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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

ExSil Wedding, DD bridesmaid

145 replies

LoodleDoodle · 27/04/2017 12:27

AIBU?

Broke up with DDs father when she was a baby, she is now 8. Although her dad cheated and was a terrible mummys boy manchild, we have stayed very amicable, to the point where his current partner is now someone I consider a friend, he gets on great with my DP and everything is usually fine. Even if he is an arsehole at times.

For background, exMil is a narcy controlling nutter who hates me (not keen on her own son or my DD either) but I have always gotten on well with the rest of the family. ExSil is remarrying in 6 months time, and DD is a bridesmaid, which is great as she can get left out of stuff by evil ExMil. I have been invited to small family christenings, weddings and funerals always. So I thought nothing of asking if I could go to the evening do for 30 minutes just to see my DD in her bridesmaids outfit on the day. I didnt want to eat, drink or outstay my welcome, but apparently everything is just too tight. I feel really hurt and upset that I am so patently unwelcome, but more upset about not being able to share DDs joy at her princes for a day thing.

Ex won't go against mummy, but his girlfriend has actually asked again on my behalf (so it isnt that they are considering her feelings, she would rather I was there!) and been told no. WIBU to send a direct message of some sort to ask why on earth not for 30 minutes?

OP posts:

Original poster

LoodleDoodle · 27/04/2017 14:55

It occurs to me I have no idea if Sil is a mumsnetter and I really do not want to cause a drama if she is, especially as I know it will all have come from her mum - this might be identifiable have asked HQ to delete. Thanks for all the input.

OP posts:

EdmundCleverClogs · 27/04/2017 14:58

Really, op? Because it just sounds like your getting a bit cross with the answers you're getting. Especially with your previous post. Your prerogative to ask for it to be deleted though.

livefornaps · 27/04/2017 15:01

Clever clogs, you're just being goady, chill.

Original poster

LoodleDoodle · 27/04/2017 15:04

Not at all. I have given a lot of info though and it really would cause a shitstorm if she identified herself, especially as as far as she knows I havent really said a word about it. Amazed at just how crazy posters think I am though...!

OP posts:

EdmundCleverClogs · 27/04/2017 15:05

How am I being 'goady' livefornaps? I couldn't care less if the thread is deleted, but it's quite irritating on MN to invest some answers and advice only for it to 'disappear due to being identifiable'. Most of the time that's code for 'not happy with the responses', as if someone you know could read it, they probably have by now. However, I hope the OPs daughter does go and had a wonderful day.

Original poster

LoodleDoodle · 27/04/2017 15:11

Well yes, maybe, if the thread had gone on for days, but it hasn't. Hopefully she isn't on here, but who knows. I have no idea how long it will even take to delete. I haven't for one second said I would go ahead, have taken it all on board, just explaining why it's upset me, surely. DD will be going, I wouldn't ever stop her, and I am sure she will have a lovely time.

OP posts:

MadMags · 27/04/2017 15:16

Am I missing something?

Why can't ex just send you some photos?

Original poster

LoodleDoodle · 27/04/2017 15:25

Identifying posts deleted instead of thread. Thanks MNHQ.

No. He can, and will. But she would have loved to show me properly, and I would like to have seen her. But it's not to be. As I said, I need to make some adjustments about expectations and act accordingly. Fair enough.

OP posts:

Notagainmun · 27/04/2017 15:54

In our local churches and chapels lots of people watch the wedding who are not invited. Nobody would bat an eye at a mum watching her DD being a bridesmaid at her ex in law's wedding around here. I am really surprised you asked and didn't just go and watch. It would be wrong to turn up to the reception though.

Witchend · 27/04/2017 16:45

In lots of church weddings people who aren't invited come. We had some of my parents friends who lived locally, lots of tourists and a few people from the church who we didn't know. Never minded, even if some of them are quite prominent in the photos from the church, It gave us a slight giggle when we saw the photos.

But this is a different situation. Once you've asked and been refused it will come across badly. You can't just slip in the back and expect it not to be commented on.

For coming for half an hour, I can see why they don't want that really. My dc would either be running round happily and I would be somewhat a spare wheel. Or they'd come and want to be with me and want to leave when I leave.

Ask your ex to choose a really nice photo of your dd-they'll almost certainly do one of her on her own.

Flimbo · 27/04/2017 16:52

Ahh glad that is all sorted then.

HappyFlappy · 27/04/2017 16:53

I suggest you do finish reading the thread. Just because you can often doesn't mean you should. This is someone's wedding, and being intrusive could cause problems. It shouldn't be done on purely selfish reasons.

I've read it now CleverClogs, and can't see what I've said that would upset anyone except possibly yourself. The OP is neither a child nor an idiot and will make her own decision - all that I (and others) are offering are snippets of information which she might not be aware of and which may or may not influence her decision. OP sounds as though she isn't the sort of workie-ticket who would do things out of selfishness, or to cause trouble just on principle.

