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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Man took picture of dd's breasts

181 replies

WildBelle · 30/04/2017 15:44

Yesterday dd (12) and her friend went to a large event. It was at a hotel right next to a shopping centre. In theory under 16s were meant to have an adult with them, so I was prepared that I might have to stay, but when we got there no one on the desk said anything about them needing an adult with them, and most people there seemed to be under 16 with no adults in their group. Dd1 is at the age where hanging around with her mum is really not cool so she wanted me to go, and dd2 would have been a massive, whinging pain in the arse if we'd stayed so it kind of suited everyone.

So I took dd2 for lunch and a wander around the shops in the shopping centre right next to the hotel. After a couple of hours dd2 phoned to say they'd had enough and wanted to leave, so we walked back over and met them.

On the way home, dd and her friend told me about a man coming up to them when they were at the event and asked to take a picture or dd (she was dressed up as a character and did look pretty cool). She agreed, but instead of using the proper camera he had with him, got his Iphone out and zoomed right in on dd's breasts (she is very blessed in that department), and took a picture. They found it quite funny but I was pretty shocked. He'd given them the impression that he was taking pictures on behalf of the event, although of course he could have just been saying that.

Dd's friend was chatting to another friend they'd met up with at the event last night and apparently this guy had done similar to other girls too.

I am tempted to contact the event about it but don't know what they can do, and they will probably just say that as dd is under 16 she was supposed to have an adult with her. But a grown man going around taking pictures of a 12 year old's cleavage isn't ok is it?

OP posts:
skerrywind · 01/05/2017 06:40

OP I was with yoiu intil this comment (she is very blessed in that department)

WWF!!

angryladyboobs · 01/05/2017 06:45

Obviously not ok. But leaving your 12 at an event at a hotel with no supervising adults? It wouldn't have happened to your daughter and friend if you'd been looking after them.

angryladyboobs · 01/05/2017 06:47

12yo child with ASD who is not quite on the ball and with a low cut top on.

Going all out on parenting there eh?

Batteriesallgone · 01/05/2017 07:03

I don't want to make you feel worse OP, I just want to add to the voices saying cosplay and the like is FULL OF CREEPS.

12 is too young to be navigating an event like that alone ASD or not. I speak as someone not into it but on the fringes (friends and relatives) and my word, the stuff that goes on. Often with people too unsure of themselves to just say 'no' or call the police.

There seems to be a lot of vulnerable people at these events - children whose parents think it's a harmless bit of fun, people with social anxiety, etc. Where you get vulnerable people you also get people looking to take advantage of that.

ItalianMare · 01/05/2017 07:07

Presumably the photo was taken with a phone? In which case, there is no lense so how do you know he zoomed in on her chest?

ItalianMare · 01/05/2017 07:11

For the record OP, I can understand why you left her. I would have done the same. You were next door, you both had phones and it was an enclosed environment. I wouldn't have thought about the potential weirdo attraction to this sort of thing either. At 12, she is presumably making her way to school alone and has unsupervised time with friends.

hoihoihoi · 01/05/2017 07:13

Angryladyboobs & others eh, she can wear what she likes. The only person in the wrong here is the pervy man tricking girls into letting him take pics of their breasts and presumably hoping that the girls will be so shocked or shy to do anything about it when they realise what is happening.

It's like you're all saying that by wearing a low cut top, women are inviting people to sexualise us in some way. No! We can wear whatever the hell we want to wear, those of you saying otherwise are victim-blaming and that's not on!

Op well done for reporting it. Your Dd may not at the time have realised how serious this is but hopefully by seeing your response to it, she'll be better prepared on how to deal with it next time (and I'm sorry, but there likely will be similar incidents in the future as a large breasted woman, unfortunately). You're doing a great job and by the sounds of it you're being a great role model to your two DDs.

Usernumbernine · 01/05/2017 07:19

There's a reason that the event asked u16 to have an adult. And now you know why.

You don't even know that the man definitely took a photo of her boobs because your DD didnt look at him properly to see what he was doing and she didn't see the photo.

From your description of your DD and her challenges she's far too young to navigate that type of event without adult supervision.

Here's hoping the police can get to the bottom of what happened exactly and that you've learnt a lesson and will abide by event rules in future.

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuck · 01/05/2017 07:40

GlamClam Flowers

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 01/05/2017 08:08

Was there any follow-up with the police?

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuck · 01/05/2017 08:24

SisterMoonshine I don't think she was passing herself off as 16. Hmm

cdtaylornats · 01/05/2017 08:32

She maybe wasn't but you were OP. I get the feeling this is more about you feeling guilty than anything the girls feel bad about.

