FUMING about this man's comments on my lunch at the supermarket!

[LunchRant]

Working from home today. Extremely stressed as I'm really behind on deadlines for things. Decided to pop out for some fresh air and lunch. Went to the big Tesco near me and was browsing the lunch aisle (meal deal sandwiches etc) when a guy just walks by and tuts. Then he says "That's fattening. Definitely fattening."

I have definitely went up a size recently due to not having time to do my usual exercise routine, crappy sleep, and snacking for energy while i'm up at midnight typing/working. But the madness will end by the end of May and I can focus on losing weight again. Not my priority right now.

So i immediately got angry. Told him that he'd best stay away from it then (It was a hummus, falafel wrap btw). He giggled. Still didn't budge. He said something like he's been losing the same battle with his stomach for years. But his wife is still as thin as the day they got married. Then advised me to "stay away from all that. Fresh air is all that you need."

I asked if that's all his wife ate, fresh air. And i asked him to come over and tell me what i should be eating then. I was quite arsey. "Come on. since you've got such an opinion on what i should eat. Come and choose for me."

Another woman who had recently appeared in the aisle said i should calm down. Clearly the man was just trying to make conversation. I told her he should have said hello then and commented on the rain like a normal person. Not comment on my calorie intake.

Then the man starts acting like a victim. "now, now, that's not what i meant. Just being friendly." Tesco employee emerges, just walking by, and the woman informs him that I'm harassing an elderly gentleman.

The employee looked a bit awkward. Asked if everything was okay. I just grumbled 'fuck this'. Put down the bottle of water i was holding, swapped it for a full fat bottle of irn bru and also got a packet of crisps. Childishly said a big 'Yum'. Then told the man "you should be ashamed of yourself." then went and paid.

15 minute walk home and I'm still reeling!

Yes i over reacted. Yes i am half a stone overweight in terms of BMI. Yes i'm still stuffing myself into size 12 clothes when i'm now a 14. And yes, i'm touchy about it.

But i am so pissed off that someone feels it's their right to comment on what someone else eats (especially when he was clearly overweight himself!)

And i'm also pissed off that the woman just passed it off as 'friendly chatter'.

I now don't think i can go back there for a few weeks as I'm so embarrassed. Can't even stomach eating this lunch now as i'm actually feeling guilty about eating something so 'fattening'. Arsehole.

Also can't find the motivation to continue with this work. An hour til DD finishes school. Was hoping i'd make some progress today. Nope!

Great highlighting of everyday sexism which we tolerate all the more from old men sorry to say.

I disagree, Ginger. Women also praise other women for weight loss, women praise men and men even praise other men. Simple reason is that being overweight is unhealthy for body and mind, losing weight makes people look and feel better. Hence praise and encouragement from others.

Micro aggressions are just that - aggressions

I think you're missing the point. It's the extemeness of the ops reaction. If you perceive it as a micro aggression you respond in the same micro way, not start shouting in Tesco to the extent that others have to get involved and you're accused by strangers of loudly berating the elderly. She could have closed the conversation, not called him back and started shouting at him.

If she didn't like what he said she could have said "it is none of your business" or "I don't appreciate your comment" shouting at the old dude to come back so she could shout at him some more is just an extreme over reaction. There is a way to handle things and escalating it to the level that people have to get involved and you're too embarrassed to go back to the shop and posting about it on mumsnet then you know you went too far.

And people shouldn't be encouraging her to act deranged by telling her they would have shouted fuck off to the other side of fuck and much worse at the old guy, because quite frankly that's probably bullshit and they'd have done no such thing.

And people shouldn't be encouraging her to act deranged by telling her they would have shouted fuck off to the other side of fuck and much worse at the old guy, because quite frankly that's probably bullshit and they'd have done no such thing. Isn't that the truth. I've begun to think that these MNetters who encourage others to shout 'Fuck Off' are timid little souls quivering at the edge of life.

I never tell anyone they've lost weight /put on weight. It's a minefield and not my business. However I'll always say "you look amazing" or "your hair is gorgeous, who's your hairdresser?" (I actually did switch to hers!) or whatever. But I don't like the implication that "you looked worse before". I had a super day a while ago and thought I looked really well. My mother told me afterwards "you looked so very tired" - not necessary, the day was over! Maybe I'm oversensitive but I've had well-meaning comments in the past that cut to the quick. (As for wanting to encourage me to be healthy and lose weight? Feck off and sort out your own life!)

Lots of Mumsnetters seem to believe the world would be a better place if no stranger ever interacted with another. See also the zillion threads "An old lady spoke to/looked at my toddler- AIBU to hire a contract killer?"

Then they complain about feeling isolated and that no one intervened when their toddler fell over/needed help

I find comments of the 'cheer up Luv' type fucking annoying. I agree that men think it's ok to dominate/criticise women in a way they would never do to men. For all that, I'd still rather live in a world where strangers make comments that annoy than one where we all ignore each other for fear of offence.

