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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have never felt degraded by the fact I don't earn "my own" income?

999 replies

Incognit0 · 30/04/2017 19:58

I'm fairly new to MN, but recently have read a lot of threads which seem quite judgemental about women who do not work outside the home, particularly once the DC are at school. I have never come across this attitude in real life, so wonder if MN is an anomaly, or if I'm actually missing something?

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 30/04/2017 23:48

And on that cheery note I'm off to bed :)

NataliaOsipova · 30/04/2017 23:48

Oh God - Stealth - we are going to get onto Brexit next. I can feel it in my underemployed bones.....

RestlessTraveller · 30/04/2017 23:49

Sorry op that changes nothing for me. I can understand when the children were pre-school but now you've sacrificed everything for your husband and you're just living off him. I couldn't do it.

dubmumof2 · 30/04/2017 23:50

Natalia

Funny you think that. I thought I owed my children more than having a nanny (and a nanny to cover the nanny) look after them while I worked for 70 hours a week to earn money we didn't need. If that's what you call a good example, I'm happy to be a poor one.

You are misrepresenting my original point here...staying at home to look after children instead of engaging childcare is a choice I wholly respect..and I said so. What I indicated that I judged more harshly was a situation where children are productively engaged elsewhere for 30 plus hours a week and a SAHP models that running a household/smoothing the path of others' work/education during that time is a productive engagement with society/community...??? I still believe we owe our children more than that

bjhgj · 30/04/2017 23:50

What does Brexit have to do with anything?

Thetitisright · 30/04/2017 23:52

I really think it's wrong not to be earning your income (even small). If you are able body you should be working. How many women have been married to men they thought they could trust but ended up in bad marriages ? They felt stuck and powerless ! Look it's all over mumsnet.

StealthPolarBear · 30/04/2017 23:55

I think Natalia was making a point about facts vs opinions and which win out. Could be wrong.
The tit, as I mentioned before, few people start a thread to say their marriage is fine and their husband isn't out to screw them.

Original poster
Incognit0 · 30/04/2017 23:59

Restless - I am not "just living off him". Unless you're only able to conceive of life in monetary terms Hmm He could be said to be equally living off me in the sense that he has never had to take a day off or work around our 3 children or worry about anything at home. My being a SAHM means that, as a family, we are financially better off. Whatever I could earn in a year, he could earn in in 5 minutes.

OP posts:
SafeWord · 01/05/2017 00:00

Why is it a choice between looking after dc and working. I do both.
Work til 3. Pick up kids.

Actually I don't know why I posted. This subject has got to be the most tedious ever.

Do what you want. Really. No one cares. No one has time to sit around commenting on what you do. Live your life and stop caring what every other fucker thinks.

MommaGee · 01/05/2017 00:01

If you are able body you should be working great plan, perhaps you can find child care that I can afford and can get to for my medically complex child given in struggling even for nursery at 2. And yes I could walk out the door at 6 as hubby walks in and work till midnight or work all weekend but given DS doesn't sleep through and I value my sanity / don't need your approval, we'll just carry on as we are thank you very much

MommaGee · 01/05/2017 00:04

Whatever I could earn in a year, he could earn in in 5 minutes given that DP is earning at least 10k x 12 so 120k an hour I understand why she doesn't work!

gillybeanz · 01/05/2017 00:05

Thetitisright

It's also full of parents moanin about how much the other does, how tired they are, their colleagues, boss, childcare, no time to themselves.
Bad marriages are the same whether both parents work or not.

I have also known many working mums to have to give up the marital home, take a step backwards with their career, through divorce.

dubmum
I believe we do owe our children this though.
It's nice to do these things for your family, why wouldn't it be.
Do you think that because a person chooses to do this they are somehow wrong?
I'm glad I'm me and not on some sort of power trip.

RestlessTraveller · 01/05/2017 00:06

Icognito you asked if people judging you happens in real life, I'm saying it does. What if your husband was suddenly incapacitated, or worse, died. Would you be able to live then? In my opinion you've given up your individuality to serve someone else but then people judge me for my decisions I don't care, you have to own your choices.

SpottedOnMN · 01/05/2017 00:09

Tinsel - If I thought DH was the type to squirrel money away or try and wriggle out funding his DC in the event of a split, I wouldn't be with him in the first place.

