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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have never felt degraded by the fact I don't earn "my own" income?

999 replies

Incognit0 · 30/04/2017 19:58

I'm fairly new to MN, but recently have read a lot of threads which seem quite judgemental about women who do not work outside the home, particularly once the DC are at school. I have never come across this attitude in real life, so wonder if MN is an anomaly, or if I'm actually missing something?

OP posts:
HomityBabbityPie · 01/05/2017 08:34

Excellent post maisy, that's the crux of it.

Not sure why there are so many on both sides who are so desperate to insist the other side is doing it wrong.

ChocChocPorridge · 01/05/2017 08:35

Chocchoc I said a parent. You know the people that created that child or adopted them

What's so magical about a parent? I mean, it's not biological relation, since you're discounting grandparents, but including adopted parents - why is one continuous care provider sad, but another not sad, just because that second carer has the label 'parent'?

SemiNormal · 01/05/2017 08:36

no I'm not 'vile' I'm retaliating to some comments from stuck up people on here who have given sahp a hard time. - and in doing so you're insulting a massive group of working women at the same time. In my opinion it is vile to suggest that those who work have no time for their children or love them any less than someone who is a SAHP. Even if, shock, horror, they have chosen to work.

Only1scoop · 01/05/2017 08:36

'some comments from stuck up people on here' Eh? Grin

sarahmum27 · 01/05/2017 08:37

Homity it's a valid point because you're all saying that you either don't have a choice or you'd prefer to work etc. But I was curious to know what decisions you'd make in regards to a situation like that.
If you have a disabled child, they might go to school but someone has to care for them when they get back from their sn school. There's no after school clubs or daycare for them.

HomityBabbityPie · 01/05/2017 08:37

no I'm not 'vile' I'm retaliating to some comments from stuck up people on here who have given sahp a hard time

You couldn't do that without being judgy to working mothers?

See Maisy's post. She defended SAHPs without resorting to being insulting.

sarahmum27 · 01/05/2017 08:37

Semi everyone's allowed an opinion, you've made yours clear.

Bluntness100 · 01/05/2017 08:38

This is so bad, I want to look away but I keep watching it get worse and worse in a sort of fascinated horror. I've never seen anyone repeatedly attack women in this deeply offensive manner. It's just shocking and very sad indeed.

HomityBabbityPie · 01/05/2017 08:38

Ok, if I had a disabled child I'd stay at home. But I don't, so it's irrelevant.

Now answer my question. What about those of us who enjoy both being with our children and working?

Mermaid36 · 01/05/2017 08:38

I'm a new SAHM and it's sort of not by choice:

  1. My workplace refused my flexible working request and offered me a working pattern that I can't do because of childcare costs.
  1. I have twins, so full time childcare costs more than I would earn a month.
  1. One of my twins now has some health problems that mean currently no childcare provider will look after her until certain things have resolved. We have no real time frame for this, so going back to work isn't currently an option.
  1. My husband often works out of the country, so cannot take on childcare responsibilities

I was genuinely ready to go back to work (albeit part time) but the above factors mean that currently it's not possible. It might not be possible until the twins are at school. I'd hate to think I was being judged on something that I have little or no control over!

Only1scoop · 01/05/2017 08:39

Oh Sarah I see you are getting shot down on a relationship thread I just posted on for your rather erm grim advice....
I'm sure your day will improve when the days 'adventures' begin.


Disappointednomore · 01/05/2017 08:39

I preferred to work than look after my DD all day. I'm sure I was judged for it. I was spurred on by the example of my mother's poverty whilst she brought us up single handed on benefits. Fast forward to XH's midlife crisis and personality change he has waltzed off into the sunset with OW but guess what? DD and I are fine because I have my own income. Who's judging now?

ChocChocPorridge · 01/05/2017 08:39

I'm the sibling of a disabled child. You'd probably think our family awful because they went to a boarding school between the ages of 6 and 11 and only came home every other weekend and holidays... Did them the world of good - therapy that they just couldn't get if they'd stayed at home with mum or dad. They still feel loved, we still love them, they're still part of the family.

sarahmum27 · 01/05/2017 08:40

Iv seen nothing but insults towards sahp on this thread, from questioning their boredom, to questioning if they feel guilty for not helping with finances.
The role of being a sahp is massively undermined in today's society.

