Page 26 | AIBU to have never felt degraded by the fact I don't earn "my own" income?

Incognit0 · 2017-04-30T18:58:26+00:00

I'm fairly new to MN, but recently have read a lot of threads which seem quite judgemental about women who do not work outside the home, particularly once the DC are at school. I have never come across this attitude in real life, so wonder if MN is an anomaly, or if I'm actually missing something?

HomityBabbityPie · 01/05/2017 12:23

Sarah's gone quiet I see.

OwlOfBrown · 01/05/2017 12:26

Minifingerz

I didn't say they were.

I absolutely applaud your ability to fit 20 hours activity into the 16 hours or so waking hours in a 24 hour day and still achieve a good quality of life and some chance to relax for yourself.

You are an example to us all.

No you didn't, but was there really a need for such a passive-aggressive snide response?

FWIW, I have a full-time job, do a substantial amount of volunteering, look after my elderly parents and feed my children properly. I also find plenty of time to spend doing fun stuff with my children and for me to spend socialising. That's just what I happen to do with my time. Others can spend their time as they please. I don't suggest that people are somehow lazy or inefficient if they seem to do less than I do, so please don't make snide comments about those who seem to do more. Live and let live.

Sallystyle · 01/05/2017 12:30

Do what you want for your family and what makes you all happy. It's fucking simple. Women can be women's worst enemies at times.

I was a SAHM for 16 years as well as a carer. I now work part time, soon to be full time. I am still a carer.

My choices are my own and I don't need to justify them, no one needs to justify theirs. The judgments on both sides are unneeded and it's a classic case of women tearing other women down. We all love our children, we all spend time 'making memories' (boak) we all do what works for us. I am not so sure we all love the soft rub of our children's toes though, I try not to go near my teens feet.

Be happy with your choices and leave other women the fuck alone to make their choices free of judgment. Men do not have to deal with this shit. Shame on women who contribute to the utter sexism instead of standing up for women. We don't need men tearing us down, women will do it for them.

Sleepyblueocean · 01/05/2017 12:30

Most people do what works best for them. It's no one else's business.

Ollycat · 01/05/2017 12:31

Why are women so judgy about each other?

I work part time (16 hours a week) and earn a fraction of what my dh earns. All the money is just family money - it's not his or mine - everything is in joint accounts. I don't feel subservient to him because I earn less. We both work hard to create the situation where our family can live the life we are. We are fortunate but have worked hard to achieve it.

Others have chosen differently to us and that's just fine.

Feminism has enabled women to have choices- why are people being nasty to others just because they have chosen differently?

user1489179512 · 01/05/2017 12:36

Gone quiet!? Sometimes people go quiet because they have a real life to get on with.

HomityBabbityPie · 01/05/2017 12:44

Feminism has enabled women to have choices

Boy I wish this were true.

Moussemoose · 01/05/2017 12:45

Perhaps everyone is off reading yet another thread from some poor OP whose husband has left her and she is broke, or a woman who wants to leave and can't cos she has no money.

I didn't work for a few years when my kids were very small and have never felt so vulnerable. My DP is loyal and steady but no income of my own scared the crap out of me.

MaisyPops · 01/05/2017 12:49

Perhaps everyone is off reading yet another thread from some poor OP whose husband has left her and she is broke, or a woman who wants to leave and can't cos she has no money.

That's certainly why my first reply was "I'd consider it if married but wouldn't if I wasn't married".
I think there's a lot for be said for financial security.

In terms of people making choices, I don't really mind or care. Just don't anyone tell me that they're are working harder than me because they stay at home. It's not a sodding competition. Make your decision and own it without stupidly suggesting your way is the best.

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 01/05/2017 12:49

Do what works for your family unit.

I've worked P/T, F/T and currently SAHM. I found that the financial benefits were outweighed by the time and energy that a F/T post took from me. I also found that nursery hours were easier on young children than breakfast club/ school/ after school club. My DCs were in childcare 50 hours a week, then being picked up minutes before closing time. I'd been on the go 12 hours by that point, and too tired to talk to them or prepare dinner when we got in and needed at least 30 minutes rest before I could face doing anything. When my contract expired, I felt that it was better on our family to have more time based at home. I get some alone time to refresh my sense of being, and my DCs now get much more time with me, and a more energetic me.

One day I'll return to the workplace. It may be a return to my career, it may not. It's quite a straightforward career to return to.

If our financial situation was different, then my goal posts on what work is beneficial would be different. DH works long hours and gets paid at a level that means we have financial stability. We have no family support. After outsourcing childcare, if we then outsource cleaning and gardening to claim back time, the financial gains that I contribute are gone.

Other people live between different goalposts and have different viable choices.

StarUtopia · 01/05/2017 12:52

Frankly, I think it's a terrible example to set your kids

I think it's a terrible example to set to your small children to dump them at a nursery at 7.30am and collect them tired at 6.30pm - and then put them straight to bed. What's the point in having kids?

What's terrible about looking after your own children?

user1493022461 · 01/05/2017 12:53

People in real like are too polite to say it to your face. They will be thinking it

Only the twats though, and who really gives a fuck what they think?

If you're judging friends or strangers for things that have nothing to do with you, harm no-one and make no difference to your life, you're a sad fucker with too much time and too little intelligence.