I seriously do not understand why people want to waste police time on this. Without the phone and the pictures on it you can't say what he zoomed in on. Taking pictures of someone in a 16+ area isn't illegal.

rightwhine · 01/05/2017 08:39

You were 5 minutes away. You hadn't abandoned her. I think it's sensible doing these things in stages like this, however it sounds as if these type of things actually need more supervision than a lot of others, although like you I wouldn't have realised that.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 01/05/2017 08:41

You shouldn't have left her without adult supervision at this event. You shouldn't have needed anyone at the event to remind you it is adult supervision for under 16s, when you knew that was the rule. It doesn't matter that they didn't mention it when you went. It's your responsibility.

The guy sounds like a total creep.

EggysMom · 01/05/2017 08:47

I'm glad to hear that the venue and the police have been alerted. If one person reports it, it might not lead to anything ... but if it turns out that four or five young girls have reported this behaviour, then the police should investigate. Each of them are individuals but there is definitely strength in numbers.

FrenchMartiniTime · 01/05/2017 09:01

The hotel stated that under 16's be supervised for this very reason, and you chose to ignore it.

This has shown that your daughter clearly isn't mature enough or socially aware to be left alone yet. Especially as she has ASD. You need to sit her down and explain "stranger danger" and if any unknown adult asks her for pictures to say no and walk away.

Sorry this happened OP. Sounds like your daughter needs more education from you about the outside world as you put it.

Batteriesallgone · 01/05/2017 09:30

Told DH about this, OP. He knows the event (Bristol, opposite a big shopping centre, hotel, this weekend, think I have those facts right) he sadly shook his head and said it's awful, but I'm not surprised. His thoughts were:

  • There's a lot of peodophile anime starting to circulate these days and it's really ruining the genre (apparently). He didn't want to go to that event because he feels these things are creeping more and more towards the giggly schoolgirl + creepy old man dynamic, and he's not into that at all
  • the non peodophile anime is apparently getting more and more dominated with 'harem' style stuff, one man multiple women etc, again, very unequal and puts him right off
  • the problem is not just the content itself going that way, which he doesn't enjoy of itself, but the people that that kind of content attracts
  • he mentioned the 'cosplay is not consent' thing somebody already mentioned upthread as an example of just how common unwelcome sexual attention is at these events

Also he said he's seen first hand how dangerous conventions like this can be for people who find social interactions a challenge. Social interactions become dominated not by who is the best at making eye contact / conversation / most attractive person but who has the best costume. This makes it great for people who want to be centre of attention sometimes but have no idea how to arrange that in 'normal' social interactions. Unfortunately, it also means people can easily get isolated by their friends by a guy remarking on hey, great costume, girl who normally doesn't get talked to much stops and laps up the attention, friends get bored and wonder off. Young girl is now isolated, complimented and confused and ripe for something to happen to her which afterwards she just tries to shake off / pretend didn't happen.

Obviously it's not her fault or your fault. But knowledge is power, so hope this helps.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 01/05/2017 09:56

If the guy was simply holding up a phone to take her photograph how did she know he was zooming in on her boobs?

how do you know he zoomed in on her chest?

cdtaylornats and ItalianMare, because OP said on page 1 "he held his phone right by dd's breasts and took a picture holding the phone at an angle that definitely wouldn't have had her face in it"

pinkstinks · 01/05/2017 10:12

Hope you are ok OP. I am one bristol and some of my friends attended. I have seen some pictures uploaded to FB and to the events page. Might be worth having a look to see if your dd is in any of these/who they were uploaded by.

Original poster
WildBelle · 01/05/2017 10:46

Thanks for the supportive messages, and to those who have criticised my parenting - I admitted at the start of this thread that I should have stayed with her, but genuinely didn't think she would be in any danger there. To be fair to me, dd's friend's (who came with us) mum, and all the parents of the other group of friends they met up with, who were all unaccompanied (and who had traveled to Bristol alone on the train and made their way across Bristol to the convention), all made the same call, so I don't think the risks were as glaringly obvious as some are making out. They were all the same age - 12/13. Obviously now I know, and she won't be going to similar events without me in future.

Haven't heard anything from the police.

OP posts:
muckypup73 · 01/05/2017 11:49

user1493479063, are you on the Autstic spectrum? if not it makes a big difference, its not about mollycoddling, our children are vunerable.

AngelicaSchuylerChurch · 01/05/2017 11:55

Please don't describe your daughter as being 'blessed' in the chest 'department', even jokingly or ironically.

I had enormous breasts at your daughter's age and it was awful. I was very tall and looked much older than my age, and before I had even started my periods I had adult men openly staring and making lewd comments in the street.

It was no fucking blessing.

GabsAlot · 01/05/2017 12:01

i doubt the police will do anything of another thread is anything to go by

apparently taking pictures of womens underwear-breasts isnt an offence if its in a public place

kid still in school with sai teacher he took pic of

deckoff · 01/05/2017 12:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuck · 01/05/2017 13:58

That's how I took it deckoff