Wibu to cancel going to this wedding?

[silkpyjamasallday]

DP, DD and I were due to go to a wedding on DPs side in May in Italy. I was really excited as this would be baby's first trip abroad and I love Italy plus I had got myself a new outfit that I feel good in for the wedding itself. We haven't been away for a long time as we have never been able to afford it, but DP came into a very large inheritance recently so it became a possibility. We were planning to stay around a week after the wedding to enjoy Italy and make it a proper holiday.

However, now DPs dad has decided he wants to come too, but he can't afford it, didn't tell us this previously (but I knew he would ask us to pay) only informed us he was also going to attend the wedding, then requests that DP pays for his flights etc. He then started pestering us as to whether we had booked accommodation for us all, this hadn't been the plan, we wanted to stay in the Baglioni hotel that we have stayed at before but as FIL is now also coming we decided to get a large air bnb instead as paying for another adults flights and 5* accommodation is far more than we wanted to spend. FIL then invites his mother to come too, but she lives on the other side of the world and he told her we would also pay for her flights to the uk and then on to Italy and pay for accommodation.

So what was initially a relatively inexpensive holiday has spiralled into potentially costing ££££ as we would now be paying for four adults and long haul flights. We have cut the visit down to 3 days now to cut costs but I just don't think it is worth it anymore, the hassle of travelling with dd for only 2 nights does not appeal. The only reason this has happened is because since finding out that DP has had this inheritance his family are treating it like a lottery win and expect him to pay for everything, their deposits, rents, mortgages, Christmas, birthdays etc etc. But we have never been big spenders, most of our clothes and furniture are second hand and picked up cheaply, whereas his family are head to toe in flashy designer gear that they can't afford, and so far we have spent more money on them than we have on ourselves or our home.

This holiday was to be our one treat before we start to invest the money sensibly. DP has been far too soft, because he wants to help his family which I understand but they are taking advantage majorly imo. We plan to use the money to buy a home outright and put towards future school fees/ money for extracurriculars and trips for dd when she is older, not frittering it away on other people who have had decades more lifetime to sort themselves out. I just don't understand why his family think that it is ok to take from a young family just starting out for their own luxuries.

So now I just don't want to go. I don't get on with FIL anyway, I am totally civil but he is a misogynistic twat, and makes comments to me such as 'you've put on a lot of weight' 4 months after I had DD which I know are just digs to make me feel bad (I am a size 6-8 so not big at all and if I was much thinner would look very ill) and then gives me a non-apology when DP took him to task over it. It would be the first time DD would meet her great grandma on DPs side but we were planning to go to her country for New Years so she would get to see the baby soon anyway.

We have booked an airbnb now but not flights and I am tempted to just loose the money on the airbnb rather than spend thousands on what will now be a wholly unpleasant experience for me. I also feel bad for the family member who is getting married, but we haven't ordered food etc so us cancelling won't put the bride and groom out of pocket.

So WIBU to just refuse to go and cancel the whole thing?

What an interesting situation, I have been in similar ones, my DH has a big family, was always doing them bi favours, often involving money (we dont have lots by the way) I am an only child always felt it was his family, HIS choice, however, they eventually overstepped the mark, and he realised they were taking the mick, stuff they offered to do for us, (not asked for by us) never materialised, so he started putting his foot down firstly in a small way, then got to the stage we cut all ties with them. Course, it IS his family and HIS inheritance, you can try speaking to him, but unfortunately, until he sees the light like mine did, not much you can do.Yes, go yourself, and have a good time. Funnilly enough, several of my DH VERY fat relatives told me at size 8, I WAS fat!!! Unfortunately, money brings out the beast in people.

Wow that is beyond cheeky! In your position I wouldn't cancel but I would stick to the original plan and tell fil and other relative to whistle! It sounds like the inheritance could pretty much set you and your family up for life, with a few nice things, such as the holiday for you to enjoy. Your fil sounds absolutely awful and only wanying money off you. Please stand up for yourselves xxx

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.
First off I wouldn't be paying for FIL in his entirety, and second off, who the FUCK does he think he is, just telling his mother that your DH will pay for her to fly all around as well? Just fucking NO!!

Your DH is an utter doormat.

This would piss me off hugely. And yes, if he refused to stand up to his father and his unutterably selfish poncing, then I would refuse to go on the grounds that you can't afford for all of you to go, so he might as well go with his father and grandmother and you'll just stay at home with the baby.

I don't see why should have to cancel, which punishes yourself and the wedding couple just as much if not more than your FIL.

I think you should cancel the money spent on FIL etc though, i.e. don't buy his flights! Your DH needs to step up and stand up to him, as per PP.

YANBU to not want to go paying for everyone and getting stuck with FIL, but it seems a shame that you and the wedding couple have to suffer.

It was my late MIL (we aren't married only engaged but it's easier to say FIL/MIL than explaining!) who left DP the money and if she knew what his dad was doing she would be apoplectic with rage. They split when he was tiny due to FIL abusive behaviour and he never payed a penny for DP. But he has convinced DP that he has 'been there for him' during this difficult time, and DP didn't take kindly to me pointing out that he also knew that MIL was wealthy and that the money she left would be imminently arriving in DPs pocket as he is an only child.

