Elderly (so 70+) relatives who make racist remarks in general conversation ...

[Laiste]

do you personally challenge it or do you ignore?

If you've challenged, what's happened?

I didn't confront my FIL the last time he was racist in front of DC, I just said, "Don't listen to Grandad." Direct confrontation just ends in him trying harder to shock, so I don't do it now.

I sort of expect it from him, but I was really shocked at my niece's racism, using of the P word for the local shop and "Ch...s" for the Chinese takeaway. Sorry to say I didn't confront her either.

In my position it's fair on myself to let it go, as I say I don't want the last memories to be of arguing or chastising them over words they won't be around to use anymore

anna I used to work for a consultant who would be in his 70s now.
He used that phrase. I was in my 20s and a humble secretary. I told him it was unacceptable. He looked shocked. I really don't think he knew because no one had ever pointed it out to him. Not pointing it out is pretty much the same as telling something 'yeah thats fine' everytime they say it IMO.

A colleague mad me laugh 'Mr XXXX can't be racist, he was born and grew up in Barbados'. Yeah because rich white men who grow up in The Colonies could never be racist could they

Personally I think there are different kinds of racism. There is the casual, ingrained 'oh I don't mean YOU love' type that my parents/grandparents would have indulged in and there is the targeted, deliberate stuff 'P's go home' and violence against non white or immigrants

I am not saying either is ok. Both are dangerous and harmful.

I think one of the issues with people from a different generation is that the humour and terminology that is / was acceptable changes so much over time.

I'm sure I have accidentally used terminology that would be offensive to the generation below me, and I'm 38 (and don't think I'm racist).

I would gently correct the worst racist terms, and would certainly challenge racist beliefs (as opposed to "just" using an outdated term with no bad intention). But otherwise - language changes so quickly, and I wouldn't want to make someone approaching their last years feel as though they can't say anything, particularly in cases where their mental capacity may not be sufficient to easily keep track of the "new" terminology.

Part of the reason we didn't let it go was that we were worried in case my mum said something like that to a health worker. I don't see why they should have to put up with that. There were no arguments and I don't remember it souring the atmosphere - we'd just tell her it was a really offensive and upsetting thing to say.

My relative doesn't have a health worker atm, I guess if she does and I'm there I'd try my best to prempt and stop it as we do now or talk over so the worker knows my position. if I couldn't I'd speak to the worker afterwards about it to see how they feel about it and take it from there.

I'm glad it didnt sour things for you. Sadly I think it would in our case. She'd probably get extremely upset and not want to see anyone which would make it hard to help care for her.

I challenge any body who is racist once or twice, and if they make a big deal out of saying it over and over in my presence I don't even bother to argue with stupidity. I just roll my eyes or face palm or "seriously?!" And minimise contact.

I've had an older relative tell a story about a "huge black n**r" he saw and his partner (same age) was mortified! She quickly said "I THINK YOU MEAN BLACK GENTLMAN"

Shes my hero hahaha but alas he still uses the slur and we just interrupt every time he says it with "black man/woman" and he gets annoyed.

Life is too short to argue with people who don't want to change.

My Dad referred to his Asian doctor as "that funny eyed Chinky". I walked away.

Slightly off topic, but my Mum refers to her gay neighbour as "XXXXX - you know - that poofy one" (does a limp wrist and jutting hip). I call her on it and ask if she would like to repeat that in front of my gay friend.

Both in their mid 70s. No excuse. I wouldn't accept it from a 5 year old and I won't accept it from a 70 year old.

It's nothing to do with "how things have changed" either. We don't burn people we think are witches anymore, or apply leeches when we are ill. We all know better and should behave so.

Do I challenge the elderly or do I challenge racists? Or are all elderly racist? (And therefore you are ageist)

AIBU to challenge racism?? Is anybody really going to say yes??
YABU to be ageist

badknee have you read the thread?

I find it rather strange that people would take it up with a relative, probably an elderly relative, to defend unknown strangers. I think that is anti family which is every bit and probably worse than being racist.
When I was at school there were no pupils who were not born and bred in the UK as were there parents and grandparents. At that point there had not been the influx there has been now.
This is not some little backwater, this is a major city. I am not as chronologically gifted as some of the examples given.
I wait to see what people are like to me and how they treat others long before judging on skin tone.

Thank you to those who've understood and answered without the dogma.

I veer between gah and meek tbh. DM doesn't have much contact with the wider world and so isn't offensive in public or to any care workers ect. She's not confrontational, it's her attitude behind closed doors really. I don't want to start arguments with her at this point. I do pull her up on direct inaccuracies, eye roll at unpleasant opinions. I would correct her on terms, but that doesn't seem to be the issue.

