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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming with DDs secondary school over 'fuck boy'.

573 replies

Shitonmyshoe · 27/04/2017 23:34

Just that! For those who don't know, girls now call sexually aggressive/promiscuous boys 'fuck boy'. My daughter has no interest in lads and is only bothered about her GCSEs (very studious but outgoing kid). Today a lad in her year placed his index and middle finger to his face and wriggled his tongue between them (classy) towards my daughter. She told him, 'get out of my face fuck boy' which has resulted in her being punished via a detention. For background she is less than 5 foot in yr 10 and he is well over 6 foot and obviously trains (shithouse wall). Apparently, reason DD was punished was because she was being aggressive 😂

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 28/04/2017 07:14

Totally agree with you Maisy.

FlapAttack78 · 28/04/2017 07:14

Your DD is in the wrong . She shouldnt have called him that. He shouldn't have done what he did either. Maybe you could have a chat with her and help her formulate more appropriate ways to deal with situations like this as her response could have antagonised with situation more.

The hypothetical girl making the W wanker symbol at a boy and him replying telling her to "get out my face, Whore" is a good way to realise that your daughter s choice of response was worthy of being pulled up.on.

StealthPolarBear · 28/04/2017 07:14

It's not about making it even or any such childish aims. It's about reacting appropriately to sexual aggression. And tbh I think saying "fuck off" woukd be my reaction too.

Annahibiscuits · 28/04/2017 07:18

No, the girl should not be punished for her language!! The boy deserved a thump. And if she had done that, she shouldn't be punished either

Girls should not be punished for defending themselves against sexual harassment

mrsmuddlepies · 28/04/2017 07:18

OP you have posted in AIBU and yet you are crudely abusive to anyone who offers a different perspective on the issue to you. I have reported you along with many other posters. Bullying tactics are inappropriate in a discussion. Read back through your own comments and ask yourself if your language is acceptable in debate.

KoalaDownUnder · 28/04/2017 07:18

So, some posters think it's okay for teenagers to retaliate if someone wrongs them by using 'fuck'. At school.

Glad I didn't go to a school like that.

Emboo19 · 28/04/2017 07:19

Did the teacher not see or hear either exchange then op?

I think what he did was much worse and he should have been punished. Did your daughter tell the teacher what he'd done? Maybe a bit embarrassing to explain, but did the teacher understand what he was implying with the gesture?

I'd be most definitely complaining that he hasn't been punished and be expecting that he is.

At my secondary school, being heard swearing was a instant detention though and if that's her school policy, fair enough. You had to he heard though. If another child said you said, then it wouldn't necessarily be a detention.

And he should still have been punished more severely.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 28/04/2017 07:19

I cannot actually believe that people are saying the OPs DD was wrong and that she should have been punished. Getting all prissy about swearing on MN has got to be the most ironic thing I've ever heard. He is a dirty, disrespectful little shit and OPs DD did right IMO. The gesture he did makes my stomach turn, it's disgusting.
We read on here often about how pervs should be told to fuck off or that women have the right to defend themselves from lechery and sexual aggression. Does that not apply to teenage girls? Bullshit.
OP, well done your DD for telling that little twat where to go and defending herself.

PoochSmooch · 28/04/2017 07:22

Like mrsterry said above, life lessons all round.

She's been taught that the school won't address sexual harassment, so she has to. He's been taught that he won't be punished for sexual harassment, so he'll keep doing it, I expect.

The word "fuckboi" is low level - it doesn't have anything like the baggage that "slut" does, you can't really compare them. I'm a sensible, middle aged generally calm professional woman and I think I would lose my shit if someone did that gesture to me - it's obscene and aggressive. It's miles away in intention and effect from calling someone a fuckboi!

A quiet word about not swearing in class would have been sufficient punishment for your daughter, OP.

I wonder what the girls at the school would tell us about the culture of the school and how much harassment they're expected to put up with?

Sparklingbrook · 28/04/2017 07:23

It's not being 'prissy about swearing' but this is a school setting where I would hope swearing is not tolerated.

I think his behaviour deserved an eye roll and a 'grow up'. He did it to get a reaction and that's exactly what he got.

But I know that's not what the OP wants to hear....

KoalaDownUnder · 28/04/2017 07:23

Saor. Well, I cannot actually believe that you can't see the difference between writing swear words on an Internet forum, and verbally calling someone a 'fuck boi' at school.

