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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wibu to cancel going to this wedding?

174 replies

silkpyjamasallday · 26/04/2017 09:51

DP, DD and I were due to go to a wedding on DPs side in May in Italy. I was really excited as this would be baby's first trip abroad and I love Italy plus I had got myself a new outfit that I feel good in for the wedding itself. We haven't been away for a long time as we have never been able to afford it, but DP came into a very large inheritance recently so it became a possibility. We were planning to stay around a week after the wedding to enjoy Italy and make it a proper holiday.

However, now DPs dad has decided he wants to come too, but he can't afford it, didn't tell us this previously (but I knew he would ask us to pay) only informed us he was also going to attend the wedding, then requests that DP pays for his flights etc. He then started pestering us as to whether we had booked accommodation for us all, this hadn't been the plan, we wanted to stay in the Baglioni hotel that we have stayed at before but as FIL is now also coming we decided to get a large air bnb instead as paying for another adults flights and 5* accommodation is far more than we wanted to spend. FIL then invites his mother to come too, but she lives on the other side of the world and he told her we would also pay for her flights to the uk and then on to Italy and pay for accommodation.

So what was initially a relatively inexpensive holiday has spiralled into potentially costing ££££ as we would now be paying for four adults and long haul flights. We have cut the visit down to 3 days now to cut costs but I just don't think it is worth it anymore, the hassle of travelling with dd for only 2 nights does not appeal. The only reason this has happened is because since finding out that DP has had this inheritance his family are treating it like a lottery win and expect him to pay for everything, their deposits, rents, mortgages, Christmas, birthdays etc etc. But we have never been big spenders, most of our clothes and furniture are second hand and picked up cheaply, whereas his family are head to toe in flashy designer gear that they can't afford, and so far we have spent more money on them than we have on ourselves or our home.

This holiday was to be our one treat before we start to invest the money sensibly. DP has been far too soft, because he wants to help his family which I understand but they are taking advantage majorly imo. We plan to use the money to buy a home outright and put towards future school fees/ money for extracurriculars and trips for dd when she is older, not frittering it away on other people who have had decades more lifetime to sort themselves out. I just don't understand why his family think that it is ok to take from a young family just starting out for their own luxuries.

So now I just don't want to go. I don't get on with FIL anyway, I am totally civil but he is a misogynistic twat, and makes comments to me such as 'you've put on a lot of weight' 4 months after I had DD which I know are just digs to make me feel bad (I am a size 6-8 so not big at all and if I was much thinner would look very ill) and then gives me a non-apology when DP took him to task over it. It would be the first time DD would meet her great grandma on DPs side but we were planning to go to her country for New Years so she would get to see the baby soon anyway.

We have booked an airbnb now but not flights and I am tempted to just loose the money on the airbnb rather than spend thousands on what will now be a wholly unpleasant experience for me. I also feel bad for the family member who is getting married, but we haven't ordered food etc so us cancelling won't put the bride and groom out of pocket.

So WIBU to just refuse to go and cancel the whole thing?

OP posts:
Sparklyglitter · 27/04/2017 18:33

It sounds like you've got yourself into a tight corner... I would talk to your partner about this, it does sound like they are taking advantage - I really don't think you should pay for your FIL's mother especially as you haven't offered!!! Xxx

Tapandgo · 27/04/2017 18:34

Sorry 'touched' - obs

AlexRose5 · 27/04/2017 18:40

Urgh ! He sounds like a ghastly entitled old twat! Sorry to read this OP, it's not nice to have something you're looking forward to suddenly become a thing of dread . My advice would be (due to how close the date is) grin and bear it on this occasion . Then have a serious one to one with hubby once it's all over . The foot needs to go DOWN! Get the rest of that money invested and when they start to try mooch off you just say Sorry. Money is al tied up in investments now! They'll soon realise the well has run dry . Good luck OP Flowers

purplecoathanger · 27/04/2017 18:41

Dear god, what a flipping cheek. Tell these spongers to get lost.

OliviaBenson · 27/04/2017 18:43

He's given £40k away? Wow. He's clearly deflecting on you with the racist comment. Can you ask him to discuss this with his councillor and get him to agree that for now none of the money is to be spent? I would also tell him what his mother told you.

ohfourfoxache · 27/04/2017 18:54

£40k Shock

Holy fuck, that is a lot of money.

He has a hell of a lot of people around him wanting to take advantage Sad

ohtheholidays · 27/04/2017 19:11

Honestly before you even said anything about FIL having been abusive I was thinking you should tell your DP that him giving the money to his Dad is an insult to his Mother's wishes,now I really think you need to tell him that and if he doesn't listen tell him why!

EweAreHere · 27/04/2017 19:29

Your DH has lost the ability to distinguish between 'loved ones' and 'leeches', sadly.

Does he really want leeches in his life? Probably not, but first he has to recognize this.

Seeingadistance · 27/04/2017 19:30

I feel so sad for your partner. Losing his mother when he is so young is really tragic, especially as he was her only child. He must feel as if he's being pulled in all different directions - so many life-changing things all happening at once, when he is so vulnerable.

He is very lucky to have you, OP.

