AIBU to have never felt degraded by the fact I don't earn "my own" income?

[Incognit0]

I'm fairly new to MN, but recently have read a lot of threads which seem quite judgemental about women who do not work outside the home, particularly once the DC are at school. I have never come across this attitude in real life, so wonder if MN is an anomaly, or if I'm actually missing something?

You can change the world/make a difference through ways other than paid work.

Extremes in any domain are harmful.
A SAHM that is obsessed with her children's life,over-involved and with no other interests is not good.
A WOHM that never sees her children,has no interest in them or their activities etc is not good.

But those are extremes,and while they may exist they are in the minority. The majority of people(women) just muddle on,do the best they can with the choices they have available to them and what works best for the family.
No one is gonna turn round and say "you are right, I'm packing my job in/finding a job straight away,thank you for letting me see the light!"

spikey of course.

I know some people who do amazing political work for no financial reward.

But the hours mean they are not toe rubbing SAHMs any more than your average office worker.

This thread is fucking shameful.

MN at it's absolute worst.

zeezeek

Having children and bringing them up isn't work. Sorry, but it's not.

Speak for yourself, I saw it as my work. I couldn't give a shiney shit what anyone else thinks, tbh.
I had a job to do raising my dc when other parents were working.
I took it seriously, yes just like a childcare worker in a nursery or pre school.
My responsibility didn't stop, during certain working hours because I was at home looking after my children, rather than having somebody else do it.
That isn't a judgement but a fact, another fact being that my dd especially wouldn't have had the opportunities she has if I had worked.
We made the choice and we have lived our lives accordingly, and it has worked for us.

It isn't any better or worse than a family with two working parents.

zeezeek - would you say a Nanny has a job or not? Does a Nanny's paid employment count as 'work'?

Or do you think that if you are caring for someone else's DCs it's "work" but as soon as the DCs you are caring for are your own, then it's not work.

No one is gonna turn round and say "you are right, I'm packing my job in/finding a job straight away,thank you for letting me see the light!"

Agree, all that's happening is people who are doing the right things for their families are being made to feel a bit shit. Working mums accused of not wishing to be with their kids and neglecting them. Stay at home mums being accused of being lazy bastards using the excuse of having kids to live off their husbands for as long as possible.

Lovely jubbly.

Yes, exactly that. Bringing up children isn't work. It's just something you do as a human being. We paid the au pairs to do child care when we weren't there, but we (their parents) were still bringing them up.

My job is as an academic. That's work for me. That's what I get paid to do.

My children are just my children and I bring them up because that's what parents do - regardless of anything else that they do in their lives. I don't understand when and why it all became so complicated.

I would love to be a sahm but living in london it's just not affordable. People are probably a bit jealous...as am I!

What do full time working parents do with their 12-15 yr olds in school holidays ? I'm genuinely curious. Once my Dc were about 11/12 they absolutely refused to go to "play prison". Every holiday after that was a nightmare of organising activities and left me about £10 a week. I would much rather have been able to stay home during those early teen yrs but couldn't afford it even though the school holidays ate up nearly all my wages. Fortunately they didn't go off the rails during this period but it was a worrying few years. Child care issues don't disappear when children start school, i found it just got worse as they got older.

I really hate the commodification of raising your own children, by calling it 'work'. It's the same when caring for elderly relatives. It's different when it's a nursery or care home, because of amongst many things, the emotional involvement

"I really hate the commodification of raising your own children, by calling it 'work'."

You can start hating it once it is being done fairly, by both mothers and fathers on an equal footing, neither of whom will get penalized in the workplace, or get penalized equally, for doing childcare. In an ideal world, yes.

As it is, women are hugely losing out financially and professionally for being expected to be the one who provides free childcare, so yes, it absolutely should be commodified.

I think some people make much harder work of child raising than others. Letting them play on gadgets all day and watch TV or whatnot is much less work than planning activities, helping them execute them etc. But I suspect that many parents call the former work.

But I don't mind the 'commodification' of this kind of work. If you hired someone to do it you would pay, so why has it only got no value when a (normally female) family member does it? Placing a value on this kind of work is important.

I really hate the commodification of raising your own children, by calling it 'work'.

Me too!

1. It starts stupid arguments like 'parents who work can have a day off but I never have a day off'. I'm so busy with my kids that is IS A job.

1. Implications are that if being at home child raising and cleaning is a "job" then somehow people who choose not to mustn't be doing as good a job

1. It's totally different to being a nanny or a cleaner. Namely because nannies and cleaners still have to look after their own kids and clean their homes. Looking after your own children and home is just part of having children and a home.

Stay at home if you like. Work if you like. Im all for choice. But lets stop the martyr complex displayed by some SAHP on this thread that they're somehow doing 10 jobs by staying at home.

"Letting them play on gadgets all day and watch TV or whatnot is much less work than planning activities, helping them execute them etc."

But that is the quality of childcare you are talking about. Yes some parents are shittier than others- just like some workers are generally shittier than other. The fact remains, either a prenat- by far and large the mom- has to remain home and supervise children -whether they do it well or not or not- or someone else has to be paid to do it.

I think it's fine if the parents are BOTH happy with the set up and have discussed expectations once the DC are at school.

However, I fundamentally disagree with people using benefits (Tax Credits or Universal Credit) to fund a SAHP by topping up the sole earner's income. It's a lifestyle choice and I don't think it's fair for taxpayers to foot the bill.

If I knew a SAHP with school aged children I would assume they were lazy.

and from your post Marmalade, I'd assume you're judgemental and unkind

Agree totally witsender.

I am also saddened that teaching children a work ethic is being equated to working outside the home. Just as there are many ways to be a good parent there are many ways to instil a work ethic.

Personally I don't like the concept of my money and dh's money- it is all family money. I find all the having to work in case dh leaves uncomfortable reading - relationships should be about trust not having a plan for when your husband leaves surely.

Every SAHM I know is degree educated as am I - they have actively chosen their life because it is the best for them. Similar applies to those who work.

If a woman is doing what she chose to do we should applaud them and be pleased for them. It is so sad to read people being so vile about things which, quite frankly are none of their business!

Marmalade and what's wrong with that?

A lot of judging on this thread. IMO what works for one person/ family doesn't work for all. Other than 3 lots of maternity leave - each one between 6 and 9 months I've always worked. Enjoyed my last maternity leave the most. I've always looked forward to ML as a break from work (it is not a rest but I don't see it as 'work' either ) but always sure I'd go back. I didn't need to work financially and from a pure financial aspect it could have been the wrong decision as not working might have allowed my DH more flexibility and we could have done a tour overseas. Most of the families locally at our income level have a non working or very part-time working spouse (normally the mum) I like working, I like being financially independent and I like being valued outside of the home. I would hate to be the supporter/ PA /running the home for my DH - just wouldn't work for me. Whilst it's more hassle, more juggling and yes other people looking after the children after school it also means that we have more choices should anything happen to either of us or our jobs. We both plan to retire early. Between us we still manage to watch plenty of school shows and sports days. What we both do less of is helicopter parent - we don't have the time - and I'm hoping thats a good thing!

My colleague was sent to boarding school, and his sister another boarding school. Their mum was a housewife.

I wouldn't judge you but would be unlikely to be friends as we'd have little in common.

Seems a ridiculous attitude to have, will you be ditching friends who leave their jobs? people have all sorts of interests, hobbies, politics, sports teams etc etc that they have with or without a job

Basically according to this thread i was wrong to not work, i am wrong for working now ,and i am super dooper extra wrong for wishing i could just stay at home. Cool.. anything else?