BoneyBackJefferson · 28/04/2017 07:23

Annahibiscuits

The boy deserved a thump. And if she had done that, she shouldn't be punished either

There you go violence is the answer and its excusable.

Both were I work would get a sanction.

Hers less than his. (if the teacher saw it)
If the teacher didn't see it, and she reported it, she would still get a sanction but his actions would be investigated and he would be sanctioned on the result of the investigation.

FlapAttack78 · 28/04/2017 07:25

I can't believe some people think that if wronged it's ok to cast aside all school.rules in your response!!! Where woukd that lead? I called him x because he made a sexual gesture at me. I pushed her as she SWORE at me. I slapped him as he PUSHED ME. I kicked her to the floor because she SLAPPED ME.

As a teacher you can't go around saying "oh bravo yes he deserved to be called a FuckBoi.. well done stnding up for yourself ..High Five! !!"

Sparklingbrook · 28/04/2017 07:25

I do think there may be more to this than we are being told too.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 28/04/2017 07:26

I think his behaviour deserved an eye roll and a 'grow up'. He did it to get a reaction and that's exactly what he got

You might as well have written "boys will be boys". His actions were disgusting.

Koala

Yes the fact that a hard working student, who doesn't get stoned or make crude gestures/comments, used a swear word is absolutely the problem here. Not that he's a perv and the school are enabling/allowing sexual aggression towards teenage girls. Hmm

If my DD swore at someone without reason I'd be furious and tell her it was unacceptable. If she swore at someone who had done that to her I'd tell her well done!

Sparklingbrook · 28/04/2017 07:27

I have two teen boys myself Saor. I do not believe the 'boys will be boys' thing actually. Hmm

CharlieSierra · 28/04/2017 07:27

So, some posters think it's okay for teenagers to retaliate if someone wrongs them by using 'fuck'. At school.

I do in this case. He sexually harassed her. The response was warranted. He should have been suspended. I can't believe the number of people here who think it's as bad to swear as to sexually harass. No wonder it's still happening to women and girls all the time.

Annahibiscuits · 28/04/2017 07:29

I've been in this situation too. My dd got told off in primary school for pushing a boy over onto his ass. She did it because he kept trying to kiss her and wouldn't stop.

Yes, I unashamedly support 'violence' for girls to defend themselves. I think it should be encouraged. It's a myth that you get more hurt by fighting back. Attackers don't like a struggle

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 28/04/2017 07:29

Sparklingbrook but you're happy to minimise sexually inappropriate, crude behaviour in a school setting. He deserved an eye roll? No he deserved at the very least a detention and to be told how to behave!

Sparklingbrook · 28/04/2017 07:31

So she should have attacked him physically instead of just swearing? I am not sure of the school's position on that. Confused

I could never be a teacher...

StealthPolarBear · 28/04/2017 07:33

Yes people talk the talk about zero tolerance but still think zero tolerance needs t be polite, measured and proper. I'll be hopefully teaching my ds to have respect fr all peole who are acting respectfully to him and dd the same, with the caveat that she can defend herself against low level sexual violence in the best way she judges necessary.

Sparklingbrook · 28/04/2017 07:33

He wanted a reaction though Saor. My DS was bullied throughout Year 8. He gave them the reaction they wanted every single time. They want the reaction, it's why they do it after all. If they didn't get a reaction they would stop.

DirtyChaiLatte · 28/04/2017 07:34

Some people seem to have the opinion that swearing is OK in the right context, like in this situation of sexual harassment. But people have to also remember that this occurred in SCHOOL.

So you're allowed to tell people to fuck off in high school? What about primary school? What's the cut off age? Is it OK for a 10 year old to say it in primary school?

I think swearing should not be allowed in school at all. Sexual harassment should not be allowed in school either.

YABU for 'fuming' at the school for enforcing a no swearing rule.

Although, you have a right to be angry at the school for not punishing the boy too.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 28/04/2017 07:35

Sparklingbrook I'm sorry your DS was bullied, that's horrific, and shouldn't happen. But you can't just ignore sexually inappropriate behaviour, and worse punish the person on the receiving end of it because you dislike their response.

DameDeDoubtance · 28/04/2017 07:37

D'ya know, we have thousands of vile terms that boys use against girls, I'm happy to see boy's getting called on their misogynistic behaviour.

Sexual harassment against girls is at epidemic levels, boys are consuming porn in vast quantities which colours how they treat girls and women.

I would be happy that my daughter called him on hos behaviour.