Wibu to cancel going to this wedding?

[silkpyjamasallday]

DP, DD and I were due to go to a wedding on DPs side in May in Italy. I was really excited as this would be baby's first trip abroad and I love Italy plus I had got myself a new outfit that I feel good in for the wedding itself. We haven't been away for a long time as we have never been able to afford it, but DP came into a very large inheritance recently so it became a possibility. We were planning to stay around a week after the wedding to enjoy Italy and make it a proper holiday.

However, now DPs dad has decided he wants to come too, but he can't afford it, didn't tell us this previously (but I knew he would ask us to pay) only informed us he was also going to attend the wedding, then requests that DP pays for his flights etc. He then started pestering us as to whether we had booked accommodation for us all, this hadn't been the plan, we wanted to stay in the Baglioni hotel that we have stayed at before but as FIL is now also coming we decided to get a large air bnb instead as paying for another adults flights and 5* accommodation is far more than we wanted to spend. FIL then invites his mother to come too, but she lives on the other side of the world and he told her we would also pay for her flights to the uk and then on to Italy and pay for accommodation.

So what was initially a relatively inexpensive holiday has spiralled into potentially costing ££££ as we would now be paying for four adults and long haul flights. We have cut the visit down to 3 days now to cut costs but I just don't think it is worth it anymore, the hassle of travelling with dd for only 2 nights does not appeal. The only reason this has happened is because since finding out that DP has had this inheritance his family are treating it like a lottery win and expect him to pay for everything, their deposits, rents, mortgages, Christmas, birthdays etc etc. But we have never been big spenders, most of our clothes and furniture are second hand and picked up cheaply, whereas his family are head to toe in flashy designer gear that they can't afford, and so far we have spent more money on them than we have on ourselves or our home.

This holiday was to be our one treat before we start to invest the money sensibly. DP has been far too soft, because he wants to help his family which I understand but they are taking advantage majorly imo. We plan to use the money to buy a home outright and put towards future school fees/ money for extracurriculars and trips for dd when she is older, not frittering it away on other people who have had decades more lifetime to sort themselves out. I just don't understand why his family think that it is ok to take from a young family just starting out for their own luxuries.

So now I just don't want to go. I don't get on with FIL anyway, I am totally civil but he is a misogynistic twat, and makes comments to me such as 'you've put on a lot of weight' 4 months after I had DD which I know are just digs to make me feel bad (I am a size 6-8 so not big at all and if I was much thinner would look very ill) and then gives me a non-apology when DP took him to task over it. It would be the first time DD would meet her great grandma on DPs side but we were planning to go to her country for New Years so she would get to see the baby soon anyway.

We have booked an airbnb now but not flights and I am tempted to just loose the money on the airbnb rather than spend thousands on what will now be a wholly unpleasant experience for me. I also feel bad for the family member who is getting married, but we haven't ordered food etc so us cancelling won't put the bride and groom out of pocket.

So WIBU to just refuse to go and cancel the whole thing?

Now I've seen your update I'm even more convinced that do shouldn't be paying for his father and gm. What in earth would his mum say!

Just dont pay for anything else. Book your flights only, stay at the air b&b on your own. Your fil and his mother should be responsible for their own costs. Dh needs to sort this but whatever you do not and i repeat that do not pay for anything else!

Have a word with your DP and if he isn't willing to do the sensible thing, ie not pick up the costs for family members' holiday, then say that you're out and you'll be staying at home.

Your DP had a wider problem with his dad which won't go away no matter what you do about this holiday.

My DBro was the same. Our father was an alcoholic waste of space that never did a day's parenting when we were young, but my DBro could not give up on him. As a result our father had DBro paying for his house, for his holidays, etc. and clearly using him for money.

Your DH needs to have a long hard think about why he feels he owes anything to your FIL.

Your dp needs to say no.
Before you know it this money will be gone. And not spent on your dp and his family unit instead every Bob dick and Harry will benefit whilst a you's can't afford to spend a weekend at butlins.

Sorry but where is yours and your DP's backbone?!

Who even goes along with something like this?!

"Sorry no we can't afford to pay for you or anyone else" why wouldn't you just say that?

Inviting his Mum from the other side of the world?!?! No bloody way. Maybe difficult to retract now so meet in the middle and just pay for flights but explain he will have to find money for accommodation and your not paying for flight for his Mum. I would have no qualms explaining you are saving the inheritance to provide for your DD in the future and buy your house. Perfectly acceptable. His problem if he has a prob with that. ( I would step in and do it if your dh doesn't after all it's your DD future aswell)

Fuck that.

Tell the family that you've taken financial advice and the money is now tied up in long term investments for your future well being as a family. Therefore you cannot help.

I would go to the wedding as you originally planned and ignore FIL and his ghastly greed. He's not going to be remotely satisfied with one little trip to Italy so you and dh absolutely need to make your position clear. Since he's been such a shit parent he deserves nithing at all.

Why on earth are people saying the OP should accept paying for flights as it's too late
Just tell the sponging pair to bugger off and pay for their own flights and accommodation.
It's jaw dropping how much people on MN appear to be walked all over.
Seriously, if someone told me that they were inviting themselves on my holiday and I would be footing the bill for them, they would be told to piss off!

To be fair honey when I said about the flights I thought it was already agreed that DP would do that and it's pretty shit to agree to that and then revoke it without a change in circumstance. Especially shit if the wedding couple have finalised numbers and seating plan.

