woh at all.

DioneTheDiabolist · 01/05/2017 16:55

Where I live, all the SAHMs are on benefits. I don't judge them and I don't judge those SAHMs who are not on benefits.

supermoon100 · 01/05/2017 16:58

I don't judge either way. What ever works for your family. I have been both and loved being a sahm. It was ace!

GetAHaircutCarl · 01/05/2017 16:58

The cook/chauffeur/24 hour nanny argument is so daft.

How many families without a SAHP have those things Grin?

DH and I both do demanding well paid work but we've never had a personal driver Confused. We must be terribly special being able to work and basic familial responsibilities.

Cafecat · 01/05/2017 17:03

I sadly know of a family where the mother did die quite suddenly. It was a massive shock. Her husband did indeed have to hire a live-in nanny who could chauffeur, cook, help with homework and everything his wife had done pretty damn quick. He was an options trader but had no "option" to be flexi at all.

I think a lot of people don't realise that it's not possible for a DH to just "adjust" their hours as and when. Men who earn into the millions do so because they are in particular industries that are about as far from family -friendly as you can get.

JoanRamone · 01/05/2017 17:03

zeezeek there is a difference between work and a career. I don't think anyone is claiming being a SAHM is a career but it IS work. My DC is dependent and needs someone to look after them. We could pay someone else to do it (who would be working for money) or I could do it and be marginalised, told I'm lazy, eventually struggle to get back into the workplace all because I had the cheek to want to spend a few precious years at home with my child nurturing them in a loving home environment.

bitemyarsenic · 01/05/2017 17:03

Of course we do these thingsConfused and contribute.
So why bring up the cook chauffeur thing?
I dont send my DH a list of what I've saved him by cooking his dinner Grin

Annie592 · 01/05/2017 17:03

Buy zeezeek that wasn't my point- I never said raising a child was or wasn't work. I asked why does doing paid work make you feel 'worth something'? Even if it isn't a worthwhile job? (Not commenting on you personally obviously, but in general)?

RebelRogue · 01/05/2017 17:04

Zeezee well most parents if on their own would have to at least pay for childcare.
Some might even hire a cleaner.
I'm not a supermum,I'm more of a good enough will do mum,but even so OH would struggle to maintain the house and DD's care by himself. He'd have to find childcare that would have her from 6-9 am and then 3-6 pm at least(sometimes he can be gone from 5;30 till 7-8 pm at night). And somehow still do reading books,spellings,homework. Give her dinner,play with her,wash etc and have her in bed by 7pm. Sort out uniforms and remember all the shit that goes on at school. Clean,cook, arrange playdates,do laundry,remember she doesn't like wearing tights on a wednesday. Remember Thursday she has x activity which means she takes her backpack not her bookbag .
By himself he'd survive perfectly fine,with dd either his income,her care or possibly both would suffer.

gillybeanz · 01/05/2017 17:06

Carl

That wasn't what I was saying.
It was stated that sahm does not contribute, they do by doing much of the above.
Some jobs don't allow time for everything to be done by the family and there is hired help.
Some manage without the hired help. Some choose to have it to free up valuable family time and I don't blame them.

The fact remains that a sahm is contributing to the family by doing these things that in SOME cases wohp wouldn't be able to do. and/or want to.

Some of the things I have done for my dc would have been impossible for me to do whilst working, so I didn't.
There is no problem now, so I work pt.

We are all different and the problem with threads like this is that SOME people are that narrow minded they are incapable of putting themselves in somebody else's situation. Or even believing that some people dare to lead a different lifestyle to them.

KatharinaRosalie · 01/05/2017 17:08

the thing I wonder about - are all the working partners totally fine about that?

DH and I have had various set-ups - both working, then I was on maternity leave, then he was a SAHD, then both working again. When he was home with small kids, I felt he was doing his fair share.

If he would have said that he wants me to be the only breadwinner for ever and once kids are in school, or even grown up, he would like to spend his days going to book clubs, volunteering and meeting friends - hm, not so sure I would be entirely happy with my share.

Original poster
Incognit0 · 01/05/2017 17:10

If anything was to happen to me, of course DH would need to hire someone who could look after the DC and build a relationship with them, cook, chauffeur and coordinate everything else. They would need to be full time 24 hour. What else could he do?

OP posts:
needsahalo · 01/05/2017 17:12

Oh these poor menz....couldn't cope without a wife. What is it that all those single mums do, then? Oh yeah, make adjustments, change jobs, find childcare, juggle, juggle, juggle.

Jesus fucking wept.

corythatwas · 01/05/2017 17:13

zeezeek Mon 01-May-17 16:54:09
"Annie - because bringing up,a child is not work. It is just something that humans do, and have done for generations upon generations. It is not a career"

If you went back to some kind of primitive hunter-gatherer society, I am pretty sure they would tell you that bringing food for your family is just something that humans do. The whole idea of a salaried "career" as something vital to human self esteem is a pretty new one for most of humanity. So that is neither here nor there.

KatharinaRosalie · 01/05/2017 17:14

They would need to be full time 24 hour. - why, isn't he there at least some of the time? Most single parents don't have live-in 24H help

GetAHaircutCarl · 01/05/2017 17:16

rebel can your DH not do even basic things then?

Marmalade85 · 01/05/2017 17:18

I'm a lone parent and I work full time. Somehow I manage without a cook, cleaner and a chauffeur Shock

RebelRogue · 01/05/2017 17:19

Carl he can and he does at the weekend. During the week he's just not here. And I don't cost him enough,that me dying would mean him being gone less.

Original poster
Incognit0 · 01/05/2017 17:20

It's not about "poor menz".

DH would need someone here 24/7 as he frequently travels overseas at short notice.

He has at least 3 companies and other business interests which you can't just "juggle" around kids. Nor can you just jack it all in to focus on the DC as there are processes to go through and a lot of people would lose jobs.

You can only cook and look after your kids if you're physically there to do it and if this is not possible of course you have to pay someone.

OP posts:
GetAHaircutCarl · 01/05/2017 17:21

Why do these men bother to have kids if they don't ever see them or help raise them?