Wibu to cancel going to this wedding?

[silkpyjamasallday]

DP, DD and I were due to go to a wedding on DPs side in May in Italy. I was really excited as this would be baby's first trip abroad and I love Italy plus I had got myself a new outfit that I feel good in for the wedding itself. We haven't been away for a long time as we have never been able to afford it, but DP came into a very large inheritance recently so it became a possibility. We were planning to stay around a week after the wedding to enjoy Italy and make it a proper holiday.

However, now DPs dad has decided he wants to come too, but he can't afford it, didn't tell us this previously (but I knew he would ask us to pay) only informed us he was also going to attend the wedding, then requests that DP pays for his flights etc. He then started pestering us as to whether we had booked accommodation for us all, this hadn't been the plan, we wanted to stay in the Baglioni hotel that we have stayed at before but as FIL is now also coming we decided to get a large air bnb instead as paying for another adults flights and 5* accommodation is far more than we wanted to spend. FIL then invites his mother to come too, but she lives on the other side of the world and he told her we would also pay for her flights to the uk and then on to Italy and pay for accommodation.

So what was initially a relatively inexpensive holiday has spiralled into potentially costing ££££ as we would now be paying for four adults and long haul flights. We have cut the visit down to 3 days now to cut costs but I just don't think it is worth it anymore, the hassle of travelling with dd for only 2 nights does not appeal. The only reason this has happened is because since finding out that DP has had this inheritance his family are treating it like a lottery win and expect him to pay for everything, their deposits, rents, mortgages, Christmas, birthdays etc etc. But we have never been big spenders, most of our clothes and furniture are second hand and picked up cheaply, whereas his family are head to toe in flashy designer gear that they can't afford, and so far we have spent more money on them than we have on ourselves or our home.

This holiday was to be our one treat before we start to invest the money sensibly. DP has been far too soft, because he wants to help his family which I understand but they are taking advantage majorly imo. We plan to use the money to buy a home outright and put towards future school fees/ money for extracurriculars and trips for dd when she is older, not frittering it away on other people who have had decades more lifetime to sort themselves out. I just don't understand why his family think that it is ok to take from a young family just starting out for their own luxuries.

So now I just don't want to go. I don't get on with FIL anyway, I am totally civil but he is a misogynistic twat, and makes comments to me such as 'you've put on a lot of weight' 4 months after I had DD which I know are just digs to make me feel bad (I am a size 6-8 so not big at all and if I was much thinner would look very ill) and then gives me a non-apology when DP took him to task over it. It would be the first time DD would meet her great grandma on DPs side but we were planning to go to her country for New Years so she would get to see the baby soon anyway.

We have booked an airbnb now but not flights and I am tempted to just loose the money on the airbnb rather than spend thousands on what will now be a wholly unpleasant experience for me. I also feel bad for the family member who is getting married, but we haven't ordered food etc so us cancelling won't put the bride and groom out of pocket.

So WIBU to just refuse to go and cancel the whole thing?

sounds a nightmare. i wouldn't go

God almighty! You need to tell your DP about the abuse! How on earth can you say itswnot for you to tell?
It might make your DP see FIL for what he really is and ultimately help him to detach himself from this awful relationship.
I would also venture a guess that MIL told you in the hope that one day you opened your DPs eyes about his abusive father when most probably she didn't have the strength to do so herself. Poor woman, to think her money is now being spent on her abuser.

OP I too think your DP should be told what your MIL told you -- it sounds very much as if she was warning you, (and hence any children in your family) about your FIL. Shouldn't your fiancé know about him too? You both have to protect your DD.
As for the money, if your DP lets this situation continue it will eat away at you; it must be very hard to see him being taken advantage of and treated so disrespectfully. I woiuld be outraged on his behalf as well as concerned that this situation, if unchecked, may jeopardise your plans and your dd's future.

You have to tell him about the abuse! You have a daughter to protect.

If I was your MIL, I would be livid that FIL was being given my money that I'd left to my son.

Hell's wheels, woman, why in the name of holy do you think your DP's mother told you? She WANTED you to tell him - she never could have herself, but she WANTED HIM TO KNOW. It is absolutely your place to not only tell him what his dying mother told you, but also to point out again and again that this feckless abuser would be literally the last person his mother would want her money to go to.

And you might as well point out that once the money pot has dried up, he won't see his "dad" again, because he will once again be no use to him.

I feel desperately sorry for your DP but he needs to pull his head out of this sentimental fog that it's currently in and realise that he's NOT getting a "relationship" out of this situation, his "father" is just bleeding him dry and will cast him off like a dried out husk when all the money is gone. Your DP may also need counselling to come to terms with the loss of his mum, and his rather desperate attempt to replace a parent figure with this disgusting leech.

