Wibu to cancel going to this wedding?

[silkpyjamasallday]

DP, DD and I were due to go to a wedding on DPs side in May in Italy. I was really excited as this would be baby's first trip abroad and I love Italy plus I had got myself a new outfit that I feel good in for the wedding itself. We haven't been away for a long time as we have never been able to afford it, but DP came into a very large inheritance recently so it became a possibility. We were planning to stay around a week after the wedding to enjoy Italy and make it a proper holiday.

However, now DPs dad has decided he wants to come too, but he can't afford it, didn't tell us this previously (but I knew he would ask us to pay) only informed us he was also going to attend the wedding, then requests that DP pays for his flights etc. He then started pestering us as to whether we had booked accommodation for us all, this hadn't been the plan, we wanted to stay in the Baglioni hotel that we have stayed at before but as FIL is now also coming we decided to get a large air bnb instead as paying for another adults flights and 5* accommodation is far more than we wanted to spend. FIL then invites his mother to come too, but she lives on the other side of the world and he told her we would also pay for her flights to the uk and then on to Italy and pay for accommodation.

So what was initially a relatively inexpensive holiday has spiralled into potentially costing ££££ as we would now be paying for four adults and long haul flights. We have cut the visit down to 3 days now to cut costs but I just don't think it is worth it anymore, the hassle of travelling with dd for only 2 nights does not appeal. The only reason this has happened is because since finding out that DP has had this inheritance his family are treating it like a lottery win and expect him to pay for everything, their deposits, rents, mortgages, Christmas, birthdays etc etc. But we have never been big spenders, most of our clothes and furniture are second hand and picked up cheaply, whereas his family are head to toe in flashy designer gear that they can't afford, and so far we have spent more money on them than we have on ourselves or our home.

This holiday was to be our one treat before we start to invest the money sensibly. DP has been far too soft, because he wants to help his family which I understand but they are taking advantage majorly imo. We plan to use the money to buy a home outright and put towards future school fees/ money for extracurriculars and trips for dd when she is older, not frittering it away on other people who have had decades more lifetime to sort themselves out. I just don't understand why his family think that it is ok to take from a young family just starting out for their own luxuries.

So now I just don't want to go. I don't get on with FIL anyway, I am totally civil but he is a misogynistic twat, and makes comments to me such as 'you've put on a lot of weight' 4 months after I had DD which I know are just digs to make me feel bad (I am a size 6-8 so not big at all and if I was much thinner would look very ill) and then gives me a non-apology when DP took him to task over it. It would be the first time DD would meet her great grandma on DPs side but we were planning to go to her country for New Years so she would get to see the baby soon anyway.

We have booked an airbnb now but not flights and I am tempted to just loose the money on the airbnb rather than spend thousands on what will now be a wholly unpleasant experience for me. I also feel bad for the family member who is getting married, but we haven't ordered food etc so us cancelling won't put the bride and groom out of pocket.

So WIBU to just refuse to go and cancel the whole thing?

It absolutely IS your place to pass on the stories from DH's Mum about the full extent of the abuse - that is why she told you...!!!!

Sit him down and tell him.

And insist that he starts saying NO.

I agree with Bathsheba, you absolutely do have to tell your husband what your DMIL confided in you so your DH can make an informed decision and stop feeling guilty and as if he needs to bankroll his relationship with his father.

Why do women do this so much, not tell their children that their fathers are in some cases utterly vile.

Oh my gosh I could have written this about my own family on a different topic. My husband's brother and his fiancée are total takers (I might add that both are I Bridge educated and more than capable of organising and paying for their own lives but they try and get stuff for free from us whenever they can - it makes my blood boil).
I would therefore say you need to be totally honest and open with your husband - if I were you I'd even show him this thread and get him to read it when you are there and then sit down at the kitchen table and discuss. I personally wouldn't NOT go. I'd then secretly go away for a nice holiday with your husband and not bother telling the rest of the family. It's none of their bl**dy business IMO! Sending you a big hug as you are not the only one in this position and I SO feel your pain. If you wanna rant further then inbox me - I'm stuck at home with a poorly child who is sleeping right now bless her - I love a good rant, especially about family members who are total takers

Agee sit him down and tell him. You can't have that secret between you and it will help him understand where you are coming from and why his mum wouldn't have wanted him to give his dad any money. Please tell him

if I were you I'd even show him this thread

95%+ of the time this is usually a very bad idea.

I think this is one of those ' AIBU' threads where you just A) want to shake your head in amazement and B) Thank God that you don't have those kind of in laws.

Obviously the holiday and the parasitic attempts of the FIL to extract as much money out of you as possible is a side show.

The big issue is your DH's failure to confront his F over his attitude and behaviour. How many relationships have been driven to collapse by a partners failure to confront unreasonable behaviour by their parent? too many is the answer.

Short term solution? go on holiday, but refuse to share accommodation with this man. If your DH is prepared to shell out on flights etc, then he can pay for separate accomm. for your FIL.

Long term , this fleecing by his family has to end, as there will be big trouble down the road otherwise.

Quite frankly, the FIL sounds like a nasty piece of work. From what you've said, I would keep a very close eye on my nearest and dearest when he's around.

Good luck with however you decide to deal the situation

You should definitely tell DH what MIL told you. She told you for a reason, to warn you, to protect you and to protect DH.

DH can't ruin his relationship with his father because his father has ruined it already. The sooner he realizes this the sooner he will stop trying to please a man who will only slap him down at every attempt.

