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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is Dsis taking the P or am I being insensitive?

165 replies

NoMoreBones · 27/04/2017 19:42

Sister had a baby 9 weeks ago, I have had her 3 times overnight in that time, other siblings once and twice each so she has only actually had the baby at the weekend once since birth. So not like she doesn't get a break.

My son wad admitted to hospital on Sunday and was diagnosed with type one diabetes. We are just learning about carb counting and monitoring blood sugars etc, it's all new and d's needs supervising and sometimes help. I am preparing his 4 meals and 2 snacks each day.
As a single mum (I have a bf but it's early days and he doesn't live with is) with 2 other kids it is very full on and I have had to take the week off work to meet with the care team and nutritionist and school.

Yesterday dsis asked me to have the baby overnight on Saturday, I already have a friends child staying all weekend while she works and it was all arranged before this so I am still going ahead, this chikd is 9 so doesn't need immediate attention and can get herself a drink/snack etc. So anyeay I said sorry I have X this weekend I can't manage another.

Before the medical issues with D'S I had agreed to have the baby tonight for a few hours while sis and her partner go out for dinner. I totally forgot all about since with havibg so much going on. I got a text earlier saying do I want to have the baby overnight now since I am off work tomorrow.

So my AIBU is am I BY to be pissed off that dsis is still expecting me to have a 9 week old baby that feeds 3 hourly when i have so much else going on and that she wants to push it for more since I am off, without a thought to the fact that I have 3 separate appointments to deal with tomorrow and enough on my plate!

OP posts:
Original poster
NoMoreBones · 27/04/2017 22:34

star we really tried with her first daughter, my sis couldn't see how bad things were bevause the people she was hanging around with were as bad as her.
I rang social services, emailed them and wrote to them numerous times. I rang the school safeguarding team, they couldn't give me any info but I let them know my concerns. We offered to take her in but no one took us seriously. It's only when the child's dad stepped in that anything changed because he had PR. Now we are not allowed any contact with her because he says we didn't do anything. Believe me we tried!

I also thought getting pregnant again was stupid but once it is done it is done and nothibg any of us could do to change that either.

OP posts:
noitsnotme · 27/04/2017 22:34

Sorry for cracking jokes OP. I do genuinely sympathise with everything you're going through. You sound like a very decent, caring human being with an awful lot to deal with right now. I hope everything works out, for you and your kids, and the baby. Flowers

notanurse2017 · 27/04/2017 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NoMoreBones · 27/04/2017 22:36

noitsnotme I actually appreciate the humour, it is how I deal with things too.

nurse there was one drip feed because my thread has totally derailed and very few people are actually answering my original question, quite understandably I guess but I didn't post the information because it was not what my thread was about.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/04/2017 22:36

Urgh nightmare. I should imagine your sister it protecting herself from building and attachment to her baby both through the trauma of losing her eldest (even though her own fault) and knowing that things may not turn out ok...

Flowers
AhNowTed · 27/04/2017 22:37

Notanurse so what? Hardly the point.. sheesh

DearMrDilkington · 27/04/2017 22:37

Poor baby. Is it long until your sister gets sentenced?

I'd worry who else she's leaving baby with that your unaware off.. I'd also seriously worry that she might leave baby at home and go out if she can't get a baby sitter..

What on earth are social services thinkingHmm

DearMrDilkington · 27/04/2017 22:41

Btw, there's lots of threads on here for parents who have children with diabetes, lots of support and tips. Make sure you look after yourself during all this. Flowers

emmyrose2000 · 27/04/2017 22:41

Nobody is thinking about this poor baby. Everyone's too busy tiptoeing around her scumbag "mother". The best thing that could've happened to her is being placed for adoption with a caring family at birth. The best thing that could happen to her now is being relinquished to a caring family for adoption.

Th social worker needs to be fully informed of the situation so that she can take the proper steps to get this child the care she needs.

Original poster
NoMoreBones · 27/04/2017 22:41

dearmr I have no idea, I have never been involved in court cases or anything but she is up at magistrates in May who will adjourn it to Crown court due to the serious nature of the crime. If she pleads not guilty she will have to go on trial which I assume will be at the end of the year with her dp?
If she pleads guilty then it will be a lot sooner but I am just guessing really.

I don't think there is anyone else she can leave the baby with but tgat is another reason we are reluctant to say no, better we know where the baby is and that she is safe.

OP posts:
QuietNameChange · 27/04/2017 22:42

Oh gosh!! That's so horrible! For all of you.

And I feel horrible for saying that (because that poor baby!!) but I think you also have to protect your own DC (and yourself) emotionally.

Because if you do end up being her child's carer your children will most likely see her like their sister. And if something similar happens again...? So sad.

Plus, whilst diabetes is manageable (soo many people in my family have type 1 diabetes...) it is serious and it takes a loot of energy to deal with it.

You seem like such a lovely person! Good luck to all of you Flowers

AhNowTed · 27/04/2017 22:43

OP in your shoes I don't know what I'd do about a sister who doesn't give a fig about her baby but one thing is clear.. you cannot take on her parental responsibilities. No way.

What other siblings do you or the "father" have that could step in if you can't get them to see bloody sense and give a shit?