HomityBabbityPie · 01/05/2017 12:57

Star why do you have to respond to a nasty judgy comment with another nasty judgy comment? Makes you equally as bad.

NotOneThingButAnother · 01/05/2017 12:59

I work very part time, sometimes by choice sometimes I can't get work, I suppose I have a career to fall back on if that makes sense. Other than that I think if people are thinking about me, they think I am lucky to have a choice!!

Moussemoose · 01/05/2017 12:59

user1493022461

People in real like are too polite to say it to your face. They will be thinking it

If people shouldn't think this are they allowed to "I told you so" when he ups and leaves. When you hit your 50s the kids have left and you have no life can we judge you then?

TheExuberant1 · 01/05/2017 13:00

I couldn't give a toss what other people think. I am a SAHM and so are lots of my friends, we've all had big careers but have decided to be at home with our children. I don't worry about leaving myself in a vulnerable position, what with having insurance etc I have been with my husband for nearly 20 years so I have no concerns about separation!

I don't judge others who want to go back to work, I live my life without worrying about what others do in their life!

OwlOfBrown · 01/05/2017 13:05

StarUtopia

What's terrible about looking after your own children?

Nothing.

I think it's a terrible example to set to your small children to dump them at a nursery at 7.30am and collect them tired at 6.30pm - and then put them straight to bed. What's the point in having kids?

Tit for tat exchanging of insults is pathetic, childish, playground behaviour and does not reflect well on anyone. Responding to an insult by throwing one back doesn't make you look big or clever and is very unlikely to encourage the original 'insultor' to revise their opinion.

Original poster

Incognit0 · 01/05/2017 13:07

Are they allowed to "I told you so when he ups and leaves?" When you hit your 59s the kids have left and you have no life are we judge you then?

What are you on about Moose? Once my DC have left, I'm confident I have the imagination to find things to do thanks. DH will probably have retired by then and we'll embrace that chapter together. What will you be doing in your 50s?

OP posts:

Luttrell · 01/05/2017 13:09

SAHM and I get shit for it all the time. Only from women. Never had a man so much as bat an eyelid, they just ask what I used to do and about my plans to return, which I have, but women have said awful things.

I think it can depend on the area and local culture.

Bluntness100 · 01/05/2017 13:10

i am not so sure we all love the soft rub of our children's toes though, I try not to go near my teens feet

Bwahahahaha 😂 My 19 year old daughter is always after a foot massage. Probably because I used to to it when she was very little. She used to sit in her bouncy chair and stick her foot pointedly out at me and make a little grunting noise till I rubbed them. Now she still sticks them out and says "can you rub my feet" .they are lovely feet but I can be arsed less these days. My husband is more tolerant and will do it for ages. I'm like two mins in and bored already. It's clearly a symptom of being a working mum not wanting to rub her toes for ages. 😂

user1493022461 · 01/05/2017 13:11

If people shouldn't think this are they allowed to "I told you so" when he ups and leaves. When you hit your 50s the kids have left and you have no life can we judge you then?

If you're still that sad fucker with too much time and too little intelligence I guess you will spend your time judging no matter what anyone says, so fill your boots. I'd still rather be your fictional loser 50 year old than you though.

gillybeanz · 01/05/2017 13:21

I'm 50 and one of ours has left now, the other won't be long and the youngest boards.
I can assure you dh isn't going anywhere, we are as in love as the day we met 30 years ago. and as I said before, there are plenty of working mums I know whose lives completely changed when their dh up and left. In fact those with big mortgages are unlikely to be able to keep it on when they divorce. There are few who can buy the other out and keep the family home.
If your exdh looked after children when you worked there's extra childcare to find if it's available in your area for the hours you work.
It isn't just sahm who suffer after divorce.

Why is it assumed the 50 year old sahp would have no life
it's more likely they have a better life than the knackered parent with no time to themselves, a crap relationship with their partner and hardly seeing their dc.

papayasareyum · 01/05/2017 13:25

those posters who can't understand what sahms do when their school aged kids are at school all day, need to understand this: we never ever know what goes on behind closed doors. I work flexibly from home as one of my children has regular clinic and hospital appointments. Very few people know this. I've had a few enquiries from neighbours about what I "do all day" but they have no idea that I'm frequently taking her to and from these appointments. Add to this the fact that I'm studying for a vocational diploma(to add to the degree I finished when I was a sahm) and volunteering, I'm busier now than I ever was when I dropped the kids at breakfast club and holiday club! Far busier! You don't always know what's going on in a family.

Spikeyball · 01/05/2017 13:27

When I'm in my 50's (very soon) my child will still be living at home and will still be taking up lots of my time. As they will for the rest of my life.

Pinkjellybeans · 01/05/2017 13:27

I'm fortunate enough to be a sahm, when my ds1 was 1 I went back to work and my family (apart from dh) was 'ashamed' of me for working. They refused to help with child care and didn't talk to me about work. They would often say wouldn't you rather be at home with ds? So I quit. I used to feel very guilty every time I went to work. I'm so much more happier being at home with ds1 and now ds2 . I know I can always work in the future... although I don't plan on doing jobs that mean I cant be there for my dc on school holidays ect. I enjoy being around for my dc and am proud to be a sahm. I know if me and dh split up I could find a job if I had to. But I'd choose my dc anyday for aslong as I can.