FUMING about this man's comments on my lunch at the supermarket!

[LunchRant]

Working from home today. Extremely stressed as I'm really behind on deadlines for things. Decided to pop out for some fresh air and lunch. Went to the big Tesco near me and was browsing the lunch aisle (meal deal sandwiches etc) when a guy just walks by and tuts. Then he says "That's fattening. Definitely fattening."

I have definitely went up a size recently due to not having time to do my usual exercise routine, crappy sleep, and snacking for energy while i'm up at midnight typing/working. But the madness will end by the end of May and I can focus on losing weight again. Not my priority right now.

So i immediately got angry. Told him that he'd best stay away from it then (It was a hummus, falafel wrap btw). He giggled. Still didn't budge. He said something like he's been losing the same battle with his stomach for years. But his wife is still as thin as the day they got married. Then advised me to "stay away from all that. Fresh air is all that you need."

I asked if that's all his wife ate, fresh air. And i asked him to come over and tell me what i should be eating then. I was quite arsey. "Come on. since you've got such an opinion on what i should eat. Come and choose for me."

Another woman who had recently appeared in the aisle said i should calm down. Clearly the man was just trying to make conversation. I told her he should have said hello then and commented on the rain like a normal person. Not comment on my calorie intake.

Then the man starts acting like a victim. "now, now, that's not what i meant. Just being friendly." Tesco employee emerges, just walking by, and the woman informs him that I'm harassing an elderly gentleman.

The employee looked a bit awkward. Asked if everything was okay. I just grumbled 'fuck this'. Put down the bottle of water i was holding, swapped it for a full fat bottle of irn bru and also got a packet of crisps. Childishly said a big 'Yum'. Then told the man "you should be ashamed of yourself." then went and paid.

15 minute walk home and I'm still reeling!

Yes i over reacted. Yes i am half a stone overweight in terms of BMI. Yes i'm still stuffing myself into size 12 clothes when i'm now a 14. And yes, i'm touchy about it.

But i am so pissed off that someone feels it's their right to comment on what someone else eats (especially when he was clearly overweight himself!)

And i'm also pissed off that the woman just passed it off as 'friendly chatter'.

I now don't think i can go back there for a few weeks as I'm so embarrassed. Can't even stomach eating this lunch now as i'm actually feeling guilty about eating something so 'fattening'. Arsehole.

Also can't find the motivation to continue with this work. An hour til DD finishes school. Was hoping i'd make some progress today. Nope!

My goodness! What a lot of rubbish I am reading. Must remember not to chat to anyone when I am out. Must remember that the average younger female is a delicate creature who cannot tolerate light hearted banter. I am a retired female who chats to people everywhere I go. So far I have been lucky enough not to encounter anything but friendly responses but this post is definitely a warning. Perhaps it is because I tend to talk to the older generation who have had enough in their lives to put pettiness into perspective and have a good laugh. Lighten up you complainers or your blood pressure will kill you at an early age.

And do you tut? And tell people buying food that its fattening and that they dont need it?

You're still focusing entirely on the (perceived) overreaction too. It's flawed logic to argue that she overreacted therefore he wasn't rude. Start with his behaviour.

This is what I think I have been trying to say only this poster has put it much better. A PP said that the OP "started it by telling him to stay away" - but she didn't start it - he did by stopping, commenting and when he saw it wasn't going down well, by not just walking away and continuing his shopping.

It would be interesting to know actually how old he is. Even older people have to move with the times to some extent - I have had to give my octogenarian parents a couple of hints - but even they at 84 and 88 would consider what this man said as "impertinent".

I must be reading a different thread. Making the connection between a lady who knows she's put on a little weight recently and a man commenting on the wrap she holding in her hand 'being fattening' not to mention he went on to tell her his wife was still as thin as the day he married her. I personally think that's bullshit but I don't believe it didn't happen, and that's reinforcing the whole 'You've no excuse to weigh more than you should' attitude.

Taking into account all the above, how can the OP be the one that's rude?

Happydays It's kind of annoying that you call it 'lighthearted banter'. Can you not see that there is an undercurrent of judgement (and not even a very subtle one).

Banter is usually the go-to word for excusing mean behaviour.

It may well have been rude, everyday sexism, though more likely just an old man trying to chat and getting it wrong, but who came out of that situation feeling the worst? You did!!

The man and staff don't go away enlightened about anything. They just thought you were a nutter.

You went away reeling, having lost your rag, feeling worse about yourself, more stressed, embarrassed and with different food to what you wanted.

What a complete waste of time.

HappyDays as long as you don't give unsolicited advice on a persons lunch choice you'll be fine.

I'm a (semi) retired female too HappyDays and very ready to chat - but if you started critiquing my food choices and implying I am overweight when all I was trying to do was my shopping, then you would get a Hard Stare!

