FUMING about this man's comments on my lunch at the supermarket!

[LunchRant]

Working from home today. Extremely stressed as I'm really behind on deadlines for things. Decided to pop out for some fresh air and lunch. Went to the big Tesco near me and was browsing the lunch aisle (meal deal sandwiches etc) when a guy just walks by and tuts. Then he says "That's fattening. Definitely fattening."

I have definitely went up a size recently due to not having time to do my usual exercise routine, crappy sleep, and snacking for energy while i'm up at midnight typing/working. But the madness will end by the end of May and I can focus on losing weight again. Not my priority right now.

So i immediately got angry. Told him that he'd best stay away from it then (It was a hummus, falafel wrap btw). He giggled. Still didn't budge. He said something like he's been losing the same battle with his stomach for years. But his wife is still as thin as the day they got married. Then advised me to "stay away from all that. Fresh air is all that you need."

I asked if that's all his wife ate, fresh air. And i asked him to come over and tell me what i should be eating then. I was quite arsey. "Come on. since you've got such an opinion on what i should eat. Come and choose for me."

Another woman who had recently appeared in the aisle said i should calm down. Clearly the man was just trying to make conversation. I told her he should have said hello then and commented on the rain like a normal person. Not comment on my calorie intake.

Then the man starts acting like a victim. "now, now, that's not what i meant. Just being friendly." Tesco employee emerges, just walking by, and the woman informs him that I'm harassing an elderly gentleman.

The employee looked a bit awkward. Asked if everything was okay. I just grumbled 'fuck this'. Put down the bottle of water i was holding, swapped it for a full fat bottle of irn bru and also got a packet of crisps. Childishly said a big 'Yum'. Then told the man "you should be ashamed of yourself." then went and paid.

15 minute walk home and I'm still reeling!

Yes i over reacted. Yes i am half a stone overweight in terms of BMI. Yes i'm still stuffing myself into size 12 clothes when i'm now a 14. And yes, i'm touchy about it.

But i am so pissed off that someone feels it's their right to comment on what someone else eats (especially when he was clearly overweight himself!)

And i'm also pissed off that the woman just passed it off as 'friendly chatter'.

I now don't think i can go back there for a few weeks as I'm so embarrassed. Can't even stomach eating this lunch now as i'm actually feeling guilty about eating something so 'fattening'. Arsehole.

Also can't find the motivation to continue with this work. An hour til DD finishes school. Was hoping i'd make some progress today. Nope!

OMG, this was totally sexist and totally shitty and I applaud you and your reaction OP!

Lol. Yes, when some elderly person makes a mildly inappropriate comment going batshit and shouting at them till people have to intervene is totally applause worthy. You encourage her to act deranged for your own amusement, go you, 😂😂😂

OP is not a fucking victim! A victim of what? Accidental offence? Poor conversation opener? Honestly, this is farcical! I am actually offended (it's catching) on behalf of all proper victims. People who have been robbed, abused, attacked, victimised, bullied......you know, actual victims. What next? Maybe she could go to the police, get a crime number, they can investigate.

Lol. Yes, when some elderly person makes a mildly inappropriate comment going batshit and shouting at them till people have to intervene is totally applause worthy. You encourage her to act deranged for your own amusement, go you

I will, thanks.

FWIW, your 'mildly inappropriate' is someone else's 'extremely insulting'. OP doesn't seem to have gone batshit or deranged, she got angry and talked back to a man who talked to her, uninvited, first. Oh noes!

Agree unbelievable how easy some people use the victim word. Some would have him hang, drawn and quartered for his 'crime', quite laughable but more sad really.

YANBU OP

It gives me the proper rage when complete strangers think it's ok to judge and comment completely uninvited.