I put them right in a sarcy way and hope they get the general jist.
It's a shame that many were brought up with racism and whilst I could never condone their attitude, I tend to let it go with sarcasm if it's a relative not seen often.
Anyone else I'd be a bit more forceful iyswim.

My dh grandma been dead about 14 years now, but she used to say things like "I hope any of them lot aren't your friends" when she saw someone who was black They should get back to where they came from to which I'd tell her they came from round the corner and were born in her town.
This country is for British people. Yes, grandma he's British, second or third generation actually

Oh, I am walking this walk with you op. The older generations of my family are exactly the same. They also insist they're not racist and get very offended at the suggestion. While at the same time coming out with gems like how much they love Cornwall, 'you don't see a single black face'.

And I do think age is relevant. They grew up in a much more racist time than today, or even 20 years ago, these views were cemented in when young and racist language was normal and you could even legally discriminate against people.

I don't think all older people are racist, my parents certainly weren't.
They would be in their 80's now.
I found an old photo from a Christmas when I was 3, thought it was odd I'd been bought a white doll and a black one.
Couldn't ask parents as they had been long gone.
Doing a bit of history as I'm into studying for fun and worked out it was the xmas following the river of blood speech in 1969.
They obviously thought it important to raise me without prejudice.

I can remember the signs on the doors, no blacks, or Irish.
Although, obviously at that age I didn't read so had no idea. It's only now I see that racism was all around me growing up.
There were only white British kids at the schools in our area then, we only saw black people if we went to a large city like Birmingham.

My old grandad used to use all sorts of racist language but not actually in a nasty way. His mates of other ethnicities/nationalities let it slide and called him some pretty offensive things too so we just left them to it. I'm not sure they realised that the p word for Asians and their jokes about slavery were bad!

Oh ffs. I feel like whoever it was said sex was invented in 1963! Do people really think there were no equal rights campaigners or anti racism activism before 1980? That somehow all the racists in this country are over 70 and all young people are bastions of equality and defenders of racial harmony?

It is ridiculous to suggest that older people have any excuse to be racist.

Mind you, if you read a certain other thread, you'd learn that it's perfectly fine for elderly gentlemen to be sexist...

My nan is getting worse as she gets older. She's nearly 90 and very naive about the media - she reads the Mail and the local newspaper. There was an article in the local rag which I knew was bollocks because it was about me (not by name but about my job and something I had done) and when I told her what actually happened, which was very different from how it was reported, she was genuinely confused and said "but how can they print it if it isn't true?" So she believes everything that the Mail says about "forriners" because she doesn't think that people would have any motivation to lie in the media.

She's not an educated woman, she never went to school, so she has simple views. I challenge her though, she doesn't seem to actually hold her own racist views, they are directly from what she reads.

My in laws. Ugh. They see nothing wrong with it and are very set in their ways.
I say something. I get shit for it every time.

We had some very, very elderly relatives (now deceased) who very enthusiastically told us about the 'darkie nurse' at their care home - they adored her, just had no idea that it wasn't an appropriate way to refer to her. When we gently pointed this out they were absolutely mortified that they might have been rude, because they were nice, thoughtful people.
Age is no excuse whatsoever.

For God's sake. I'm in my 70s. We weren't brought up in a cave, wearing skins and dragging our knuckles. We were young in the 1960s - a more free-wheeling liberated lot than many of the millennials.

People are racist or they're not. Haven't noticed too many geriatrics in the English Defence League.

But for sure a hell of a lot of MNetters are ageist .

Who cares if they're in their 70s? Does that mean they are frail old dears who can't handle hearing the truth?

Some people are racist, some people are not. It has nothing to do with age.

I definitely think it's ok for them to be confused on what is and what isn't ok now, as a PP mentions the phrase coloured is deemed offensive but when I was a kid (and I'm 30! Not 70) it was deemed less offensive than black. only very recently was I told that it's offensive to use coloured, about 9-10 months ago in fact.
I'd posted an advert on a fb group when I lost my phone and mentioned I'd only just got out of a taxi when I realised it was gone: people asked for details of what the driver looked like and what car he had. I used the term coloured then, and while I would've been ok with people pointing out it wasn't the right term to use anymore I was quite upset to have around 12 people call me racist (I apologised and edited after the first comment) I think in those cases regardless of age you should be forgiven but that's different to "them poles coming here and stealing all da jobzzzz and our womanz should be deported" which should always be challenged.

This is an issue in our family - my Mums generation!! I honestly despair. Couldn't speak to her for a while after the Brexit vote ( she is an ardent UKIPPER).
I think for her and some of her contemporaries they have not been out in the workplace for many decades ( in my Mums case 40 years). The social scene for her is made up of mates who all share the same views.
We challenge her but she is very set in her views, my son just openly takes the piss. " it's all the fault of those muslims isn't it Grandma?" He says whenever there isn't a parking place or suchlike on the weekly shopping trip.