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AIBU?

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Original poster

Did something very silly, please advise

362 replies

WhydoIfeelWeirdaboutthis · 29/04/2017 15:25

Went for a boozy work lunch yesterday (I work in banking, it was with my bosses) but held it together. My boss who is significsntly more senior than me then took us all out for a drink after. Everyone was fairly tipsy but holding it together.

I made the mistake of staying for one more drink with my boss after the others had left. One turned into another and then another, got progressively more drunk. He is married but separated I think and things are bad. I'm single and was being nice to him; guess he took this the wrong way as he then made a comment about how he knew what I was doing but was resisting (?) and kissed my cheek. I put him right and said that although he was attractive i wasn't interested. He also said I looked hot at various points in the evening.

We ended up going to a club at his suggestion (just us) and staying out. I missed plans I had with a friend as was very drunk.

I feel completely awful about it today even though nothing really happened (have a horrible feeling we may have held hands at some point?!), I'm not sure what I was thinking. I really wasn't after him but was just being nice - I can see how it would look that way though. I am scared I have lost his respect.

I was sick in the toilets at one point. I am worried about how to act when I get back to work. I feel like I have compromised my integrity.

OP posts:
notanevilstepmother · 30/04/2017 14:46

Drunk people flirted, it's not exactly hold the front page is it.

You didn't sleep with him, I wouldn't worry about it. Just go to work and get on with your job like nothing happened.

deckoff · 30/04/2017 14:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sheldonesque · 30/04/2017 15:09

I am with deckoff. I would worry too.

Did your dp not enter your mind?

Original poster
WhydoIfeelWeirdaboutthis · 30/04/2017 15:12

I'm single.

I understand why you think I may have wanted it to go further, and I regret it seemed like that but I honestly didn't. I was very naively enjoying the attention whilst also being off my face (probably had close to 20 units), it was incredibly irresponsible of me but I have always been bad at ending nights out and just going home! I'm not good at cutting myself off. I hand on heart didn't want to kiss him or sleep with him. I think I just stupidly liked the attention aspect and mild flirtation whilst also wanting him to see me as fun and like I could have a good time in an out of work context!

Really I should have stopped drinking and made my excuses to go home.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhydoIfeelWeirdaboutthis · 30/04/2017 15:15

It simply went far too far and after that much alcohol, confidence is high, inhibitions are massively lowered and everyone is your friend! I was hugging girls in the loos, making friends, just being a general nuisance. Was stupid, I shouldn't have taken the chance and now I will have the music.

My biggest fear is that he tells our tiny team that I was all over him (not true but he can spin it how he wants I guess), which I'm not sure how to counteract. They are all either blokey guys or very attractive composed girls (who I can guarantee have not put themselves in this situation!!) and will judge me.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhydoIfeelWeirdaboutthis · 30/04/2017 15:17

Ideal scenario is I go into work, say hi, do a good job, he keeps schtum about his being inappropriate, we work together and manage to forget this and build a good working dynamic. Oh and I never let myself be the last one standing ever again...!

OP posts:
sheldonesque · 30/04/2017 15:22

Sorry that you broke up with your dp.

Either that or I have you confused with someone else...

Original poster
WhydoIfeelWeirdaboutthis · 30/04/2017 15:28

I'm single, have been for three years. I did refer to having a dp in another thread, I had changed a few details, he's not actually my dp (different relationship!) Sorry if that's confused anyone, I'm not a troll, this is completely genuine much as I wish it was not. The situation in the other thread was also 99% accurate although dp used as shorthand for a different v close family member relationship. Hope that makes snes!!

OP posts:
NotYoda · 30/04/2017 15:28

Maybe drink less, if it's something you do regularly. I know it seems like it helps anxiety but it's an illusion. I am much older than you and of course being slightly out of control is fun when you are younger, but maybe this is a warning?

TheBogQueen · 30/04/2017 15:30

It's ok. It really is.

Go Into work, smile be friendly and even a bit sheepish at your drunkenness. He won't say anything.

Most people have done silly things when out drinking with colleagues.
Mainly it's mild flirtation, oversharing and sometimes spirals into something a bit more serious.

Go in with head held high. be friendly and professional. It might help to clear the sit with your boss but you need to judge that -sometimes it's better to just let it go.

And don't beat yourself up. If your workplace culture includes boozy lunches then you were clearly unprepared for it. Next time stick to water and the odd glass of wine. Have a cab booked for a certain time and get in it when it turns up. Share with a colleague if it helps. Don't stay out -it will get messy.

You will laugh about this in a few months I promise Wine

Original poster
WhydoIfeelWeirdaboutthis · 30/04/2017 15:31

Absolutely Yoda. I need to! I'm not an alcoholic at all but seem to drink as much as humanly possible on nights out which is ridiculous.

