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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is Dsis taking the P or am I being insensitive?

165 replies

NoMoreBones · 27/04/2017 19:42

Sister had a baby 9 weeks ago, I have had her 3 times overnight in that time, other siblings once and twice each so she has only actually had the baby at the weekend once since birth. So not like she doesn't get a break.

My son wad admitted to hospital on Sunday and was diagnosed with type one diabetes. We are just learning about carb counting and monitoring blood sugars etc, it's all new and d's needs supervising and sometimes help. I am preparing his 4 meals and 2 snacks each day.
As a single mum (I have a bf but it's early days and he doesn't live with is) with 2 other kids it is very full on and I have had to take the week off work to meet with the care team and nutritionist and school.

Yesterday dsis asked me to have the baby overnight on Saturday, I already have a friends child staying all weekend while she works and it was all arranged before this so I am still going ahead, this chikd is 9 so doesn't need immediate attention and can get herself a drink/snack etc. So anyeay I said sorry I have X this weekend I can't manage another.

Before the medical issues with D'S I had agreed to have the baby tonight for a few hours while sis and her partner go out for dinner. I totally forgot all about since with havibg so much going on. I got a text earlier saying do I want to have the baby overnight now since I am off work tomorrow.

So my AIBU is am I BY to be pissed off that dsis is still expecting me to have a 9 week old baby that feeds 3 hourly when i have so much else going on and that she wants to push it for more since I am off, without a thought to the fact that I have 3 separate appointments to deal with tomorrow and enough on my plate!

OP posts:

diddl · 27/04/2017 21:23

"We don't want her to end up in that situation again"

Think about the baby, not her.

Alwayshungryforcrisps · 27/04/2017 21:26

I also think that you should speak with her social worker, you sound lovely but this baby needs prioritising over your sister and it's care needs are most important

Kittykatclaws · 27/04/2017 21:26

Why is the partner allowing this? Is he as bad as your sister? Could you talk to him first?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 27/04/2017 21:27

You and your family are doing a great disservice to this poor little baby. Do you want her to grow up with a sense of being unwanted and now clear attachments to people?

Being taken into care is probably the only way this baby will end up with a secure childhood, if her idiot parents dont grow up.

Hope your son feels better.

RandomMess · 27/04/2017 21:29

DSIS

DS actually has a very serious condition that can be fatal, I really need to devote my time and attention to him now.
If you don't want the day to day responsibility of baby or can't cope you need to tell your social worker not hand baby around from pillar to post

Support is people going around so she can sleep, have some contact etc. it's not about letting her be a part time mum.

QuietNameChange · 27/04/2017 21:32

Can you try talking to her? Telling her how children need to form attachement etc?

If not... Yes, I think you have to talk to a social worker. In the case of her first child that child was fortunate enough to apparently (?) have a caring dad. If this one doesn't have one? Poor baby :(

Ceto · 27/04/2017 21:32

That poor baby must be incredibly confused, and frankly this is setting her up for attachment disorder. I agree that you and your family need to put the baby first, not your sister. And certainly you must prioritise your own child at the moment.

scottishdiem · 27/04/2017 21:38

Huh? 9 weeks? From reading so many threads on here I thought babies were permanently attached to their mothers still at this stage as they cant possibly be left with other people and fathers are very unreasonable to even think about interrupting the sacred breastfeeding bonding ask to feed their own children.

PurpleMinionMummy · 27/04/2017 21:38

Yanbu.

Where is her partner in all this? It seems very odd he is going along with her palming THEIR baby off all the time. Why isn't HE facilitating her breaks if that's what she needs?

228agreenend · 27/04/2017 21:39

You certainly should put your dc and family first. You have a lot to deal,with at the moment.

I can't believe dsis is palming her baby off to,other people so,frequently. Most new mums can't bear to be parted from their new baby, even if they are not sleeping through. That to me is a red flag. Is she a good mum tomthe baby during the day?

Birdsgottaf1y · 27/04/2017 21:41

OP, you know that the SW doesn't know, otherwise you would have been part of the investigation and plan.

""if it came to the baby being removed it would probably be expected that I take her on""

Well at present you are colluding with your Sister to not be honest with what's happening and by what you have written here, you're not doing what is best for Mum or Baby.

So you might find that the baby doesn't stay within the family.

Your Sister is having the same issues as she was, perhaps not in entirety, but the effect is the same.

She isn't bonding, or taking responsibility. She could be getting help, but you are all blocking that by covering up for her.

This is why children linger in neglectful homes, because the families make it look ok, but don't step in enough,long term, so the child does not suffer.

Within the nine weeks, you are already too busy and you say that you can't pledge care for eighteen years, so do what you have to and contact the SW.

This is a crucial stage because in about a month, the baby will be looking to attach and if this is altered, then you've all caused long term MH issues.

contrary13 · 27/04/2017 21:41

A 9 week old baby being regularly left - albeit with it's aunt, who undoubtedly wants what is best for it...?! What on earth is your sister thinking, never mind doing?! As a PP said, is she okay?!

No, you're not being unreasonable. In the slightest. What bond does your sister hope to build with her own baby?!

Original poster

NoMoreBones · 27/04/2017 21:42

She just said that the social worker knows about the overnights.