I've just caught up with this thread.
It seems to be half "laugh it off" and half "tell him to fuck off."
I wonder how many in each camp have personal knowledge or experience of lonely older people. Not necessarily suffering from dementia, or autism, but just loneliness. If you don't speak to people very often you can lose the knack of what to say. OP I am sad that you upset this old man. He could have been my dad, who loved a chat with a pretty woman, and was from a different age. Have a bit of humanity. It's not all about you and whatever obsession you have with your body shape.

Threads I expect to read soon.

Random man says "All those lunch choices look so tempting"
OP: He can see I'm a thin woman, why is he trying to provoke my eating disorder! What a sexist bastard!

Random man says "I never know which of these lunch choices is a healthy one"
OP: He can see I'm struggling to decide, why is he trying to make my health anxiety worse?! What a sexist bastard!

Random man says: (nothing at all, just grunts a little as he makes a selection)
OP: How dare he grunt like that! I bet he's trying to intimidate me just because I'm a woman! What a sexist bastard!

Agree with vichette

Agree @Brexitsucks

YANBU at all.
You were already feeling bad.
Social pressure on women and girls to obsess about their weight and appearance takes up too much time in our day. You were already feeling that pressure having internalised this. This man by verbalising this was like a embodiment of what you were already feeling. So yes maybe you blew a fuse. BUT that is totally understandable. His comments were entitled and judgy, this attitude to women is rife, which is why he and the other woman were shocked. Good, maybe they'll think next time.
I agree, fuck off (politely) could have worked as a first response.
You blew up and vented, that's good, instead of being internalising it. Next time try not to put yourself under so much pressure to start with. That way it'll be easier to come up with a witty put down, and come away feeling good x

Thank GOD for the last 3 posts.....thought I was in a parallel universe for a minute then. Self obsessed or what? WTAF.......

He had no business commenting - you over reacted for totally understandable reasons. Just a bit of a silly thing. Forget it and carry on as before.

Hang on - not including that last one (Fairysnuff321)!!!

Oh ffs. Some of these replies are downright ridiculous.

I really wish i'd left the 'elderly' bit out of my OP. I wonder if all these posts excusing the guy's behaviour would still be the same? I'm actually really disheartened to see the majority think i should have just laughed it off or ignored. And i am quite disgusted at some of these comments from people relaying their own experiences. Particularly the woman who laughed off comments about her large chest from a taxi driver and the shop assistant about an elderly man calling her 'rough'. Why the hell would you tolerate that? Am i living in a completely different planet to think people should treat others with more respect? Here's a comment from my gran that might go well down here since you all seem to love elderly folk and they can do no wrong - If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing.

It makes me sad that a lot of you are teaching your own daughter/nieces/students to a) automatically give respect to a man just because he is older; b) laugh off derogatory comments so as 'not to cause a scene'; c) not show your emotions publicly for risk of inconveniencing others by making them feel uncomfortable.

Fuck that.

Respect is something to be earned, not automatically given. I don't care what age, sex, ethnicity, etc etc etc someone is. I'm a firm believer in equality.

Again:

I am glad i responded and told him what i thought of his comments.
What i do regret is how agitated i became which made my mind foggy so i couldn't respond in the way i now wish i had. Which would have been much the same but just in a calmer manner.

To clarify:

ONE person intervened. The other woman who appeared halfway through the exchange. The employee was simply just passing by, minding his own business, when she asked him to stop and accused me off harassing the man. The employee looked visibly awkward as he had seen no such harassment and asked us both if everything was okay.

Yes, i am stressed out these days. But i honestly think that had i been in the best moods and that man still made those comments, I would still answer back and make him aware that he was out of line.

I'm glad there are at least a few people on this thread who understand the situation for what it is: a rude man tutting at me, stopping for not other reason than to comment on my food choices, and waiting for a reaction.

For some reason, the situation described in my OP translates to many of you as: two shoppers browsing the same shelves. Elderly dear old innocent, lonely, recently bereaved man (with possible ASD and dementia) makes a lovely comment to initiate conversation. Crazy, stressed, sensitive woman over reacts at being spoken to by a stranger. Yell and screams and berates at the elderly man and emotionally scars him for life so that he will never dare make conversation with another person again.