So and :( for you both. xx

You have a DUTY to tell your husband about the abuse. If not, you are opening your DD up to being abused by this vile man.

Secure your child's future!!! -someone else already said it and I agree!

He feels guilty and wants to help them out? What about your babies!!! Won't he want to be able to help them out in future and give them a nice, secure home? Investing his money in a home and not having a mortgage to pay for will mean you might be able to afford to take your kids on nice holidays, do extracurricular activities etc. And surely you MIL would love the idea of her money being used for that!! Why not talk to your DH about how much your MIL would have hated her money being spent on your abusive FIL? Surely it is an assault on her memory?
And say if you cut FIL off it will prove whether he wants a relationship or just cash!

Is your DD your DP's? If you are engaged and have a child together then it is absolutely your place to decide jointly how the money should be spent. And absolutely your place to tell DP about the abuse. You have made a lifelong connection to this man by having a child with him. You are intending to marry him. You have a place in all these decisions and conversations.

If you can't persuade your OP to see sense, I suggest you don't go but don't tell your DP about the abuse immediately. If he wants to go, let him, then once he's returned and things have calmed down, tell him what you were told and that because of it and other reasons you find FIL's company intolerable. Then move onto the fact that FIL getting his hands on the money would be an insult to your DP's DM's memory.

Wow

Is your DH from a different culture?

I am aghast. This can't go ahead.

Tell them you're not going and then go. Fuck them. Freeloaders

Well we spoke about it all this morning, and we are now not going to Italy, but surprise surprise FIL and GM have found the money to do it themselves. So it was all just them trying to get a free holiday, which has made me even angrier towards them but DP still refuses to see it as them taking advantage.

DP knows that his dad abused his mum, but he doesn't know the extent of it which is truly horrific. That's why I don't know whether to reveal the full extent, even though I think the grizzly details would wake him up. He knows what his dad is like, he was arrested for assaulting his last girlfriend recently. This was after he had tried to ruin her career by calling her work and making false allegations that he thought would get her in trouble, luckily for her her work understood that the allegations were false and made out of malice. He also assaulted one of DPs siblings mum and DP witnessed it as a child. I suppose because I know what FIL is like I was quite scared to force the issue because I don't know what he would do to try to ruin my life but it had to be done. I just won't ever be left alone with him. DD will never be left with him despite FIL asking to babysit as I don't trust him to take care of her properly or not to have dodgy mates over to our house while we are gone DP agrees on this front.

Before we agreed to call it off this morning he got quite angry with me saying that it is because they are black that I think they are being grabby (DP is mixed race his mum is white) which upset me as I am not a racist person at all. He said I was trying to get him to cut them out of his life and it isn't fair as he doesn't have much family left and I still have 6 grandparents and my parents are still together so I don't understand how he feels. I explained I wasn't asking him to do that, but he needs to stop letting people take advantage of him whoever they are, just because a person is related to your doesn't mean you overlook shady actions and give them what they want.

It's less than a year since he lost his mum, it was extremely sudden, I was pregnant with dd at the time, and we were told she would have been here to meet her but unfortunately it wasn't the case, so I know everything is still so hard for him. He sees a shrink once a week and it does seem to help some of the time and I try to be as supportive as I can but this new situation with the money and his dad is so delicate.

I'm so angry that this is causing issues for us as a couple because of the guilt and manipulation from his FIL, we would have absolutely nothing to fight about if it wasn't for this.

If your Dh is calling you racist over your valid concerns then I think he needs to know the full story.

Also... Please treat yourself and go somewhere lovely. I think you all need a holiday after this.

I agree with Jeremy - if this issue is the only thing which causes arguments, your DH needs to know what his mother said. This knowledge is a very heavy burden for you to carry alone - and I think you should tell him this too.

I think his mother could probably say things to another woman which she couldn't bring herself to say to her son.

It sounds like a really difficult situation and like your DP isn't really coping too well after his mother's death. At least he's getting some counselling. At his next counselling session maybe you should ask him to bring up his allowing his family to take advantage of him because he's afraid of losing his family like he lost his mother. It's obviously an issue for him.

Also, why on earth would you give so much money already to people who aren't your children? This is why they all think it's ok to take advantage. To them, they ask and you give, so why would they stop doing that?

Grown adults shouldn't rely on other people to pay for anything for them.

This is beyond the Italy wedding trip, isn't it?
I've seen such a situation unfold before and it was not pretty. Unfortunately, you are a mug too for not putting your foot down earlier. Fuck this "his money not mine to do what I want". You are a couple and a team and you have a child together. I fucking do not believe in mine and his/hers BS.
Your husband is taken for a ride and you are an accomplish to his demise. His FIL would need nothing to do with him if it wasn't for the money.
I'm an open person, I wouldn't keep a secret that a dead person confide in me (or maybe, she wanted you to tell your DH), that would affect my family. And right now, you let a man that abused your dear MIL to do the same to your DH. Think about it. You can cut it in the bud.
You have a child to support and care for.
Your husband also needs counseling if he thinks by giving money away, it would buy him a truly caring father. It won't. Some people, including me, were unlucky in life. the end.

