AIBU to have never felt degraded by the fact I don't earn "my own" income?

[Incognit0]

I'm fairly new to MN, but recently have read a lot of threads which seem quite judgemental about women who do not work outside the home, particularly once the DC are at school. I have never come across this attitude in real life, so wonder if MN is an anomaly, or if I'm actually missing something?

Marmalade - I know people now who are SAHMs and whose DC are in boarding school or will be going. Surely though, that's their choice and none of my business.

Marmalade

I'd assume you were very unimaginative and unable to see things apart from your very narrow perspective, tbh.
My dd boards and I wasn't working for her first year, wtf has that got to do with anything?
Obviously a case of different strokes for different folks.

rebel

brilliant

I sometimes wonder who SAHMs think cooks dinner, does the cleaning, kisses goodnight and wipes the backsides of the kids of parents who WOTH.

I've always worked. I've also been as much of a 24/7 parent as a SAHM. Especially once the kids are at school.

I do think there is a bit of a martyr complex going on with some (some) SAHPs who feel the need to justify themselves. I have no idea why they feel that since most Women I know don't judge anyone else's choices.

I have no idea why they feel that since most Women I know don't judge anyone else's choices.

They aren't on mumsnet then 😬

Academic here, zeezeek, and pretty well all the research on my latest book was done on an unfunded basis while I was at home as an unpaid carer for my disabled daughter. Does that mean the research is somehow worthless, that it wasn't "real" work because it wasn't paid? Should I tell my publisher?

On the other hand, I can think of some pretty crap academic books whose writers were certainly on a very comfortable income. Does that mean their writing acquires some kind of intrinsic value, merely due to the amount of money changing hands?

One of the main reasons why my brother and I went to boarding school was so our man there could return to work. We loved it. Had a fabulous education.

Neither of mine want to go at the moment but if they change their minds then I'd happily send them.

People may not comment face to face but will be thinking it.

For me, it's not a choice I'd make. Doing nothing all day every day at the cost to someone else seems awfully selfish. Plus I'd not want my daughter to think she didn't have to do anything or my son to think he had no choice in his life but to work.

It's ok to want to be happy but happiness doesn't equally not working.

Marriage may give some protection but with no job of their own most people would be screwed. Spousal support is getting rarer as judges see no reason for a grown adult not to work.

Pretty much all of my papers and my last book was written away from the office, in the evenings after my day at work.

So your point is?

I don't think you can really call yourself a SAHM if your children are in boarding school OP. I think 'housewife' is more appropriate.

I'm a WOHM and I think it's a mumsnet thing.

In my group of mum friends there are full time WOHM part time WOHM mum's and SAHM. LP and married couples. The SAHM has a DP who works away and v long hours. I work part time in a demanding job and am a LP and the full time WOHM juggles a career job with her Dh job and no other support because he is from overseas and her DP are elderly.
I don't think any of us thinks the others have it easier or have made a less worthwhile choice. We are all, like most parents, just muddling along trying to do the best for our families in our various situations.

zeezeek Mon 01-May-17 15:52:57
"Pretty much all of my papers and my last book was written away from the office, in the evenings after my day at work.

So your point is?"

My point is that you seem to think that work that is paid for (e.g. a nanny's) is somehow ipso facto more valuable than work that is not paid for.

I don't judge esp if your DH has a high paying job. I am curious though what SAHM do the while day while the kids are at school?

I did meet one whose husband works with me and she sounds very high maintenance. I dont think they are financially very settled and I do wonder what her husband thinks of her constant demand when she doesnt contribute.

So working parents with children in day school are full time parents, where parents of children at boarding school are housewives

I know working parents of children in day schools who hardly ever see their children, my dd friend parents are like this.
They both work, come home and do domestics whilst child skulks in bedroom, they don't eat together and she goes to bed without seeing parents.
Much like my dd who boards mon - fri/sat.

I'm a housewife then, although, that must make dh a house husband then as he does as much housework as me.
Or maybe I'm a just a lazy fucker, who isn't a good role model to my dc.
Giving them a poor work ethic, irrespective of the fact they work at 16 in our family, or before if they are able/ want to.

Marmalade - you can call me a housewife for the hours my DC are in school if you deem it appropriate.

Zee - like Cory, I don't see your logic at all, I have to be honest.

Peanut

I can only speak on behalf of my dh but he believes that my contribution to family life has been the same if not more than his.
If you add up how much a nanny would have cost for 3 dc, a cook, cleaner, chauffeur and all the other many jobs I have done over 25 years, it comes in at much more than he has earned.

I've never found the need to demand anything, but we are all different.
If I want something I buy it, all accounts are accessible to me.

What do you do with your days off Peanut
I'd say that once you have sorted the necessary tasks you do pretty much what a sahm would do, perhaps enjoy your free time somehow?

Cory - yes I do. So what?

Ah gilly but is it worthwhile? Are you changing lives,the world,the future? Are you making a difference?

If not you're obviously doing it wrong. Whatever it is.

It's the overall level of family wealth that will determine your "independence" in the event of a separation, as everything will be split in any case

That assumes there is 'wealth'. Half of nothing is nothing! Buying houses is an expensive business - if you have no job you can't get a mortgage. No job, no income. To stay in the marital home you need to be able to afford it. Maintenance for children is not huge and is reduced depending on shared care, other children in your now ex husband's home. There are a million and one ways to avoid paying maintenance with no comeback whatsoever. Spousal maintenance is increasingly rare and only an issue anyway for very high earners.

You need to think what would happen if I had to start from scratch? How would I manage? It is madness to assume it could never happen to you.

Ofc if you were a nurse,researcher on the cure for cancer,doctor,teacher,lawyer,social worker etc... doing all those thing,you obviously don't spend enough time with your kids,abandon them and what not. You are still doing it wrong .. whatever it is,

A cook? A cleaner? A chauffeur? You live in a different world!!

Seriously who has a cook and chaffeur-I dont have a cleaner either! how can you possibly have saved your DH paying for things noone has any way!?

Gillybeanz - but working parents do all that too!

Whether one or both parents work is a purely personal choice for that couple, made for their own personal reasons. So long as it is a genuinely joint decision and both are happy with it, who cares what anyone else does? Why do people feel this need to pass comment on other people's lives?

Work will fill to expand the time you have to do it, regardless of whether that is housework or paid work, and regardless of whether you have kids/have kids at school or not and whether you stay at home or work!

Why do some (some!) people feel they or others are only leading a worthwhile life if they're earning money? That is a genuine question. I mean- if you're a nurse or teacher or firemen etc, I get that you're doing an invaluable job, because of the job though not the money (and you don't get paid enough for those jobs). But what about all the jobs that involve pushing money around, persuading people to buy things they don't really need, making superrich companies get even richer? Why is that so worthwhile, but bringing up a child is not? People keep saying to me 'if you become a SAHM you will lose your identity, you'll lose your sense of self worth'.... and I'm worried they could be right, but I really really want to fight that- because the idea that my sense of worth is based on my salary, and not on who I am as a person and how I behave towards others and any non-salaried work I might do, seems really really sad to me.