NO.

Small talk between strangers happens all the time where i live. I am quite capable of differentiating this from rude, shitty marks from rude, shitty people.

Anyway. That particular situation is behind me. Though i'm feeling an all new level of pissed-offedness reading through these replies and despairing for my child's future. I may as well tell her just now then she's not allowed to be upset or be offended by anything an elderly man may say or do to her. Because, you know, he'll be old. And old men are perfect and deserve respect. No matter what.

OP read your OP.....

OP, an old guy pointed out you're a bit plump, get over it.
Lots of people pay for advice on healthy eating.

I don't think the man was the sensitive one in this interaction.

And yes - there are women who are virtually suicidal about their weight. there are also people who are virtually suicidal about their loneliness, or about their difficulties in interacting socially.

For those women who, like the OP are excessively concerned about a minor amount of "overweight", maybe responding less aggressively to comments of this kind will help them to become more self-accepting and less self-loathing.

And as for your comment about an over-reaction being just a reaction - you could say that about any response.

Vague rumours of possible weapons of mass destruction - bomb the hell out of them! Reaction or over-reaction?
His wife has burned the dinner? Smash her face in. Reaction or over-reaction?

The damage remains.

We can only control other people's behaviour by controlling our own. That doesn't mean being a doormat. It means making our feelings felt in an assertive and reasonable manner. Not by screaming like a banshee at a comparatively innocuous remark. If we react like this to a mild comment, what response do we have left for a really serious one? Responses should be appropriate to the initial goad.

OP the man said "that's fattening" so you "immediately got angry" (your words). He didn't insult you, he made an observation about the food. God knows what you'd have done if he'd actually insulted your arse, punched him in the face? You need to chill out. You are the only inappropriate one in this post, you were stressed, sensitive about your weight and you reacted disproportionately. I don't pity my daughter growing up in this day and age, I'll teach her not to take her issues out on other people, and control her temper.

I can't work out the "oh he's old, you should respect him" comments. Ian Brady's old, I don't want to discuss my sandwich selection with him either.

Also yes, I have direct experience with elderly, lonely people. But this man is at least married. And I personally will pass the time of day with random people in the local supermarket.

Anyone who thinks his comment was fine, ask yourself this, would he have looked at a man's lunch choice and said "that's fattening" and then told them they could live on thin air? I'm leaning towards not. He would have respected a man's personal space, not been quite so bothered about a man's appearance and also been worried that a man might lamp him or tell him to fuck off.

He was relying on the OP as a woman to smile and nod. Now I'm not saying yelling the odds is great, particularly since it upset the OP * but I think some response to him to point out that he was rude is absolutely fine.

• and I wonder how much that upset was because she was having to fight against social expectation to be a good girl and smile at the nice elderly man.

Gabilan - you weren't there but you know what he was thinking, wow.

Best thing to do is totally ignore as if he'd never spoken. Difficult but more effective. (This is why I never shop in Tesco.I don't like the atmosphere.)

Anyone who thinks his comment was fine, ask yourself this, would he have looked at a man's lunch choice and said "that's fattening" and then told them they could live on thin air? I'm leaning towards not

You are probably right. I expect that is because women as a sex have the reputation of being caring. That would make his comment more misandrist than misogynist. He thought he was speaking to the kinder sex.

Well, OP certainly disabused him of that misapprehension.

Lol Redactio

OP is clearly high strung.

*Anyone who thinks his comment was fine, ask yourself this, would he have looked at a man's lunch choice and said "that's fattening" and then told them they could live on thin air? I'm leaning towards not. He would have respected a man's personal space, not been quite so bothered about a man's appearance and also been worried that a man might lamp him or tell him to fuck off.

He was relying on the OP as a woman to smile and nod*

Well said.

Fuck that.