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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

ExSil Wedding, DD bridesmaid

145 replies

LoodleDoodle · 27/04/2017 12:27

AIBU?

Broke up with DDs father when she was a baby, she is now 8. Although her dad cheated and was a terrible mummys boy manchild, we have stayed very amicable, to the point where his current partner is now someone I consider a friend, he gets on great with my DP and everything is usually fine. Even if he is an arsehole at times.

For background, exMil is a narcy controlling nutter who hates me (not keen on her own son or my DD either) but I have always gotten on well with the rest of the family. ExSil is remarrying in 6 months time, and DD is a bridesmaid, which is great as she can get left out of stuff by evil ExMil. I have been invited to small family christenings, weddings and funerals always. So I thought nothing of asking if I could go to the evening do for 30 minutes just to see my DD in her bridesmaids outfit on the day. I didnt want to eat, drink or outstay my welcome, but apparently everything is just too tight. I feel really hurt and upset that I am so patently unwelcome, but more upset about not being able to share DDs joy at her princes for a day thing.

Ex won't go against mummy, but his girlfriend has actually asked again on my behalf (so it isnt that they are considering her feelings, she would rather I was there!) and been told no. WIBU to send a direct message of some sort to ask why on earth not for 30 minutes?

OP posts:

Mumzypopz · 27/04/2017 22:03

Madmags.....I think the mum would have more say than dad because she's the mum!!!! If i was in that situation, i would ensure i had more say. Why would anyone presume the dad has more say?! It might be the dad's family wedding, but it's still the mums child, they seem to be walking all over the mum.

Mumzypopz · 27/04/2017 22:06

Another option is presumably the child will get to keep the dress....Perhaps take her to a professional photographer and get pictures of her in it for yourself.

JustSpeakSense · 27/04/2017 22:10

YABU

You are going to have to make do with seeing her I her dress beforehand (when it is fitted?) and asking fur some photos, specifically if her.

And then leave them to it I'm afraid they aren't your family anymore.

JustSpeakSense · 27/04/2017 22:11

Autocorrect fail on my entire post

Witchend · 27/04/2017 22:16

But people who are saying "I loved to see random people at my wedding" or "I went to ex-sil's wedding" presumably the people went to see the bride and groom. As she's already made a fuss about going to see the dd, it will be obvious she isn't interested in the wedding, just her dd, which is why I think it looks a bit off.

If she'd started by saying to her ex-sil, "I'd love to see your wedding, do you mind if I slip in the back of the church" then I suspect she would have been more likely to get a yes, and possibly an evening invite too.

EdmundCleverClogs · 27/04/2017 22:32

but it's still the mums child

She's both their child! Neither has 'more say' than the other in how they spent time with their daughter for perfectly normal events . Being separated means sometimes the child does events with one side of the family without the other parent being there. The daughter is happy to do it, you're making a very odd issue out of this, Mumzypopz.

dotdotdotmustdash · 27/04/2017 22:36

I think you fail to understand the principles that courts adhere to while dealing with custody cases. Parents have equal right to parent the child as they see fit while they have the child in their care. The mother doesn't have more say, and she has no right to be consulted on anything that's happening while she is in her Father's care. Luckily in this case, both parents are friendly with each other and there isn't usually a problem. I think the OP should leave this situation well alone and leave her ex-family (her daughter's current family) to enjoy their celebrations together.

Original poster

LoodleDoodle · 27/04/2017 22:38

Ffs there has been no fuss. Not a jot. Just a question by ExP and his Dp. No fuss. Some secret sulking, and an AIBU post. No demonstrations, gatecrashing, or gnashing of teeth. Nor am I suggesting DD is in any way more important than the bride. But she is to me, and her first time as a bridesmaid is huge and memorable to her, and so that's also important to me. Her father isn't very impressed either really given past events, but it is what it is, and I'd decided not to call Sil by 5 posts in. So I'll bow out now.

OP posts:

HappyFlappy · 27/04/2017 22:38

it will be obvious she isn't interested in the wedding

OP didn't say she wasn't interested in the wedding. She said she got along well enough with ex-SIL even though they aren't "besties", and has been to other family celebrations etc. But even if she couldn't give a damn - why shouldn't she want to see her child all dressed up and being part of a happy event?

And Doodle - thank you for your kind words. You are exactly right - I was just trying to support you by letting you know how I would feel. I think you have behaved with much more grace than your ex-'s family by encouraging your daughter to go along and enjoy the day. Many people would have found a reason to stop her from participating.

Have a wonderful time sharing the photos with your DD when you get them, and she can tell you all about it. You have asked very little of your ex's family, it would have been kind if they had allowed you to pop in. Have some as a very minor consolation.

RandomMess · 27/04/2017 22:45

I'd be gutted too!

We had the best man's mum turn up at the church for our wedding to see her son and because she loves weddings.

