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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming with DDs secondary school over 'fuck boy'.

573 replies

Shitonmyshoe · 27/04/2017 23:34

Just that! For those who don't know, girls now call sexually aggressive/promiscuous boys 'fuck boy'. My daughter has no interest in lads and is only bothered about her GCSEs (very studious but outgoing kid). Today a lad in her year placed his index and middle finger to his face and wriggled his tongue between them (classy) towards my daughter. She told him, 'get out of my face fuck boy' which has resulted in her being punished via a detention. For background she is less than 5 foot in yr 10 and he is well over 6 foot and obviously trains (shithouse wall). Apparently, reason DD was punished was because she was being aggressive 😂

OP posts:
Timeforteaplease · 28/04/2017 08:48

I doubt very much he was humiliated by it. He probably took it as a compliment

Then fuck boy is not an equivalent term to slut and she has done nothing wrong.

FlapAttack78 · 28/04/2017 08:49

timeforteaplease I hate that phrase "language he understands "

A bit like when someone people say violence is the only language x understands.

So people who are violent or verbally aggressive only understand violence and verbal aggression. So should therefore be treated with violence and verval aggression.... Well.no wonder they continue being violent and verbally aggressive then.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 28/04/2017 08:50

Kazeno Thanks Flowers

Sadly according to KindDogsTail

I only know what happened here. Don't you understand? She was as good as sexually attacked by a symbolic, careful, deliberate mime.

Newtssuitcase · 28/04/2017 08:52

timeforteaplease Nobody is saying they are equally to blame. They are saying they both did wrong and should both be punished. It's not the same thing at all.

Elanetical · 28/04/2017 08:53

There's a lot of false equivalence going on here.

Sexual harassment of women/girls by men/boys is not equivalent to similar behaviour in reverse - crime stats back this up; women are at far greater risk than men of being the victims of sexual violence and sexual harassment.

It's good for girls/women to learn to defend themselves. It's not good for low level sexual harassment by boys/men to be normalised and tolerated - it tells everyone that sexual harassment is acceptable and it really isn't, ever.

I like this approach.

Mind you, in a school environment no derogatory language or behaviour should be acceptable. But from the OP's description of the school the same standard isn't being applied to everyone, which isn't fair.

Timeforteaplease · 28/04/2017 08:54

FlapAttack78 - you really think the poor helpless lad did not understand what he was doing was offensive and that it was up to OPs DD to show him the error of his ways using caring and supportive language?
Get a grip.
This was deliberate sexual harassment. The DD has a split second to decide how to respond. She responded with verbal aggression - as she has a right to do when being harassed.

Timeforteaplease · 28/04/2017 08:55

But they are not equally to blame. Not by a long way.
He was acting agressively. She was acting defensively. That's not the same thing.

Newtssuitcase · 28/04/2017 08:55

If my 12YO loses his rag and punches my 9 YO for no reason and my 9YO retaliates and punches him back then clearly my 12YO is in the wrong for starting it and for punching his brother. But my (YO would still be punished for punching back.

They are not equally to blame. My 12YPO started it. But my 9YO will still be punished because punching someone is not acceptable behaviour whatever the circumstances.

Ikillallplants · 28/04/2017 08:56

I have worked in a professional office, fuck boy would not have been acceptable. I have worked with truckers and it would have been perfectly acceptable.

This girl isn't at Cheltenham Ladies College. "Please don't do that you nasty boy" would not have done the trick, it would probably have flagged her up as weak and made her a target.

Timeforteaplease · 28/04/2017 08:58

This girl isn't at Cheltenham Ladies College. "Please don't do that you nasty boy" would not have done the trick, it would probably have flagged her up as weak and made her a target.

Exactly.

Newtssuitcase · 28/04/2017 09:00

And you think the fact that she was punished whilst he apparently got away with it gives her the upper hand somehow and balances that relationship? Clearly not. Her inappropriate response has resulted in her losing the high ground.

Timeforteaplease · 28/04/2017 09:04

Her inappropriate response has resulted in her losing the high ground.

That made me laugh out loud. GrinGrinGrin
Who gives a monkey about the high ground when you are being harassed? Your want it to stop. You want it not to happen again. And if you lose the 'high ground' (whatever that is) to achieve that, who cares? Stopping the harassment that makes your daily life miserable is the important thing.

