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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

ExSil Wedding, DD bridesmaid

145 replies

LoodleDoodle · 27/04/2017 12:27

AIBU?

Broke up with DDs father when she was a baby, she is now 8. Although her dad cheated and was a terrible mummys boy manchild, we have stayed very amicable, to the point where his current partner is now someone I consider a friend, he gets on great with my DP and everything is usually fine. Even if he is an arsehole at times.

For background, exMil is a narcy controlling nutter who hates me (not keen on her own son or my DD either) but I have always gotten on well with the rest of the family. ExSil is remarrying in 6 months time, and DD is a bridesmaid, which is great as she can get left out of stuff by evil ExMil. I have been invited to small family christenings, weddings and funerals always. So I thought nothing of asking if I could go to the evening do for 30 minutes just to see my DD in her bridesmaids outfit on the day. I didnt want to eat, drink or outstay my welcome, but apparently everything is just too tight. I feel really hurt and upset that I am so patently unwelcome, but more upset about not being able to share DDs joy at her princes for a day thing.

Ex won't go against mummy, but his girlfriend has actually asked again on my behalf (so it isnt that they are considering her feelings, she would rather I was there!) and been told no. WIBU to send a direct message of some sort to ask why on earth not for 30 minutes?

OP posts:

EdmundCleverClogs · 27/04/2017 13:55

It is rude to sit in on a wedding you're not invited to, bloody hell what's wrong with some people? More the case here, the OP is most definitely not invited, judging from her MiL's past behaviour it would be ridiculous to go as it would most certainly cause strife.

It's the same as being intrusive in any other personal situations you're definitely not invited to even if you can go - like family members who insist on barging onto maternity wards when the baby is just born, or people who bring children other than the ones invited to a birthday party (or get them involved in strangers ones). It's obvious from this thread that some people truly lack social manners.

Lemonnaise · 27/04/2017 13:56

YANBU. All these people cringing on your behalf are the ridiculous ones.

Why on earth would a mother not want to see her daughter in her bridesmaids dress?

My DD was a flower girl for ex SIL and they invited me to the house while they were all getting ready so I could see DD. They also told ex(their brother) to stay away while I was there.

Yellowcups · 27/04/2017 13:56

Go the church and hope they won't notice. I get why they're saying no though. At least your dd is a bridesmaid and hasn't been forgotten about.

MimiSunshine · 27/04/2017 14:00

Has your exSIL said no? If so it maybe that they're at full capacity with invited guests so it may not be an issue of consuming food but more of fire regs.

I'm not taking my baby to a wedding and have RSVP'd as such even though others have said they'll decide on the day because I know the b&g can then invite someone else in my baby's place where as if the other guests just decide on the day to leave their baby at home, it won't make a difference to the food (hog roast) but it's a wasted head count in their small wedding (I know they have guests they'd like to invite but can't as they've prioritised our children)

However if it's your exMIL who's saying no then I'd be tempted to drop exSIL a line and just apologise for any awkwardness created and just wanted to pop in to wish them well and see DD, but no worries. you'll soon find out if she knew about it.

IHeartDodo · 27/04/2017 14:09

You would be unreasonable to turn up uninvited, but could you not make sure you're the one dropping them off/picking them up and then you'll see them very quickly?

Tisgrand · 27/04/2017 14:12

Will your DD be keeping the dress? If so, would you consider letting her wear it for a day at the weekend, and taking her out somewhere. Even down the high street for a walk or to a local shopping mall. I find that anyone seeing a little girl all dressed up will often smile at them and maybe say "hello princess" or some such. It makes the girl feel special and you can bask in her enjoyment to your hearts content! Nobody needs to know that you're not going to or coming from a special event.

Original poster

LoodleDoodle · 27/04/2017 14:13

That's interesting Edmund, as those are exactly the places (including NICU) I have been welcome and indeed expected. My bad I realise for making assumptions and perhaps it is about fire regs, I hadn't thought of that. Still stings a bit though. I guess I need to make some adjustments about expectations and act accordingly. Fair enough.

OP posts:

Flimbo · 27/04/2017 14:17

OP.. just stop. YABU

You have asked, your Ex's new partner has asked, and now you want to send another message.

Imagine if this was your wedding, and someone else was trying to bully their way in. TBH if it were me, I would just uninvited your DD because of you being a pain, repeatedly and making drama SIX MONTHS before the big day

HappyFlappy · 27/04/2017 14:18

If no-one has already commented (am going out so no time to RTFT) church weddings are public services. If the ceremony is taking place in a church you can go along and watch it.

diddl · 27/04/2017 14:21

Well I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one who would have thought that going to the church wouldn't have been entirely ridiculous!

Can see why you aren't going to do it though, Op.

Original poster

LoodleDoodle · 27/04/2017 14:22

You would have uninvited your excited and loving 8 year old neice from being bridesmaid because your own brother and his DP asked if her mother could see her there? Really?

I haven't said a word about it to her, not once, nor have I made a drama to anyone! Simply said to ex I would like to see it, and been told it would be a no. Hardly a bloody bully or drama.

