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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have never felt degraded by the fact I don't earn "my own" income?

999 replies

Incognit0 · 30/04/2017 19:58

I'm fairly new to MN, but recently have read a lot of threads which seem quite judgemental about women who do not work outside the home, particularly once the DC are at school. I have never come across this attitude in real life, so wonder if MN is an anomaly, or if I'm actually missing something?

OP posts:
MistressPage · 01/05/2017 07:15

What skerrywind said. The value and contribution to society of a loving home environment for preschoolers rather than being in care cannot be underestimated.

My lifestyle as SAHM to a 2 yr old involves very little 'sitting at home' Lol to that! We have such adventures and I love it. I spend every day pouring love and attention into her and I love our life. I appreciate I'm very lucky to be able to do it but you cut your cloth accordingly (old cars/ uk hols etc)

skerrywind · 01/05/2017 07:20

Exactly.

I want my kids to be raised in a loving environment. Day care however good cannot replicate those hundred loving things we do with our children every day. When I kiss their forehead as I strap them into their car seat, that little hug as I carry them upstairs, the soft rub of their toes.
Some things can't be measured by money.

And yes to adventures! Hardly sitting about at home.

StealthPolarBear · 01/05/2017 07:26

Without wanting t be a cliché, I kiss my children's heads, rub their toes, read them stories, treat their verrucas. Ok that last one is not such a joy.

Bluntness100 · 01/05/2017 07:26

I can confidently say that most children would prefer to have a parents care for them, then paid childcare or grandparents, aunties etc

That's far from the truth, many kids love nursery or being with other kids at a childminders they love the socialisation and being with a doting grandparent or auntie is also something many of them love and can have huge benefits for all concerned.

I think we all understand you're feeling hugely defensive about not working, but you can't make stuff up like kids don't want to be with anyone other than a parent or running a home is as complex as running a business. Accept your choice is the right one for your family, but please stop casting judgement on other families and making sweeping statements about what most children want.

sarahmum27 · 01/05/2017 07:28

Yes! I love the fact that during the holidays me and my girls go on adventures, we eat fish and chips on the beach, go for treks through the new forest and have picnics.
We make sacrifices for having only 1 income like primark clothes and hand me downs (not there's anything wrong with that!)
My sister works full time and spends the vast majority of her salary kitting her kids out in designer clothes, yet never takes them out or creates any memories for them. Her working all seems a bit pointless to me?.

Only1scoop · 01/05/2017 07:28

'I spend every day pouring love and attention into her' I'm being immature but that made me slightly vomitus.

Spikeyball · 01/05/2017 07:29

I don't work because it is best for my son and so because of the level of his needs, best for my family as a whole.
Tomorrow I won't be sitting doing nothing. I'll be devoting time to sorting out his educational provision.
If I did need to work again, because of nature of my previous profession, I would get a job fairly easily.

Only1scoop · 01/05/2017 07:30

'the soft rub of their toes'
Oh Lordy it's getting worse....

skerrywind · 01/05/2017 07:31

Oh Lordy it's getting worse....

Hit a nerve have we?

Only1scoop · 01/05/2017 07:31
Grin
sarahmum27 · 01/05/2017 07:33

Bluntness my children go to school and nursery, they visit grandparents and spend time with relatives. There not with me all the time.
But when a child has to be passed from one person to the next, stuck in childcare when other kids are out having fun and making memories, you just can't compare it.

I look after my nieces and nephews frequently and they hate the fact that their Mum is always at work and then out at the weekend with friends. They don't have as a good a relationship with their mother and my children do with me.

I'm not being defensive, I'm just telling he truth.
I think that a lot of working mums like to say the cliche things about how day care is good for their 'socialising' but it's all a great big lie they tell themselves to make themselves feel better.

Bluntness100 · 01/05/2017 07:35

My sister works full time and spends the vast majority of her salary kitting her kids out in designer clothes, yet never takes them out or creates any memories for them. Her working all seems a bit pointless to me?

You're so horribly judgemental and it sounds like you're jealous. Plenty of working parents create memories for their kids, they go to the beach,eat fish and chips, go for treks, working doesn't prevent this is just makes you organise your time better. Working does not equate to neglect irrelevant of just how terrible a parent you think your sister is in comparison to you.

And yes, to the other poster, working doesn't mean you don't kiss your kids or rub their toes what a bizzare thing to write.

Only1scoop · 01/05/2017 07:36

Although I had 18 months off fully paid after dd was born and returned part time on average 3 days a month in a job I love out of choice not money necessity....

It does make me sadly agree with a pp. we'd have little in common.