Sometimes its best to not answer ignorant people but look at them directly whilst they are speaking so they know you definitely heard. It really pisses people off and they generally repeat it louder and so look more of an arsehole

I'm not 100% sure in this situation of the man's intention though. There is an old man who lives near me who is a sexist idiot and attempts to "tell" women what to do using his tone of voice, which the OP cannot convey. The man I know would say " get your toddler out of the pram he's too big" as opposed to " isn't he a little big for the pram", or "go to that checkout" rather than "number 2 is quieter" or "let your dog off the lead" rather than "why don't you unleash him?" etc. I continue as I was doing but completely ignore. He's an arse but he won't be changed now. He sees "young woman with pram" and assumes "easy to dominate". I see " sexist prat" but many will see "little old man" so you have to be careful!

@merchantofvenice i'm glad someone is talking sense around here.

Like I said earlier, this was not a case of friendly chit chat and all the posters berating op for overreacting & getting up in arms about "oh what's the world coming to when a sweet old man can't even open his mouth" are entirely missing the point.

Again, look at what type of reaction that kind of remark is trying to elicit. It wasn't a friendly one. Ultimately, albeit perhaps subconsciously, the guy wanted to make her feel small. It probably seems normal to him to talk to all women that way because no one has ever set him straight.

This isn't about whether a size 14 is fat or not, his line of conversation was unacceptable!!

Why can't we all expect better, from everyone? Until then, we're going to keep on being infantalized & patronized by guys under the guise of 'it's just a joke, lighten up'.

We deserve better!!!

Surely it is only rude if intended as such

No - you can be unintentionally rude, but it is still rude.

Sounds as if your stress got transferred to the silly remark. Do you usually get rattled so easily? If you were 16 stone I could understand it but nudging size 14 is hardly an affliction. I think if he had thought you overweight he wouldn't have said it. If he was elderly he was probably retired and enjoys making conversation.

Ffs he was making conversation you made yourself look an arse

And he's right the calories in that falafel wrap are unreal

We need to remember too, that we are all products of our time, and many, if not most, elderly people have been brought up in a different social culture where passing a casual meaningless remark was just a friendly thing to do and not deliberate sexist abuse.

I'm sorry you for so upset by this OP, but I think you over-reacted to a comment with no ill intent behind it. Your response says more about how you feel about your minimal excess weight than about what your "assailant" or anyone else thinks.

This man made a point of stopping to comment on the food the OP was holding, that would have annoyed me too. It isn't just what he said but the atmosphere that he conveyed too. The OP perceived it as a personal attack which I believe it was otherwise he would have watched away when he didn't get a friendly response from OP.

When an arsehole gets old does he stop being an arsehole, does he get a free pass then?

*walked not watched

I have stopped trying to teach pigs to sing. Enjoy the thread.

bluntness no, I believe you are missing the point. The whole issue of microaggressions is that they build up and build up and make the receiver feel shit. And each perpetrator of a microaggression can do as you did and basically say 'Woah, what an overreaction!' But the point is, it's part of a bigger picture. There was a really good comic strip meme thing doing the rounds a short while ago, where microaggressions and their effects were illustrated with a comparison to mosquito bites. That was actually in relation to racism - but equally applicable to sexism (unless you're one of the posters on here who doesn't believe in sexist microaggressions, I guess).

You're still focusing entirely on the (perceived) overreaction too. It's flawed logic to argue that she overreacted therefore he wasn't rude. Start with his behaviour.

She may have overreacted by your standards. But he was unequivocally rude.

I always make friendly banter with people.

I had a taxi driver comment on my boobs and how big they were, with other inappropriate remarks. I just laughed and said they're a bugger for backache though. I wasn't going to start WW3 even though I know it's not usual taxi based conversation.

TBH, a size 14 really isn't big enough to inspire random people to walk up and tell you what to eat.

Evidently it is!

I'm glad you challenged him OP, maybe he'll think twice before doing it again. And I bet if he was a big burly builder rather than an elderly man, she other woman wouldn't have been so quick to defend him.

cheep as humans we should be aware of ourselves and of the currents in our society.

It doesn't take a genius to work out that women don't want unsolicited comments from men about their food. The man in question shouldn't need a special insight into all past comments. He should use his brain.

It's not sp much saying the overreaction was 'justified' (surely it wouldn't be an overreaction in that case?!).

It's just annoying how many people won't acknowledge the rudeness, regardless of the scale of the reaction.

The desperation of some to excuse entitled male behaviour (however 'minor') is eye-watering.

"I actually feel for the older guy.
Older people worry a lot. "

Ha, maybe if he was that worried then he shouldnt tut at people and comment on their food!

There are a lot of commenters who seem to be talking about a different situation entirely - a lovely old gent who made a gentle chatty comment, just making conversation, people dont just chat any more, isnt it lovely, bless.

The situation the OP actually described was that he was walking past, and then made a point of stopping, tutting, commenting how fattening the food she was holding was, and then telling her fresh air was all she needed and that his wife has stayed thin. How is that not food policing and sexist?