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AIBU?

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Original poster

Man took picture of dd's breasts

181 replies

WildBelle · 30/04/2017 15:44

Yesterday dd (12) and her friend went to a large event. It was at a hotel right next to a shopping centre. In theory under 16s were meant to have an adult with them, so I was prepared that I might have to stay, but when we got there no one on the desk said anything about them needing an adult with them, and most people there seemed to be under 16 with no adults in their group. Dd1 is at the age where hanging around with her mum is really not cool so she wanted me to go, and dd2 would have been a massive, whinging pain in the arse if we'd stayed so it kind of suited everyone.

So I took dd2 for lunch and a wander around the shops in the shopping centre right next to the hotel. After a couple of hours dd2 phoned to say they'd had enough and wanted to leave, so we walked back over and met them.

On the way home, dd and her friend told me about a man coming up to them when they were at the event and asked to take a picture or dd (she was dressed up as a character and did look pretty cool). She agreed, but instead of using the proper camera he had with him, got his Iphone out and zoomed right in on dd's breasts (she is very blessed in that department), and took a picture. They found it quite funny but I was pretty shocked. He'd given them the impression that he was taking pictures on behalf of the event, although of course he could have just been saying that.

Dd's friend was chatting to another friend they'd met up with at the event last night and apparently this guy had done similar to other girls too.

I am tempted to contact the event about it but don't know what they can do, and they will probably just say that as dd is under 16 she was supposed to have an adult with her. But a grown man going around taking pictures of a 12 year old's cleavage isn't ok is it?

OP posts:
peripericardium · 30/04/2017 16:11

Also the fact it was a hotel - what if one of the men had asked your DD to go to his room for a photography session or something? The whole setup seems completely unsafe.

Original poster
WildBelle · 30/04/2017 16:13

I really didn't think that it would be a dangerous place - I thought it would be full of fellow nerds. She had her friend with her and also met up with another group of friends from a neighbouring town. If she wants to go to a similar thing again I will insist on cramping her style, that's for sure.

For clarity, she was wearing a vest top from topshop, it wasn't racy in any way, if I'd worn it it would have been in the slightest bit revealing but unfortunately dd1 must have got her boobs from her dad because they are already huge, so there was cleavage on display.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 30/04/2017 16:13

Her breasts 'out'? Confused

Since when did young girls need to be naked before being targeted by creeps?

peripericardium · 30/04/2017 16:15

really didn't think that it would be a dangerous place - I thought it would be full of fellow nerds.

Unfortunately there are a fair few "nerds" who are essentially creepy old men.

I was a nerdy 12-year-old girl and was targeted by these types. That's probably why this stuff makes me worry. I was first sexually assaulted at a metal gig at 13 by an adult male. You have to be so careful.

It is sad that the world is like this.

Tiredperson · 30/04/2017 16:15

Because under 16s were supposed to have an adult with them, the person taking the photo may have reasonably assumed they were over this age. The video game industry is full of stereotyped women which isn't that healthy for men or women.

It's still not great I agree for any age, however there are lots of people being photographed at these events and they are adult focused - I would not be leaving a child there. They haven't the skills to be able to say to that man 'hey don't do that' - and anyone could be taking their number on the promise of gaming reasons. I'm sure most people there are fine but you could even look at it from the other side - what if a well meaning but socially inept 17 year old boy chatted up your daughter - really not realizing she was 12. Could be really easy to be inappropriate.

YoniFucker · 30/04/2017 16:17

Your DD should be free to go around dressed however she likes and none of this is her fault. However it is your job to protect her for as long as you can, and that means supervision.

It's also the OP's 'job' to build confidence in her daughter. Hindsight is winderful, but at the time, the OP judged this to be safe: DD was with a friend; OP was near; it was an organised event.

Uncomfortable as this is, no harm has come to DD. DD was sensible enough to tell her mum. OP is now deciding what to do next.

The only person to blame here is the man, not the OP.

OP, I'd definitely call and report it to the venue and police, whether you can get a description or not.

user1471495191 · 30/04/2017 16:17

I can't believe some posters are turning this against the 12 year old DD or the OP.
What the man did was wrong. No caveats.
Report to the hotel and the police.
As others have said they may well be able to capture him on cctv especially if he did it to others too. Please, please report OP. And none of this is the fault of you or your daughter. Flowers

SlowLifeLove · 30/04/2017 16:18

@WildBelle

Hindsight is wonderful and I am sorry that I pointed out the age and accompanying thing, however, I felt it was important to say. Please report this though. It does need to be properly followed up on by professionals.

These events happen regularly and this man may be travelling to several each month. His behaviour is totally unacceptable. I also would be having some conversations with your daughter about personal safety. She's fine to wear what she wants, people should not be taking photographs of her - I appreciate that her having ASD is going to make this harder, but the NSPCC will be able to support you if you need guidance on how to start and continue these conversations.

muckypup73 · 30/04/2017 16:20

How do you know that this man was zooming in on her breasts unless she actually saw the photo? Perhaps she has misconstrewed what actually happened as Asd children can quite often do. Also why was a 12 year old girl with Asd left unnatended???

