AIBU to have never felt degraded by the fact I don't earn "my own" income?

[Incognit0]

I'm fairly new to MN, but recently have read a lot of threads which seem quite judgemental about women who do not work outside the home, particularly once the DC are at school. I have never come across this attitude in real life, so wonder if MN is an anomaly, or if I'm actually missing something?

With the work my DH does school holidays, teacher training days etc are not easily accommodated - but again you judge away. If we could all get TA jobs that would be grand, unfortunately that's not going to happen

TheClaws please take no notice, bitches will judge regardless,
Hold your head high and carry on

If we could all get TA jobs that would be grand, unfortunately that's not going to happen

LOL see my previous reply (which was @ you but I miss quoted peanut in (sorry))

TA/teacher jobs are actually not at all school run friendly. A lot of term contracts outside of education work better with the school run, like mine, nothing to do with education & I finish at 3 less than half an hour away from DDs school (3.30 pick up!). I chat at the gates with other working mums, I don't meet the TAs or teacher parents at the gates, they're still working in their classrooms!

People who I see at the school gate, parent teacher meetings and all performances who have jobs and aren't TAs work in these areas amongst others:

Financial services
Self employed physio
healthcare
an event hire company owner
retail workers
trades
youth work
telesales
various other self emplyed

oh there's 2 professional photographers too

I work in frontline emergency services and I would say a large % of the workforce is on work/life balance. Ditto across all emergency services. Ditto councils, GP surgeries, supermarkets etc etc. I share school runs with DH, there is no wrap around care where we are, and no family to help out. Yes, sometimes I start some more work when kids gone to bed. Holidays are worked out between us and we always just manage to cover it via shift work and flexing.

Once children are at school, it's fine to not work for an income (without unnecessary use of benefits imo - that obviously means medical issues etc are a reason to not work) but don't dress it up as its for your kids/husband. Housework and home organising you just do as you go along - my DH doesn't take much part in that at all. My kids get to do stuff, we eat, have pets etc etc. Not wanting to work is fine, you don't have to justify it.

I was off last year for 3 months for illness. I honestly don't know how people fill their time with this home stuff they say they're busy with. I took up walking and loads of gardening because a dishwasher/washer drier and decent iron and Hoover hardly make for a full 6 hours X 5 days solid work do they?! And do much admin is online now, again - tell me what takes the time?! Baffled!

And OP, to be Clark - you have no income, your 'own' or otherwise. Your husband shares his money with you. But you personally do not get paid from any source.

Whatever floats your boat.

If a couple have made a decision that one parent stays at home and looks after the children whilst the other goes to work, that is their decision and can be for a myriad of reasons. I often find not working difficult as I miss the adult time but as far as I am concerned, it is the right choice for my family. I am not vulnerable - I have a professional qualification and if my husband leaves, I will simply return to work. It would have to be full time work probably as there is a real lack of decent part time roles that I can see in my field at the moment.

I cannot believe people are saying that SAHM are setting a terrible example to their children. In my experience, the most bosom hoiky, judgemental individuals are the ones most insecure with their own choices. My children are learning a lot about me and my values as I am with them all the time. They are learning that they have a Mother who got great school grades, has a professional background and who is lucky enough to be able to spend a few full years with them whilst they are tiny (small house rather than wealthy husband - not that it matters).

I have friends who are wonderful mums that work full time and equally wonderful mum friends that do not work at all. Work does NOT define you and neither does motherhood. Argh - these threads make me angry. I do not honestly believe that most people care or have the time to judge irl. The vitriol you see on here is nothing more than trolling and people mouthing off because of their own insecurities. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

The thing that really gets me is - how many men do you see angsting over this? None. The men that stay at home (my DH being one of them) seem very secure in their home based, parenting roles. Can bet your life he doesn't feel "degraded" not earning his own income! He doesn't have to, I earn enough for both of us.

Oh and he doesn't do housework either, he hates it - so I pay for a cleaner. Except "I" don't pay, "we" pay. I may earn it but the minute it hits our joint bank account, it's family money.

And yet here are women judging other women for working full time, for not working at all, for using paid childcare, for any one of a number of life choices that are the best choice they could make for their family, at that time. No one choice is superior to another, no one family set up is superior to another. It's what works for you and your family, I couldn't give a toss if both parents stayed at home, if both parents worked, if there was a mix of the two.

We did look into DH going back to paid employment when the youngest started school. The cost of childcare for school holidays, the cost of wraparound care (my job starts early and finishes late), the cost of me unexpectedly being called in on my day off - means that whatever he could earn, our family as a whole would have a net loss of income. He would rather we didn't take that financial hit and we both prefer having a parent at home.

I work part time though. I've decreased my hours to 50 a week :-) I still get to do the school run 2-3 times a week (days where I start late or finish early), I still get to go to performances and parent teacher evenings and presentation assemblies. I even got to go to camp this year which was awesome!

I like to think that the example we are setting is that any parent regardless of gender can look after children. And that any parent regardless of gender can work to pay the bills.

I also wonder how many people would still work if they won the lottery and money was really and truly no object. I wouldn't! I wouldn't feel degraded for living off my winnings either :-)

Whatever I could earn in a year, he could earn in in 5 minutes.

This thread was started as a stealth boast, or I'll eat my hat

For me it's been a blast.