BUT - didn't know then it was FILs ex wife's money. Game changer in my eyes, no way would I disrespect my mother by giving away her money to an exH and long haul flights for her ex MIL who she cut out a long time ago and who had let her bring up DP without any help financial or otherwise.

FIL is an giant manipulative shit and taking advantage, I would be telling him to pay for his own now.

Tell the family that you've taken financial advice and the money is now tied up in long term investments for your future well being as a family. Therefore you cannot help.

^^ This. Absolutley

All the money that FIL saved in NOT supporting his child can now be put to good use in paying for his own flaming holiday... and whoever he wants to pay for is his business

Thank you to everyone for their advice, it was quite cathartic to hear that my low opinion of FIL is shared! I wish I could show him the thread but he wouldn't even care about the opinions as they came from women who he almost universally hates.

At first when the idea was brought up FIL made it sound as if he would be paying for himself and we would just share accommodation but it just gradually changed to DP paying and then once that was established he invited his mum, who again we initially thought would pay for herself but FIL told her we would pay. Communication is difficult because of the time difference but it isn't really a case of crossed wires as DP thinks, it's just FIL taking advantage. I think now that he has started pestering about transferring his mother enough money that she can get a visa minimum $30,000 in your current account to get the visa approved apparently, that DP is starting to wise up, but he really just doesn't want to ruin his relationship with his dad who doesn't speak to or see his other children. (While saying he needs to see us more as he wants to be in DDs life, when no he just wants more opportunities to ask for cash) I just think they are scamming him, as he has already given so much they think nothing of asking for more.

DP had lied and told FIL previously that we had already tied the money up, but then accidentally let slip that a separate payment had come through so now I don't think lying will work unless we have something to show for it e.g. the house or a flat.

It's all just totally killed my enthusiasm for the holiday. I also want nothing to do with FIL ever again to be honest, I'm just waiting for him to be so cheeky DP gets sick of it, but I don't think that day will come anytime soon sadly.

As you haven't booked flights, you should book your flights (not anyone else's), book the hotel you wanted, cancel the AirBnB and lose any deposit/costs attached to that, then tell FIL you won't be funding holidays for him or his mum.

But as doing that relies on your DP developing a backbone in the near future, it's not looking likely. In your shoes, if he (DP) insists on booking flights for FIL and his mum, I would tell him he needn't bother booking flights for you or DD as you'll be staying at home.

You will never see that 30k again. you know this don't you?

Do you REALLY want an abusive misogynistic twat like this in your DD life? in your life/home?

FIL had his chance, he's blown it over and over. save yourselves and your dd future and make the decision that NO, you are not transferring a bean to anyone for anything.

No decent parent would demand this of their child

"DP is starting to wise up, but he really just doesn't want to ruin his relationship with his dad.." It would be FIL who has ruined the relationship, not DP

"... who doesn't speak to or see his other children."

Can't imagine why...

What Flowery said to a T.

I really really hope your dp sees sense really soon. My blood is boiling on your behalf.

Wait FIL wants DP to transfer 30k to his mum????? What the actual fuck? If DP does this I would be livid over his utter stupidity, if it wasn't family I would say it's one of those crazy phone scams it's so absurd.

Tell him to grow the hell up, he has a daughter to look after and what kind of example is he setting by disrespecting his mother, then also being utterly financially irresponsible.

Of man, I would be fizzing by now if I were you.

OP, you say that you now don't feel like going to the wedding but this is a much bigger issue.

My Dparents had a similar-ish situation where DF's family took advantage of him being v soft and constantly demanded money, which he gave them. They never did anything for him, in fact he only ever heard from them when they wanted money. My DM did everything she could to stop it (not having them in the house, putting the phone down if they called, constantly explaining to DF why it was not acceptable etc) but it still went on. It has now stopped but went on for decades.

Stop the gravy train now or you will be suffering for years too.

Why are you agreeing to any of these ridiculous demands?

Bullshit. You will never see that $30k ever again. Your do would be mad to do it.

Ask him why he thinks non of the other siblings talk to their father. He needs to wake up and soon before all the money is gone.

Tell him to sleep in transferring the money until he's had time to think about it.

Basically your fil is conning your dp

He isn't going to transfer the money for the visa, he knows that it's just too much money to lose. And he wants to be able to get us the nicest home possible and knows that every time he gives money away it could be used for this or changing a bathroom or kitchen once we've moved in. But FIL and other family members are making out that they are struggling when they aren't to pull on his heart purse strings

I just don't know how to get through to him that it needs to stop, he acknowledges what I'm saying but I don't know exactly what sort of manipulation FIL is using, as he makes sure when he visits that they go out without dd and I, presumably because he knows I'm not a mug and would challenge him.

DP knows his dad was appalling to his mum, but he doesn't know the full extent of the abuse. I do because MIL confided in me before she died, and what FIL did is truly truly terrible, but it isn't my place to tell DP especially as his mum is no longer with us. She didn't tell him I assume because his disgusting behaviour is only towards women so I suppose she didn't see a risk in him having access to DP as a child and wanted them to have some sort of relationship (not that he bothered much anyway) If he knew he would never speak to him again for certain, and would probably beat the shit out of him.

He is just being pulled from every direction with guilt, and I think part of it is that he doesn't want the money, it's a reminder that his mum is gone, even though it has the potential to make our lives more than comfortable for a young family beyond what we could have managed without it.