Op doesn't sound quite as nauseating though.

Rudymentary · 01/05/2017 07:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 01/05/2017 07:39

I would worry about
Pensions and having the ability to support yourself should something happen .

My male DP doesn't work and we had been having words as (a) 23 are skint but (b) we have no pension

skerrywind · 01/05/2017 07:39

sarahmum27

I agree. All this "socialising" stuff.
When my kids were pre school not a day passed without social interaction.
A small rural community, with lots of SAHMs there was a constant stream of kids popping in and out to play, most days too we had toddler group or playgroup, picnics, large park on our doorstep. I would have to pop my head in to see how many extra kids there were for dinner, sometime just my two, more often than not 3 or 5 or eleven.
Happy times.

sarahmum27 · 01/05/2017 07:39

Bluntness so are you sweetheart Biscuit

Bluntness100 · 01/05/2017 07:41

Appears I hit the nail on the head then...🤔

NataliaOsipova · 01/05/2017 07:41

"If one partner in a relationship earns enough to cover the cost of living and the other chooses not to work or go back to work after child bearing, i still think it's wrong for the none working parent to not go back to work"

Well, my children don't, so I can live with the fact that some random person on the Internet thinks so.

Only1scoop · 01/05/2017 07:42

Quite Grin

Mumoftheark · 01/05/2017 07:42

I never thought I would be a SAHM I was always a workaholic & after my first I was back in work a few days a week pretty much immediately. Luckily for me I was able to bring the baby in and my mum could have him in a different room so it was perfect.
However 4 months later my company went into administration and closed down. At first I panicked and started thinking about work etc. Then I decided to take a little break. My son is now 5 DC2 is 3 and I have one on the way and have not worked since. I don't feel degraded in anyway, and definitely don't feel unfulfilled. I absolutely love being a mum, & I would be heartbroken to have to miss a little nursery show or school assembly. Before getting pregnant I was starting to think about working outside the home again but actually it's really quite hard to find something that fits into the school runs, & for me it's really important to be able to do the drop off and pick up.
I started my own small business a year ago. It doesn't bring in loads of extra money at the moment but it has the potential to grow. For me that's the perfect balance as I can completely do it around my children.
My husband works away Monday-Friday and at times for longer periods. My children already have one parent they hardly see, I don't want them to have two.
My husband couldn't do the job he does without me, & I couldn't stay with our children without him. We both have different but just as important roles to make our family work.

At the age mine are at now they want me at home, and at their little things that they do.
I don't think any child would choose for their mum to be at work. However as they get older I don't think they thank you either way lol. We are primarily talking about women here, I know a lot of SAHDs as well & I think generally they get more judgement than us mums.
There's no right or wrong you just have to find what is right for your family.

RoseGoldProsecco · 01/05/2017 07:43

What horrible insidious posts there are on this thread Sad

Shame on every poster who has felt the need to justify their position with sneaky digs at the other.

Being at home with young children can be amazing but it can also be exhausting, relentless, tedious and frustrating, and isolating in a way that someone who is surrounded by adults all day simply cannot understand. Being at work is challenging and stimulating but you can also feel exhausted, guilty, disappointed at missing out, and constantly pulled in two or more directions between work and home in a way that someone who is childfree or who has given up work simply cannot understand.

Making sneaky digs at either choice is not supportive. You've made your choice, whatever it may be, for your reasons. Don't shove them down other people's throats.

#sermon #preaching #hereendeththefirstlesson

needsahalo · 01/05/2017 07:44

It's about time we started respecting each other's choices instead of being mean about it all

This thread has made me cry this morning. So much judgement. The issue is we don't all have choices. As a single parent I have to work. So in the eyes of so many, that means I am making choices that are bad for my children that Imdon't really care how they are brought up, that I am not prepared to make sacrifices, that Imchooise luxuries like. Ew cars and foreign holidays....seriously? Get a fucking grip with your judgements. I actually just want to give up. What's the point? You all think I"m a shit parent and couldn't care less.

sarahmum27 · 01/05/2017 07:44

Stopfucking taking a few years out shouldn't effect your pension too dramatically. Besides my grandparents had fantastic pensions, now they're in a care home and every penny including their house is now having to be used for their carehome.

All that hard work for nothing. They had 'great careers' too. Shit happens. You have to live for the moment.
I wouldn't want to miss out seeing mine grow up a little before I went back to work full time.

JustPoppingIn · 01/05/2017 07:44

I have worked PT and FT and would happily consider SAHM if finances allowed.

The options for parents are so variable depending on the industry they work in, wider family support, health, earning power and the needs of the child etc.

I try not to judge.

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