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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

ExSil Wedding, DD bridesmaid

145 replies

LoodleDoodle · 27/04/2017 12:27

AIBU?

Broke up with DDs father when she was a baby, she is now 8. Although her dad cheated and was a terrible mummys boy manchild, we have stayed very amicable, to the point where his current partner is now someone I consider a friend, he gets on great with my DP and everything is usually fine. Even if he is an arsehole at times.

For background, exMil is a narcy controlling nutter who hates me (not keen on her own son or my DD either) but I have always gotten on well with the rest of the family. ExSil is remarrying in 6 months time, and DD is a bridesmaid, which is great as she can get left out of stuff by evil ExMil. I have been invited to small family christenings, weddings and funerals always. So I thought nothing of asking if I could go to the evening do for 30 minutes just to see my DD in her bridesmaids outfit on the day. I didnt want to eat, drink or outstay my welcome, but apparently everything is just too tight. I feel really hurt and upset that I am so patently unwelcome, but more upset about not being able to share DDs joy at her princes for a day thing.

Ex won't go against mummy, but his girlfriend has actually asked again on my behalf (so it isnt that they are considering her feelings, she would rather I was there!) and been told no. WIBU to send a direct message of some sort to ask why on earth not for 30 minutes?

OP posts:

EdmundCleverClogs · 28/04/2017 13:27

Mumzypopz, you seem to be adding your own narrative to this - working out amicably means shared parenting, sometimes the daughter does things with one parent that the other won't be involved in. As for repeatedly say is 'her child', no it's not - the daughter has two parents, she doesn't 'belong' to one. That's quite offensive.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 28/04/2017 13:37

Piglet...I haven't said i would harrassing and bother anyone. What a strange thing to say. The mil and Sil want her child at a wedding, but not her. They don't even want her to pop in for a minute. That's extremely rude. It's her child. i think you should read my post properly before having a go at me.

You have said you would ensure I had more say how then would you do that? The OP has twice been told no!

It isn't 'rude' they have split up.

It is 'both' their child.

BTW my DHs exW went into court once saying similar to you. Trying to say they were more important than their DC dad. The judge was not impressed in the slightest and they were warned about their behaviour.

Mumzypopz · 28/04/2017 13:42

Edmund....But the dad actually wants the mum there!!! They can both tell the Sil where to go. I would be very annoyed at the who in law family wanting my child, but not me!!!!

Mumzypopz · 28/04/2017 13:44

Edmund....If he merely wanted to pop in and see her in her dress, then, yes, i would make a case for it. Wouldn't you!?

Mumzypopz · 28/04/2017 13:47

Piglet, yes they have split up but that doesnt mean they can wipe the mum off the face of the world does it. A little bit of niceness on their behalf for future relations would go a long way too. I'm sorry, but I'm not really interested in what the judge said in your circumstances, sorry to sound rude, but that's got nothing to do with this.

EdmundCleverClogs · 28/04/2017 13:50

They can both tell the Sil where to go.

Are you actually serious? Over her own wedding? You read like an incredibly entitled person. For the last time, a child who has two parents happily in their lives doesn't 'belong' to just the mum. You are being very rude about the dad (and his family) and his role in the daughter's life. By your standards, children cannot do anything out of the ordinary without their mum there, absolutely ridiculous. Should she go on family holidays with them as well?

EdmundCleverClogs · 28/04/2017 13:55

Mumzypopz, seeing her in her dress is completely different to gate crashing a wedding someone's specifically not invited to! It's a good thing we live in modern days of high tech video and photos, so the op can see for herself.

TheNaze73 · 28/04/2017 14:01

YABVU. You must know that?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 28/04/2017 14:11

yes they have split up but that doesnt mean they can wipe the mum off the face of the world does it.

It does mean they don't have to invite her to a wedding!

If he merely wanted to pop in and see her in her dress, then, yes, i would make a case for it. Wouldn't you!?

Make case yes. The case has been made. The answer is still no.

They can both tell the Sil where to go.

It's her wedding!!! Since when is it OK to tell the bride where to go!

I'm sorry, but I'm not really interested in what the judge said in your circumstances, sorry to sound rude, but that's got nothing to do with this.

Actually it has. I don't mean to sound rude, but her attitude was the same as you are displaying here.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 28/04/2017 14:11

*doesn't mean they do have to invite...

Mumzypopz · 28/04/2017 19:18

Edmund you are going totally over the top here. Yes, they can both tell the Sil where to go. She does not have an absolute right to have the ops daughter as her bridesmaid. This sounds like bridezilla here. She wants the ops and her brother s daughter at her wedding, but won't consider the child's mother popping in to see her. Can you not see that is just rude! The child's father wants the mother there too! I think it's the bride and her family that are being entitled here, not the mother. Where have I been rude to the dad? I've not been rude to the dad at all. Think you are starting to read stuff that isn't even there. I haven't even said the child can't do anything with the dad without the mum, again, you are starting to make stuff up entirely there. There is a politeness required surely by any bride who asks if a child can be bridesmaid. Surely she has to be nice and polite to both parents. By your standards you think she can just ask the dad and be totally totally rude to the mum!!!! Why are you so anti mum!!!!!

Mumzypopz · 28/04/2017 19:20

Edmund, she hasn't asked to gatecrash the wedding. I envisage her arriving, texting the dad in the reception and asking him to bring her out for a minute. Wheres the harm in that!

HappyFlappy · 28/04/2017 19:23

The mil and Sil want her child at a wedding, but not her. They don't even want her to pop in for a minute. That's extremely rude

I agree Mumzy - I think the family are lucky that OP is a more gracious person and /or is putting her DD's enjoyment above her own feelings.

Mumzypopz · 28/04/2017 19:26

Piglet...I haven't said they have to invite her, as above, she can pop to the reception for a minute and ask the dad to bring her outside for a minute. The bride or anyone else won't even notice.
You have totally misunderstood the comment about making a case....U said for HIM, not her, ie if the shoe was on the other foot. Someone asked me if i would make the same case for the dad, my answer was yes.
It is ok to tell the bride where to go if she wants their kid for a bridesmaid, but won't let the mum see her child for a minute!!!!
I don't care much for your attitude either, i have just as much right to an opinion as you do, and just as much right to post my opinion on here as you. You don't like what i have said, that's up to you, but that doesn't mean you can hound me down, does it. Kindly leave me alone please.

Mumzypopz · 28/04/2017 19:29

Happy flappy.....Thankyou, thankyou..Was starting to thing i was the only person in the world who could see it that way. There's been other posts on mumsnet where someone wants someone's kid as a bridesmaid, but not the mum and everyone has thought it was awful..... But seemingly not on this thread?!

Mumzypopz · 28/04/2017 19:30

I think the family need to realise the child has a dad and a mum and an an eight year old will want to see both!!!!!

Mumzypopz · 28/04/2017 19:32

When my mil wants to see my children, she gets me as part of the package, she knows that.

HappyFlappy · 28/04/2017 19:33

I also think the DD will get more enjoyment out of the day if she was able to share it with BOTH her parents. Mumzy

MadMags · 28/04/2017 20:01

Well anyone who allows their child to put so much importance in such a non-issue is failing as a parent, IMO.

My dd would be sent off with a smile and a cheery "have a great time. Daddy will take loads of photos" and that would be that.

The drama is ridiculous. It's a bloody drsss.

MadMags · 28/04/2017 20:04

Dress even!

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