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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExSil Wedding, DD bridesmaid

145 replies

LoodleDoodle · 27/04/2017 12:27

AIBU?

Broke up with DDs father when she was a baby, she is now 8. Although her dad cheated and was a terrible mummys boy manchild, we have stayed very amicable, to the point where his current partner is now someone I consider a friend, he gets on great with my DP and everything is usually fine. Even if he is an arsehole at times.

For background, exMil is a narcy controlling nutter who hates me (not keen on her own son or my DD either) but I have always gotten on well with the rest of the family. ExSil is remarrying in 6 months time, and DD is a bridesmaid, which is great as she can get left out of stuff by evil ExMil. I have been invited to small family christenings, weddings and funerals always. So I thought nothing of asking if I could go to the evening do for 30 minutes just to see my DD in her bridesmaids outfit on the day. I didnt want to eat, drink or outstay my welcome, but apparently everything is just too tight. I feel really hurt and upset that I am so patently unwelcome, but more upset about not being able to share DDs joy at her princes for a day thing.

Ex won't go against mummy, but his girlfriend has actually asked again on my behalf (so it isnt that they are considering her feelings, she would rather I was there!) and been told no. WIBU to send a direct message of some sort to ask why on earth not for 30 minutes?

OP posts:
NewPurrs5 · 27/04/2017 12:31

YABU, it's not your wedding to be invited to. And actually I think it's a bit weird for you to turn up for half hour. Unfortunately this is the crap bit of being a separated parent, occasionally you miss out when it's not your turn. I'm sure you'll get lots of photos. You don't have any right to be at your ex sister in laws wedding though, reguardless of how amicable. If you were wanted you'd have been invited... sorry OP!

SomethingBorrowed · 27/04/2017 12:32

You would be U to insist after having asked and being told no.

DirtyChaiLatte · 27/04/2017 12:33

In an ideal world you would all get on amazingly and be like one big happy family despite not being In Laws anymore, but real life doesn't work like that.

They probably don't see you in such a neutral light as you see them. It's not your daughter's big day, but the bride and groom's day. You have to respect their wishes and not feel entitled to anything..... because you're not.

walkinganhouraday · 27/04/2017 12:34

I'm not sure why it's exMil's decision and not exSil?
My DH's exW came to our wedding for an hour for that very reason. To see her DC dancing around in their dresses.

DirtyChaiLatte · 27/04/2017 12:34

YABU of course

FanaticalFox · 27/04/2017 12:35

YABU as above you can look at photos, stop making the bride's life difficult at this time when she is trying to sort out her wedding. Just bow out gracefully and stop causing issues, imagine if this was your wedding you'd be thinking ok i don't agree with MIL but i also wish partner's ex would take no for an answer.

EdmundCleverClogs · 27/04/2017 12:36

Does your ex-sil want you there? Surely it's her choice (though wouldn't be surprised if everyone is delegating to 'mummy' to be the bad guy, instead of saying it themselves). I'm sure you'd love to see your daughter all dressed up, however, if their family's decision is not to invite you, you have to accept that.

I'd drop it, in all honesty, don't start making a drama of someone else's wedding or you might find the relationship won't stay amicable.

MelinaMercury · 27/04/2017 12:37

It depends really, did you ask SIL in the first place or did you ask someone else?

If you asked SIL then there's obviously a reason she is saying no, maybe it is just too tight/inconvenient to have someone just showing up. She has said no and given an explanation so I wouldn't ask again.

If you asked or were told by someone other than SIL I would contact her directly and ask if she would mind but she doesn't have to invite you so I wouldn't push it. It's her wedding to spend with who she wants.

Goingtobeawesome · 27/04/2017 12:39

Who did you ask if you could go?

RedBeanie · 27/04/2017 12:39

Nothing you can do about evil MILs unfortunately. It would be nice for you to be able to go, but I wouldn't push it any further. Think of it as though she's a bridesmaid at a mate's wedding, and you wouldn't be invited to that necessarily.

And remember, what goes around, comes around.

TheCuriousOwl · 27/04/2017 12:40

OK I actually think YANBU because the ExSIL wants you there and it sounds like it's not as simple as they all don't want you there.

Your ex might be feeling weird about it but it does sound like it's being driven by ExMIL.

Not sure you can change it but I think YANBU to be upset especially if you normally go to weddings and funerals etc.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 27/04/2017 12:40

YABU how embarrassing to ask yourself and then get somebody else to ask!!

Cringe Blush

OnionKnight · 27/04/2017 12:43

You want to demand to be allowed to attend a wedding for thirty minutes?

I'm literally agog right now.

Original poster
LoodleDoodle · 27/04/2017 12:43

Ok, AIBU. I wasn't really going to insist, just ask. Although it wasn't weird attending all her kids christenings and various other things, just apparently the event where DD is involved. I wouldn't say I am entitled, I didn't ask at all, Ex did, as did his DP, and I am certainly not making the brides life difficult, no fuss has been made.

I for sure don't see them in a neutral light, but it has always been polite and I have kept it that way for DDs sake. And no, it isn't mummy being the convenient bad guy. I have been involved with the family long enough to know exactly who pulls every string.

OP posts:
londonrach · 27/04/2017 12:44

Yabu. Cringe. This cant be real. You the sil right?

AlexanderHamilton · 27/04/2017 12:46

It would be better rather than ask to go to the evening which is essentially a private party to wait outside the church/registry office/other licensed venue to wave to your dd as she goes in. This part is a public ceremony.

NellieFiveBellies · 27/04/2017 12:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DangerousBeanz · 27/04/2017 12:49

If it's a church wedding you could slip into the back of the church and see your dd there. Anyone can attend the church part of a wedding.

Pinkheart5915 · 27/04/2017 12:49

Talk about cringe Blush You can't ask to attend somebody's wedding the point of a wedding is you get you know invited.

I'm sure you will get some photos of your dd as a bridesmaid so you will see her in her outfit.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 27/04/2017 12:50

Oh god how embarrassing. YABVU. I agree with a PP, bow out now and stop making more hassle at an already stressful time.

PlayingGrownUp · 27/04/2017 12:50

Why don't you ask to attend DD's dress fitting to see her dress?

Pinkheart5915 · 27/04/2017 12:51

Please don't slip and sit at the back of the church as "anyone can attend a church wedding" why do people always say that on these threads? Your get look crazy

Original poster
LoodleDoodle · 27/04/2017 12:51

Really? Cringe? I have never been married myself so maybe I am underplaying the whole thing a bit - to me its just a big family party I suppose, so maybe I am cringeworthy. Defo not a reverse!

Alexander that never really occurred to me as it seemed more rude to just turn up than suggesting I pop in to have a quick gander, and of course I wouldn't do it now I know someone else asked and has been told no.

I would never insist so maybe AIBU is more about feeling hurt than anything else.

OP posts:
OnionKnight · 27/04/2017 12:53

Yeah who actually attends a wedding that they haven't been invited to? Just because it's public it doesn't mean that you won't get asked WTF are you doing?

EdmundCleverClogs · 27/04/2017 12:54

Anyone can attend the church part of a wedding.

I was waiting for this response to come up. Whilst technically true, I highly doubt it's worth the potential fallout if the OP is seen (and it's bloody rude regardless).

Will SiL be taking her to find a dress? Could you be involved in the 'prep' as a compromise? Wedding ceremonies are quite boring, so at least you don't have to worry about being on 'fidget watch', but you can have the fun of teaching her 'how to walk down the isle' and such!