My ex isn't that type at all. He divided equity fairly and will pay generous maintenance until the kids leave uni, at which point my house will be paid off.

I'll still be in a far, far worse position financially than I would have been if I'd kept my career up even part time during our marriage rather than trying to get back into the job market after a looong break with me and small kids reeling from the divorce.

I loved being a SAHM but I hope my daughter won't be. All the financial risk is on the parent who gives up work. Exes who want to be horrible about it can hide self employment income, skip the country or just be utter arseholes about contact so you never know what hours you need childcare for.

SheSaidNoFuckThat · 01/05/2017 00:13

Well I work FOR my DH, I earn a wage but but it would mean nothing if we were to split.

Strangely enough when we made this arrangement, like our marriage, kids and house we didn't make a get out clause because you know - we are committed!

I would not judge one jot what others do, and don't care if I'm letting feminism down or whatever.

My main job is the house/kids/finances. My contractually paid job is admin/books

dubmumof2 · 01/05/2017 00:15

gilly beanz I'm glad I'm me and not on some sort of power trip. ?????

TinselTwins · 01/05/2017 00:17

Strangely enough when we made this arrangement, like our marriage, kids and house we didn't make a get out clause because you know - we are committed

It's a sign of commitment to make sure that the person you love now will be taken care of in the future, even if circumstances change.

It's not as much of a commitment to say "I'll look after you so long as I love you, so just trust that ya"

SheSaidNoFuckThat · 01/05/2017 00:20

Tinsel if circumstances change I am a big girl and can look after myself - whatever that takes

UppityHumpty · 01/05/2017 00:25

I'm a working mum. I work full time as does my DP. He has a job based from home, I have one that requires a commute, and we both between us provide a really good home for the kids. Most of the SAHP I know judge me for it. All the bullshit comments about working parents on this thread have been said to me and you know what? I don't care.

I could afford to pay a bigger mortgage than I currently do on my sole salary, commute, could continue to save as I do, and also continue private school fees, if I split up with my dh & he could afford similar. There's a security in that. A peace of mind.

SheSaidNoFuckThat · 01/05/2017 00:28

Uppity that sounds great. You do what works for your family at the end of the day. This thread only shows you will be judged no matter what choices are made

RC1234 · 01/05/2017 00:28

One parent staying at home and not earning their 'own money' is fine... provided the other parent considers them still to be equal.

Every relationship is different and we all have to make our own decision based on our actual circumstances (not dream, ideal circumstances).

Peanutandphoenix · 01/05/2017 01:12

I don't judge SAHM's it's a damn hard job and they deserve a medal for it what I don't get though are these mums who say they are a SAHM but their kids are in school you could easily go back to work pt then because your not looking after the kids while they are in school from 9-3 or whatever it is these days.

SheSaidNoFuckThat · 01/05/2017 01:20

Peanut because school hour jobs are like gold dust, because in you're both working the wrap around care in primary age kids eats your wages, because there's no after school care past age 12 when you might not want them home alone ......... and that's just off the top of my head!

TinselTwins · 01/05/2017 01:27

Peanut because school hour jobs are like gold dust

most of the people I know who say that applied for one TA job at their local school once and didn't get it and pretend they can't work instead of actually admitting that they don't want to

Same people get in a huff if the mum who works for a financial company says "our place does term contracts for sales, they're often recruiting" or if the mum who works in M&S says she's on a 4hr/day contract and someone else mentions that the leisure centre they work for is very flexible and the other mum who is also at the gate for pick up says "oh the care agency I work for lets me just work during school hours, etc. Suddenly there's a million other excuses and they act like they're getting unsolicited advise, when nobody would have mentioned all that if mum A hadn't had a massive moan about how she CAN'T work because the only term time contracts are in education and they're SOOOO hard to get!

TheClaws · 01/05/2017 01:34

Great, so there are people out there judging me ... when I'm already judging myself Sad I'm a SAHM of teenagers, but not by choice. I was made redundant a couple of years ago, and the job market and my severe chronic illness has made it very difficult to return to work in any real form. I do work for myself on occasion, but that's infrequent. I'm lucky in that my DH earns enough to support our family, but I feel my guilt every day. I'm trying to improve my health by going to physical rehab sessions, but I sometimes feel being forced into work because of pressure like this only defeats the purpose. My health would decline again. What is the point?p

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