Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have never felt degraded by the fact I don't earn "my own" income?

999 replies

Incognit0 · 30/04/2017 19:58

I'm fairly new to MN, but recently have read a lot of threads which seem quite judgemental about women who do not work outside the home, particularly once the DC are at school. I have never come across this attitude in real life, so wonder if MN is an anomaly, or if I'm actually missing something?

OP posts:
skerrywind · 01/05/2017 13:29

I'm that 50 year old who gave up a career to become SAHM. My kids are almost adults, OH and I are enjoying life now more than ever.

Staying at home allowed me the time and space to start my own business, small scale for many years,, but now earns my £50K a year, and I work a 15 hour week.

The past 20 years raising kids has been easy, never frazzled, always a calm orderly home, no pressure.

I am so glad I have taken this path.

KatharinaRosalie · 01/05/2017 13:32

She did charity work, had a lot of family and friends over for meals, she studied a bit part time, made really good meals for us, went to a book club, visited friends and elderly neighbours, took us to and from school. What out of these activities doesn't count as an activity?

Im sure it's perfectly possible to fill all your time with activities. But having dinner with friends, book club and studying a bit etc are hobbies/recreation for me. Things that you choose to do, not essentials that need to be done. If I spent a day where I went to the gym, did some French on DuoLingo and had dinner with friends, I would consider this a day off. That's a different kind of busy than what I believe most people mean when they talk about being a busy working parent.

RebelRogue · 01/05/2017 13:34

If people shouldn't think this are they allowed to "I told you so" when he ups and leaves. When you hit your 50s the kids have left and you have no life can we judge you then?

But why do you have to judge at any point in time? What's the point of "I told you so"?
And if that impending doom never happens,then what? Do you just wait for that moment of shittines in a woman's life so you can proudly say "I told you so"?

Btw my mum worked hard all her life and has retired now.But she was also a shitty mum. So i've left home and don't see her much. Dad died. She doesn't have many friends. She has nearly no life,because she's a miserable,judgemental,snobbish sod. It has nothing to do with her ability to work.

gillybeanz · 01/05/2017 13:38

Katharina

you are right, I find/ found as work pt now, it easy to fill the days with activities, hobbies and interests.
It's different to when you are woh, much more freedom.

The thing is though there are wohm on here unlike yourself who can't see that a person can find lots of activity in their lives, they think we are bored, do nothing for ourselves all day and have no life Grin
So in comparison every day was a day off for me, win win.

dontbesillyhenry · 01/05/2017 13:38

lol yes star it's terrible to earn money and show a work ethic to your kids. I 'dump' mine at 8 and collect them at 4 though so surely this makes me a little more acceptable in your eyes- which is clearly all that matters Smile

OhTheRoses · 01/05/2017 13:40

I earn less than one tenth of my DH's earnings in a full time, professional role. Our DC are now 19 and 22. I love going to work, I love having my own income, I love being able to say to dd "shall we have a few days in Barcelona/NY/Geneva after your exams". I love the thought of having a decent pension. Also, what on earth would I do all day now they are independent?

gillybeanz · 01/05/2017 13:43

Sorry, meant to add that obviously I do/did the essential stuff as well.
It's just that long term sahm's obviously don't see employment as essential. I certainly don't and will give up work again when dd leaves school.
The whole reason I'm working now is because I found myself in a situation that didn't sit well with me, ito not being employed.

MommaGee · 01/05/2017 13:46

*People in real like are too polite to say it to your face. They will be thinking it

Only the twats though, and who really gives a fuck what they think?

If you're judging friends or strangers for things that have nothing to do with you, harm no-one and make no difference to your life, you're a sad fucker with too much time and too little intelligence.
This ^

If people shouldn't think this are they allowed to "I told you so" when he ups and leaves. When you hit your 50s the kids have left and you have no life can we judge you then?
How about get a life and stop beingva judgey arse. If anyone husbands ups and leaves surely they deserve compassion and support. Your salary doesbt earn you empathy and respect from your loved ones, not bring an arsehole does

Nessie71 · 01/05/2017 13:51

My Mum (in her 70s) judging by some comments never showed me any work ethic? She was a stay at home parent had a couple of parttime jobs but i cannot remember her working for the last 25 years! As far as i know she was happy not to work and i loved that she was there when we got in from school and off on holidays..i did learn a work ethic off both my parents they were a team! My dad had nothing but ill health when he retired and we lost him...is that a told you so to my mum who didnt work. YOU make the choice for YOUR family...people who live in glass houses..

imjessie · 01/05/2017 13:54

I don't work and dc are at school . I think anyone who judges is jealous . I have a great life and see my children all the time . What's to be ashamed of ??!!

skerrywind · 01/05/2017 13:55

My kids tell me they loved me being a SAHM, Always hungry they would race along the road together on the way back from primary school, literally sniffing the air to see who was the first to guess what I had been cooking for dinner.
I loved spending so much time with them.

helpmesusan · 01/05/2017 13:57

Worst thread ever.

Bunch of grown women slagging off each other's life choices.

Shame on you.

All any of us can do is steer our way through our lives as best we can. We will all make different choices, at different times, for different reasons.

