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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FUMING about this man's comments on my lunch at the supermarket!

650 replies

LunchRant · 27/04/2017 14:00

Working from home today. Extremely stressed as I'm really behind on deadlines for things. Decided to pop out for some fresh air and lunch. Went to the big Tesco near me and was browsing the lunch aisle (meal deal sandwiches etc) when a guy just walks by and tuts. Then he says "That's fattening. Definitely fattening."

I have definitely went up a size recently due to not having time to do my usual exercise routine, crappy sleep, and snacking for energy while i'm up at midnight typing/working. But the madness will end by the end of May and I can focus on losing weight again. Not my priority right now.

So i immediately got angry. Told him that he'd best stay away from it then (It was a hummus, falafel wrap btw). He giggled. Still didn't budge. He said something like he's been losing the same battle with his stomach for years. But his wife is still as thin as the day they got married. Then advised me to "stay away from all that. Fresh air is all that you need."

I asked if that's all his wife ate, fresh air. And i asked him to come over and tell me what i should be eating then. I was quite arsey. "Come on. since you've got such an opinion on what i should eat. Come and choose for me."

Another woman who had recently appeared in the aisle said i should calm down. Clearly the man was just trying to make conversation. I told her he should have said hello then and commented on the rain like a normal person. Not comment on my calorie intake.

Then the man starts acting like a victim. "now, now, that's not what i meant. Just being friendly." Tesco employee emerges, just walking by, and the woman informs him that I'm harassing an elderly gentleman.

The employee looked a bit awkward. Asked if everything was okay. I just grumbled 'fuck this'. Put down the bottle of water i was holding, swapped it for a full fat bottle of irn bru and also got a packet of crisps. Childishly said a big 'Yum'. Then told the man "you should be ashamed of yourself." then went and paid.

15 minute walk home and I'm still reeling!

Yes i over reacted. Yes i am half a stone overweight in terms of BMI. Yes i'm still stuffing myself into size 12 clothes when i'm now a 14. And yes, i'm touchy about it.

But i am so pissed off that someone feels it's their right to comment on what someone else eats (especially when he was clearly overweight himself!)

And i'm also pissed off that the woman just passed it off as 'friendly chatter'.

I now don't think i can go back there for a few weeks as I'm so embarrassed. Can't even stomach eating this lunch now as i'm actually feeling guilty about eating something so 'fattening'. Arsehole.

Also can't find the motivation to continue with this work. An hour til DD finishes school. Was hoping i'd make some progress today. Nope!

OP posts:
38cody · 27/04/2017 23:11

Really op?I think he was just being friendly - a bit clumsy but he tried to make it clear that he had a weight issue and calm the waters - you'd had a shite day, have issues with your weight and he made a bad joke and you ate him alive poor bloke YABVU.

PaintingByNumbers · 27/04/2017 23:11

my first thought would have been early dementia tbh, I expect that makes me offensive to those with dementia now, as I would use that assumption to not start ranting at an elderly man. bad prejudiced m!

roundaboutthetown · 27/04/2017 23:13

You were being oversensitive and were unnecessarily aggressive in your response. He was probably just saying what his dw would have said to him in the hope you would wink and say, "yes, but it tastes a lot nicer than the low calorie crap on offer." Given he was clearly overweight himself and happy to admit it, it seems bizarre to me you would think he was going out of his way to shame or embarrass you.

optionalrationale · 27/04/2017 23:18

HappyFlappy
"Patronising sociolinguistic psychobabble"

Blatant enabling anti-intellectualism

TheMonkeyandthePlywoodViolin · 27/04/2017 23:22

Are you an ism bot?

dataandspot · 27/04/2017 23:26

But on theses threads the go to response is always rude=autism!

If people suggested other conditions as well I wouldn't find it so bad. But people don't !

Heidi82 · 27/04/2017 23:39

As a grown woman we think we can handle these unexpected situations cool and calmly but most of us (definitely me!) just get mad and defensive which makes us stressed for days thinking about the incident. You didn't handle that perfectly and you will think of better things you should of done/said BUT in that moment you are shocked and don't know how to deal with it other than protect yourself. I'm exactly the same and have had a very upsetting clash recently myself which I dealt with in a less than cool, calm way but I still maintain I had very good reason and I wish I had just walked away before they got the chance to get any emotion out of me. Try not to lose too much sleep over this

PaintingByNumbers · 28/04/2017 00:14

I dont even find what he first said to be rude tbh, its just a comment spoken aloud. so when people say things aloud, I choose not to take it personally and instead to run through in my head a range of alternative options other than "to be rude" for a person to say things like that aloud. autism is one. early sign of dementia is another. often the first sign a few years before other symptoms is personality changes including a lack of judgement. fwiw I have also noticed amongst the people I know with autism that their noticeable features of autism worsen over time, not get better, after age 40ish, I dont know if that is representative of most people with autism though. I choose to try to see alternative reasons rather than interpreting words as rude because I find it to be more helpful in shaping my response. whether or not it is really the case is neither here nor there imo

HateSummer · 28/04/2017 00:28

I was once buying flowers in Tesco and an elderly man came up to me and said "you shouldn't be buying flowers for yourself, you should get your man to do that".

Instead of laughing with him and agreeing I should've clothes lined him and held him down telling him to take back his misogynistic comments before I pull his penis off. 🙄.