There is a huge thing that affects us trying to build a relationship with the baby and I didn't mention it in the first post because the thread was about me saying no because of my son and not really about the amount we have the baby but both dsis and her partner are awaiting trial for a serious crime and will likely be looking at custodial sentences. The baby is on a chikd protection plan and we are all trying to build attachments with her incase one of us ends up as family carer.

Sorry to stop feed but my thread really wasn't about this so it wasn't relevant to my post.

awaits troll accusations

OP posts:

JustSpeakSense · 27/04/2017 21:45

I light of your update, I agree with attempting to bond with the baby as much as possible. I really admire you doing this and understand your willingness to have the baby frequently at such a young age. But, within reason, you also have a lot on your plate by the sounds of it.

Alwayshungryforcrisps · 27/04/2017 21:47

Bloody hell what a nightmare . Would it not be better to let the baby go into foster care to be adopted, rather than letting her stay with a mum who's likely to end up in prison anyway?

Iamastonished · 27/04/2017 21:48

It sounds like she didn't really want this baby. By taking the child off her hands all you are doing is enabling her behaviour.

Is your sister still addicted to drugs/alcohol? Is her partner an addict?

You must tell the social worker about the overnight stays. This issue is about the baby's well-being not about whether your sister keeps her baby. Has she not learned from what happened before?

WinkyisbackontheButterBeer · 27/04/2017 21:49

No troll accusations here.
I think that what you are doing is amazing and that your dn is very lucky to have an auntie who cares as much as you do.
I can completely understand allowing yourself to be taken advantage of by someone who you know is not really doing their best when it's to the benefit of an innocent lo.
However, your immediate family need you right now and need to be put first. There should be no guilt in that. Your sister should understand this but from what you have said I would assume that she will refuse to understand as it inconveniences her.
Please make sure that you are looking after yourself as well as everyone else

contrary13 · 27/04/2017 21:50

Okay, the thread moved on whilst I was writing my response.

If your sister has already lost a child, is prioritising herself and her life over that of a 9 week old baby who, at the end of the day, didn't actually ask to be born into this life... then you need to (a) stop enabling... yes, enabling your sister and (b) call her social worker/Children's Services. Because if she can leave one child and not look back until it suits her... well. How would you cope with a child recently diagnosed with diabetes and a newborn baby who legally isn't yours?

Your sister needs intervention and/or help. And believe me, I don't say that lightly.

Original poster

NoMoreBones · 27/04/2017 21:51

She is supposedly clean, she is certainly not be having how she did before. I don't know if the social worker is testing her or not.

Crisps that would probably be the best outcome for the baby but social services are happy for her to stay with her parents so it's not my place to overrule them.

OP posts:

Sayhellotothelittlefella · 27/04/2017 21:51

no more bones I'm so sorry to hear your DS's diagnosis- We have had a similar issue with auto immune disease (controlled by diet) that we are still getting to grips with over a year later. It occupies all your time and thinking. You have a challenge ahead that means you really have to devote so much attention to DS that you cannot be expected to almost be a co-parent of a 9 week old at the drop of a hat.
It also really bothers me that she only managed two nights at home with a brand new baby before asking someone else to have them. This, to me, rings serious alarm bells.
Can Dsis not see that you are a single parent with 3 children and a serious medical issue to deal with therefore it is unreasonable to expect you to have her baby as well so she and her DP can be childless whenever they choose. She sounds unbelievably selfish. You need to tell her "my son is ill, he needs me - and your baby needs you" somebody has to tell her to step up.
Sorry to sound harsh but I think however much you do she will always want more and see you as the unreasonable selfish one if you're unable help at any point

Zoflorabore · 27/04/2017 21:52

Dear god op I'm sorry but your sister sounds a disgrace, poor little baby.

You sound lovely and it's clear you want what's best for the little girl, are you in a position to take her should your sister go to prison?
You have a lot on your plate with your poorly boy and other dc and a job but I appreciate that you want the baby to stay within the family.
Do you all have contact with first dc? This is a really sad situation and I know that it's likely your sister is still using something or she wouldn't have so little regard for the baby, drugs become number one and not children.

Is the home environment clean tidy safe etc?
I would be worried sick, best of luck

Only1scoop · 27/04/2017 21:53

YANBU at all Op

JustSpeakSense · 27/04/2017 21:55

however much you do she will always want more and see you as the unreasonable selfish

^this is very accurate

Welshrainbow · 27/04/2017 21:56

I'm so sorry OP this seems like a crap situation all around and obviously you are not being unreasonable on saying no about tonight or this weekend. Is your sister in court very soon? If she is given a custodial sentence do you intend to be assessed as a carer for the baby? If so building a bond with the baby is obviously going to make that situation easier so maybe plan another day you can have her or maybe a trip out with your sis and the baby all together.

Original poster

NoMoreBones · 27/04/2017 22:00

Sayhello that is exactly what I always think about her, give her an inch and she takes a mile. You can't just have the baby for a few hours, she pushed it to overnight, then in the morning pick up gets later and latet and then she wants you to drop her off.

Zoflora I would love to but I am not sure how I would cope. It depends what sentence she is looking at. She was initially told 3 - 5 years but that can vary depending of she pleads guilty or of she agrees to plead guilty to a lesser charge etc but we won't know till after she speaks to the solicitor and sees what evidence they have on her.

OP posts:

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