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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

ExSil Wedding, DD bridesmaid

145 replies

LoodleDoodle · 27/04/2017 12:27

AIBU?

Broke up with DDs father when she was a baby, she is now 8. Although her dad cheated and was a terrible mummys boy manchild, we have stayed very amicable, to the point where his current partner is now someone I consider a friend, he gets on great with my DP and everything is usually fine. Even if he is an arsehole at times.

For background, exMil is a narcy controlling nutter who hates me (not keen on her own son or my DD either) but I have always gotten on well with the rest of the family. ExSil is remarrying in 6 months time, and DD is a bridesmaid, which is great as she can get left out of stuff by evil ExMil. I have been invited to small family christenings, weddings and funerals always. So I thought nothing of asking if I could go to the evening do for 30 minutes just to see my DD in her bridesmaids outfit on the day. I didnt want to eat, drink or outstay my welcome, but apparently everything is just too tight. I feel really hurt and upset that I am so patently unwelcome, but more upset about not being able to share DDs joy at her princes for a day thing.

Ex won't go against mummy, but his girlfriend has actually asked again on my behalf (so it isnt that they are considering her feelings, she would rather I was there!) and been told no. WIBU to send a direct message of some sort to ask why on earth not for 30 minutes?

OP posts:

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 27/04/2017 12:54

Loodle, listen to Alexander, you really don't need to go to the night do.
If you want to see your little girl being a bridesmaid, the best place is, outside the church.

LordRothermereBlackshirtCunt · 27/04/2017 12:55

So, it's already been asked twice if you can go and, having been told "no", you're planning to ask again? Just stop.

Allthebestnamesareused · 27/04/2017 12:57

Yes - pop into the church.

Perhaps contact ExSIL and ask when she gets official pics back could you possibly see them as you'd like to buy one of DD.

TiredMumToTwo · 27/04/2017 12:59

YABU

Original poster

LoodleDoodle · 27/04/2017 13:00

I am honestly not interested in taking over or invading anyones day. I don't want to 'attend' a wedding I am not invited to, just literally wanted to be able to see her in a way that wouldn't intrude! My assumption being that fittings etc are spoecial occasions too, with mums and bridesmaids and small numbers where I would be gatecrashing, not 30 minutes amongst a huge crowd.

Given how cringeworthy I obviously am I won't contact her direct or try and see anything other than photos!

OP posts:

EdmundCleverClogs · 27/04/2017 13:01

Yes - pop into the church

Seriously. It's like some posters don't care for long-term consequences when giving advice.

Pinkheart5915 · 27/04/2017 13:06

Yes- pop to the church

No don't pop to the church, yes it's public but you've not been invited and it's rude and it makes one look slightly crazy and a lot cringe. Just don't do it why do people give advice to do it?

Ask your child's dad for a video & some photos and of course I'm sure your dd will tell you all about it

EdmundCleverClogs · 27/04/2017 13:07

Helping your daughter get ready for the big day isn't intrusive. As her mother, you have a right to see what she's wearing, help her practice any part she has (even just the walk) and be excited with her.

No one has the right to be 'amongst the crowd' at a ceremony for purely selfish reasons. Especially when you have no interest in the event itself, only the tiny part your child plays. That is an invasion, whether it is meant as such or not.

DirtyChaiLatte · 27/04/2017 13:07

I didn't mean to sound so harsh earlier, but of course it would be lovely if they really wanted you there and you really wanted to go, but it clearly isn't like that.

Your focus is being able to see your daughter and that isn't an unreasonable wish at all.

What's unreasonable is thinking that maybe no shouldn't mean no, and thinking that they are wrong for not wanting you there.

Original poster

LoodleDoodle · 27/04/2017 13:09

I have never said I would just pop in to the church! That is far madder than asking to pop by for a drink surely. I can see a vast majority of AIBU's, so I will drop it. And secretly sulk. Thanks for the replies.

OP posts:

Batgirlspants · 27/04/2017 13:13

Think that's wise op. Their loss isn't it. Hope the photos are good and your dd has a lovely day

EdmundCleverClogs · 27/04/2017 13:15

I have never said I would just pop in to the church!

