Wibu to cancel going to this wedding?

[silkpyjamasallday]

DP, DD and I were due to go to a wedding on DPs side in May in Italy. I was really excited as this would be baby's first trip abroad and I love Italy plus I had got myself a new outfit that I feel good in for the wedding itself. We haven't been away for a long time as we have never been able to afford it, but DP came into a very large inheritance recently so it became a possibility. We were planning to stay around a week after the wedding to enjoy Italy and make it a proper holiday.

However, now DPs dad has decided he wants to come too, but he can't afford it, didn't tell us this previously (but I knew he would ask us to pay) only informed us he was also going to attend the wedding, then requests that DP pays for his flights etc. He then started pestering us as to whether we had booked accommodation for us all, this hadn't been the plan, we wanted to stay in the Baglioni hotel that we have stayed at before but as FIL is now also coming we decided to get a large air bnb instead as paying for another adults flights and 5* accommodation is far more than we wanted to spend. FIL then invites his mother to come too, but she lives on the other side of the world and he told her we would also pay for her flights to the uk and then on to Italy and pay for accommodation.

So what was initially a relatively inexpensive holiday has spiralled into potentially costing ££££ as we would now be paying for four adults and long haul flights. We have cut the visit down to 3 days now to cut costs but I just don't think it is worth it anymore, the hassle of travelling with dd for only 2 nights does not appeal. The only reason this has happened is because since finding out that DP has had this inheritance his family are treating it like a lottery win and expect him to pay for everything, their deposits, rents, mortgages, Christmas, birthdays etc etc. But we have never been big spenders, most of our clothes and furniture are second hand and picked up cheaply, whereas his family are head to toe in flashy designer gear that they can't afford, and so far we have spent more money on them than we have on ourselves or our home.

This holiday was to be our one treat before we start to invest the money sensibly. DP has been far too soft, because he wants to help his family which I understand but they are taking advantage majorly imo. We plan to use the money to buy a home outright and put towards future school fees/ money for extracurriculars and trips for dd when she is older, not frittering it away on other people who have had decades more lifetime to sort themselves out. I just don't understand why his family think that it is ok to take from a young family just starting out for their own luxuries.

So now I just don't want to go. I don't get on with FIL anyway, I am totally civil but he is a misogynistic twat, and makes comments to me such as 'you've put on a lot of weight' 4 months after I had DD which I know are just digs to make me feel bad (I am a size 6-8 so not big at all and if I was much thinner would look very ill) and then gives me a non-apology when DP took him to task over it. It would be the first time DD would meet her great grandma on DPs side but we were planning to go to her country for New Years so she would get to see the baby soon anyway.

We have booked an airbnb now but not flights and I am tempted to just loose the money on the airbnb rather than spend thousands on what will now be a wholly unpleasant experience for me. I also feel bad for the family member who is getting married, but we haven't ordered food etc so us cancelling won't put the bride and groom out of pocket.

So WIBU to just refuse to go and cancel the whole thing?

You have the chance to set down a marker which will save you a lot of trouble in the future.

Revert to your original arrangements and tell your partner that as far as you are concerned his family can make and pay for theirs, and leave it to him to tell them.

Your partner will feel torn and you may expect some strife; your partner's family will hit the roof and probably make life unpleasant for you for a while - but STICK TO YOUR GUNS if you don't want this wedding to set a pattern for the rest of your life, whereby your partner's family treat you like an interest free credit card that you never have to settle.

If you don't get your way, then simply don't go to the wedding and organise a nice holiday for yourself and partner instead.

If you let them get away with this you will simply be making a rod for your back.

