AIBU to have never felt degraded by the fact I don't earn "my own" income?

[Incognit0]

I'm fairly new to MN, but recently have read a lot of threads which seem quite judgemental about women who do not work outside the home, particularly once the DC are at school. I have never come across this attitude in real life, so wonder if MN is an anomaly, or if I'm actually missing something?

HomityBabbityPie
Thank you. To me it is that simple.

Make either choice (and obviously circumstances may mean you have less choice if yhat makes sense) but don't waste time trying to suggest other people's choices are based in order to validate your own.

I was a SAHP for a couple of years til DS1 went to school and loved it. I now teach full time and love that, too.

If DH leaves or dies, we'd be fine. If I leave or die, he'd be fine. Neither of us resents the other's choices: my hours at school enable him to work away more, him owning the company means he can be more flexible than I am during term time if the DCs are unwell or have hospital appointments and MIL is incredible at helping out, too, so our situation works well for us.

I don't judge anyone who is a SAHM. It's a lovely situation to be in if you enjoy it. I'd love it. But I love teaching more, so continue to work. If I reached a point where it no longer made me happy I'd take a couple of years out and enjoy a break. There's no right or wrong when it comes to this area; it's whatever works for your family.

Unless someone directly judges your life choices,do you guys REALLY care this much about what other women do? It's bonkers!

Yes sure I'd get paid more but we don't need the money - my DH is the main earner. I work simply for my own enjoyment and to keep a foot on the career ladder.

So no for me I don't think there is a trade off here. My DS loves nursery too, he's really happy there.

Obviously my situation is really lucky and it could all change, I'm painfully aware of that.

Just catching up since yesterday evening
This is what I meant in my OP. I'm amazed that people have such strong views on this. In all the years I've been a SAHM, nobody has ever passed comment. It makes me wonder if I live in a bubble or something? As I said, many of my friends are in the same position so hardly surprising, but I'm also talking the ones that have managed to maintain stellar careers through multiple children. I don't judge them because I can see how they made it work - brilliant nannies who stick with them for years, DHs who were very hands on, family around to step in in emergencies, etc. I've watched their DC grow up alongside my own and they're all doing brilliantly, so who am I to judge anybody else?
Restless - when I gave up work, I did not give up "everything" I just gave up a job. I gained other things and a different perspective and fulfilment as a result. It's not for everyone, but it suited me, it suited DH and it suited our family.

Sarah do calm down. You are making ever more extreme statements and painting yourself into a corner.

I only know two SAHMs beyond school age in my social circle. Both, in my opinion, are waaaaaaay over-invested in their children. They have transferred their aspirations for themselves onto their children in an unhealthy way. That's sample of two anecdotes, make of that what you will.

Needsahalo - It's about time we started respecting each other's choices instead of being mean about it all

This thread has made me cry this morning. So much judgement. The issue is we don't all have choices. As a single parent I have to work. So in the eyes of so many, that means I am making choices that are bad for my children that Imdon't really care how they are brought up, that I am not prepared to make sacrifices, that Imchooise luxuries like. Ew cars and foreign holidays....seriously? Get a fucking grip with your judgements. I actually just want to give up. What's the

Im sorry - you are right - it is about time we respected each other's situations. I didn't mean to make you upset.

I wonder what view points we would get if there were more partners of SAHP were on this thread?

One of the reasons I loathe threads like this is that I seem to get shit both ways.

On one hand, I chose to go back to work at 6 months when I didn't need to and that makes me oh such a bad mother who doesn't want to spend every waking hour with DD.

On the other hand, DH, who is the SAHP (by choice), is obviously sponging off me by not contributing to the household. Ignoring the fact that him being at home means I don't have to worry about time off if she is sick or during the holidays and I don't have to do the housework.

Bollocks. We chose to have a working parent and a SAHP because it fits with our ideals/lifestyle and we were lucky enough to have that choice.

Anything to say about sarah's judgmental posts op?

I don't judge them because I can see how they made it work - brilliant nannies who stick with them for years, DHs who were very hands on, family around to step in in emergencies, etc.

This is how DH and I make our careers work. A good nanny and a good support network is essential for both of us.

Homity Then you have found the holy grail! And the best of luck to you!

Apologies if this point has already been made - I stopped reading at page 3 because I couldn't believe some of the vitriol on here and it was just too depressing.

Not all SAHMs planned to end up in this position. Some of us -foolishly, you might say - ended up in professional fields where the choice was to work 80 hours a week or not at all, because we didn't understand at 21 the full implications of the career choices we were making. I don't really know what the answer to that is. If someone had told me at 21 that I should choose something other than corporate law because it might affect my ability to see my children, I would have considered them to be appallingly sexist. I would be reluctant to tell my toddler DD that she should limit her career choices for this reason.

I am however always quite surprised at the direction of all this energy and scorn and visciousness - would it not be better for those who declare themselves to be horrified at SAHMs to redirect their energies into campaigning for/actively supporting legislative change to give people the right to work flexibly, such that they see their children awake at least once each day from Monday to Friday? As things stand, it seems to be easier for many of the "horrifieds" to blame the individuals whose flexible working requests were turned down, who found themselves faced with impossible choices and who had to choose the least bad of a selection of poor options, in their own particular family circumstances.

I have also had my eyes opened to a rather unpleasant branch of "feminism" since I resigned to SAH. It is astonishing that when one group of people (who each happened to have a penis) told women that they were too stupid to make their own decisions about their lives, we rightly called them out on it and declared that we were individuals with minds of our own and the right to self determination and that their behaviour was oppressive and out of order. I'm not sure why it is acceptable for another group to behave the same way, just because they happen to have a vagina. I don't feel that my right to self-determination changes when the gender of the person to whom I am speaking changes.