Gave up work when my first was born - 19 years ago. Not worked outside the home since. Don't think I ever will now. Loving every second of my life.

Some of the responses to OP are really sad.

We live in a world where we don't see looking after our own children as work. It is far harder looking after preschool children than going to my senior job. Childcare fees are a fraction of what I earn and my job is far far easier. I can't get my head around this, but I think it shows how little we value looking after children which is a great shame.

You have to do what works for you. Even when they are at school - you still have to cover school holidays. Many parents don't have support from family to cover this. Many children can be needy and not want to attend summer programs. It's not black and white and we shouldn't treat it as such.

It's about time we started respecting each other's choices instead of being mean about it all.

I don't judge you OP. I respect you for making, what I consider, a selfless decision (although I acknowledge not all people even have the choice).

I don't think working or not working is what sets the bad example.

You set a bad example by working so much you can't prioritise what's important to your kids or be there for them during their important moments
You set a bad example by staying at home and still living in a shit tip and forcing your partner to do all the housework,
You set a bad example by playing the martyr, being unhappy with your choice, " I don't work because I am so altruistic and need to be there for my kids", or "I work only because I have to and I hate it"
You set a bad example by not working and exaggerating the difficulty in running a home, we all run a home, it's not like running a business and telling uour kids it is is wrong they can easily work and run a home
You set a bad example by teaching your kids that if both parents work then the kids suffer
You set a bad example by leaving yourself financially insecure and struggling when it all goes tits up and panicking because you need to get a job
You set a bad example by staying in an obviously unhappy marriage because you're financially dependent

You set a bad example many ways, but it's not as simple as working or not working.

Being happy and fulfilled, teaching your kids they have all the options, being there for them and showing you love them is what sets a good example.

'Whatever I could earn in a year, he could earn in in 5 minutes'
That IMO is slightly self 'degrading'
This is true of mine and DP's situation. I still choose to work in my chosen career, be it very part time now. Would have despised the alternative, but then I adore my job I guess.

I would always encourage anyone - tho it's so often women - not to give up their financial independence.

And to remember that the real world for most families is that they cannot survive without two incomes, so to even have the choice makes you immensely privileged. And to have compassion for the envy which may come across as judgement.

I am proud to stay at home and dedicate all my time to raising my child. I felt quite strongly that I wanted to be a positive role model for him and contribute to society by doing this.

My personal opinion is anyone who is physically and mentally well enough to work, who isn't actively caring for someone during work day hours, should work. And should WANT to work.
How anyone can want to sit at home instead of contribute to society when they have the capability to do so is beyond me.
Sitting at home popping out kids one after another or faking illness/injury etc to intentionally sit at home living a life on benefits instead of working is wrong, and i don't understand how anyone can look at themselves in the mirror who chooses to "live" like that, at the expense of everyone else.
Surely it brings a sense of pride and acomplishment to contribute?
If one partner in a relationship earns enough to cover the cost of living and the other chooses not to work or go back to work after child bearing, i still think it's wrong for the none working parent to not go back to work, again providing theyre physically and mentally healthy to be capable.

Really good post bluntness.
My cousin has five dc (one still pre-school). She didn't work while they were tiny, and without giving it a lot of thought I suppose I assumed she wouldn't work till the youngest was well into primary school for obvious reasons - managing the needs of five children I can well imagine is more than a full time job. She has just gone back to work, doing a hard, responsible, thankless job and she loves it. I am in awe of her.

Surely it brings a sense of pride and acomplishment to contribute?

Yes, and lets not dismiss the contribution that caring does.

Someone has to look after children- why not a parent?

Going out to work and paying someone else to do the caring is not everyone's choice.
I chose to stay at home so my kids were raised in a loving environment rather than day care. I also provided my OH with child care for our kids and gave him support so he could put 110% into his work.
I value my role.

Why is it wrong Almost? What if they can't find a job that works around school hours? What if their partner has a demanding job that means they can't cover sickness etc.
What if they don't have family close to help out in summer holidays?

Why does it have to be right or wrong?

I say this as someone who will likely never give up my career but I don't believe those who make a decision different to mine are "wrong."

I think the biggest problem is the lack of flexible work in the first place - which in turn makes it very difficult. Although I have not encountered it personally - I know a lot of senior people who cannot envisage a situation where people aren't in the office 10 hours a day, 5 days a week, all year round.

bittorrent123 exactly.

My DS had a lot of health problems , school attendance was rarely above 80%.
I have no family to help with childcare.
OH works long hours and often stays away 2/3 nights most weeks with work.
Working outside the home would have been impossible.

Sahp are well undervalued in society.
By undervaluing the role of a sahp you are in turn blatantly disregarding the priority of a child's wants and needs.
I can confidently say that most children would prefer to have a parents care for them, then paid childcare or grandparents, aunties etc. To simply go to work just because you then decide that 'it's not for me' or 'oooh I'd go insane' at least go to work because you need the money.
I think it's selfish to go to work (if you don't have to) when your lo is a tiny baby, you've had that child to care for it and raise it.
Why not put it in a flipping boarding school and be done. What was the point of all that ttc?.

"If one partner in a relationship earns enough to cover the cost of living and the other chooses not to work or go back to work after child bearing, i still think it's wrong for the none working parent to not go back to work"

Why?

Surely it brings a sense of pride and acomplishment to contribute?

Not all contributions can be measured by money.