NataliaOsipova · 01/05/2017 08:40

What's so magical about a parent?

That's a bloody good question Choc. I'm coming at it from the opposite side, as my gut feel is that there is something different ("magical" if you want to use that terminology) about a parent, but I can't articulate exactly why or what that is. Food for thought.....

Guitargirl · 01/05/2017 08:40

sarahmum - I was one of the posters who said towards the beginning of the thread that being a SAHM is not for me. I also said that I do not judge SAHMs and that what anyone else does is none of my business.

I am not keen on the insistence at putting people into boxes. I work full-time, as does DP. We both work flexibly and I work from home a lot. This means that despite working full-time I also do the school drop off every day and pick up 3 times a week. I go to all school assemblies, cake sales, 'have lunch with my child day', 'learn maths with my child day', do regular play dates, sleepovers and have certainly never asked someone else to arrange a birthday party for one of my children Confused.

GetAHaircutCarl · 01/05/2017 08:40

My DH is a lawyer. City. Very senior.

How, where or when he works is of no interest to anyone. He works from home a lot. He organises his diary to suit the family ( for the most part).

We've never used child care.

twelly · 01/05/2017 08:41

It is interesting how the focus has changed, 15 years ago it was the mothers who undertook paid work full time who felt they needed to justify their choice, it now seems it is the mothers who stay at home who feel they needs to justify their choice. Surely both decisions are fine but dependant on the family circumstance. However, criticising another persons choice which does not impact on anyone outside the family in a personal way is I believe wrong, if a family can afford for a parent to stay at home that is their prerogative .

HomityBabbityPie · 01/05/2017 08:41

Iv seen nothing but insults towards sahp on this thread, from questioning their boredom, to questioning if they feel guilty for not helping with finances.

Yet you've said working women don't like their children. You don't get much more insulting than that.

I haven't insulted SAHPs.

sarahmum27 · 01/05/2017 08:42

Chocchoc no having a disabled child is hard and sometimes it is best for them to be with people that can care for them properly.

Only1scoop · 01/05/2017 08:42

The SAHM friends I have would cringe at your posting Sarah they really would.

RoseGoldProsecco · 01/05/2017 08:43

Hahahaha Sarah, you have literally no idea what I do. You have no idea if I have kids or not; if I work or not.

But you certainly aren't spending all that quality time with yours when you're busy judging away on the internet Grin

Maybe you could have had a bigger house if you could be bothered to work. Maybe your grandparents are lying to you because they don't want to be seen as a a burden and you've swallowed that as the easy option because you don't love them enough.

See what utter bollocks that is? so easy to judge a stranger and not nice at all, is it? Try thinking outside your narrow minded desperate to justify your position box for a change. It might surprise you.

SemiNormal · 01/05/2017 08:43

I'd hate to think I was being judged on something that I have little or no control over! - I think this is the crux of it. Most of us have little/no control over whether we work or not. Some of us HAVE to work, other HAVE to stay at home. I imagine the amount of people for who those are genuine choices are fairly small - but those who can choose, I'm sure, make the choice that is best for them and their families based on factors none of us are privy too.
To claim some people love their kids less because they opt to work is horrible, likewise saying that SAHP are setting a bad example is unfair too. We're all just doing what we think is best for our own children and families surely.

NataliaOsipova · 01/05/2017 08:44

I work 2 days a week. No trade offs for me, I have an excellent balance.

Homity that's great. But it is a trade off, surely? In some way or other? If you worked full time you'd be paid more, for example. Not saying you're not happy with the balance - you've found a situation which works for you.

Writerwannabe83 · 01/05/2017 08:45

This issue is so complex.

I went back to work when DS was 10 months old and I was so ready for it. I work in a profession that I trained for and I loved my job. I missed doing something that felt worthwhile, I felt like I needed some kind of purpose outside of just being "mum" and being nothing but carer/homemaker was grinding me down.

Plus, I had to go back to work as my wage is 50% of our total income and we couldn't afford to live on DH's wage alone.

However....

If I had been in a job I wasn't particularly bothered about or didn't enjoy and my DH's wage was big enough to enable me to be a SAHM then I probably would have done it because life would obviously have been much easier.