Original poster
NoMoreBones · 27/04/2017 22:44

I think we need to face the inevitable and speak to the social worker. It is not an easy thing to do though, knowing the repercussions and while objectively it would probably be best for the baby, I have always had it ingrained that family stick together. It feels like a terrible thing to do.

OP posts:
DearMrDilkington · 27/04/2017 22:45

I really feel for you. I have a similar situation with a family member and it's such a hopeless position to be in. The only people with the authority to make a difference never step up until the situation is beyond repair.

It's truly a nightmare isn't it. Flowers

KacieB · 27/04/2017 22:49

That poor child. These early days and weeks are so important for attachment, and attachment disorder is so damaging.

Please do talk to the social worker, after all, if you're thinking about "the family sticking together", well the baby's part of the family and the most vulnerable member at that. Flowers

MrsBobDylan · 27/04/2017 22:50

Op, putting aside your sister and her situation, I am sorry to hear your ds has developed type 1 diabetes. This happened to my son and it took us about a year to feel like we were starting to move on with our new normal. Very few people understand type 1 and many more feel they know something about it, which I find worse as they are invariably wrong!

What I will say is lean on your diabetes nurse, getting insullin doses right is an art not a science and there will be times when you'll feel so frustrated because you have done everything 'right' but it's coming out all wrong.

We are 4 years down the line and it continues to affect everyday of our lives and will do so for my ds for all of his life. But it is shit loads easier to handle now than those early days. You MUST focus on yourself and your son because it will take up lots of your time and all of your energy. Then it will begin to get a bit easier, bit by bit as the months and years go by.

Also, look into pumps, we have had one for the last two years and they are much better.

And here is some Cake and Flowers for you because you sound all round wonderful.

AntiGrinch · 27/04/2017 22:51

"I wonder if your sister is trying on purpose not to get attached to her baby, as she knows she's going to prison, and her baby will be looked after by someone else?"

I think there may be an element of this.

You are a hero, by the way. A real hero.

It will feel wrong but I think you need to tell the SW everything, proactively.

RebootYourEngine · 27/04/2017 22:53

By the sounds of things the baby might be better off being put up for adoption. Getting completely away from any association with your dsis. Imagine having to grow up knowing that she is your mum. Shes a disgrace. I know you think that you are helping but i dont think that you are in the long run.

On another note i have experience with type 1 diabetes due to my dn having it. You can PM me anytime you want to chat, ask questions etc.

GrassWillBeGreener · 27/04/2017 22:54

Good luck with a difficult situation.
To go back to your original question - yes I think you should be firm and state that you have to prioritise your son 100% for the next days to weeks. Keep in touch by all means but the more you and your immediate family can focus on mastering managing diabetes the sooner things will be stable enough for you to be able to cope with anything else!

You sound a fantastic mum.

ohfourfoxache · 27/04/2017 22:55

Bones, no matter what happens now, you are going to need ongoing support. It's difficult enough that your DS has just been diagnosed, by with everything else on top I'm worried that you're going to burn out,

Family aside, do you have any other support around you?

Original poster
NoMoreBones · 27/04/2017 22:58

Thank you for all of the supportive messages especially regarding the diabetes. We had our first low today and it was really scary, wasn't expe ting one so soon when he has been running pretty high. He didn't go into a full on hypo but his reading was 3.4. The thought of having a baby to deal with at that point just about made me feel sick. I don't know why my sister would even consider that I would manage right now.

OP posts:
WyfOfBathe · 27/04/2017 22:59

The potential for her to be sentenced changes things. I think you need to decide what you would be willing to do long term. If you would be happy to foster your niece for the next 5 years or even for the rest of her childhood, you should probably keep trying to bond with her. You need to be honest though, and if caring for her wouldn't be the best thing for you and your DC then it's time to be honest with your sister and her social worker.

Original poster
NoMoreBones · 27/04/2017 23:02

OhFour not really to be honest. I just stick a brave face on and hope for the best. I have muddled through a million tricky situations but this one seems to be a real test.

The diabetes care team have been fantastic so far so I am hoping that we will get into the swing of things soon.

OP posts:
Beeziekn33ze · 27/04/2017 23:17

Sad and shocking situation. Wishing OP strength to cope with DS as well as other DC and job.
Regrettable but the poor little baby could well be better off fostered with view to adoption. I can scarcely believe I am posting this but she sounds truly at risk.

applesareredandgreen · 27/04/2017 23:23

If your DN is on a child protection plan and your Dsis has already had one child removed from her care social services will be monitoring and assessing her care of this baby. I can see that you and your siblings are trying to support your sister but the truth is that what you are doing is not enabling her to be a mother for the child. It seems to me that the likelihood is that your sis will also lose the care of this DC, particularly if she is facing a custodial sentence. Children's services will always try to place a child with family rAther than external foster carers so the question is, between yourself, your siblings and your parents, are any of you willing and able to be full time carers for this baby if CS deem that your sister isn't fit (and assuming her current DP is the father doesn't look as if he would be in a position.). If no family members are able to take on the care then with a baby they would look to adoption.

I think you and your siblings need to be really clear with your sister what is likely to happen, that this is her chance to show that she can parent her child if she wants to, but at the moment she is opting out and letting you do this for her. You and your sister also need to be honest with the social worker.