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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have never felt degraded by the fact I don't earn "my own" income?

999 replies

Incognit0 · 30/04/2017 19:58

I'm fairly new to MN, but recently have read a lot of threads which seem quite judgemental about women who do not work outside the home, particularly once the DC are at school. I have never come across this attitude in real life, so wonder if MN is an anomaly, or if I'm actually missing something?

OP posts:
HomityBabbityPie · 01/05/2017 08:02

Sarah well what is it then? Is it terribly sad or is it fine if it works for the family? Make your mind up love Hmm

RoseGoldProsecco · 01/05/2017 08:02

Sarah - sure, and every passive aggressive working mum bashing judgeypants post you make shows just how happy you are with that choice Wink !

i didn't say ALL parents feel that way. I said that it "can" be like that. You have no idea what someone else is going through or why they made their choices or why they feel that way about them. But judging other people's choices is not supportive and it's not helpful and it's not good for girls and boys who are growing up and will have to make the same choices.

I could judge your choices. I could say, whilst you're so busy making memories with your kids' toes, you're being a pretty shitty granddaughter not helping out with caring for your grandparents. if you got a job, perhaps you could do something for them.

Which would be utter unfair bollocks, of course. I don't know the first thing about you or what you do for them. It's just an illustration. But it is how some posts on this thread come across.

Only1scoop · 01/05/2017 08:04

Come on Let's 'pour love' allSmile

NataliaOsipova · 01/05/2017 08:05

There really should be no shame in saying you want to work.

Of course not - if your children are well cared for. In the same way as there should be no shame in saying you don't want to work - if your finances allow.

It's the sweeping judgements that get me on these sorts of threads. People so obviously have vastly different lives: different family set ups, different educational backgrounds, different financial situations etc etc. Who on earth would be arrogant enough to judge what a stranger does without any knowledge of all those things and more?

GetAHaircutCarl · 01/05/2017 08:05

I must admit that during any period when I haven't earned money, I've loathed it.

Not because we didn't have enough ( DH earns silly money) or because he isn't generous ( I have full access to all family mobey ) but because it just didn't sit right with me.

The don't judge anyone who feels differently though. Why would I? And if they judge me, well let them. My DC are happy, successful, resilient almost-adults. Proof of the pudding and all that...

sarahmum27 · 01/05/2017 08:09

Rosegoldprosecco ah see that's the thing, because I don't work I get to help my grandparents too.
Sorry your kids toes make you vomit.
I'm happy with my life, not quite so sure you're happy with yours Confused

HomityBabbityPie · 01/05/2017 08:09

natalia

I agree. I've said numerous times on this thread I make no judgment about women who choose to stay at home.

ChocChocPorridge · 01/05/2017 08:13

Homity well I think that's terribly sad that someone would rather go to work full time then spend time with their baby, and that their baby would make them that miserable.

Gracious, what on earth opinion must you hold of men then!

Come to that, what about when you have a second kid, and one of them has to take a back seat to the other occasionally? What about if I go out for the day and leave them with their father? Or Grandparents?

Most people don't spend every waking hour dedicated to their baby, they do leave them occasionally, and it's not because the baby makes them miserable, it's because they have other things to do.

sarahmum27 · 01/05/2017 08:14

Homity of course it's sad if someone doesn't like to spend time with their baby and care for them. Isn't that common sense Hmm
I find some of the 'looking after my children all...no thanks not for me' comments very degrading to their own children.

Maybe it's my experiences of working in childcare and having to deal with all the emotional upset, that's gotten to me.
I just wouldn't want to do it to my children just yet, that's all.

HomityBabbityPie · 01/05/2017 08:15

of course it's sad if someone doesn't like to spend time with their baby and care for them

But why do you assume that's how working mothers feel Confused

I love spending time with my baby and caring for him.

I just don't want that to be the only thing in my life as I also love my job.

sarahmum27 · 01/05/2017 08:15

Chochoc big difference between putting baby down for a nap so you can make dinner, then spending 10 hours away from them and only seeing them at breakfast and bedtime.

HomityBabbityPie · 01/05/2017 08:16

looking after my children all...no thanks not for me

No one has said that Hmm

SemiNormal · 01/05/2017 08:16

I'm an evil mum who sticks my son in childcare just so I can go to University and eventually to work. Of course I should give this up so I can sit at home rubbing his toes because how will he know I love him otherwise?! Confused

As for going out to work being a choice .... hardly! I could have been a SAHM for a good few years yet but that would have meant staying with a violent and abusive partner. I know which option is the best for my child thanks so don't try and make me feel shit about my life choices you judgemental cunts.

sarahmum27 · 01/05/2017 08:17

Homity I didn't say that's how all mothers feel? I know that there are a lot of mums who would much rather be with their babies then go to work but have no choice. There're not the ones I'm talking about.

HomityBabbityPie · 01/05/2017 08:17

Ah no semi, you are deemed acceptable in Sarah's eyes as you are a lone parents. It's the evil women who don't have to work but want to who are the villains here.

ChocChocPorridge · 01/05/2017 08:18

Chochoc big difference between putting baby down for a nap so you can make dinner, then spending 10 hours away from them and only seeing them at breakfast and bedtime.

But is it terribly sad if I go out to work and DP stays home? Is it terribly sad if I leave them for 10 hours with their grandparents?

Why is it terribly sad for a woman to go out to work but not for a man? Is it terribly sad to leave them with their grandparents for a day?

When does it not become terribly sad to leave a child with someone else for a few hours?

KatharinaRosalie · 01/05/2017 08:18

There is a minor, tiny difference between statements 'I want to do other things besides taking care of the baby' and 'I don't like my baby'

sarahmum27 · 01/05/2017 08:18

Homity a fair few have said similar if not that exact same thing earlier on in the thread, and on other threads and in real life.

HomityBabbityPie · 01/05/2017 08:19

Yes sarah, and I'm talking about women who enjoy being with their baby but also enjoy work. What's your opinion on them?

You seem to think working mothers either desperately want to stay at home but HAVE to work, or want to work as they hate being with their baby.

Most of us like being with our babies and we like working. What's your opinion on us?

Only1scoop · 01/05/2017 08:20

Homity do you really honestly care?Wink

JustPoppingIn · 01/05/2017 08:20

Sarah: Working Dad's only see their kids for an hour or so in the morning or evening.

Can't you see past your own experiences to see that other families operate differently to yours? And that is fine.

sarahmum27 · 01/05/2017 08:20

Jesus Christ it doesn't matter which one of you stays home.

HomityBabbityPie · 01/05/2017 08:21

Ignoring the question I see Grin

SemiNormal · 01/05/2017 08:21

a fair few have said similar if not that exact same thing earlier on in the thread, and on other threads and in real life - I don't think you know anything about real life Sarah. Perhaps you should go out and work, it might make you more understanding of the way other people live. You sound very insular.

GetAHaircutCarl · 01/05/2017 08:22

I must be serial killer style evil. I have always worked because I want to. No need whatsoever.

And I spend my pretty green on all manner of fripperies Grin.