AIBU to have never felt degraded by the fact I don't earn "my own" income?

[Incognit0]

I'm fairly new to MN, but recently have read a lot of threads which seem quite judgemental about women who do not work outside the home, particularly once the DC are at school. I have never come across this attitude in real life, so wonder if MN is an anomaly, or if I'm actually missing something?

I'll be honest. I judge you, I wouldn't feel the need to tell you if I knew you, but yeah, I totally judge you.

Judge away. There are just as many people who feel that way about parents whose kids are in full time childcare.

I tend to think that people do what works best for them and their family. So your judgement is pretty pointless as you aren't in that exact position and aren't making that particular call. Would I make different decisions in different circumstances? Quite possibly. Am I happy with the ones I've made in the situation I'm in? Yes. So why would I care what a stranger thinks?

I don't judge those of my friends who choose to be SAHPs however I do worry about them.

You only need to spend a while on the Relationships board to see how many women there are trapped in marriages where they have fallen out of love, are unfulfilled in other ways, their DH has cheated or been abusive and they feel like they can't leave because of financial reasons.

I would always encourage my own daughters to work for this reason alone (and it's why my DM and DGM encouraged me to work).

OP, I find the attitude quite strange. Why worry about other people's choices if one is happy with one's own?

I have been both a SAHM and a WOHM. I quite liked being a SAHM and did it for over a decade, having left a "serious" career. For us, it worked for us because

1. my husband and I were in agreement about this "strategy" for our family and committed to each other. All money is ours, not his and mine.
2. my husband earned enough to support our family on his own and still save for a rainy day, etc.
3. we live in a pleasant area where there were plenty of opportunities for me to find purpose and stimulation without needing to be in a "job"

This was great for our children at the time because they liked being picked up at 3:15 when they were little to tell me about their days, help prepare dinner, read to me, etc.

Now I work outside the home. I enjoy what I am doing, and as they become older the extra money becomes more important. Now I get home at 6:30, our meals are less from "scratch," they weekends are full of chores, and I wish my youngest didn't have to go to breakfast club, but that is how it is.

I feel happy that I was able to be there all the time for them when they were tiny. I wish it was an option for more families to have a SAHP during the primary years because in my experience it was a nice way to live. A little slower and less stressed.

I don't judge anyone though. There are lots of reasons to go out to work, all valid and none are for me to judge.

Nessie I have to agree. I was a childminder for 4 years, I was the one throwing Birthday parties to a lot of upset children, being there for special assemblies and when they were unwell.
I think that when you work your head gets so stuck into work that you forget sometimes how it effects your children.
Iv had to be there for my sisters children when she's running late or has to go in for this and that, and when she's forgotten that a costume is due in or her son is sick at school. You have to make it work, sadly I know a lot of children that have been effected because both their parents are working all the hours god sends.

natalia I was judging the OP not you, but that's why I would never tell you. Completely none of my business. I do my judging quietly.

Momma yo get your child to pay the bills. I'm judging ;)

RestlessTraveller Sun 30-Apr-17 22:36:59 I'll be honest. I judge you, I wouldn't feel the need to tell you if I knew you, but yeah, I totally judge you.
but honestly what gives you the right to judge someone who is doing what is best for their family?

Mommagee Iv never made a packed lunch for my dp in my life lol!
What makes you think us little sahp are running around for our husbands???
I look after the children not my partner thanks.

In fairness stumbly for every one of those threads you mention there may be 100 women who aren't posting the dull thread that everything's ticking along nicely and their dh is trustworthy.

MommaGee See my above post to Natalia

There are as many self centred SAHPs as WOHPs who don't put their children first

I would never send my kids to a childminder or school if ill
Between DH and I DDs have never not had at least one of us at even the most minor of assembly or performance. I do know SAHMs who've forgotten these things are on though, and who have sent their kids to school in uniform on mufty day etc

A shit WOH parent who does that would be a shit SAHP who does that

All the bills are paid by DD

hahaha Direct Debit not daughter as yet not in exsistence

I think anyone who believes that a SAHP whose children are at school does nothing but housework is showing a disturbing lack of imagination

i woudl expect the WOHP to make the packed lunches tbh, I do mine and ds's together.

similarly I haven't found the SAHPs of DDs friends particularly more likely to check book bags and not miss or forget to RSVP to party invites etc.

Are you building up a pension for when the kids have left home and you are growing older? and he may have done a runner?

Mommagee Iv never made a packed lunch for my dp in my life lol!
What makes you think us little sahp are running around for our husbands???
I look after the children not my partner thanks.

Where did I refer to "little" SAHP? given i am one. i'm just curious how looking after the kids is like running a business unless i'm doing it wrong. Point is I'm a SAHP for my son not my DH, the house doesn't take that much management so am missing how it's equivalent to running a business

RestlessTraveller Sun 30-Apr-17 22:48:24 MommaGee See my above post to Natalia point remains - why do you judge OP and what gives you the rght to judge her on doing what is right for her family nd which doesn't affect you

stealthpolorbear No not everybody does have that choice which is horrible...if im honest i could go and get a full time job but the fact is i only have my 70 year old inlaws to rely on as dh is up and out at 6 and in again at 6 but some parents work so they can have two weeks holiday somewhere expensive...

I used to judge - before I've had children and tbh it's easy to do so going on stereotypes, or rather stereotypes attitude to SAHMs.

I went back to work when my first was 1 - and was glad I did. But I've found the second maternity leave completely different: I've enjoyed it more, it feels totallly different. With my older one starting school, I wish I could stay at home when they are at school. We miss so much of their growing up for petty, office demands and politics.
My job is office based: it saves no lives, it doesn't even benefit society in any way. Whilst taking me away from my children and causing stress for when I am with them sometimes.

I used to look down on SAHMs. Now I wish I could be one!

I do not make my childrens packed lunches

Dh does that

Nessie I meant do men have that chpice r is it a given they provide? You clearly see the children as your responsibility.

Ifly - I'm fortunate that I'm not financially exposed in that scenario. We all grow older, SAHM or not.

Mommagee because running a house involves a multitude of task, just like a business does.
I've ran a business and ran a household and both take a lot of juggling.

MommaGee I don't think I have the right to judge her, and if I chose to do so and keep it to myself and I don't need a right. I would nevertheless tell her because that would be rude.

I'd siliently judge her because she is relying on someone else to pay her way. Not because she was a SAHP when her children were not a school, but because she has no intention of ever paying her way. Ever.

I don't judge but it wouldn't be for me. I wouldn't like to have to rely on anyone else financially. At the moment I'm a student but as soon as I finish I will return to work. In an ideal world I would win the lottery and never have to work again, but I would only feel comfortable if the wealth I had was my own. I'd always feel shit about asking for money or feel guilty about spending his money on things for myself (I appreciate that is my own issue though).
The only time I possibly would judge is if someones children were at school and they weren't working but were pleading poverty all the time, I must admit I'd think "Well get a fucking job then".
If you're comfortable with your choices and both you and your husband are happy then it's not really anyone elses business.