I think the root of the problem is DP has been deeply affected by losing his mum, he is only 23, and I think he already knows his dad will disappear if the money isn't flowing and just can't cope with the thought of losing them both. He has said he already feels like an orphan because his mum raised him on her own for the most part and although he loves his stepfather they are very different people.

I've never been a confrontational person, and although I've come into contact with some horrible people who have taken advantage of me in the past nothing has been like this. I feel protective of both DP and DD and I don't want to see either of them suffer because of the selfishness of other family members. I need him to understand that what I am doing comes from a place of love and caring for him and our child not hatred of his father, although personally I wouldn't want a relationship with him even if he was my father. But perhaps that is easy for me to say as my DF is a wonderful man, he is also very generous and giving, he and DP share this trait, but my dad doesn't let people walk all over him, anything he choses to give has been offered freely not requested with a side of emotional blackmail.

Hmm, I wonder..does he get on well with your dad? I'm just wondering if a heart to heart with your dad might help. Or his step dad. Could you get either of them on board?

I think in order to get your DP on side and see his father for what he is, you will need to tell him the extent of the abuse. I also think that MIL would not want her money going to that horrible f**r.
Agree with PP and if he does want to help out family, he gifts them a set amount now and says that will be all they will get, as he is using the money to buy a house and for your DDs education and for your family's future. If you are only in your early 20s then the money won't go as far as you think. Use it to get set up in life and don't fritter on his family leeches. Surely he will be able to see it like that?

You've hit the nail on the head OP. Your DH is grieving and it will be difficult for him to accept that he lost his dad a long long time ago. If he doesn't come to see that, your FIL will only magnify the loss by behaving like a dickhead again and again. And that's setting aside the potential risk your FIL poses to you, your DD, other women...

Aww this is turning out to be an even sadder story and I'm sorry OP you're in such a tricky situation, obviously you don't want to upset your DP even more but I think a good idea might be to go to the shrink together I think half the battle can be getting a male to agree to go in the first place but if he already is and having a positive experience then it could be a great safe place to share all your feelings of love and protection but with a third person to maybe take away the confrontation and give support to you both.

If you have always got on and the race thing has never been brought up before it could have been planted by his dad recently, what an odd thing to just come out with.

My parents know what is going on and are as disgusted as I am, they promised his mother before she died that they would take care of DP as their own, but like me they don't know what to say or do to make it better without causing a rift over FIL.

I think the one off gift of money would have worked at the beginning but now I would resent DP giving any of them any more than they have already had. It isn't just FIL either but other family members who between 5 of them so far have had over £40k in under a year, and this is more than double DPs salary which we live off perfectly happily. They have lied about bailiffs coming to repossess their house and having no money for food then calling a week later telling DP about the hover boards and iPhones they bought and then asking for more because they 'can't afford christmas' (which they didn't get btw because I went off on one)! The problem is they have no shame and I don't think DP realises that it won't stop if he keeps giving in and he at some point needs to explain why he can't give anymore. MIL had helped these people financially in the past but soon realised what sort of people they were and stopped.

Sadly it has been DPs friends as well asking for loans because they live lifestyles outside of their means, he doesn't seem to see the problem with seeing their pictures of cocktails and meals in expensive places on their social media as an issue even though they haven't paid him back after he helped when they were behind on rent.

I suggested to DP when we found out about the money that he should go for wealth counselling (which they do provide for lottery winners) because I feared that this would happen as I know that money turns people ugly. I also said he shouldn't tell anyone how much money he got because if people perceive you to have more than enough they think nothing of asking for a few thousand as it seems like a drop in the water.

I just feel so sad for him that almost everyone in his life has seen his mother's death not as a time to comfort DP and support him but as an opportunity to line their pockets. The people he should be able to trust are stabbing him in the back and he is so confused he just lets it wash over him.

Crickey, nip it in the bud now, either say no to them or don't go yourself, either way if you don't your whole inheritance will be gone!

Stick to plan a, what you initially planned. DH needs to stand up to his family, this behaviour will continue until he does.

The money will be gone before your home is bought unless a line is drawn. Either get a house bought and paid for sooner rather than later, or get in into an account that can't be touvhed for years. I would find the right time to tell him about the abuse your MIL endured - he needs to know why you and your daughter cannot be left with him.
He also needs to get a will written to ensure his money goes to his child and you.
There are too many bees round this honeypot edging you and your child to the back row.