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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is Dsis taking the P or am I being insensitive?

165 replies

NoMoreBones · 27/04/2017 19:42

Sister had a baby 9 weeks ago, I have had her 3 times overnight in that time, other siblings once and twice each so she has only actually had the baby at the weekend once since birth. So not like she doesn't get a break.

My son wad admitted to hospital on Sunday and was diagnosed with type one diabetes. We are just learning about carb counting and monitoring blood sugars etc, it's all new and d's needs supervising and sometimes help. I am preparing his 4 meals and 2 snacks each day.
As a single mum (I have a bf but it's early days and he doesn't live with is) with 2 other kids it is very full on and I have had to take the week off work to meet with the care team and nutritionist and school.

Yesterday dsis asked me to have the baby overnight on Saturday, I already have a friends child staying all weekend while she works and it was all arranged before this so I am still going ahead, this chikd is 9 so doesn't need immediate attention and can get herself a drink/snack etc. So anyeay I said sorry I have X this weekend I can't manage another.

Before the medical issues with D'S I had agreed to have the baby tonight for a few hours while sis and her partner go out for dinner. I totally forgot all about since with havibg so much going on. I got a text earlier saying do I want to have the baby overnight now since I am off work tomorrow.

So my AIBU is am I BY to be pissed off that dsis is still expecting me to have a 9 week old baby that feeds 3 hourly when i have so much else going on and that she wants to push it for more since I am off, without a thought to the fact that I have 3 separate appointments to deal with tomorrow and enough on my plate!

OP posts:

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 27/04/2017 20:14

Suggest you keep her dc and she can have her life back. . Poor dc.

She is hardly suffering the absence of her other dc is she?

MimiSunshine · 27/04/2017 20:15

she has lost custody of another child and we ar all anxious that she doesn't feel overwhelmed or unsupported

But supporting her isn't taking the baby a third of the time. It would be helping her to avoid the pitfalls of whatever it was that caused her to loose custody of her other child.

Just say no to anymore babysitting and explain why, she won't be happy about it but you need to put your family first

kimann · 27/04/2017 20:15

Wow - your a very kind person. It does sound like she's taking advantage of all of you (especially you) because she knows you all will help does to the previous incident. I think you need to tell her no. I mean helping out once I a whilenis fine - but where do you get your rest?! She helps you three times a year and over the summer but you've already had her baby over three nights in 9 weeks?! Has she ever thought you might like a drink and relax as well? She sounds a bit selfish (and young?) good luck op.

PotteringAlong · 27/04/2017 20:15

But she isn't coping. People who are coping do not have their 9 week old regularly staying away overnight. If she has only had them for one weekend since they were born how old were they for the first time they were left? 7 days old? 14?

Letseatgrandma · 27/04/2017 20:17

If she has already had a child removed, and is still prioritising drinking, im not sure id be bending over backwards to enable her keeping this one

Snap. You're not helping her out here.

beekeeper17 · 27/04/2017 20:17

If it was me, I would suggest to her that she could come and stay over with the baby at yours the odd time (not every weekend) if you want to help support her. I guess it depends on what space you have but that way she's still responsible for the baby but knows you're around if she feels overwhelmed. There's a big difference in having some support to help you look after your own baby and taking advantage of other people's kindness so you can relax and go out drinking every weekend! I obviously don't know the details of what happened with her other child but I'd say this would be raising a flag with her social worker if they found out.

Original poster

NoMoreBones · 27/04/2017 20:18

She says it was not getting a break with her other child which made her unable to cope, that's why everyone is bending over backwards this time. It is hard to know what is best sometimes.
She is incredibly selfish sometimes but would help me out if I needed/wanted her too. She doesn't seem to realise though that her offering to have the kids when she was unemployed witg no dependants is a bit different to me having her brand new baby when i have a job and 3 kids of my own.

OP posts:

Original poster

NoMoreBones · 27/04/2017 20:22

Pottering the baby was just over a week old when they left the hospital on the Thursday and I had her on the saturday because Dsis said she was tired.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind having the baby Usually, I have 3 others so one more doesn't make a whole lot of difference I just thought given the circumstance she shouldn't be trying to take advantage.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 27/04/2017 20:22

Oh come off it, she went off for a fortnight! When people say they want a break, they mean they want to be able to shower in peace, not to go off for a couple of weeks!

You have enough on your plate and your support should be listening to her, giving her an hour off maybe, or helping her with shopping or whatever, not having her baby overnight.

So her social worker doesn't realise she's giving you the baby for overnights?

