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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have never felt degraded by the fact I don't earn "my own" income?

999 replies

Incognit0 · 30/04/2017 19:58

I'm fairly new to MN, but recently have read a lot of threads which seem quite judgemental about women who do not work outside the home, particularly once the DC are at school. I have never come across this attitude in real life, so wonder if MN is an anomaly, or if I'm actually missing something?

OP posts:
ChocChocPorridge · 01/05/2017 08:23

Jesus Christ it doesn't matter which one of you stays home.

Ah, right, OK, so it's terribly sad if one of the parents doesn't stay home.

So a nanny would be fine, a grandparent would be fine, a key worker in a nursery would be fine - so... sounds like it's fine then to put a baby in a nursery? It would just make you sad to be away from your baby all day.

Fair enough. Your risk to take, away you go.

SemiNormal · 01/05/2017 08:24

I must be serial killer style evil. I have always worked because I want to. No need whatsoever. - Absolutely disgusting attitude, shame on you. I suggest you quit right now and go rub your childrens toes before they see you for the monster you are! Grin

Bluntness100 · 01/05/2017 08:24

Sarah, what is making you lash out at working women like this? Saying people don't want to be with their children, that there babies make them vomit, that the children are effectively traumatised, that they miss out on all the important bits, that they make no memories, that their lives are sad, you're saying some terrible stuff which only reflects on you not working mums.

Something is clearly very wrong as you're lashing out and attacking is not normal.

sarahmum27 · 01/05/2017 08:24

Homity I don't think you can honestly say toy give each aspect of your life 100% it's just not possible.
What would you do if you had a disabled child? What would you do with your 'choice' then?

RoseGoldProsecco · 01/05/2017 08:25

Yes Sarah, sticking them in a home and making them pay for it from their pensions - you must do an awful lot for them, it sure sounds that way.

Keep telling yourself how great your choices are as you criticise other parents though....!!

HomityBabbityPie · 01/05/2017 08:26

I haven't got a disabled child and therefore have no idea how I'd feel if I did so your question is irrelevant Confused

Yes it is possible to enjoy both aspects of my life. I enjoy being with my son and I enjoy working. Sorry if that doesn't tally with your narrow view of parenthood.

GetAHaircutCarl · 01/05/2017 08:26

semi actually I did look at my DS toe yesterday.

It is black and rotting. Footie has killed it.

sarahmum27 · 01/05/2017 08:26

Chocchoc I said a parent. You know the people that created that child or adopted them.

Only1scoop · 01/05/2017 08:27

Get....
When you should be 'pouring love' and having ADV EN CHURES....
Shame on you....

sarahmum27 · 01/05/2017 08:28

Homity well think yourself lucky that you don't, if you did then you'd have to make that sacrifice.

harshbuttrue1980 · 01/05/2017 08:28

I don't judge when the children are little, but I don't understand women who don't go back to work when the children are in school. One of the Mumsnet mantras (which I agree with) is that husband and wife should have roughly equal time to themselves. It doesn't seem fair that the wife can sit around at home when the children are at school while the husband is at work. Housework doesn't take that long to do, so the wife has far more free time. The balance of stress should be on both partners equally, not one person getting off scott free just because they are a woman.

HomityBabbityPie · 01/05/2017 08:29

Lol, you literally have no coherent argument and you still haven't answered my question.

HomityBabbityPie · 01/05/2017 08:29

Oh look, harsh has come to be a complete misognyst from the other side of the divide!!

sarahmum27 · 01/05/2017 08:30

Rosegoldprosecco they live 50 miles away, I have a 3 bed not a mansion. My grandfather has Alzheimer's and my grandmother is stubborn. It's what they wanted.
Besides you're hardly one to judge since you don't appear to have time for anyone, not even your own children.

Bluntness100 · 01/05/2017 08:30

Homity well think yourself lucky that you don't, if you did then you'd have to make that sacrifice

This is like a car crash. Was someone really just told to think themselves lucky they don't have a disabled child. I can't even express how appaling a thing that is to write 😔

NataliaOsipova · 01/05/2017 08:31

Most of us like being with our babies and we like working.

I'll attempt to answer this without being goady. In your position? Therein lies the rub. Because you are then faced with a genuine choice of two things which can't be done at the same time (if you're at work, you can't also be physically looking after your baby). So it's a trade off.

I think it's a trade off for everybody, in almost all situations. I'm at one extreme. I didn't want my children to be looked after by anyone else....but I then had to squander my economic potential. I know a lady at the other extreme - she's a partner in a City law firm who probably sees her kids awake for 10 hours a week on average. People made their own choices based on their own - unique - circumstances and there are pros and cons of those choices, almost whatever ones are made.

RebelRogue · 01/05/2017 08:31

Sarah actually quite a few women with PND improve by going back to work,regaining their identity etc. It's not the baby making them miserable is the PND.
You seem very black and white. As long as you love and care for your child(be it yourself or find adequate care) it doesn't matter one shit if you're a SAHM,working mum, part time working mum,volunteering mum and whatever other combination.
Whatever works.

SemiNormal · 01/05/2017 08:32

Besides you're hardly one to judge since you don't appear to have time for anyone, not even your own children. - Dear God you really are that vile aren't you?

HomityBabbityPie · 01/05/2017 08:32

natalia

I work 2 days a week. No trade offs for me, I have an excellent balance.

sarahmum27 · 01/05/2017 08:32

Bluntness how is that 'appalling' I have a disabled child, and thank god she didn't have to contend with mums career.

shesnotme · 01/05/2017 08:33

Why would anyone care?

MaisyPops · 01/05/2017 08:33

Well this got heated between last night and this morning. Grin

To me it's simple:

  1. SAHP because you really want to and can afford to
  2. SAHP because it's not worth the cost of childcare going back k to work
  3. Work FT/PT because you WANT TO
  4. Work FT/PTA because you NEED TO and couldn't afford not to

It really doesn't matter which you do! Neither is a better role model than others. Neither is more of a parent.

Ideally, the SAHP (mam or dad) would be financially secure for the future but that's not always possible.

The only thing I get annoyed at is a subgroup of SAHP who do the "I'm a full time mammy and unlike working people I don't get a break. I'm always at work" blah blah blah. But that's an attitude that annoys me, not a SAHP/Work decision.

HomityBabbityPie · 01/05/2017 08:33

Yes but your point isn't relevant when you're talking about someone who hasn't got a disabled child. Confused

sarahmum27 · 01/05/2017 08:34

Semi no I'm not 'vile' I'm retaliating to some comments from stuck up people on here who have given sahp a hard time.

BoboChic · 01/05/2017 08:34

I'm not sure why "free time" requires an even split in a couple. People need very different activities in order to relax and one person's "free time" is another person's "contribution to family life". The more "free time" I have for cooking and decorating the better. My whole family benefits. Please don't allocate me any "free time" for going to the gym or playing tennis - but those things are critical to my DP's well-being, which benefits the whole family.