You mentioned wealth counselling, has your DP received any? It would probably be wise for you both to safeguard as much as possible. Buy a lovely family home and put the rest in savings that can't be accessed immediately. Avoid any high risk investments, just ISA type things for security. Look into a pension. Allow yourself a certain amount each year for nice things. If most of the money is tied up then it will be harder to succumb to a hard luck story from friends/relatives. If the leeches around you know (or at least believe) the money is secured rather than sitting in a big lump in the bank, it may dissuade them from asking for random handouts. Get married and get your DP to make a will to protect his daughter's future. Also, don't forget that you may have more children and so need to factor that into any future plans. Your MIL wanted her son to have this money. If she had wanted her shit of an ex to have it, she would have left him some. Greedy relatives smell money like sharks smell blood. Good luck op!

How much inheritance

That's not really relevant, is it Jeanne

You can have a joint account without being married, and you should be able to set it up so that both signatures are required before money is released, I'm sure that option is still available, isn't it?

That's a good idea. As is having your Dad (and/or Mum) have a chat to him, maybe. Make him feel like he does have parents, in yours - and that his loser sponging bastard DNA donor isn't worth another penny.
I would also tell your parents about the worst of the abuse your MIL had to put up with - they might be able to tell your DH if you can't bring yourself to do so.

I'm so sorry that he's been taken such advantage of - but he has to let go of his need to please others, or he'll lose the lot. :(

I still don't understand why you haven't told DP about the abuse of your Mil?
Your either protecting him or saving it to use as a weapon.

Posted to soon
Against your fil as you know he will ask for more at some point.
Nil it in the bud op.

Please invest in a family home as soon as possible - when the money is tied up your Fil and others won't be able to ask for hand outs any more.

You need to get firm with this and tell him everything that your FIL did to your MIL.

He lets one penny of that money go to that prick, then that is a insult on his mothers memory and the shit she went through with that man.

That was her money, that she wanted her only child to have.

Well we aren't going to Italy anymore, DP and I had a long talk about everything and cancelled the airbnb and got a full refund, called FIL and told him that we weren't going to go as with the expense of two extra adults and a long haul flight it wasn't worth it and we weren't willing to spend so much money on three days of 'holiday'. He also told his dad that he had been royally taking the piss with regards to money and that he wouldn't be paying for anything else ever so don't bother asking. Hopefully this new found backbone will remain in place and he won't give in the next time his dad inevitably comes around asking for an 'investment' into his latest business idea. It is a massive weight off of both of our shoulders and hopefully it has made DP feel more assured in saying no.

Funnily enough FIL and his mother have now miraculously found the funds to pay for themselves to go. I did think maybe we could revert to our original plan now of hotel and a week stay but I don't really want to spend what is supposed to be a relaxing holiday with them as maintaining civility would be too draining.

DP took on board what I said about his mother not wanting him to spend her money on his dad because of the abuse, but he did say it felt like emotional blackmail, which I can understand. I still haven't told him the full extent as I think it would all be too much right now, I will tell him once things have calmed down. There is so much emotion attached to every decision he makes and it is obviously very difficult for him, but he knows that I have his back and want the best for him above and beyond anyone else.

FIL is having his mum to stay in the UK for a month after the wedding so we will be obliged to spend time with them, which I will find difficult, so I am going to book a weeks trip somewhere in the uk for DD and I to go with my school friend who is returning from a year in India while they are here to avoid at least some of it. And DP and I are now going to plan our own holiday which we won't tell anyone about, any suggestions for somewhere very tranquil and relaxing** with no wifi? Not bothered where, we are happy to do long haul while it's free for DD!

Also just seen that a flat we had viewed in London has been reduced by £50k so will be arranging a second viewing asap. We were waiting to find something 'perfect' that would be a forever home but I'd rather the money was gone on anything now to be honest just so the money isn't accessible as we don't have to live in it straight away and could rent it out to friends before we move.