Inertia · 27/04/2017 19:56

You absolutely have a duty to tell your DP what your MIL told you, as you both have a duty to protect your child.

SherbrookeFosterer · 27/04/2017 20:06

YANBU, but I would just bite it and go ahead.

But every birthday and christmas buy him something shi**y from the Poundshop.

SusieOwl4 · 27/04/2017 20:23

I would stick to your plan and put them somewhere cheaper .

bakerboo79 · 27/04/2017 20:40

Please please please tell your DH what your FIL did to your mother. I am a survivor of domestic abuse and would be utterly devastated if that man ever had the opportunity to take advantage of a child or the money I'd worked hard for and left to that child. It's just my opinion but please do the right thing by DH and ex MIL
She doesn't deserve in her passing for FIL to hurt her any further and DH not knowing and facilitating cash is doing just that.
X

bakerboo79 · 27/04/2017 20:41

Sorry typing too fast and emotionally I meant your mother in law not 'your mother'

bakerboo79 · 27/04/2017 20:43

Plus it sounds like FIL is displaying the same manipulative coercive control probably inflicted on DH mother x

TheDowagerCuntess · 27/04/2017 20:50

Before we agreed to call it off this morning he got quite angry with me saying that it is because they are black that I think they are being grabby

Nice silencing technique.

Your DP isn't going to be able to send his FIL away on his own.

By that, I mean as things stand - without counselling, without access to all the information about his Dad (and so probably more counselling), and without support from people who genuinely love him.

Tapandgo · 27/04/2017 20:54

Bakerloo is right - plus your FIL obviously believes he should have the money and aims to work his way through it all. It's pretty insulting to his mums memory to give it to her abuser.

milliemolliemou · 27/04/2017 21:15

You call him DP - are you married? and you're clearly both young. When the FIL rubbish is cleared I would seriously (a) take him on a holiday that would relax him (b) get him to agree to put his mum's money into a house and save the rest, wealth counsellors a good idea (c) if you don't want to marry each make a will so you don't lose out. If he dies intestate right now it'll go to his father. I believe. Don't let his dad round with a tempting stew! (d) go slow on his ma's comments - they may be true but no one knows so - apart from the fact his subsequent behaviour to a gf shows he's vindictive.

Having said all that there are huge traditions in Asian, African and American customs where you feel responsible for supporting your relatives if you come into fortune. To say nothing of the Brits until the 19C and beyond. So it's a pressure modern day insular Brits don't recognise.

TheDowagerCuntess · 27/04/2017 21:28

I think the OP said they're engaged, millie

Abraiid2 · 27/04/2017 21:32

He is lucky to have you,OP. Your instinct are spot on.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/04/2017 21:33

At this point, if your DH understands that giving this money away isn't the right thing to do, I think you should have it set up on a two signature basis. That way you would both have to agree. I understand this is a touchy thing because it IS his inheritance, but if he's not able to exercise good judgement on his own, well then someone needs to help him and who better than you.

As far as the abuse issue, he really, really needs to know the full extent. Any relationship should be based on complete knowledge of the person one is involved with, be it parent, sibling, or partner. His relationship with his father is based on falsehoods, therefore he is not making informed decisions when he makes any decisions regarding his father. This is not fair to him. You have knowledge that he should have. If the positions were reversed, wouldn't you want to know?

As far as telling him, well, feelings are high now. If the wedding thing is settled for sure, I'd wait a bit until the issue has 'died down' and he's not feeling defensive or 'mean'. Then I'd sit him down calmly and say "There are things your mother told me about her and your dad before she died. She didn't want you to know but I really feel now that you do need to be told. I'm sorry I didn't tell you before, but I was torn between her wishes and your right to know. I know now it was a mistake to abide by her wishes". Then tell him everything.

By any chance does he have siblings or other relatives who know the whole story? You need to face the real possibility that he'll be in a state of denial and accuse you of lying. It's one of the reasons I suggested waiting until things have cooled down a bit. If there are other family members who know, they could back you up if need be.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/04/2017 21:34

Oops, just realized you aren't married. That would probably nix having the money on a two signature account. Maybe a verbal agreement that both of you need to agree on him giving away money?

ChasedByBees · 27/04/2017 21:37

Only read first four pages disclaimer....

he really just doesn't want to ruin his relationship with his dad who doesn't speak to or see his other children.

Surely a loving father wouldn't stop seeing his child just because they stopped bankrolling them? Not paying would be the best way to be sure why the father is in your life.

Can you not tell your DH that your mother would be incredibly distressed to know her money was going towards his father?

And yes, I think you need to tell him the extent of the abuse.

ChasedByBees · 27/04/2017 21:41

DP has been deeply affected by losing his mum, he is only 23, and I think he already knows his dad will disappear if the money isn't flowing and just can't cope with the thought of losing them both. He has said he already feels like an orphan because his mum raised him on her own for the most part

They will keep going until the money is gone. At that point your DH really will feel like an orphan and all the money that could have been used for his childrens' futures will be gone and he really will be in pain.

Tell him the truth now as you need to stop his family taking such advantage of him.

happilyeverafta · 27/04/2017 22:00

Bloody hell just tell
Them
Yourself NO!

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