SlowLifeLove · 30/04/2017 16:20

It is also not helpful to say that no harm has come to the daughter - this minimises what she has just experienced. We have no idea what that man's intentions were, or what those photographs are going to be used for (if anything), or where they will be shared.

YoniFucker · 30/04/2017 16:20

But how is someone taking a photo of them if they are not visible? Either the outfit is very low-cut or skintight? I can't imagine anyone taking a photo of covered up breasts in normal t-shirt.

Wow. Victim blaming, much? She should be able to wear whatever she likes. It's the man's responsibility not to take pictures of her breasts, not hers to cover them up.

Chippednailvarnishing · 30/04/2017 16:20

Under 16s were meant to have an adult with them full stop, there's no in theory about it. You shouldn't have relied on someone at a desk reminding you of your parental responsibilities. She's 12

This^
I can't quite put my finger on it, but I'm getting the vibe that you are trying to underplay this OP. A grown man has approached your DD, photographed her breasts and you seem rather “Oh well” about it.
You let your 12 year old go to an event for 16's+ in fancy dress, where you didn't supervisor her. You don’t seem particularly bothered about reporting it, as your DD won’t be able to remember what he looks like, but if this is the case why are you happy to allow her to go off without supervision?

I'm just relieved he didn't touch her.

DaviesMum · 30/04/2017 16:21

Ask if the venue can check their CCTV. If you explain why, I would hope they would be happy to help.

If you get his pic, I'd then be on to the police asap. What he did was just plain gross, I hope his dick falls off.

YoniFucker · 30/04/2017 16:22

It is also not helpful to say that no harm has come to the daughter - this minimises what she has just experienced

No, I agree. I used the wrong word. My point was that this is not the fault of the OP.

Original poster
WildBelle · 30/04/2017 16:22

I suppose the good thing is that As dd was dressed up in her cosplay she will be easily identifiable on cctv even if I don't have a description of the man.

I generally don't have to worry too much about her - she has crippling social anxiety as part of her ASD and won't even buy something in a shop on her own, so the chances of her getting into a conversation with someone and being convinced to go off with them are pretty much zero. She is very quiet and shy but also very switched on and mature for her age in a lot of ways, and isn't even remotely interested in boys (yet!).

OP posts:
SlowLifeLove · 30/04/2017 16:23

Do not ask the venue to check CCTV- contact the police

This man has said he was working at the event - they may destroy evidence.

Police or CEOP straight away.

elevenclips · 30/04/2017 16:23

Well he sounds like a filthy creep.
However since your dd agreed to the photo and he photographed her as she was (i.e. Didn't ask her to remove clothing) then I cannot see what crime/offence he could be done for. Being a dirty sleaze bag isn't a crime unfortunately.

LedaP · 30/04/2017 16:24

He was completely in the wrong and people like hin ruin these events.

I was at comicon a few weeks ago. No way would my dd (12) have gone alone. It pisses me off that people like him are about.

Taking photos of people in costumes is normal at these events. But people like him really make it uncomfortable.

SlowLifeLove · 30/04/2017 16:25

@YoniFucker No it's not the OPs fault.

@Wildbelle You do seem quite unaware about who peadofiles target. It can be anyone regardless of whether they are shy or extrovert, interested in boys or not.

WorraLiberty · 30/04/2017 16:25

Worra But how is someone taking a photo of them if they are not visible? Either the outfit is very low-cut or skintight?

Yes, so not 'out' then.

Original poster
WildBelle · 30/04/2017 16:25

Muckypup - I don't understand what you mean by that comment? People with ASD don't have to be chaperoned 24 hours a day, you know. How do you think dd gets herself to school and back if I'm working?

OP posts:
PurpleMinionMummy · 30/04/2017 16:25

You need to report this to the venue and the police. Is your dd ok?

Your dd agreeing to a random bloke taking pictures of her shows she's obviously not ready to be left in such situations.

Tiredperson · 30/04/2017 16:26

I do agree that what this man did is wrong. Report him yes. But I would also contact the organisation running these events.

Both the organisation and we as parents do have a responsibility not to let our children be unsupervised in events that are basically geared to adults. I know what a pain it is, have teenagers myself. That doesn't mean the OP has to beat herself up. But it clearly said under 16s must be accompanied for a reason. It should be a reminder to us all.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 30/04/2017 16:26

As you say, even if you had stayed, you wouldn't have been stood next to her the entire time, so it probably would have still happened. Don't blame yourself. The ONLY person to blame here is the pervy git.

How were the girls? If they were worried or upset I'd take it further, if they were fine I'd drop it. It's better to feel like she will tell you, than to feel like she won't because you'll blow it out of proportion or embarrass her etc.

Talk to her again about it being OK to tell people like that to go away, that not all people mean well etc.