OP posts:

EdmundCleverClogs · 27/04/2017 14:23

LoodleDoodle, there's a huge difference between being 'expected' and turning up because you felt like it regardless of how inappropriate it is.

HappyFlappy I suggest you do finish reading the thread. Just because you can often doesn't mean you should. This is someone's wedding, and being intrusive could cause problems. It shouldn't be done on purely selfish reasons.

Original poster

LoodleDoodle · 27/04/2017 14:28

I am lost, no where have I said I would just turn up. I didnt 'turn up' at hospital, was summoned. I didn't put her on the spot and ask myself or anything else. And I am not going to turn up! Given how many people seem to think assuming someone who has always been a friend wouldn't mind my presence for a short time to see my DD in a pretty dress seems to make me Miss Havisham, i shan't be going with 10 miles.

OP posts:

Flimbo · 27/04/2017 14:32

I haven't said a word about it to her, not once, nor have I made a drama to anyone! Simply said to ex I would like to see it, and been told it would be a no. Hardly a bloody bully or drama

Eh? This seems to be different to what you are saying in Post one, where you say you have asked once, your exs girlfriend has asked once, and you want to ask again? And now you haven't said a word to anyone?

So I thought nothing of asking if I could go to the evening do for 30 minutes just to see my DD in her bridesmaids outfit on the day. ....
..... but his girlfriend has actually asked again on my behalf ...WIBU to send a direct message of some sort to ask why on earth not for 30 minutes?

and in response to this You would have uninvited your excited and loving 8 year old neice from being bridesmaid because your own brother and his DP asked if her mother could see her there? No that isn't what I said, I said I would uninvited her because of YOUR behavior.

You don't make yourself clear and you are defensive but the story seems to have changed to who is being asked then no they aren't being asked at all, and getting defensive because you aren't making yourself clear

QuimReaper · 27/04/2017 14:34

Flimbo

McTufty · 27/04/2017 14:36

I understand you feeling left out and I don't think you should have to cringe at asking if you can pop in... but you shouldn't take it personally that they don't want you to pop in. Planning a wedding is stressful, complex and not necessarily as simple as "oh just pop in".

In the nicest possible way, while I understand you feel left out, it isn't actually about you. Get some great pics and plan something fun to do for yourself on the day!

EdmundCleverClogs · 27/04/2017 14:36

LoodleDoodle I never said you would just 'turn up'! I was making a comparison (mainly to other posters who suggested you just 'turn up') how rude, inappropriate and sometimes upsetting it can be for people to barge in uninvited in certain, private situations. If you were invited or asked to these places, of course there's no issue!

Original poster

LoodleDoodle · 27/04/2017 14:38

The story hasn't changed one iota and as far as Sil knows, I havent mentioned it. Ex asked, his DP then asked again as she knew how it would feel. I wondered if it would be U for me to approach her and ask myself as I hadn't, hence why I said approach her direct. A large chorus of AIBU's has led to about 9 posts where I repeated I wouldnt...

Obvs badly worded OP. I assumed asking would be ok, ex did it, his DP did.

And I still question upsetting an 8 year old you love like that even if I had behaved badly!

OP posts:

Flimbo · 27/04/2017 14:39

I remember when we were wedding planning, a acquaintance asked for an invite and it was embarrassing to be honest, having to say no - its quite an embarrassing situation to be forced into.

I would have thought that the fact an invitation not being issued would have been enough to tell this acquaintance she was not invited

Flimbo · 27/04/2017 14:43

Ahh, I understand now, yes it was confusing OP. In light of who has asked who, I probably wouldn't mention it again. You can help your DD get ready in the morning and I am sure you will get to see or even keep some wedding photos of her in them

It does happen, people uninviting guests and even members of the wedding party's if fallings out happen. The thing is, people just want to get married, they don't want the drama and often these things blow up out of proportion due to demands on either side not being reasonable.

CharlieSierra · 27/04/2017 14:44

I can't believe the number of people saying it's rude to go to the church. It isn't. Anyone can go in and I've never known anyone who would think it rude. American tourists nipped into the back of the church at DDs wedding last year and loads of people waited outside for her to arrive and come out. As I arrived with the bridesmaids I heard a woman say to her friends 'ooh look, let's wait for the bride'. It's commonplace for a crowd to gather outside a church and wait to see the wedding party.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 27/04/2017 14:47

Send DD off with a big smile on the wedding day.

The idea of popping in for half an hour is ridiculous. DD will wonder why you don't get to stay at the party. It will invite more questions that maybe the bride doesn't want to deal with on the day.

Just drop it and look at the photo's like most people would.

Flimbo · 27/04/2017 14:49

CharlieSierra

That would massively piss me off. The most special day of my life, and random tourists are sat gawping.

Kinda takes the shine off for me

EdmundCleverClogs · 27/04/2017 14:49

I can't believe the number of people saying it's rude to go to the church

I can't believe the amount of people not realising how inappropriate it is, especially in this situation. I'm so very glad I'm not religious and don't have to worry about this 'wedding is public property' nonsense.

LoodleDoodle · 27/04/2017 14:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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