I suppose I would have snuck in at the back rather than ask anyway tbh.

MadMags · 27/04/2017 23:21

Well, Mumzy I don't think a vagina automatically equates to more say. How odd.

MuffinMaiden · 27/04/2017 23:56

I can't help but feel I know the OP (don't worry, not SIL). I'd be disappointed too. and especially if you are who I think and

Beeziekn33ze · 28/04/2017 00:23

Loodle - I respect that it's your decision but would just like to agree with some other posters. It's perfectly ok to stand outside a church or to go in for the wedding service. I don't get why anyone would think it isn't!
At a rather posh family wedding in the Cotswolds half the town was gathering outside to admire guests' hats and to see the bride go in. Some may well have joined us in church, I don't think anyone would have noticed!

TheStoic · 28/04/2017 02:08

Can people actually read?

No fuss has been made by the OP.

You can't go, OP - but you know that. If your ex MIL is as awful as she sounds, she might even enjoy you showing up and will turn it into a scene. It sucks and you'll have to readjust how you view your relationship with your ex-in laws.

Mumzypopz · 28/04/2017 07:15

Madmags...Well, if it was my child, she wouldn't be going. Fine for them to invite her, and ask the mum, but what the bride has done is have the child as a bridesmaid and basically told the mum where to go. That's just extremely rude. You all seem particularly keen to allow the family to walk all over her.

Mumzypopz · 28/04/2017 07:17

Dotdot...You have no idea what the court has issued here, neither do i. The father may not have equal rights at all.

Mumzypopz · 28/04/2017 07:21

Edmund...Not making an odd issue about this at all. Everyone is saying how rude the mum would be to turn up, but noone is considering how rude they are to have her child but be rude to her saying she can't come. The mil has no more rights on the child than the mother. If my mil did that to me, I'd be saying she can't come then. The father even asked if the mum could go!!!! So he's not bothered. The child probably spends more time with mum.

EdmundCleverClogs · 28/04/2017 07:50

Mumzypopz the mum is happy for the child to go though, because she's far more reasonable in her actions. This isn't about the MiL, the ex or even the daughter - this is about not making someone's wedding awkward and uncomfortable by turning up uninvited. In an ideal world, yes the op should be able to be more involved, it's obvious a special moment for her. However, if it means that the MiL will cause hassle either on the day, or later, it's not worth it. That doesn't mean the daughter should be pulled out of her dad's family wedding- did you not read the part where the OP said they were on amicable terms? Why would you advise her to basically throw a tantrum and threaten future good relations over something that doesn't matter in the long term? I think it's great that the op seems to have kept on friendly terms with him and his family up to now, must make life a lot easier for her daughter.

Crumbs1 · 28/04/2017 08:00

You clearly can't turn up and will have to cope with your disappointment. It's actually good for children to have things their parents aren't overly involved in. Take her for supper the next day and let her tell you all about it. You'll see photos soon enough.
It's not actually a very big deal in the scheme of things. You'd expect her father to have her as a bridesmaid and it's only putting on a dress and carrying flowers.
You've behaved magnanimously thus far - continue to set a good example and hold back.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 28/04/2017 08:10

I think the mum would have more say than dad because she's the mum!!!! If i was in that situation, i would ensure i had more say.

Errrrr no you don't! 'Ensure you have more say? How exactly? Harass and bother them ?

Well, if it was my child, she wouldn't be going.

Well what a pleasant attitude. Stopping your DD doing something they want to do because you can't get your own way!

dotdotdotmustdash · 28/04/2017 08:14

Dotdot...You have no idea what the court has issued here, neither do i. The father may not have equal rights at all.

In the absence of a history of abuse (which hasn't been referred to) then the position of the court is to give the responsibility of the child equally to both parents, not necessarily in residence, but certainly one parent can't override the others choices in what they do when they're with them. You just can't veto activities because you're the mum, the courts would look very unfavourably on that.

Mumzypopz · 28/04/2017 12:59

Edmund...Yes she said she was on amicable terms, but sure she has said something also about the mil making the decision here and she felt the mil didn't want her etc.....I just think it's extremely rude to the Mum, and everyone seems to have overlooked that, they want the child, but not her!!!!

Mumzypopz · 28/04/2017 13:20

Piglet...I haven't said i would harrassing and bother anyone. What a strange thing to say. The mil and Sil want her child at a wedding, but not her. They don't even want her to pop in for a minute. That's extremely rude. It's her child. i think you should read my post properly before having a go at me.

Mumzypopz · 28/04/2017 13:22

Dotdot....You don't even know if they went to court. The courts may not have been involved. They may have decided to just work it out amicably.

EdmundCleverClogs · 28/04/2017 13:23

they want the child, but not her!!!!

Well that's the way it tends to work when two parents are no longer together . It's great they get along, but this is a family event on the dad's side - would you be making such a case if the dad wanted to invite himself to an event on his ex's side of the family?

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