If it was me I would tell DP about the abuse because if FIL is that awful you don't want him being left with your DD and you need DP to understand why. It is totally his business now FIL wants to stay in the same accomadtion as your family, it's up to you to give him the full picture so you can both make informed decisions about who is and isn't allowed in her life.

It just so happens that if you tell him about that you won't have the worry about holiday/wedding/money grabbing after that as your DP should grow a back bone and tell him where to go

I do hope you go and have a wonderful time though

Sorry but this thread is making my blood boil for you!!

Of course your freeloading FIL wants to build a relationship now with your DD now! What's going to happen when if money runs out, your DP won't see him again for dust!! And as for him saying he's been there for his son during this difficult time, it's obvious that he knew your DP would inherit his DM's wealth, it's all for financial gain on his side!

Honestly you need to sit down and tell your DP the truth about everything, see how willing he is to support him then.

I do hope you manage to get it all sorted with a good result for you and your family and that you get to go and enjoy a holiday that you were clearly looking forward to.

Fuck that shit op!
Gt a house sharpish.
Tie that money up so no fucker can get their hands on it.
Secure your child's future.
When fil comes stay there and if they go out go with them.
Tell your DP what your Mil told you regarding fil. Then ask him if he is happy giving her money to the man that abused her and that he should be ashamed of doing that. BUT TIE UP THAT MONEY. Pretend you've lost it if you have to.
I wonder what would happen if you called your fil on it? If you said to him in front of DP that he was a grasping free loader who didn't support his son when his son was a child and he had a nerve showing his face around him now he'd come into money!

So buy a house, spend the money and then see how long FIL
hangs around. And of course it's your place to tell him what your MIL told you, she told you precisely for that reason !! You have a child and are getting married.

I have a very abusive father. My dad told my dh something in confidence and dh told me immediately. I was so glad he did because it was his attempt to split us up. Your fil sounds like my dad.
I think you should tell him because he needs to know who his father really is. Also knowledge is power. His poor mum's abuser is benefiting from her money.

I agree, tell him what his mum told you. If she could see what's happening now then I bet she'd want you to tell him to bring him to his senses.

There is absolutely nothing you can do to fix this situation, without your DP stepping up to the plate and getting on board.

You know your MIL would be appalled by him spending money on this total freeloader.

Surely this has to be stopped by the obvious means at your disposal.

If FIL is such a risk to women - and it sounds like he is - surely your DP needs to know the full facts for your DD's sake.

I also agree you need to tell your dp the full extent of the abuse. You said your mil would have hated this man having the money. I don't think you would be denigrating her memory for telling him. I think you would be honouring it.

I've just realised what you said Dowager. . I hadn't thought of sexual abuse.

Of course you need to tell him about the abuse!! I can't imagine ever keeping something like that a secret from my DH!!

You were considering his request and he took your potential generosity too far. Entitled or what? Hard choice. Why should you miss out? DH should tell him that inviting grandma and assuming you would pay was a step too far and makes you feel as if he is taking you for granted.

The money was left to dh to do with what he will, not as a personal banker for the rest if the family. Until fil decided what dh should do with his money, you were considering accommodating his request. Now? No.

When will this stop? When it is all gone and you have nothing for your future or the kids? No. No. No. If dh finds this hard, book him into an airbnb accommodation for two days and flights for that period for him only. You stick to your original plans to which, he is not welcome. As to gran? Sorry. You will visit her alone in the future and he had no right spending your money in this way. One of the reasons fil has no money is the absence of budgeting and planning, something you and dh cannot be accused of. You allocated x amount to this trip and that is what you are going to spend.

I don't think MIL would be to pleased to see her X given a single penny of her money

....and another thing......
Ask yourself why mil left the money to dh and no one else in that family? They couldn't get to it when she was alive so they are using guilt to try and get it now she has gone.
Enough already.
They have had more than they are entitled to. Tell them he has gambled it away and there is nothing left. They will disappear into the ether. They don't need to know you are paying the mortgage off or anything you spend it on. It is none of their biz. My ddad is like this and we ignore him now.
Oh and do tell dh what mil told you. Maybe she could not tell him herself because she was ashamed to admit it happened,

My DH inherited money from his late father, and to cut a very long story short, ended up giving a pretty substantial amount to his sister (who had a troubled history with her dad and was left less money as DH did far more for him and was executor/POA for him before he died). I was so so angry, it was money that his father left DH not his sister, but she created so much drama and emotional blackmail about it that he just handed over enough money to have bought all 3 of our DDs a new car each or a house deposit.

But, and this is a big but, it was DH's money not mine and at the end of the day, it was his to give away. I've found it incredibly hard to even be civil to my SIL however, and the only thing that I made DH do was to change his will so that she didn't get anything else from him!!! As hard as this is on you and I would be seething at this too, you have to accept that he loves them and just wants to make them happy. It's really sad that he's being taken advantage of over it.

From the OP...

She didn't tell him I assume because his disgusting behaviour is only towards women so I suppose she didn't see a risk in him having access to DP as a child and wanted them to have some sort of relationship

Well, now there's a DD on the scene.

Keeping a secret of this magnitude will be detrimental to your marriage. For more reasons than one.

You might aswell give your fil all the money. Its what will happen eventually anyway

You need to tell your DH what your MIL told you. Hiding the truth from him any longer would be a huge mistake.