DP actually suggested we call it all off, but then said he feels too guilty about it, he knows that his family are taking the piss but he just can't say no! And it isn't my place to dictate what he does with the money so I have up until now stayed out of it for the most part but it is starting to get ridiculous and I don't want the precedent to be set that he is an ATM for the use of anyone vaguely connected to him. I pointed out to him that the money he has given away so far would have payed for 3 or 4 years at a top private school for dd if that was what we wanted to do, or would be a substantial deposit on a flat for her in the future.

The family member whose wedding it is isn't particularly close, we used to live spitting distance away before we moved but didn't see them often but she was a huge support when DP lost his mum so I feel that it would be nice to attend her wedding. I did think we could just get them a really lovely gift instead but I know it isn't the same.

Bloody hell, sounds like the last person MILs money should be going to is FIL!!! She would not be happy about that!

Your DP needs to respect her wishes and stop being so bloody soft. What would his poor mum be thinking if she could see what was going on?! Maybe a gentle very soft reminder of that is in need

You could say it isn't your place to stop your dp. However you are his life partner and parent to his child. So you are there to support him and advocate for his child.

Have you asked him what he would tell your dd to do if her close family members were making demands on her or bleeding her dry? He was abandoned by his father and it is natural he can be manipulated. It will open up old wounds.

As his partner, i think it is totally in your remit to protect him and help him to say no to these people. This reminds me of a guy on the tv, who won the lottery (I think) and his family, friends and neighbours were leaching him dry to such an extent that he had to cut all contact. It was really sad.

I imagine your dp would want the inheritance to be there also for your dd and your little family. If he continues like this, it will all be gone. Go and have a nice family holiday just the 3 of you. His father seems to be just as manipulative as when he left 20 odd years ago.

And it isn't my place to dictate what he does with the money

Dictate no. But it should be family money imo and it could well be used to help your DC. So you should be having a bit more of a say imo.

Why can he say No to you but not to his wider family?

What is the cancellation on the AirBNB?

I'd revert to your original hotel plan and tell FIL to sort himself and his own mother out.

enough bullying! Your DP needs to think very carefully about what his DM would think and approve of. If she wanted the money frittered away by abusive arses, she would have made provision in her will.

Don't be daft. Carry on with your plans without fil and whoever else He invited unless he wants to pay for himself!!! Just don't do it

If your DP doesn't get a hold on how to say no to his family now, he never will. he has to put his DD and you first. HE has to put the memory of his mother above this horrid man too.

All he has to say is "This ISN'T what my mother intended". he knows she would back him in this, and that is what he needs to keep sight on until his own instincts and family compass skills kick in.

Sweet Jesus your DP needs to say no, chuffing hell!

You can't dictate no, however from your update mil would be very upset that her abusive exh was getting any of her money. On that point alone I think your dh is being unreasonable.

Your DP needs to grow a air of bollocks and tell his dad to do one.

If my DP wouldn't do this then I would. Sod being the evil DIL. This is sounding like a good £10k.

Draft an email "Dear FIL, unfortunately due to unforeseen circumstances we are not able to pay your flights and accommodation to Italy. Maybe see you there, love DIL"

OMG he sounds horrible - taking advantage of his son's grief (a son he didn't pay any maintenance for) and playing Lord Bountiful with his late ex's money (whom he treated badly). Just being a bit sympathetic for a few weeks is not being a good father.

Your DP really does need to draw a line under all these money-grabbers - get some of it invested in some sort of fund (where you can't have access to it) for your DC - or at least SAY you have.

It would be interesting to see, when the dosh is no longer accessible, how bothered your FIL is then about his son and your family.

What a horrible situation. Obviously your DP needs to stop giving away his mum's money. How to get him to see that though?

Your DP needs to grow a air of bollocks and tell his dad to do one

In a nutshell this.

These family members are leeching off you.

Just say no.

Perhaps your DH is trying to get his dad's approval. It is difficult when your parent's love seems to be conditionnal to what you can do for them. It's unhealthy though, his dad should love him for who he is.
If he feels he can't say no in person/when put on the spot, he could buy himself some time by saying he will think about it or needs to talk to you first. It could be wise to buy the house asap.

Yup, there's no way MIL want have wanted money to go to her abusive ex. That makes it even more important that FIL doesn't get his hands on it.

It is up to your DP to honour his mother here.

Can you just stick to your original plans? And your DP can tell FIL that the money has already been earmarked for your child (which is true anyway).

Perhaps you need to take charge of the money? Once you buy the house then just tell everyone that all the money is gone.

I would tell them all they are welcome to come but you wont be funding their trip to Italy. Because you can't. Your money has now been invested for the future and you have no access to it without huge penalties. So sorry and all that.

Whogives has hit the nail on the head IMO!

Whilst your DP keeps financing FIL and HIS family, unfortunately he is disrespecting his late mother's wishes.

Have you suggested this to him, Silk? This could possibly lead to him viewing his well intentioned but misplaced actions in a somewhat different light. I certainly hope so!

If you go ahead with it, can guarantee you'll not only be paying for flights and airbnb, you'll be paying for his and his mothers food and drink all holiday as well.

Don't do it.

Cancel attending the wedding.

Speak with DP about seeing a financial advisor as soon as possible to plan future spending and investments.

The saying "a fool and his money are soon parted" exists for a reason. Unless your DP has inherited Bill Gates level of money, it can soon be used and frittered away, especially if you are saying he has already spent the equivalent of tuition fees in a top public school - amounting to several thousand.

To be honest, I would be livid with a partner who could so casually foresake our future because he couldn't say "No".