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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming with DDs secondary school over 'fuck boy'.

573 replies

Shitonmyshoe · 27/04/2017 23:34

Just that! For those who don't know, girls now call sexually aggressive/promiscuous boys 'fuck boy'. My daughter has no interest in lads and is only bothered about her GCSEs (very studious but outgoing kid). Today a lad in her year placed his index and middle finger to his face and wriggled his tongue between them (classy) towards my daughter. She told him, 'get out of my face fuck boy' which has resulted in her being punished via a detention. For background she is less than 5 foot in yr 10 and he is well over 6 foot and obviously trains (shithouse wall). Apparently, reason DD was punished was because she was being aggressive 😂

OP posts:
NotTheDuchessOfCambridge · 28/04/2017 07:38

Your daughter swore in school, got punished. Get a grip OP. If you have a problem with what the boy did, I suggest you go to the school. There are plenty of responses she could have given without resorting to fuck boy, stop justifying it by saying it's a language he understands. Hmm
What he did was wrong and he may be some sort of scummy little rat but your daughter gave him the response he wanted and she ended up being punished.

Sparklingbrook · 28/04/2017 07:39

It was horrific Saor. He had to change schools in the end.

The OP needs to go into school and find out exactly what happened.

Sparklingbrook · 28/04/2017 07:39

Exactly Duchess.

Crumbs1 · 28/04/2017 07:40

Swearing in school was wrong and deserved sanctioning.
This is only one side of story.
Fuming st school seems a bit OTT.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 28/04/2017 07:40

Sparklingbrook that's awful, I'm so sorry. Sounds like his school failed him terribly. Bullying seems to be getting worse, especially with the advent of social media and chat apps. My DSD suffered terribly and nobody did a thing until I printed off 56 pages of bile and threatened to wallpaper the parents' houses with them!

KazenoTaninoNaushika · 28/04/2017 07:41

@SaorAlbaGuBrath You are absolutely spot on! Sorry your DD had to go through that, OP, and to have her be punished while the vile little shit got off scot-free, has probably made you rightly quite angry and upset. I totally get how having one's kid sexually harassed has maybe (along with lack of sleep?) made you not as accepting of the spectrum of viewpoints on this thread as you might have been over a less emotive issue. I think all those folk jumping to report you haven't walked in your shoes on this one.

WateryTart · 28/04/2017 07:41

I'd be on the phone this morning asking what they were doing about this boy sexually harassing my daughter.

Emboo19 · 28/04/2017 07:41

I don't agree that swearing as a response to something worse, should be ok with school. Would parents be ok if a teacher swore at a child? We had some male pupils make sexual innuendos to female teachers, the teachers wouldn't/didn't swear in response. The boys were punished though!

Same goes with physical violence, there's a huge difference between physically protecting yourself and using physical violence as retaliation.
When I was at school one boy got into a fight after being called racist comments, he basically knocked the shit out of the other boy and tbf almost everyone barring the other boys friends, were cheering him on.
He was punished though as fighting is not tolerated. The circumstances of it were taken into consideration as was his normally very good behaviour, still school couldn't let him get away with it.

Far more need to be done about sexual harassment in schools and as a parent I wouldn't be letting the boys behaviour and lack of punishment slide.

Sparklingbrook · 28/04/2017 07:41

This is only one side of story.

Yes this too.

KazenoTaninoNaushika · 28/04/2017 07:43

@Saor I meant "spot on" for this post: "I cannot actually believe that people are saying the OPs DD was wrong and that she should have been punished. Getting all prissy about swearing on MN has got to be the most ironic thing I've ever heard. He is a dirty, disrespectful little shit and OPs DD did right IMO. The gesture he did makes my stomach turn, it's disgusting.
We read on here often about how pervs should be told to fuck off or that women have the right to defend themselves from lechery and sexual aggression. Does that not apply to teenage girls? Bullshit.
OP, well done your DD for telling that little twat where to go and defending herself."

Sparklingbrook · 28/04/2017 07:44

This was in school. It makes a difference.

sailorcherries · 28/04/2017 07:45

My issue isn't the swearing, my issue is the derogatory sexual remark made back at the boy making the girl no worse or better than him.

Again, if a girl made a wanker gesture at a boy and the boy retaliated by calling her a 'slut' he would be flamed for his language.

It cannot be seen as acceptable to allow girls to verbally degrade men because of their promiscuity but, on the flip side, cry sexual harrassment if a man uses the same turn of phrase.

