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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have never felt degraded by the fact I don't earn "my own" income?

999 replies

Incognit0 · 30/04/2017 19:58

I'm fairly new to MN, but recently have read a lot of threads which seem quite judgemental about women who do not work outside the home, particularly once the DC are at school. I have never come across this attitude in real life, so wonder if MN is an anomaly, or if I'm actually missing something?

OP posts:
Original poster
Incognit0 · 30/04/2017 23:19

Restless - can I explain?

DH was in a position where he could potentially make life-changing amounts of money. It would however involve extremely long and irregular hours, plus overseas travel and a lot of stress.

Before DC I was earning about £50K pa in a very stressful job from which I was burnt out. This was when I was 26. I'm now 40 and DH is 45.

We have no family around us in London.

It made sense for DH to do what he needed to do because the financial benefits to us as a family far outweighed the alternative option of me working for a set income and curtailing his financial potential.

Otherwise it would have meant involving childminders etc when the DC were younger, or me working around school hours. The stress and juggling simply never seemed worth it.

Many women are in this type of situation. They become SAHMs because it's actually financially profitable for the family as a whole and it secures their children's education and future in a way that could not otherwise have been achieved. Plus it's lot less stress overall.

OP posts:
Goldfishjane · 30/04/2017 23:19

"You're not a stay at home parent, you're just unemployed"

Hmm. I'm saving fir early retirement, if I retire at 50 would you say that about me?

Also, I don't mind at all people not applying for jobs when they don't need them. I'm not saying there should be a ban but sometimes this "you should work till you drop dead even if you can afford not to" makes me wonder if some people work due to societal judgement. Seems a shame for them and those who need to work to eat.

EmpressoftheMundane · 30/04/2017 23:20

While I agree that there is dignity in work. There is something very old fashioned, patriarchal, capitalistic about the tone of this thread.

You can unpack a lot of assumptions in many of the comments here: that only paid work is productive and worthwhile, that all the unpaid work that women have traditionally done is worthless and deserves no respect, the people who don't make themselves available to be exploited by capital deserve to be marginalised.

The world really isn't set up in children's best interests or for the convenience of women. If it was I imagine that things would be very different. Perhaps career breaks would be acceptable; the long hours culture (which doesn't seem to be linked to increased productivity) would whither; the school year and day would align with the working year and day; etc.

bjhgj · 30/04/2017 23:21

Yes, of course Goldfish.

Goldfishjane · 30/04/2017 23:21

OP, yes of course many families have a SAH for those reasons.
If people don't get that I really wouldn't bother explaining to them.

GreenHairDontCare · 30/04/2017 23:22

I'm a SAHM, all three dc in school.

TBH I do pretty much fuck all during the day. Housework takes an hour, tops, and other than the constant laundry I have no other commitments.

I watch a lot of tv, read books, walk the dog, see friends. It's fucking awesome.

I do all the cooking, and I do make DH's sandwiches. Dh loves that I'm at home, no resentment at all.

I've never had, or wanted, a career.

Goldfishjane · 30/04/2017 23:22

Bjhjg, in that case I shall look forward to being gainfully unemployed Grin

What age do you consider okay to retire?

bjhgj · 30/04/2017 23:23

I don't give a shit about when people retire, or if they don't work. But let's get it right, if you don't work, you're unemployed. People only give it other titles because they don't want to admit it.

TinselTwins · 30/04/2017 23:23

Surely it would make financial sense for you to also draw a salary from the business then? Is there a reason your DP doesn't do this, or appoint you as a director or company secretary? It would be a bad thing for him financially if you were ever to split up, but assuming that won't happen there are various benefits to be gained.

Thats a good point, it would make tax sense for him to employ you for that accounting, so why doesn't he? DHs accountant is always advising him to hire me but I'ld fucking hate to work for his business I prefer my job Grin

seriously though, if you're working for his company why aren't you on the books? it makes sense tax wise?

MummyMuppet2x2 · 30/04/2017 23:24

It's simple. Horses for courses.

StealthPolarBear · 30/04/2017 23:24

Bjh that is rubbish. Not everyone who doesn't wrk is classed as unemployed.

bjhgj · 30/04/2017 23:25

What are they then?

NataliaOsipova · 30/04/2017 23:26

But let's get it right, if you don't work, you're unemployed.

No - because the term "unemployed" means that one is actively seeking work and has not found it. If you choose not to work, then you are not in employment. Very different concepts, certainly in terms of economic analysis.

OwlOfBrown · 30/04/2017 23:26

Indeed TinselTwins. I know several SAHMs whose husbands employ them as company secretary, pay them in the region of £35K (so no danger of HRT), and then do the actual work themselves.

SemiNormal · 30/04/2017 23:26

I think what's sad (and unrealistic) is the viewpoint that we should all get through life without ever depending on anyone else tbh - I don't think we should all get through life without depending on anyone else but I never have and I hope I never will (except when I was a child of course). I don't think it's unrealisic or sad. I couln't be dependent on someone else it would destroy my self esteem but each to their own.

StealthPolarBear · 30/04/2017 23:27

Well some obvious groups to me are children and pensioners.
I believe ons call anyone who isn't in employment and isn't looking "outside the labour force" or something like that as opposed to the "unemploed" ie job seekers

TinselTwins · 30/04/2017 23:27

Bjh that is rubbish. Not everyone who doesn't wrk is classed as unemployed

I'm confused. What do you think unemployed means if it doesn't mean not being an employee or self employed?

zzzzz · 30/04/2017 23:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StealthPolarBear · 30/04/2017 23:28

But I'll go and tell my ten year old he's a lazy scrounger and needs to get himself down to the jobcentre right away. Hopefully they're hiring sweet testers.

StealthPolarBear · 30/04/2017 23:28

X post tinsel, I've given examples

NataliaOsipova · 30/04/2017 23:28

What do you think unemployed means if it doesn't mean not being an employee or self employed?

As I said upthread, it means you are actively seeking/available for employment.

TinselTwins · 30/04/2017 23:29

Indeed TinselTwins. I know several SAHMs whose husbands employ them as company secretary, pay them in the region of £35K (so no danger of HRT), and then do the actual work themselves

yes a lot of people in DHs field "hire" family members to do the books or as PAs for the tax breaks.

It would financially benefit us too I just don't want to do it. I might in the future if I want to semi-retire.

StealthPolarBear · 30/04/2017 23:30

I thought the term was generally understood Natalia. Apparently not Confused

TinselTwins · 30/04/2017 23:30

As I said upthread, it means you are actively seeking/available for employment.

No it doesn't, thats a jobseeker/job hunter

Unemployed just means you're not in employment or self employed

tiddlywinkywoo · 30/04/2017 23:31

I'm going to be honest and admit that I would judge someone whose children were at school/at college and classed themselves as a SAHM.

I will say it's absolutely not my business if you're financially ok and not relying on benefits to stay at home.

I have to agree with the main point which is these SAHP, relying on their partner's income to support them, are walking a tightrope - I really hope they don't have an affair, and you trust them 100& - I could never rely on someone that much - naive at best, ignorant at worst. I've a friend who had a husband who earned the top end of 6 figures. One day he decided he didn't want to be with her anymore. They didn't even have kids but she unfortunately thought she didn't need to work and was a stereotypical 'lady that lunches'.

She's going through hell now