Please stop slagging each other off.

MaisyPops · 01/05/2017 13:58

That's lovely Skerry.

But it doesn't mean (like some are suggesting) that a SAHP is somehow better, which is what some are suggesting.

Many ways to be a great parent, SAHP or working.

Moussemoose · 01/05/2017 14:01

"How about get a life and stop beingva judgey arse" tbh there is a lot of judging going on on both sides. I do have a life, and a job and DC.

My point is that not having a job leaves you very vulnerable. Financially you are dependent on your DH. If you are left alone - for whatever reason - your earning power is reduced. When DC leave home many women - not all clearly - but many women feel adrift. DH has a job and a focus and you have memories.
I read thread after thread written by desperate women who lack financial autonomy and are treated like crap. Be a sahm no judgment about that but be aware there are massive risks involved.

KatharinaRosalie · 01/05/2017 14:01

I would have hated if my mum had been a SAHM. She would have been bored, unfulfilled and frustrated. She loves her career.

I also don't really agree that this means I should not have been born in the first place.

So in an ideal world, all parents should have the choice to set up their working and childcare arrangements the way it works best for them and their families.

Gini99 · 01/05/2017 14:13

the knackered parent with no time to themselves, a crap relationship with their partner and hardly seeing their dc

This kind of stuff is an absurd caricature. Lots of people (us included) work with enough flexibility about when and where they work to balance life well for the whole family. I went from SAHM to full-time and one evening my DD told me that she was worried that life would change when I was working. In fact I'd actually been working full-time for 6 months by that point and she hadn't noticed! That was because we'd organised our schedules so that we were there at pick-up, able to attend events and had lots of time together. It is perfectly possible to have a fulfilled career and to organise life so that you have lots of family time, a social life and a smooth running home. Sure some of that is luck (e.g. children without major medical needs) and some is planning (e.g. working towards a job with flexibility for senior staff) but lots of people manage it.

I have been a SAHM, part-time and full-time and all have worked well for our particular circumstances at that time. I generally start from the view that others understand the intricacies of their own families and life far better than I do and make decisions that work best for their family.

Aroundtheworldandback · 01/05/2017 14:16

I don't work as we don't need the money due to dh's salary and have not so far found something I'd enjoy enough to do for its own sake.

BUT I have a 19yo dd. She looks at my easy life and aspires to the same. Nothing I say to her makes any difference. I do beat myself up that I'm not a better role model.

HomityBabbityPie · 01/05/2017 14:18

Seriously, does it make people feel better to think of all WOHPs as frazzled, unable to devote time to their children and permanently unable to keep on top of things?

And does it make others feel better to think of SAHPs as lazy and unfulfilled, with an unhealthy investment in their DC?

Is it really so hard to imagine others might be happy with a different set up to your own?

GetAHaircutCarl · 01/05/2017 14:19

DH and I are rarely stressed or knackered.

And we're both happy to have work and family. Several years ago DH began taking a much more active role in all matters domestic and he's much happier for it.

Didn't prove problematic for his career either.

The balance suits us both.

Monkeyinshoes · 01/05/2017 14:24

I went back to work FT when DS1 was 10 months old. I liked my job, hated not seeing him much, but I had to work FT for financial reasons so I did what was right for us at the time.

A year later DS2 was born and I didn't go back after mat leave. Childcare costs would have been more than I earnt and, by this point, staying home was now an option and felt like the right thing for us at the time.

I was a SAHM for 6 years and started looking for work once my youngest started school. It's taken 18 months but I finally found the holy grail of term time only job within school hours. I was feeling guilty that DH had the stress of work and being the sole earner. So working again feels like the right thing to do at this time.

...and I think that's what it should come down to. Everyone should do what is right at the time for themselves, their family, their situation and that's something no one else can decide nor should judge.

Fab39ish · 01/05/2017 14:25

I wouldn't judge other people for their own choice. Although as a Sah I have on occasions felt judged by a particular relative.

Annahibiscuits · 01/05/2017 14:26

I do not want my daughter's to be reliant on a partners income. It makes them far too vulnerable. It's fantastic if your relationship stays good. It's catastrophic, if it doesn't. Too risky IMO

zeezeek · 01/05/2017 14:29

I wasn't being smug (whoever it was that accused me) just trying to point out that sometimes it's not the money that matters it is the fact that I wanted to do, and still want to do, something with my life that makes a difference. Just having kids isn't enough for some people. We want to change the world ourselves, not just do something that people have been doing ever since humans evolved on Earth.

Having children and bringing them up isn't work. Sorry, but it's not.

Cafecat · 01/05/2017 14:30

Could you imagine this kind of discussion on a predominantly male website? Grin A few men might come on and say they wished they had a bit more time with the kids. Most of them probably wouldn't grasp the "guilt" issue at all and the conversation would just turn into a competitive discussion about how much they earn etc.

GetAHaircutCarl · 01/05/2017 14:35

zee that's very much how I feel.

I mean my work doesn't change the world. Far from it. But it is something that I want to share on a wider level. It really matters to me that I do it and do it well.

That doesn't mean I don't value my family. But I do want both.