Trifleorbust · 28/04/2017 09:09

Personally I think the actions of the boy were rude and inappropriate but there is a massive overstating of their seriousness on this thread. Boys as well as girls to be taught not to make sexual gestures to others, but doing so doesn't make him a potential rapist or a 'scummy little rat'. He probably has never given that gesture that much thought. Education is the answer here, not condemnation.

KoalaDownUnder · 28/04/2017 09:13

Then fuck boy is not an equivalent term to slut and she has done nothing wrong.

She has done something wrong because schools don't allow students to call each other 'fuck-' anything.

Fuckhead, fuckwit, fucker: not acceptable.

If another student abuses or harasses you, you report it. It's never been okay to swear at them.

This is not a new concept. Confused

WilburIsSomePig · 28/04/2017 09:16

I can't believe some people are more bothered by a young girl using the work 'fuck', than they are about a boy making a sexual gesture towards her.

Give me strength.

HomityBabbityPie · 28/04/2017 09:16

Good for your daughter for calling him out on it. If my son did that I'd be ashamed and disgusted and frankly on the side of your daughter!!

Avocuddle · 28/04/2017 09:16

Good on DD I think! If she'd meekly said "leave me alone please", I highly doubt that'd have worked. She knew was she was being subjected to was wrong, and phrased it in a way the boy might understand. Can I assume that anybody calling her vile has ever said fuck in their life then? Would you all have been so bothered about a 15/16 year old boy swearing or is it only vile for girls who are sticking up for themselves?

histinyhandsarefrozen · 28/04/2017 09:18

Wow, there's a whole load of minimizing this boys behavior here. Horrible to read.

Shockers · 28/04/2017 09:22

His harassment of her needs to be addressed.

She could've left the 'fuck' out of that sentence. Said with enough force, her message would've been just as clear.

DixieNormas · 28/04/2017 09:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FlapAttack78 · 28/04/2017 09:37

timefortea I never once implied I thought the boy didn't know what he was doing was offensive. I just don't get the concept of it being more acceptable to be verbally aggressive as a retaliation to some people on the basis that "that's the language they understand" whereas the same retaliation to a different person would not be acceptable.

I don't think the not gave a flying monkey about what she said to him.. in fact he probably got what he wanted. And she got into trouble in the process for using verbally inappropriate language

As others have said I don't think they are equally wrong at all. But they are both in the wrong and within a school environment I agree that it would not be right if she was just told "ah fair enough.. He deserved that"

ChampagneTastes · 28/04/2017 09:45

I'm fully in agreement with the OP but would like to hear a bit more about what happened as I feel a bit sorry for the teacher here. You said that they didn't hear/see anything so on what basis is your daughter being punished?

I've been the teacher in a similar situation. A boy grabbed a girl in one of my lessons but all I saw was her telling him (quite reasonably) to keep his fucking hands to himself. By this time he was a little way away and was trying to make out she was being hysterical. She told me what had happened and I dealt with the boy (I would like to have had him suspended but unfortunately our school was not as hardline on these sorts of things as I would like) but I DID make a point that using that sort of language in the classroom muddies the waters for me.

She was brilliant though, she got a lot of shit from boys because she was not willing to just shut up and take it so I tried really hard to support her where I could.

StealthPolarBear · 28/04/2017 09:49

" He probably has never given that gesture that much thought. Education is the answer here, not condemnation."
Yes, that is a good point.

Newtssuitcase · 28/04/2017 09:49

Some people just don't read the comments that are made.

Ive read the whole thread and nobody has said that they are more bothered by the girl's use of the word "fuck" than what he did. Not one person.

What the majority are saying is that two wrongs don't make a right. She did wrong and has been punished. Just as he did wrong and should also have been punished (and might have been for all we know).

There are wise responses to such behaviour and there are unwise responses. Lowering yourself to the level of the offender rarely works and in this case has resulted in the girl being punished.

Nobody is saying that what he did was appropriate and nobody is disputing that he started it and should be punished.

StealthPolarBear · 28/04/2017 09:50

If anyone on this great is the victim of sexual aggression in future they need to keep a clear head and respond in a calm, dignified way. Obviously.

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