That was directed at another poster who advised you fo do so (you're quite right, you would be mad!).

Have a secret sulk, I do get that you feel hurt and left out of a very special occasion for your daughter. It's a bit shit and I do feel sorry for you, but it sadly seems to be one of those 'suck it up and put on a happy face' moments. Hope you do get lots of gorgeous photos though!

QuimReaper · 27/04/2017 13:17

Why is MIL the one who gets final say, and not the bride and / or groom? I get that she's controlling but why is she even being consulted?

PicardsCombOver · 27/04/2017 13:18

YANBU Op and all the 'cringing' being done on your behalf on this thread is hysterical. You're not some nutjob wanting to turn up and object to the ceremony, you want to see your daughter in a pretty dress.
I've got a funny feeling that there are alot of past/present/future bridezillas on here

Pinkheart5915 · 27/04/2017 13:21

I have never said I would just pop in to the church No you didn't because your obviously not crazy but a few posters have suggested it

I hope your dd has a lovely time and you get a nice photo/video 😃

Original poster

LoodleDoodle · 27/04/2017 13:28

ExMil is never consulted, she decides. No sour grapes, she is a large part of why I left, even over the cheating. Didnt talk to me for months when i refused her control of my bank account, for example. Or when I objected that she registered DDs interest in a religious boarding school age 3. I don't even think Sil is being a bridezilla, I doubt she has any autonomy on this one.

Thank you Picard, that was literally all I thought. A bit shocked so many consider me a nutter! I take it all on board, but given I am planning my wedding at the mo, might think twice about my highly exclusive guest list. Ha.

OP posts:

ApricotCrush · 27/04/2017 13:35

^This.

I'm really sorry for you OP and I can understand that you want to see your DD although you were perhaps wrong to ask if you could go to the evening do for half an hour. I would have just said nothing and gone to the church.

Why is it crazy or rude to go along to see a wedding you haven't been invited to? I've done it more than once for various reasons and no-one thought it was rude. The parents of one of my bridesmaids came to see her although they weren't actually invited and I thought it was lovely.

C8H10N4O2 · 27/04/2017 13:36

Didnt talk to me for months when i refused her control of my bank account, for example. Or when I objected that she registered DDs interest in a religious boarding school age 3.

Ok that is a new one on me - MIL wanting control of bank account, what on earth was the rationale?

I certainly have come across GPs putting down DGC names for schools but ultimately she can't go without parental agreement anyway so any registration fees paid will go to waste.

diddl · 27/04/2017 13:37

I would have thought that going to the church would be less wierd than inviting yourself to the evening do tbh.

Yes, I realise that Op isn't going to do it, but she doesn't need to be invited to do that.

When I married there were neighbours & friends of parents who went to the church even though not invited.

I thought that it was lovely of them to want to see me married & wish me well.

LoodleDoodle · 27/04/2017 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RhiWrites · 27/04/2017 13:43

Apricot, it's intrusive to poke your nose into a ceremony you have t been invited to.

But I don't get people who get excited by a stranger's wedding or want a "cuddle" with a random baby. Maybe I am dead inside.

walkinganhouraday · 27/04/2017 13:43

Going against the grain here but I don't think there is anything wrong with going to the church. There is no malice intended, she just wants to see her daughter. If the exDH and ex-SIL hated her then that would be different - but they don't so I don't understand everyone saying it's wrong.

AlexanderHamilton · 27/04/2017 13:45

Why is it mD to wait outside the church. Lots of random people go to church weddings, usually elderly members of the congregation who like a nice wedding or someone with a small child who wants to see the pretty dresses might wait near the churchyard entrance if they happen to be passing.

footballmum · 27/04/2017 13:48

I was just going to post what Alexander had said. It's really coming practice (in my neck of the woods anyway!) for random people to wait outside the church to see the bridal part come out. When I get married there were about half a dozen of my mums friends from work waiting there. Didn't bother me or anyone else in the slightest! What's the harm in the OP waiting to see her daughter and get a few pics?

YellowDinosaur · 27/04/2017 13:50

I'd go to the church, not to go in for the ceremony but to stand outside and take pictures as your dd comes out. As long as you are unobtrusive in how you do this I think anyone taking offence would be ridiculous

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