Whizbang · 28/04/2017 00:52

YABVU. I think it's you who should be ashamed of yourself OP.

ClemDanfango · 28/04/2017 00:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlondeBecky1983 · 28/04/2017 01:00

It's probably a generation thing, he was definitely being rude but you did yourself no favours by arguing and probably looked a bit unhinged from the sounds of it! Confused

Doesitreallymatteranyway · 28/04/2017 05:51

YANBU Stinks of sexism. It is not small talk and it is not funny. No wonder you were fuming. Be proud, you made him think. He may have now logged in some part of his small brain that these sort of comments are indeed loaded with a whole load of other stuff and he better pick on the weather next time.

Skp87 · 28/04/2017 06:01

Yanbu I would've also been fuming. It's none of his business what you eat, what is he, the sandwich police or something??

Legma37 · 28/04/2017 06:15

So many over dramatic doormats on this thread! Grin

MerchantofVenice · 28/04/2017 06:38

shiny 'so there are no degrees of rudeness and, if you think someone has been rude... it's fine to berate them until complete strangers have to intervene'

Wow - you've written a great deal of stuff there!

I didn't say there weren't degrees of rudeness. My point was if someone's thoughtless or rude commemt upsets you, YOU, as the object of that comment, get to decide how upset you are. The OP may have overreacted - but it's frustrating that sp many posters start with her reactio and work backwards from there- eg. You overreacted therefore he wasn't rude. NO! He was rude. It's perfectly obvious how he was rude- many, many posters have been able to spot it. If he'd taken the trouble to consider the words that were coming out of his mouth (if we're charitably assuming he's suffering from this hapless old person syndrome some of you are adamant is an excuse) then he would have spotted the rudeness himself.

Secondly, OP didn't 'berate' him - he carried digging a whole. The 'random stranger' didn't have to intervene at all!

It's tiring to read all this 'but how do you know what's offensive - anything could be offensive'. Most people know. If they don't, they need telling. Yes, ideally, if it's a small degree of rudeness, a calm explanation is better. But better still is for people to think before they speak.

Skp87 · 28/04/2017 06:42

In hindsight it's easy to formulate a rational response to this man, but op was taken by surprise. After all this isn't something that happens a lot or you'd expect. I think op reaction was an honest one and reflects the surprise at this mans comments.

Bluntness100 · 28/04/2017 06:44

As a grown woman we think we can handle these unexpected situations cool and calmly but most of us (definitely me!) just get mad and defensive which makes us stressed for days thinking about the incident

Huh? Most of us do not get mad an defensive or stressed about it for days , it was an old bloke making daft conversation in a supermarket. Hmm

derxa · 28/04/2017 06:48

This man was perpetuating patriarchal oppression
Seriously bonkers!

The man sounds very creepy. Why did you even look at him?

AwaywiththePixies27 · 28/04/2017 06:49

My child has autism. They would never make a comment that would upset someone. In fact they think far too much about what to say to people.

data mine would. But as you all know, all children with autism are different. With mine, he has no sense of danger, no awareness of personal space and has absolute zero filter. He makes Katie Hopkins look reasonable some days. However he's 8 and we're continually working on that with him so I'm hopeful by the time he gets to be 80, he's not one of those people who comments on what food a stranger has in their hands.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 28/04/2017 06:50

It's probably a generation thing

Why? My Grandma is 81. She's not rude to random strangers.

Bluntness100 · 28/04/2017 06:53

Why? My Grandma is 81. She's not rude to random strangers

To be fair my grandmother could be a bit rude to random strangers, if she thought they needed a telling, she gave them a telling,. However that wasn't anything to do with her age. 😂😂😂

gingersketcher · 28/04/2017 07:05

This is a long, ranty post and mostly not relevant to lunch commenting idiot.

He was being sexist. As others have said, he would never have commented if you had been a man. I have a huge issue with men telling women that they have lost weight and look amazing (subtext: you were sooo fat before) or that they need to lose weight. It's none of their business. It's a bloody man thing.

I am the only non-athletically built person in my large family. I'm not a heifer but I'd like to be thinner. I have been told all my life by my parents "you're looking very trim" or "you've lost weight". They have never said it to any of the others. One day I told my dad in a sombre tone, "yes, I'm extremely worried... I wouldn't want to be losing any more." He didn't know what to say until I told him I was messing. He got the point though. Didn't stop him on future visits but I always say I'm very worried now. They've stopped because I'm supposed to say "thanks" and I don't.

Once I was at a wedding. Same thing, a bloke (a doctor) started commenting on a friend's weight loss. (She was never fat and she was only a bit thinner, no big deal.) He went on and on. I was quiet for a while. Then he said, "you were actually very overweight before" and I couldn't take any more. My friend would never have the lip to take him on so I went through him. He couldn't bear to be taken on and hounded me for the rest of the wedding, despite his wife being there. He got nowhere and eventually tried to offer me a job, but I knew he was trying to put himself back in the driving seat so I ignored it (I didn't want to work with him, he was a pain in the ass).

So no, YWNBU.

MerchantofVenice · 28/04/2017 07:15

I like your post ginger.

There are some people (as evidenced on this thread) who simply don't get the issues.

Microaggressions are just that - aggressions.

gingersketcher · 28/04/2017 07:27

Thank you Merchant.
(I though I'd better add that my dad and I share a sense of humour: he's hilarious and loves it when I say something edgy, so he appreciated the "too thin to be well" joke.)