Original poster

NoMoreBones · 27/04/2017 20:24

I'm not sure if her social worker knows, I would assume not if I am being honest but I can't confirm that. She doesn't realise that me and the other siblings know that the others have been having her if that makes sense.
We have spoke about it because it's concerning us that one or the other seem to have her.

OP posts:

SnoozeTime · 27/04/2017 20:26

She needs to take responsibility for herself. She had a baby and has everyone else raising it. Time for her and her partner to get a reality check and grow up.

harderandharder2breathe · 27/04/2017 20:27

You have to put yourself your own children first. It's nice that you're all supporting your sister, but it shouldn't be at such detriment to your own family.

You need to focus on getting on track with DS's condition. Having a 9 year old who can play with your kids and understand "hang on five minutes while I sort this out for DS", can take herself to the toilet, get herself s drink and snack etc is utterly different to a totally dependent 9 week old infant. So don't feel guilty for helping out your friend but not your sister, it's not remotely comparable

She has a partner, they can sort themselves out. Your own child needs you more.

Littlefish · 27/04/2017 20:28

I think you need to speak to the social worker. Leaving her child this much suggests that she is having trouble forming a bond with the baby which could be very damaging to the child.

noitsnotme · 27/04/2017 20:28

She already lost custody of one child, yet clearly has no qualms about offloading this one?! Her partner should be supporting her. If that's actually what she needs. I have my doubts.

thethoughtfox · 27/04/2017 20:29

Don't facilitate this; if she can't cope, she needs proper support and the child may need foster care for a while.

Original poster

NoMoreBones · 27/04/2017 20:31

HarderandHarder thanks, that is exactly what I needed to hear. I was thinking the same thing but then I was doubting myself, thinking well I had already agreed. I just totally forgot so then let her down at the last min.

OP posts:

MaudGonneMad · 27/04/2017 20:33

Poor baby.

44PumpLane · 27/04/2017 20:33

I had twins 21 weeks ago and was getting approx 2 hours sleep per night max for the first 6 weeks. After that it moved to approx 4/5hours.
My Mum insisted on having them overnight when they were just over 5 weeks old to give me and my husband a break- we didn't go out, we didn't booze it up, we slept!!! Went to bed at 9 and didn't wake up for 12 hours.
If she was struggling enough to truly need help, she wouldn't be going out drinking on all these nights off she's getting, she'd be using the break to catch up on sleep.

I think you're all being too kind. Offer to go over one morning so she can have a few hours sleep instead

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 27/04/2017 20:33

OP, I'm saying this very kindly, you have enough on your plate, and that little baby, shouldn't be passed around, she should be safe at home, with her Mummy. Your Sister needs some help, bonding with her daughter. I know you mean well, but you know that it's a problem, that would be better addressed sooner, rather than later.
I hold your little boy is okay. 🌸

Original poster

NoMoreBones · 27/04/2017 20:34

TheThoughFox if it came to the baby being removed it would probably be expected that I take her on and I just don't see how I could cope with that at the moment. You don't just let family go into care though.

OP posts:

harderandharder2breathe · 27/04/2017 20:36

Don't doubt yourself, I'm glad hearing it from someone else helped a little

You didn't "just forget", you had serious stuff going on for your own family that occupied your head space, which is completely normal!

Her and her husband want to go for dinner. Missing it really, really, really isn't the end of the world and she'll probably try and get someone else to have the baby anyway

Original poster

NoMoreBones · 27/04/2017 20:40

Harder she already did try someone else, our other sister had come round to see how ds is getting on and she text her asking for an overnight as dsis doesn't work fridays. When dsis said no she has a busy day tomorrow other dsis said oh ok, you can have her next weekend instead.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 27/04/2017 20:40

Her behaviour isn't normal. Most parents are bowled over by their precious newborns and don't let them out of their sight.
Something has gone really wrong for her.
Is she an alcoholic/drug addict/both?

harderandharder2breathe · 27/04/2017 20:42

It sounds a really hard situation for you all. But you and your other sister are doing the right thing to put your own families/lives first. Your sister is an adult. With a partner. Who chose to have a baby. She and he both need to take responsibility for that baby.

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/04/2017 20:43

"I dont mind helping out occasionally, but every week is not occasionally! You have a baby now, its time to put yourself second instead of shipping her off to whoever will have her. You might not like hearing this but its the truth, you are her mother and its your job to raise her not mine or our other siblings"

And dont expect her to ever babysit again but tbh it doesnt sound like she would have done anyway. Be prepared for the fact that when her and her partner split up, she will probably do the same again :(

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