OP posts:
MarshaBrady · 30/04/2017 15:35

Nothing happened, sounds like you were both drunk as skunks. There probably is a mutual attraction, which came out when you both got so drunk.

But just forget about it. He's married, you're single, so if anyone has reason to reflect on the behaviour it's him.

Just be professional and stop fretting over it.

ambereeree · 30/04/2017 15:37

Don't worry OP he's probably shitting himself right now about it all. He won't mention it and neither will anyone else because he's senior.

TheBogQueen · 30/04/2017 15:42

Oh he will definitely not be telling anyone about how he , as a senior member of staff, embarked on a drunken bar crawl with a young attractive member of his team. The stupid arse. Hmm

TheMysteriousJackelope · 30/04/2017 15:49

It is entirely likely that he is sitting at home thinking 'What the Hell was I thinking? That poor graduate, she must think I'm a perv. Will she complain to HR for sexual harassment? Will she have taken things the wrong way and try to flirt with me at work? What the Hell was I thinking?'.

Go into work, act professionally, don't mention it, and if he does laugh it off as a previous poster said with 'I've got to know my alcohol limits better, I'm sure I was spouting nonsense most of the evening, and can't remember a lot of it, ugh, it won't happen again'.

sadsquid · 30/04/2017 15:52

He's probably been feeling just as paranoid that you're going to tell everyone he was perving on you. Sounds like the horrors are off you a bit, which is good! You didn't do anything awful, didn't shag him, didn't snog him, just got a bit silly and messy. As did he. And as somebody 15 years older who is your senior at work, it's even more important for him to behave appropriately.

Chin up, act as if none of it happened.

ecuse · 30/04/2017 16:11

We've all been there :)

I know you feel like a total tit, but it happens to most of us some time or other, and then we learn how important it is not to cross the line from pleasantly tipsy to embarassingly hammered when out with coleagues. Congratulate yourself: you've learned this early, and with an incident that was fundamentally not a big deal. High fives all round I think Wink.

And remember: he's a partner, you're a grad. And he went along with the flirting/inappropriate drunkenness. He should NEVER have carried on with just you, and he's long enough in the tooth to know it. In that context, the VERY worst that could happen to you is he loses respect for you and it affects his opinion of you personally and profesionally. However, as long as it doesn't happen again and you perform well at your job, it would be illegal of him to let it affect your career prospects. But the worst case scenario for HIM is being sued.

Given that, there are two realistic scenarios here:

a) he was equally shitfaced and made the same error of judgement you did - and is beating himself up in the same way you are, but with an extra layer of angst cause he's the married one who put himself at risk of a lawsuit
b) he's a practiced law-firm-partner sleaze, who used the opportunity of a hammered grad who didn't want to offend her boss to give himself something on the spectrum that runs from ego-boost to blow-job. In which case he'll give it no more thought and move on.

I think in either scenario you'll probably be okay as long as you get your head down and do a good job and this doesnt become a habit rather than a misjudgement.

I would caveat that by saying that if you start to feel this IS impacting your career (if he's treating you unfairly for example) then I would take it to HR as I think you'd be veering into sexual harassment territory. I dont say this to freak you out, I think it's much more likely that nothing will come of this and he'll be just as mortified as you. Just to say that if your career is affected because of this you mustn't think you have to just suck it up. He's the senior one and he therefore behaved more irresponsibly than you in being out, drunk, alone with you. Nothing wrong in that in itself, but if it starts to affect your career, it would be wrong.

geminigeminee · 30/04/2017 16:20

Urgh without outing myself though I may potentially have to work with him for years! I want him to respect me. Hoping he was hammered and can't remember anything?

geminigeminee · 30/04/2017 16:20

Whoops name change sorry

ImNotReallyReal · 30/04/2017 16:24

Been there done that. Boss asked me to his room to stroke his hair because his wife didn't 😱 There are numerous other stories I could tell in a 30 year city career. I'm a partner now.

You've got the drink horrors. A good meal, lots of water and a decent sleep is needed.

He's probably just as mortified as you (or he's a sleaze and tries it on with all the grads). Go in on Tuesday as if nothing happened. It will never be mentioned again. Trust me.

If you're in law or work for a Big 4 you've learned your lesson early. You just got your big girl pants Grin

SouthPole · 30/04/2017 16:30

If I'd tried to fuck a trainee I'd be going everything I could to keep it from my other partners.

If he kicks you off your team, kick up a mighty fuss. You're not to blame here.

geminigeminee · 30/04/2017 16:33

The other partner (top one) is a massive creep though and would probably find it hilarious. I'm just so paranoid it will be made out into me throwing myself at him!

propertypriceguide · 30/04/2017 16:38

He won't say anything, he comes out of it looking far worse than you do.

geminigeminee · 30/04/2017 16:50

Honestly?

propertypriceguide · 30/04/2017 16:53

I would eat my hat if he said anything to anyone else.

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