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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have never felt degraded by the fact I don't earn "my own" income?

999 replies

Incognit0 · 30/04/2017 19:58

I'm fairly new to MN, but recently have read a lot of threads which seem quite judgemental about women who do not work outside the home, particularly once the DC are at school. I have never come across this attitude in real life, so wonder if MN is an anomaly, or if I'm actually missing something?

OP posts:
crazycatgal · 30/04/2017 23:00

My mum always worked part time when I was young (around 20 hours) and I didn't feel like she missed out on anything - I respected her for always working hard.

When I was 10 my dad had a stroke that left him off work for weeks and we struggled with money even with my mums wage, don't know how we would have coped if she didn't work.

sarahmum27 · 30/04/2017 23:03

Restlesstraveller but if her husband is happy to care for her financially then what's so wrong with that?
Maybe he likes having his wife undistracted by work, free to enjoy life and be a happy wife who isn't stressed from being in a stuffy office all day.

RestlessTraveller · 30/04/2017 23:05

For me it shows an outstanding lack of self-respect and an appalling role model for her children sarahmum27

Chloe84 · 30/04/2017 23:05

@OP, you are fortunate, but a lot of divorced SAHM are not. I see on MN threads that they can be forced to sell the house to share equity with ex, receive bare minimum child maintenance, and have little work experience so find it hard to get a job.

You seem to have an almost 'I'm alright, jack' attitude to this. Sorry if that's not the case.

StealthPolarBear · 30/04/2017 23:05

But the adults who live in a household have t run the household no matter whether they also work outside the home. Our house presumably doesn't run itself - we cut the grass and pay the bills, and once a year someone services the boiler, is it that sort of thing? Running a business to make a profit, managing staff and answering to the board is really not comparable.

dubmumof2 · 30/04/2017 23:05

I have to be honest and say that I judge people in your situation (or what I surmise your situation to be from this thread) somewhat...a parent staying at home to care for babies/pre-school children or someone staying at home to care for someone elderly or disabled is one thing, and usually means making financial sacrifices to do so. That I don't judge at all. But someone whose kids are in school for a substantial period daily and chooses to model for their children that the only contribution they make to society/community/economy is the smooth running of a household and marriage although they are physically capable of more....no I don't believe that modelling happiness by such means is a good enough example...I think we owe our children more than that...

RestlessTraveller · 30/04/2017 23:06

As for her husband 'liking a wife I distracted by work', the thought makes me shudder.

StealthPolarBear · 30/04/2017 23:06

I'd quite like dh to be carefree and away from being in a stuffy office all day.

gillybeanz · 30/04/2017 23:06

I loved being a sahm and managed 25 years, and only work now out of guilt.
I'll probably retire in a few years, but enjoy working pt for now.

I did not spend 25 years just looking after kids, they went to school.
Nor did I do more than my share of domestic chores, even though dh worked ft.
I have never felt taken for granted and have raised the dc to take responsibility for their share too, and these have grown with age.
I have lots of hobbies and interests and even though I don't judge I can't help feeling sorry for parents who say they'd be bored without a job, as it shows such lack of imagination Sad

MommaGee · 30/04/2017 23:06

Maybe he likes having his wife undistracted by work, free to enjoy life and be a happy wife who isn't stressed from being in a stuffy office all day. definately not got a toddler then!

angelcakerocks · 30/04/2017 23:09

I think what's sad (and unrealistic) is the viewpoint that we should all get through life without ever depending on anyone else tbh
Also what's with people being nasty about other peoples' choices about how they live their lives and how they raise their children Sad

Nessie71 · 30/04/2017 23:09

stealthpolorbear In a way you a right i was brought up in the 70s my dad was the provider and mum stayed home....i cant imagine not having her there after school old hat i know...but i instll in my daughter that she can be antything she wants.

wifeyhun · 30/04/2017 23:10

Crikey some of these post are coming across so judgemental and jealous.

One poster above you wouldn't be my friend we would have nothing in common if you didn't work.

Where are all these mythical jobs which run during term time only? Or is someone is looking after you children?

These types of threads always bring out so much bitterness.

RestlessTraveller · 30/04/2017 23:10

To be fair angelcakerocks, the op asked.

LittleBearPad · 30/04/2017 23:10

Any SAHM who is not married to her partner is in a vulnerable position and should consider what will happen if he relationship fails. Thr protection for married SAHMs isn't that great.

StealthPolarBear · 30/04/2017 23:11

I have no problem with people being dependent. As a pp has said both are dependent on each other. But I hate the assumption that men work because that's what men do and if the woman so chooses she might get a little job to pay for days out and holidays. Or the reverse is that they're so hard u she has to work as every tiny amount is needed.

Goldfishjane · 30/04/2017 23:11

OP
Haven't read whole thread
But really it's a lot about judgey and non judgey types
I am childfree and single and work
I have friends who have raised children and not done paid work
No biggie from where I'm standing
We all want different things
I often find MN quite Other Planet like but I'm conscious if I take against someone in real life, I exude "go away" so maybe the judgey types do Grin
Likewise my friends dint see my choices as odd otherwise we'd not be friends.

RestlessTraveller · 30/04/2017 23:12

wifeyhun if you mean me I can guarantee I'm not jealous. Not wanting to give up work is one of the reasons I chose not to have children.

StealthPolarBear · 30/04/2017 23:12

" Or is someone is looking after you children? "
Sorry to labour the point but who looks after your oh"s children?

bjhgj · 30/04/2017 23:13

You're not a stay at home parent, you're just unemployed.

TinselTwins · 30/04/2017 23:14

I find the more time I have to do something the longer I take. I've done a fair amount of overtime the last few weeks and last week also did a load of pension/retirement type admin and this week have done some account switching. I've done it this evening, If I'ld had all week off I'ld probably faff about for that long with it before doing it and would have made it into a much bigger job than it needed to be.

But just because you can spread these tasks out over a full week if you have a full week off, doesn't make it = to a FT workload

FairNotFair · 30/04/2017 23:15

Most people just try to do the best they can.

Those that don't... well, it probably won't make much difference, no matter whether they stay at home or go out to work. So I can't see much point in judging either way.

NataliaOsipova · 30/04/2017 23:17

.I think we owe our children more than that...

Funny you think that. I thought I owed my children more than having a nanny (and a nanny to cover the nanny) look after them while I worked for 70 hours a week to earn money we didn't need. If that's what you call a good example, I'm happy to be a poor one.

TinselTwins · 30/04/2017 23:17

Where are all these mythical jobs which run during term time only? Or is someone is looking after you children?

Nope, other than holiday clubs that are more like boot camps for their hobbies which they ask to do, mine aren't looked after in school holidays, a combination of annual leave, me not doing any over time, DH dropping hours slightly (he can) and tag teaming with DH means the girls don't need to be shipped off to anyone unless its for fun in the holidays

OwlOfBrown · 30/04/2017 23:19

Sarahmum

I do the accounts for my dp business

Surely it would make financial sense for you to also draw a salary from the business then? Is there a reason your DP doesn't do this, or appoint you as a director or company secretary? It would be a bad thing for him financially if you were ever to split up, but assuming that won't happen there are various benefits to be gained.