FWIW - I would want to see my DD in her role as bridesmaid as well. I know there will be photos etc, but seeing your child on the day in the church, with the bride would be very special. And I think it would make it even more exciting for her DD to know her mam was there.

Ex-MIL sounds a piece of work.

EdmundCleverClogs · 27/04/2017 17:02

HappyFlappy so you think the op should turn up even if it makes the family unhappy, possibly making it awkward for the bride and irritating an already unreasonable MiL? For what purpose? As not nice as it is, it's not about what the op wants and amongst the excitement of the day, I'm sure her daughter will be otherwise preoccupied. If it has been made clear someone isn't invited to a wedding ceremony then it would be in very bad taste for them to turn up.

HappyFlappy · 27/04/2017 18:36

I can't recall saying that Clogs.

I said that legally if she wants to go to the church service, she can.

I also said that if it was my daughter I also would've to see her as bridesmaid, so no - she is not BU for hoping to have enjoyed her DDs excitement for a brief period.

I didn't tell OP to gatecrash the ceremony.

I doubt that I would myself under those circumstances, but I think that everyone has the right to come to their own decisions based on the facts. It looks like the OP has decided to accept the evil MIL's edict, out of consideration for the bride. However I am sure that neither you nor I have influenced her decision. She's made that herself.

EdmundCleverClogs · 27/04/2017 18:48

I didn't tell OP to gatecrash the ceremony.

You may not have directly said so, but why point out that

'legally she can go to the church service' and

'I would want to see my DD in her role as bridesmaid as well. I know there will be photos etc, but seeing your child on the day in the church, with the bride would be very special. And I think it would make it even more exciting for her DD to know her mam was there.'

if not suggesting on some level the OP should go regardless? It wasn't the OP's decision to come to, she has not been invited, and more to the point it seems her presence won't be welcomed. This was never a decision about whether or not to go, as hurtful as it may be for the OP. Unless of course, the SiL clarifies otherwise, and an invite comes soon.

Original poster

LoodleDoodle · 27/04/2017 19:01

I don't feel at all like Happy or other posters were at all suggesting I gatecrash and as I've repeatedly said I have no intention of doing so. If I was that thick headed I wouldn't have even asked, just gone, but I'm not.

It actually is useful to my feelings however to hear that some other people can see it's hurtful in this particular situation where we've had a very good relationship, and that I'm feeling sad about not being able to share any of DDs day. I know, I know, weddings are only about what the B&G (well, MoB) want, but actually it's a huge event for both the bridesmaids, and why shouldn't it be? Small children very involved in a big family day, of course they feel it's a significant event for them.

A little empathy in an awkward situation does make me feel better. Certainly better than feeling like I'm somehow unhinged to want to see her in her dress without impinging on the family event.

OP posts:

buntingqueen · 27/04/2017 19:22

I had loads of people turn up to my church wedding that I hadn't invited. I knew some of them but not all, and I was actually really touched that all these people wanted to come along. I know this is a different situation, I'm just saying it's not as unusual as some people think.

Adarajames · 27/04/2017 20:22

I was a chorister for years, many or even most weddings had various unknowns in the church service, elderly congregation members, passers by, family members work mates etc etc, although think it used to happen more back then than now

(and I know op isn't planning to do this, and understand her disappointment at not seeing her daughter)

SouthWestmom · 27/04/2017 21:09

Do people really care that much they want to see their child dressed up for someone else's day? It's just a pretty dress. If you aren't part of something why would you be bothered?

dd had been a bridesmaid twice and it was fine but she looked just as lovely on other days.

Op you sound very sensible. Sorry you won't get to do it as you obviously feel it's important so I hope you get some nice photos

Mumzypopz · 27/04/2017 21:34

Hang on a minute, she wants YOUR daughter to be bridesmaid, but won't have you anywhere near!!!! That's just crazy. Is she rude or what! Did they ask you if she could be bridesmaid, or tell you?! I think I'd be considering saying no, if you don't want me, your not having her! Having said that, i guess it's awkward as your daughter will be excited. Can't you arrange for you to pick her up near the end, then you will have to go in and see her!!!!

MadMags · 27/04/2017 21:38

I'm assuming dd's dad, the other parent, is fine with it.

Mumzypopz · 27/04/2017 21:51

The sils family seem to be acting as if they own the child. I would have thought the mum has more say so than the Dad. That's the way i would play it anyway. I wouldn't be allowing my mil and her family to rule the roost. The dad seems to have asked Sil if the op can go, so she could get him on side and just arrange collection of child near the end. Presumably if they are attending the wedding they will want a drink and be happy the op to take her home.

MadMags · 27/04/2017 21:53

Why would the mum have more say than the dad? Especially in light of the fact that it's dad's family?

MadMags · 27/04/2017 21:54

Besides which, it's not dd's "special day". She's in a dress. I'm sure there'll be countless times in her life that she wears a dress.

Rossigigi · 27/04/2017 21:58

I went to my XSil's wedding with my partner and child even though my x and new girlfriend were obviously there. So I understand what you mean about close family.
However as its decided that you shouldn't be invited so you think that could be down to your x dp?

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