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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming with DDs secondary school over 'fuck boy'.

573 replies

Shitonmyshoe · 27/04/2017 23:34

Just that! For those who don't know, girls now call sexually aggressive/promiscuous boys 'fuck boy'. My daughter has no interest in lads and is only bothered about her GCSEs (very studious but outgoing kid). Today a lad in her year placed his index and middle finger to his face and wriggled his tongue between them (classy) towards my daughter. She told him, 'get out of my face fuck boy' which has resulted in her being punished via a detention. For background she is less than 5 foot in yr 10 and he is well over 6 foot and obviously trains (shithouse wall). Apparently, reason DD was punished was because she was being aggressive 😂

OP posts:
StillHungryy · 28/04/2017 04:43

nooka like I said I really didn't mean any disrespect to you or your son, and it wasn't aimed at you saying about the student room, more the OP as she seemed to value your DS POV and inputover numerous ( can't be sure of the actual number) adults that have given theirs. Smile

pestov · 28/04/2017 04:43

YABU to be fuming that your DD got a detention for swearing. Irrespective of the 'roughness' of the school and your personal opinion she broke the rules. Even though she was provoked, every teacher would agree (although some would perhaps punish leniently). I have worked in a school where a blind eye was turned to swearing in general (this is fucking hard miss!) but wouldn't tolerate it directed at others.

What happened to the boy is a different matter entirely. There might be good reasons not to overtly punish him, perhaps his gang are known for dealing with disrespect in their own way. Perhaps he was punished but DD didn't hear about it; this is quite common with high needs students. Did she calmly explain herself to someone in authority or kick off once issued with the detention? Either way, once the staff have clear information about his behaviour It's none of your business what they do with it.

malificent7 · 28/04/2017 05:14

As a teacher i wouldnt give a detention for swearing if it was a one off and if it was in response to sexual harassment. Your poor dd.

Pemba · 28/04/2017 05:19

Absolutely it was sexual harassment from the boy, totally unacceptable. The girl was standing up for herself, good on her. I would complain to the school.

Trifleorbust · 28/04/2017 05:49

I would have given them both detention. I don't think that sort of language in school (both of them) is acceptable.

GahBuggerit · 28/04/2017 06:02

Should have both been punished equally definitely, not on that only your DD has been. Can only assume/hope the teacher didn't see the boy?. Your DD needs to learn the art of the subtle-middle-finger-on-the-side-of-the-face!

reallyanotherone · 28/04/2017 06:09

I agree height and size is nothing to do with it.

In fact it suggests that a smaller person can't bully, sexually harrass, or assault a bigger one, which is bollocks. I knew someone in an abusive marriage and the abuser used their smaller stature to continue and enhance the abuse, and to stop his victim reporting it " how can i possibly be abusive, I'm only 5' tall?"

But yes, i hope the boy was punished too.

carolinescustard · 28/04/2017 06:30

I think you sound unnecessarily feisty on your posts.
The boy was wrong ( however) and unfortunately, his behaviour is nothing new.
I don't think there are many people in education, that have the energy to deal with the crap these days.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 28/04/2017 06:30

I'm not surea detention for the boy would be appropriate. I think instead a carefully designed programme of re-education over a number of lunchtimes with zero tolerance for sexual harassment would be more appropriate. If there isn't an off the shelf programme I am sure the collective MN could design it. An opportunity missed to re-educate.

BBCK · 28/04/2017 06:32

The boy should have a day in internal exclusion for that offence. That is clearly sexual harassment which is against the law. Responding with abuse is inappropriate but understandable. A verbal reprimand should be sufficient under the circumstances. If the school hasn't punished the boy you should take this further. This sort of thing happens all the time in schools and it is often played down.

MaisyPops · 28/04/2017 06:36

He made a sexual gesture.
She used bad language that's not appropriate for the context (spare me through but teachers swear... in the staff room and not around site).

Both should have been given a detention or spoken to.

It may be that he dd that sign, child shouts FuckBoi and that's what the teacher sees/hears and that's why.

But then from reading the thread there's not place for suggesting that both students were in the wrong because apparently that's victim blaming and telling girls they aren't allowed to stick up for themselves.

TheoriginalLEM · 28/04/2017 06:36

I can't believe this thread. If someone had posted about this happening in the workplace then people would (rightly) baying for the man's job.