What do people do all day if they don't work and kids are at school.

DHs ex suggested as part of their divorce settlement (agreed amicably) that she wouldn't be able to work till the youngest was 11. I thought she had ideas above her station!

Dh was on £70k a year, which is good, don't get me wrong, but not I would have thought sufficient to keep a parent at home for 6 years till youngest went to secondary school!

Also - despite DP and I both working full-time we have no need for arranged child-care as we manage it between us around our hours. I think it's the insistence on pigeon-holing around this whole debate which I find frustrating.

We both work full-time, we both 'run the home' (whatever that means) between us, I also completed a part-time PhD whilst working full-time and raising a family. So yes, whilst I may raise an eyebrow privately at someone comparing running a household to running a business because that does not resonate with my own experience, I am not so lacking in empathy that I can't also recognise that, shock horror, we are all different. It's the pigeon-holing and insistence on putting women into these little boxes that gets on my nerves. I don't actually give a fuck what other people choose for their own lives/families because I am too busy with my own.

And, having said that: we are currently in a hotel at the sea, it's bank holiday and I am off to 'make memories' (another phrase I can't fucking stand) or you know, just have a nice day with my children...

I think it's a really sad world we live in where women judge other women. Is this really what it has come down too? I'm shocked and fairly disgusted that a woman's choice to work or not has another group of women judging and criticising her. It affects no one but that family. It's their lives, their choices. Staying at home with your children does not set a bad example to them. Neither parent working through choice, having no aspirations to work and shoplifting. That's a bad example. Hitting your child and mentally abusing them. That's terrible. Working and leaving your child in childcare is great. Abandoning your child on the streets for days. Bad parenting. Let's all get a little perspective and, like the breastfeeding/formula feeding maybe if we support each other poor mental Heath wouldn't be so prevailing!!!

Iv seen nothing but insults towards sahp on this thread

I think uou need to read the thread again, specifically your own posts. Yes there has been a few judgemental posts on stay at home mums, as there was on working mums, but most posts were balanced and well thought through,,there has been nothing , and I mean nothing, in comparison to the sheer avalanche of deeply offensive vitriol you have repeatedly and bitterly poured on working mothers inc your own sister.

What do people do all day if they don't work and kids are at school.

Easy. I work 15 hours a week. My youngest is 16.

I to to the gym most days, I potter in the garden, walk, take photographs, meet friends, cook nice food.

The whole thing is so frustrating. WHY do some people feel the need to judge?

Luckily amongst the depressing threads on here there are loads of posters saying that same thing.

I've only been in the last few pages, but not seen this judgement being talked about.

I said it was risky. Which it is. I've always tried to avoid the 'all the eggs in one basket' situation where it comes to earning, because life can change so quickly, so what goes through my head when I see someone dedicating themselves to being a SAHP is just that. That it's a brave decision, and not one that I would make myself.

Haven't read the entire thread because it's the same old offensive comments being bandied about.
But OP you are incredibly naive if you hold a 100% believe that financially, you will be as well off as you are now after a divorce.
You may receive an equal share of equity, pensions etc at the point of separation but your husband would then only be legally obliged to pay you 15%of his income for maintenance for one child, with another 5% for each subsequent child. If he goes on to have other children, or resident step children, that amount will reduce even more. Don't assume that he will do the 'right thing' by you financially if you do split and you may end up with legal bills running into thousands in order to get your share. Child maintenance only lasts until a child is 19 ( and may end long before that if they leave school) Spousal maintenance is rare.

Hopefully you will never find yourself in this situation but it's worth seeking independent financial advice now to ensure you are not left vulnerable in the worse case scenario. Do you and your husband have adequate life insurance for example? If he had an accident tomorrow, would the bills be paid?

Lets just agree parenting is hard no matter if you choose to work or stay at home! I work lunch times and evenings in my childs school the pay is shit but it goes towards some of the bills and i get the holidays off and to be honest i have never really thought about if he died or left me.

People will judge, its human nature. However you can choose not to let judgement bother you.
What I mean by that is you have to decide which opinions matter to you and which don't.

Whether your situation is through choice or necessity, ultimately it is what is right for your family and it's perfectly fine to have an each to their own attitude. You don't have to justify yourself and you don't have to pick apart someone else's lifestyle in order to gather evidence as to why yours is ok/better etc.
My family set up works perfectly for us now and what we want long term. I know full well that not everyone would think it's for them. That's ok. On the occasions I've met comments I simply say it's working for us and change the subject.

Lello - I understand what you're saying and I probably am naive as to the details of the law re- spousal maintenance if I'm honest because I've never looked into it. However, I wouldn't be relying on that anyway.
Yes he has a will and life insurance!

This is an interesting debate as it's the position I'll find myself in later this year - I did go back to work part time after having DC1, but it was a juggle for us, and DH's career options were limited by having to do the pick up from childcare (I did the morning run).

After DC2, we realised I'd make a loss compared to childcare for 2 (one wrap around, one needing all day) and the train costs, so I became a SAHM with the intention of going back to work when DC2 started school - which is this September.

However, since then DH has changed jobs, he's now doing longer hours in a role that will be harder for him to take time off at short notice. He's only been able to take that job because I'm a SAHM, the pay rise is double what I was earning before, so as a family, we're better off than us both working - but the end result is that its now going to be harder for me to work at a profit, I need to earn a higher wage to cover increased childcare costs or have shorter hours to do all the drop off/pick up myself (and cover holidays/sick days).

And I know lots of people will parrot the "childcare costs are half his to pay too" but we pool income so it is the still the case my working would leave us worse off in many jobs I've looked at recently compared to being a SAHM long term.

It's not something I planned for, odd to find myself in this position.