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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is Dsis taking the P or am I being insensitive?

165 replies

NoMoreBones · 27/04/2017 19:42

Sister had a baby 9 weeks ago, I have had her 3 times overnight in that time, other siblings once and twice each so she has only actually had the baby at the weekend once since birth. So not like she doesn't get a break.

My son wad admitted to hospital on Sunday and was diagnosed with type one diabetes. We are just learning about carb counting and monitoring blood sugars etc, it's all new and d's needs supervising and sometimes help. I am preparing his 4 meals and 2 snacks each day.
As a single mum (I have a bf but it's early days and he doesn't live with is) with 2 other kids it is very full on and I have had to take the week off work to meet with the care team and nutritionist and school.

Yesterday dsis asked me to have the baby overnight on Saturday, I already have a friends child staying all weekend while she works and it was all arranged before this so I am still going ahead, this chikd is 9 so doesn't need immediate attention and can get herself a drink/snack etc. So anyeay I said sorry I have X this weekend I can't manage another.

Before the medical issues with D'S I had agreed to have the baby tonight for a few hours while sis and her partner go out for dinner. I totally forgot all about since with havibg so much going on. I got a text earlier saying do I want to have the baby overnight now since I am off work tomorrow.

So my AIBU is am I BY to be pissed off that dsis is still expecting me to have a 9 week old baby that feeds 3 hourly when i have so much else going on and that she wants to push it for more since I am off, without a thought to the fact that I have 3 separate appointments to deal with tomorrow and enough on my plate!

OP posts:
Theresnonamesleft · 27/04/2017 20:47

If they want a romantic meal they can do like most parents.
Get some candles. Dress the table nice. Turn down the lights. Mood music in the background and order a takeaway.

And do let the sw know about the constant weekends including the first weekend out of hospital

diddl · 27/04/2017 20:47

YANBU, but jeez that poor baby.

Everyone trying to "help" by ensuring that she stays with a mother who doesn't seem to want her.

RainbowJack · 27/04/2017 20:49

NoMoreBones You and your siblings need to stop enabling her selfish behaviour. It's not going to help her or her baby in the long run.

How do you expect the baby to bond with her if she hardly has her?

MaudGonneMad · 27/04/2017 20:50

OP can you contact your sister's social worker?

metalmum15 · 27/04/2017 20:52

YANBU. Your children come first. How can anyone ship a newborn baby out overnight every couple of weeks? If she needs a break, what's wrong with her DP looking after the baby for a couple of hours while she goes out for a coffee or sees a friend? I may sound harsh, but after reading your posts I think she needs some lessons on contraception.

AhNowTed · 27/04/2017 20:54

OP I know you mean well but can you not see how wrong your sisters and her partners behaviour is. The so-called parents of this new born baby, farming the poor little one out at 9 WEEKS old. 9 months would be a reach, weeks I cannot comprehend

Benedikte2 · 27/04/2017 20:56

OP what your Dsis really needs is a doll she can put away in its box when she wants to go out.
Definitely bonding issues and also with first child. Difficult to tell why but your Dsis is not able to prioritise the needs of her child and it sadly seems likely she'll lose her sooner or later. Is she able to have counselling or is there someone who can tell her to wake up and smell the coffee?
Meanwhile you need to see to the needs of your wee boy -- this diagnosis is a life changing event and you have a steep learning curve. Everything and everyone else needs to go on hold while you do this and are confident in caring for DS. Sounds as if you are always available and generous with your time but nows the time to tell your friends and family that you need understanding and support

nachogazpacho · 27/04/2017 20:56

The baby is who you should be thinking about because your dsis can make choices but the baby is at the mercy of the adults around them. They need a consistent nurturing primary carer who teaches them about secured attachment. I think you should think about the baby and their needs first and inform social services about how much the family are having them. Does she have friends who have the baby too?does the fathers family have them? Could be she's not actually attached and is sending the baby all over the place. How can she keep track of feeds, nappies etc all the monitoring a parent does?

JustSpeakSense · 27/04/2017 20:57

I am shocked, I have never heard of a baby as young as 9 weeks staying away from their mum overnight Shock

Parker231 · 27/04/2017 21:02

Why can't your Dsis look after her baby herself? Most people wouldn't want their 9 week old baby out of their sight let alone away overnight.

Original poster
NoMoreBones · 27/04/2017 21:04

I think we know deep down that it's not ideal to be havibg the baby so much but we are worried aboyt history repeating itself, dsis struggled massively and ended up addicted to drugs and taking them whikst in charge of her dc, It was so bad, I reported her to ss many times but they didn't step in until the child's dad removed her.

We don't want her to end up in that situation again and really don't know what is best. I just asked her does the social worker know that the baby sleeps out. She's not replied yet.