This isn't the first thread i have seen where girls in school have been bullied sexually and just expected to accept it.

Girls are still being brought up to believe they are second best.

Trifleorbust · 28/04/2017 06:38

I agree with CarolineCustard.

DirtyChaiLatte · 28/04/2017 06:42

Why ask the AIBU question when you sound like you clearly do not want to hear any opinion but one that agrees with your own?

I've lost count of the number of people who have posted to say that they BOTH should have been punished. Including your daughter for swearing.

apotheke · 28/04/2017 06:42

I have worked in a school where a blind eye was turned to swearing in general (this is fucking hard miss!) but wouldn't tolerate it directed at others.

This is exactly my way of dealing with swearing. When I overhear 'conversational' swearing, I remind them it's not appropriate or acceptable in school, (sometimes just 'the look' and raised eyebrow can make this point effectively!) but wouldn't take it any further unless it continued. However, the moment it's directed at someone I apply school sanctions.

In your daughter's example I would back the school up on her punishment and talk to her about how wholly unacceptable calling boys this horrible term is - to me it's comparable to her calling a girl 'slut'. However I would raise the provocation with school as he needs spoken to. The problem may be the teacher didn't see his action, just heard your daughter's response.

Unfortunately, your daughter needs to learn how to handle arseholes, like this boy may well be, without resorting to offensive, sexist language.

Usermuser · 28/04/2017 06:42

I wouldn't have given her detention. Women and girls have enough problems with being told they didn't react "in the right way" to rape, sexual assault and sexual harassment.

KoalaDownUnder · 28/04/2017 06:44

girls in school have been bullied sexually and just expected to accept it

I am fairly sure not one single person has said that she should 'just accept it'.

Please show us where anyone has done so.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 28/04/2017 06:45

Both were wrong ! She should complain about his sexual harassment

Don't fume OP - honestly you will get better results with school if you calm down , acknowledge she should t have used that language but also acknowledge she was being sexually harassed and reacted angrily - -and you hope school keep an eye on that too

I say good for her
In this instance for being assertive 👊🏼👊🏼👊🏼👊🏼

LornaD40 · 28/04/2017 06:46

How do you know he hasn't been punished? We wouldn't share that information with the 'other' parent.

Sparklingbrook · 28/04/2017 06:52

I don't really know why OP posted this. Nobody seems to be allowed to say anything that isn't in agreement and they have dished out a few choice insults of their own. Confused

StealthPolarBear · 28/04/2017 06:58

" Work place, school or street. Is it ok for girls/women to be subjected to sexual harassment. Short answer - no it's not"
Except, depressingly, it is.
Of course heights are relevant if she has been punished for aggression. She presumably felt physically threatened by his physical aggression, do you think he felt threatened by her verbal aggression?
How should she have handled it, while still retaining her nice girl status?

HMWelsch · 28/04/2017 07:06

She presumably felt physically threatened by his physical aggression

Are you taking about the same situation as everyone else or did you post on the wrong thread?

What led you to believe that she felt threatened?

StealthPolarBear · 28/04/2017 07:08

Of course I'm on the right thread.
If someone a foot taller than me came up to me and made a sexually explicit gesture, I'd feel threatened. Good for you if you wouldn't, well done for being tough.

MrsMakka · 28/04/2017 07:10

Reassure the school that your daughter will show up for detention, but tell them you assume the boy will be similarly punished for sexual harassment, and ask how the school are going to ensure her future safety from further harassment on the part of this boy

MaisyPops · 28/04/2017 07:12

I can't believe this thread. If someone had posted about this happening in the workplace then people would (rightly) baying for the man's job.
But the question is about whether the girl should have had a detention for swearing at him. The answer is yes.

The boy wasn't right and he's made a sexual gesture. That in itself doesn't mean you can call someone a FuckBoi back to make it even.

Nobody seems to be allowed to say anything that isn't in agreement
It's just going to be one of those AIBU threads.
OP: AIBU?
Mumsnet: mixture of no and yes with quite a few people saying the boy was wrong, and so is verbally abusing someone.
OP: engages with people who agree and argues the toss with anyone who doesn't.

Why post then? Hate AIBU threads that are purely for "agree with me and validate my view"