Elderly (so 70+) relatives who make racist remarks in general conversation ...

[Laiste]

do you personally challenge it or do you ignore?

If you've challenged, what's happened?

dinosaursandtea - Using outdated terms IS racist, though.

Would you/have you had to pull up a relative on it dino? Genuine Q.

Theres an entire nursing home full of racist, sexist and homophobic people down the road. Most are late 80's though. I volunteered there to visit and sit and chat about lovely things with them because many don't have family to visit them. Not one of the residents were pulled up on their language and they all have opinions best kept to themselves.

Its easy to say 'they should know better' or 'have they been living under a rock and just not noticed we've moved on' etc but some of them didn't have TV's, they read the 'Sun and Mail' and for the majority of their life time its not been an issue to use old fashioned offensive language.

I'm not obsessed with anything batgirl. I'm simply asking if you'd tackle an older relative over their views.

The answer from you is obviously yes. That's fine. Have you had to do it? Was there a lot of upset?

OP, I get what you mean.

I think - as a general rule - older people are more likely to use the sorts of terms that are considered offensive now. And are more likely to be a bit more blunt in what they say (I know I've got more forthright in expressing my opinions as I've aged!)

I challenge casual racism about 80% of the time. Sometimes I CBA to have the same argument over and over. Sometimes I just want to have a chat without it being an argument, so I pretend I didn't hear the comment and either carry on or change the subject. I know I should do more, but when it's close family members it is hard

Sorry op yes my post was aggressive. Er yes I tell my mother not to use certain words and how hurtful they are and she always stops. She does it again mind you

I guess she's just careless and not nasty though. A nasty racist might react differently.

I ignore my 99 yr old aunt when she says anything prejudiced. I can't challenge someone who is on their last legs.

My father had racist, outdated views. He was also over 70, had advanced Parkinsons and tbh, he wasn't going to be around much more so it really didn't matter much what he thought. My mother had similar views but was in good health and could easily live 20 years more. I have challenged her and she had adjusted her views. So in other words, I don't think there is one rule for all - you just have to use common sense in the situation you are in.

All the racism I hear comes from younger people, not older people. And yes, I challenge it.

My grandparents use incorrect terminology but their intentions are never to offend, I gently remind them of what's appropriate or not. My in laws on the other hand are islamaphobic, I have called them out on it, it got heated, they agreed they are and were not one bit bothered. Now I simply leave the room if they comment they know my feelings. MIL is the child of an imagrant but that's different because they aren't Muslim.

My DF does occasionally say things in an un-PC way. He is not racist but acceptable terminology has changed a lot even in the last 20 years. He also refers to things (often loudly) as being gay. He uses the word in the original sense so maybe 'don't those flowers look gay' or 'that is a very gay outfit you are wearing' meaning bright, colourful and happy.

Thank you bat.

Yes, this it the crux of it i guess. To cause an argument or bad feeling every time.

My mother made me absolutely want the ground to open and swallow me up recently in front of a stranger visiting her house. I didn't challenge her. I keep thinking about it.

Exactly, age does not make you racist, they were racist in their 20s, 30's, 40's etc and now they are older, they are still racist. There are racist young people now, who will probably grow up to be elderly who are racist.

I ignore and change the subject. Let's face it 70's is shuffling very close to the Reaper and I'd rather not make their last season of life into a string of arguments. I wouldn't want that to be a memory of them.

My mum's developing dementia and racism is slipping out.

Not just racism either, blondes get a rough ride too because she thinks they're stupid. Can't think of other examples. She kind of slags off everyone.

Some days are better than others.

She's basically read the Daily Mail and believed it.

I have to ignore it. It's not worth the argument. It's like banging your head against a wall. My dad says she just says what other people are thinking, which is kind of true if you read the mail and mix with like minded people.

My FIL makes a lot of racist comments. It's not an eldery thing though, it's an ignorant fucker thing. Yes I do pull him up on it as does DH. Last time he visited he used the term "the in the woodpile". We both told him that using that sort of language was totally unacceptable and to never use it again in front of our children.

Watching Strictly with him was a joy - it was a never ending stream of disgusting language about Lesley Joseph being Jewish, Judge Rinder being gay, Ore being black...

The 70s were incredibly racist.
People who were in 'their prime' i.e. at their most powerful, when people listened to them and respected them etc in the 70s may well believe that its ok to be racist now.
The would have been educated by an inherently racist education system and been an adult during a time when racism was seen as perfectly acceptable and normal. As they got older in 80s, 90s, 2000s how likely is it that they would have been challenged?
You see it all the time on MN 'they are old they don't know any better'

None of it is an excuse. Of course it should be challenged.

I don't want to listen to that shit and I certainly don't want my kids to be subjected to it.

My il are very much like this and I have endless arguments with them . My parents are the same age and are the complete opposite. My mil said to me once " if dd got pregnant by a coloured man you would make her have an abortion wouldn't you?" I was fuming and soon put her right. Also when my daughter introduced her mixed race boyfrend for the first time my fil would not shake hands with him . So rude . They really like him now btw but that's not the point. Personally I don't keep quiet I am afraid , I pull them up on it.

Oh and just to add, my mum and dad aren't racist at all but will still used terms like "coloured" as that's what they were taught and they're trying so hard not to be insulting to anyone. If you gently correct their terminology they are mortified.

That's different to people using racist language because they're ignorant fuckers.

If I use language that's no longer acceptable when I'm old, I very much hope that someone will have the decency to put me straight. Sounds like some of you don't think it's worth the trouble. Thanks for that, thanks very much.

Tried to resign from a job because the boss used 'n* in the woodpile' in a meeting. He was a doctor aged now about 70. Wasn't brave enough to challenge him but just didn't want to work there. He apologised but ended up sounding aggrieved as if I'd victimised him by resigning. I stayed another few months. So I was weak, ineffective AND condoned racism. Great job!

My mum used "coloured" when I was younger and I said "actually generally people don't use coloured any more" and she was like "why" and I explained using the reasoning that my friends who are black told me and she said "well I won't say it any more then" and that was it. Easy.

We spend more time justifying what we say rather than actually thinking about it.

It's hard sometimes Flo, but for me I know they haven't got long left, I don't want to sour the last month's/year/whatever we have left together. No for me it's not worth it. They aren't going to change sadly.

Definitely call them on it. Sometimes I'll do it gently, by just pointing out that such-and-such a word is now considered very rude, but repeat offenders get the full 5 minute lecture. My ex-MIL was always coming out with vile stuff, and would insist that she wasn't racist, my response was that she should stop using racist words then, as everyone would think she was. She got the idea eventually and started using much more appropriate language.

The worst offender I know is DP's BiL, who is a racist, sexist, tax-dodging, millionaire bully. I call him out regularly, and it sometimes leads to him losing his shit and getting verbally pretty aggressive towards me. This can make family gatherings rather dramatic, with his wife generally turning on him too and then dissolving in tears. He's only in his 40's though!

Anyone want to join us all at MIL's for lunch on Monday?

My mum's language regressed in her 90s and she started using terms like 'nigger brown'again. I won't pretend it wasn't tempting to pretend not to hear sometimes but she was still mostly lucid, living in the world and dealing with carers, hospital appointments etc. I don't think it would have been fair on anyone to let it go.