OP if you rent to friends make sure you have a proper tenancy agreement just so everyone is clear about terms. I rented to family who stopped paying the rent (thought I was wealthier than them and forgetting I was paying all the outgoings) and I needed to enforce the agreement.
Good luck.

i hope everything goes well for you. buy the home you really love - and make it your own. If you need to tie up money out of harms way the bank can advise you. 💐

Silk maybe tell your DH about the details of what mil told you before his father rocks up to yours for a break. With you away your fil will have plenty of time to work on your dh's emotions. Your DH needs to know to make informed decisions with regards his fathers begging.

I'm glad in the interim things have calmed down for you both.

If you do buy a flat, rent it out to friends by all means, but make sure it's fully managed through an agency and with a full contract and deposit. Sure you can agree on a rental figure you're comfortable with, but not too far below the market rate.

Exactly what fuzzy said ^ Have that talk before his dad and grandmother get there.

I'm sure his dad is wise enough to know that you are giving him the backup he needs to say 'no' and if you aren't there he's going to take advantage of your absence.

TBH I'd be very leery of leaving your DP alone with them.

These sound like sensible actions:

I still haven't told him the full extent as I think it would all be too much right now, I will tell him once things have calmed down.

We were waiting to find something 'perfect' that would be a forever home but I'd rather the money was gone on anything now to be honest just so the money isn't accessible

Good luck with sticking to them.

You Need to tell him.
It will eat away at you and a secret if this magnitude will tear apart your relationship as he won't get the full reasoning behind your side of the argument and he'll be looking for other answers, like saying you are racist.

You could write down everything she told you. Put it in an envelope and tell him it's what his mum told you and what he needs to know. That way he can read it in his own time, he can process it and won't get angry hearing those things from you as the messenger. He can talk about it with you afterwards and things will be waiter to explain and you wit get mixed up having to say all those things out loud

"Waiter" I meant "easier"

silk I've just finished reading the whole thread and I am so glad that your DP is realising what is going on. Hope the flat viewing goes well and you decide to buy it. Best the money is tied up out of harms way and the flat will surely increase in price. Agree with TimeTo it's a good idea to write a letter stating what his DM told you, but please get him to read it before his FIL and his grandmother come over so that he doesn't weaken without you there.

I am so glad this has turned out well, I did fear otherwise when I was reading the thread. Good luck to you both, enjoy planning your holiday and the rest of your lives together.

If the flat doesn't work out then put the money into a fixed term product even if it's just a 6 month one. That way the money is tied up so your DP gets some breathing space.

Pleased with how things are going for you, Silk and I see why you're not telling him about the full extent of the abuse just now, as it would definitely feel like overkill for him, given that he's already accusing you of emotional blackmail.

However, I do think you should earmark a time to still tell him - or, as I previously suggested, tell your parents and maybe have your mum tell him, as she's similar generation and standing to his own mother. It might have more impact from her.

I also think you've done the right thing re. cancelling going to the wedding entirely - FIL and GMIL aren't going to let up if they set eyes on you there.

And finally, wrt to the flat you're looking at - great plan, but have to agree with others that IF you rent it to friends, have a proper contract in place. And preferably do it through an agent even though it will cost a bit more to do that. I let my house to friends of friends when I first emigrated and I was lucky it wasn't more of a disaster than it was. They were crap and while they didn't actively damage the house, the dilapidation and mess they created certainly didn't help and cost me money at the end of the day, despite them losing their deposit over it.
I learnt that actually, friends (and friends of friends) are MORE likely to take the piss than randoms. So please take our combined experience to heart and make sure you let it through the proper channels.

Hope you find your dream destination! :)

I think he needs to hear what his mother told you from you, in words or letter. I think getting your mother to tell him, as good as the intention might be, will hurt more as it's someone else who knew before him and he would wonder why his partner isn't doing it, rather his MIL.

Hoorah OP! I am glad he has listened to you. I agree that you need to tell him everything his mother told you and maybe write it as a word document/email so that he doesnt forever associate your handwriting with something so difficult.
Also give it a while but maybe tell him you thought it unfair he accused you of racism. It is such a heavy accusation even if he was upset at the time.
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