OP posts:
RainbowsAndUnicorn · 27/04/2017 21:06

I'd visit when the social worker is next there and tell her about the lack of care by your sister and who is actually doing most of the work (others). I'd do it for the child's sake.

What on earth possessed her to have another knowing she can't cope?

KC225 · 27/04/2017 21:07

I also think it's a concern that the social worker doesn't know what is happening. How will things change if the Social Worker is unaware of the amount of time she spends away from the baby. What about her Partner? Does he not think it's odd that the baby is away so much?

It's not a case of firing get in but I think it's a serious

Teaandchocolate92 · 27/04/2017 21:07

My lo is 12 weeks old and my 1st. The only time I left her with anyone but my husband is when
A. I had to go the dentist (only way to get in is up very steep stairs )
B. Went to help my mum and brother move things in my nanas house to fit in hospital bed as she was so ill.

Yes with a newborn you get tired and feel you can't cope and need a minute but when you have a partner there they take over to help.

You all as a family need to sit your sister down and explain this isn't on. She needs to bring her child up not all of you. Make her see if she keeps going on thwith way she is she will lose this child.

Tough love is so needed in this situation.
Good luck with this I bet this is tugging at your heartstrings. Stay strong and make sure all your siblings don't give in

MrsCharlieD · 27/04/2017 21:08

Wow. I am actually gob smacked. Ds didn't spend the night away from us until he was 18months and that was because we attended a child free wedding. He's 3 now and that's the only night he's spent away from us.

You have so much on your plate. A t1 diabetes diagnosis is a life changing event. You have so much to get your head round, nor to mention I imagine you will have night testing to do as well. The only reasonable explanation is that your sister has PND. No other mother would want to leave her baby so much at that age or in the circumstances you are currently going through. She is a mum now. She needs to start acting like one.

Arkhamasylum · 27/04/2017 21:09

She told her older child she was leaving her overnight and then didn't go back for two weeks. She says this is because she didn't get any help. Therefore, it's yours and your other relatives' responsibility to make sure she doesn't abandon this child?

It sounds like blackmail. I don't know what the answer is. You clearly have your own stuff to be dealing with though and you need your time off. Your time doesn't belong to your sister. The problem is, telling your sister to do one (as she so richly deserves) could have a negative effect on the baby. I don't know what the answer is, but you have my sympathy.

(I hope your son's feeling better Flowers)

glueandstick · 27/04/2017 21:10

When mine was that age and I 'needed a break' my mum came over and took her for a walk/looked after her whilst I had 2 hours sleep/shipped me off to the hairdresser and for a coffee for a morning. Max was three hours.

This isn't right. You're very kind, but she really isn't coping and needs some professional help.

AhNowTed · 27/04/2017 21:12

"The only reasonable explanation is that your sister has PND. "

I'm afraid it's more like she is putting herself well and truly before her new born baby.

Kindness on your part OP is only fuelling the situation. Time for tough love.

flupi · 27/04/2017 21:13

You sound lovely and kind and supportive, but my goodness you have enough on your plate. Don't feel guilty, you've helped far more already than any sister should be expected to help. Your sister is so off the mark not wanting to look after her new born- that's not normal and should be addressed. Health visitor is someone else who should perhaps be told and can link up with ss. Good luck with your son.

QuackDuckQuack · 27/04/2017 21:13

If this is going to be her gradually failing to care for her baby until she finally loses the baby, is dragging it out by shipping the baby between family members actually in the baby's best interests?

Elphaba99 · 27/04/2017 21:13

Gosh, YANBU. You have to put yourself and your DC first. No question. If when things settle down you want to offer to have baby overnight again, then do it on your terms.

Sorry to hear about your DS - best of luck with it all. Flowers

Bunbunbunny · 27/04/2017 21:15

Agree with pp, that baby is being passed around and someone needs to have a serious talk with your dsis. The baby deserves better and you can't protect your dsis, priority has to be the baby

arethereanyleftatall · 27/04/2017 21:15

Is she still on drugs now do you think op?

beekeeper17 · 27/04/2017 21:16

It's time for some tough love, otherwise this is heading the same way as things went for her other child. Sit her down with your other siblings and explain that you all want to do what you reasonably can to support HER to look after her own baby, and ask her how she thinks you can all do that. Letting her leave her responsibilities with other people is not supporting her to be a responsible parent and is not helping her or the child. She's got a choice here, either she can step up and make sure history doesn't repeat itself, or she can head down the same route as she went down with her other child. She's responsible for making that decision.

Atenco · 27/04/2017 21:22

I think you are an absolute saint, OP. So sorry to hear about your son.

Maybe the baby is better going for adoption and I don't say that lightly.