Regardless of whether individual posters believe them to be of the same level, they both have the same connotations. You cannot accept any form of sexual harrassment be it actions, gestures or words from either sex or you do not get to pick at choose because you have a vagina.

Sparklingbrook · 28/04/2017 07:46

Anyway, I'm out. The OP will be back shortly no doubt to berate anyone not in agreement.

Hopefully they will find out exactly what went on at some point.

KazenoTaninoNaushika · 28/04/2017 07:50

All these folk who keep saying that the OP's DD could have given a different, more decorous response aren't appreciating the visceral disgust that the girl must have felt as the boy made that horrific gesture. Her (adolescent) brain didn't have the powers of adult reasoning at that moment to think about "appropriate language"; she just instantly responded in the way that reflected her disgust. I'm a bloody adult, yet "FUCK OFF!!" would be MY instant response if a man did that to me in the street Angry !!

BellyDancer124 · 28/04/2017 07:50

The height part made me laugh. Totally irrelevant Hmm both should have been punished.

sailorcherries · 28/04/2017 07:51

There is a difference between "fuck off" and "fuck off slut".

hackmum · 28/04/2017 07:53

I'm astonished - and depressed - at the number of people on here who think the girl deserved to be punished.

If a man came up to you in the street - a man much taller and stronger than you - and made a sexually aggressive gesture, what would you do? Meekly accept it and move on? Or say something rude back to him?

The idea that it doesn't matter who started it, that both are equally to blame, despite the fact that one person was the aggressor and the other person responding to aggression, doesn't just demonstrate victim-blaming, it demonstrates a profoundly skewed moral compass. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Etaina · 28/04/2017 07:55

OP if no teacher witnessed what happened, why did your Dd end up being punished? Did someone else report it? (sorry if you've answered this already, I just skimmed through quickly).

I agree with other posters that you should put in a formal complaint about the boy's behaviour. Your Dd should not have been subjected to this vile behaviour. It seems so unfair that she was the one who was punished.

However, if you do put in a complaint or have a meeting with the school, I would gently suggest trying to remain calm as this always gets better results. I'm sure that you are very reasonable in real life, but on this thread you do appear to be rather aggressive in your responses to anyone who disagrees with you. Surely you must have expected a range of responses on MN. For me, that's the whole point of coming on here, to listen to other people's points of view and gain a different perspective. If you are so certain that you are not being unreasonable, why did you bother asking the question?

CharlieSierra · 28/04/2017 07:55

This was in school. It makes a difference

Ok, so no behaviour warrants swearing in school in your opinion. In that case there must be zero tolerance of sexual harassment. The minute you punish her for reacting, you teach her that her behaviour is on a par with his, you introduce victim blaming. Someone said boys make comments to teachers. That is entirely missing the point, the teacher is in the position of power. The teacher can have the boy dealt with. This 'banter' excuse has to stop.

Kennethwasmyfriend · 28/04/2017 07:59

An incredibly aggressive original poster. Do try to rein yourself in when you go to talk to the school as you won't help your daughter otherwise. I've haven't seen anywhere that there was a conversation with the teacher to explain the reason for the swearing? If the teacher saw neither the gesture nor the response (as I think OP said) then why the detention? I don't think detentions would reduce sexually offensive behaviour but lessons in PSE might. Though frankly a school where teachers are swearing is one I'd give up on.

HMWelsch · 28/04/2017 08:02

vile, stomach-churning, [make me] depressed, horrific, visceral disgust...

This thread is incredible!

I wonder if the OP will return to acknowledge that sexual harassment in retaliation to sexual harassment isn't something to be lauded.

msgrinch · 28/04/2017 08:02

Both as bad as eachother. Both should be punished. Hardly postworthy. Though she doesn't sound that "studious/legendary/amazing" if she's using language like that.

KazenoTaninoNaushika · 28/04/2017 08:03

@sailor But there actually isn't really a true equivalent of "slut" that can be directed towards a male because of the ingrained misogyny/power structures that suggests a boy is a stud but a girl is a whore in sexual matters. I'm pretty sure that "fuckboi" is NOT internalised by a guy in the same way that "slut" or "whore" is internalised by a girl.

KazenoTaninoNaushika · 28/04/2017 08:04

@HMWelsch how you can even accuse the girl in this case of "sexual harassment" beggars belief!!!

DirtyChaiLatte · 28/04/2017 08:05

CharlieSierra

So you think swearing in SCHOOL in the right context is OK?

So a 7 year old in primary school should be allowed to in the right context?