Must remember that the average younger female is a feisty, independent human, who takes no bullshit from anyone delicate creature who cannot tolerate light hearted banter sexist slurs

Fixed that for you happydays

He was very very rude. I wish ehse men would butt out of things. I was walking abroad on a beach and every single day 2 years ago some man said something (and no I wasnt in a bikini) - it would be sometimes supposedly helpful like put your sandals on there are rocks ahead or it's much better to walk in bare feet. It's none of your business. Why do they always want to control women so much and give advice? Can't they just leave us alone?

It is more often men thatn women who do this in all kinds of contexts and they will say they are just being friendly (i.e. they want to have sex with me) or they are just trying to be helpful.

Sometimes it's cultural. in our local coffee shop the lady the other day said how red my face was. I am afraid I and my son constantly have a bright read face. I'd love to be black or something but why do people constantly have to comment on how my face looks?

many, if not most, elderly people have been brought up in a different social culture where passing a casual meaningless remark was just a friendly thing to do and not deliberate sexist abuse

Also elderly people have been brought up in a society where obesity was rare and overweight uncommon. Perhaps he is merely bewildered by the fact that 2/3 adults (including himself) are now overweight or obese.

How utterly depressing to see so many posters falling all over themselves to defend sexist abuse. He has a penis so obviously he has every right to harass and attack anyone he feels like!! Can't criticise the sainted penis on MN

For once, NCC and I agree on something! Well put. The sainted penis seems to be well venerated in many threads lately.

I agree. These men who think they can control us (and then they say it was just a joke and don't you have a sense of humour love... ) there are a good few of them all around.

It is not the same as saying - that looks a lovely lunch which an old person might say (or a young one). The British have never gone in for talking to strangers much anyway nor in particular making personal comments. We all were taught you avoid money, politics and religion in conversation and secondly talking about the weather tends to be safe or "have you come far" - the Queen's standard line and one I use at public events to break the ice. Actually have you come far might not be a great line to use for a woman in a super market nor nice melons. Better to stick to the weather or "it's cold in here" near the freezer section - mind you even that plenty of men would use as a line before suggesting warming you up with a cuddle.

I can't believe people are defending this man and telling the op she should have just ignored what is blatant sexism. So what if he was elderly, it's rude to comment on someone's lunch/weight no matter who you are.

Well done for standing up for yourself op.

Janet I have to say that most of the dialogue/subject matter in your post sounds very dated. Is all that really that common where you live? I live in a bustling urban area (and have also lived in several suite villages) and can't say that warming you up etc has ever been heard, sounds like a cliche out of a 1970s/80s sitcom not actual real life.

Also it depends where you live in the country, there are some parts where passing the time of day or saying hello to strangers is very common and it's not focussed on about the weather or distance travelled.

*small

its noonees business what u buy even if you were 20 stone

hed have fun in america they take obesity to a new level-but its still noone elees buiness to comment

voiceofreason You're not really much of a voice of reason, are you? Your main point seems to be that OP came off feeling worse... Well, yeah. You generally do feel bad if someone insults you...

Nice work with the 'nutter' and 'lost your rag'. Let's keep peddling those hysterical woman tropes!

Must remember that the average younger female is a delicate creature who cannot tolerate light hearted banter

Or maybe the average younger female won't tolerate the older generation or anyone else being rude and using the age card to avoid any consequences.

Why is it when someone (especially women) decides to call someone out on their bullshit behaviour they get told to lighten up and that their over reacting. It's like some sort of gas lighting

I'd imagine if the guy in the op was a younger man instead of an elderly man the responses would have been very different.

"I'd imagine if the guy in the op was a younger man instead of an elderly man the responses would have been very different."

Excellent point DeleteOrDecay Also, speaking as an old woman, you don't become a different person when you get old, in fact you feel exactly the same inside as ever. A rude young man becomes a rude old man and should be treated the same.

I'm middle-aged and I'd have found the comment utterly objectionable and sexist.

Okay so "have you come far" might not be typical conversation in my local waitrose but a comment about another shopper being fat is just absolutely over the top! The fact anyone defending it is really strange to me.

We all know how sensitive men and women are about their weight and the last thing we should be doing is going on about it to strangers in shops. Perhaps the reply should be -
"I am in a feeder relationship and for sexual purposes our fetish is that I need to gain weight to over 20 stone. It's very sexy. You should try it sometime"

I am about to go Waitrose actually. Let us see what is said. I will report back.

I was raised in a time when people openly said things that are now commonly known to be upsetting and not okay

quit saying that older people can't help it if they were "raised in a different time" it's both insulting to older people who are quite capable of behaving by modern standards, and to the victims of bad behaviour from people who just happened to be old. Being older doesn't mean someone can't just be an arsehole who does know better but still choses to be an arsehole